Wife has moved out & second thoughts.

[kathy bottoms]

Hi Abby:

I followed your thread since you posted.  And since I'm back on Susan's for a couple days I may as well tell you how sorry I am that everything is changing in your life.  And not in the way you had hoped. 

I just went through six months in which I had to come to terms with my life, wife, and children.  I've been married for almost 35 years, and I hurt my wife horribly when she finally knew my transition was a reality.  She understands I'll be full time in about a year, and that I want SRS before I'm 64.  She can't live with me as a woman, and it tore me up to think I was at fault for everything that was happening.  After all, the end of this marriage was just around the corner, and I blamed myself because it definitely wasn't JoAnn's fault.  A lot of October and all of November was spent in a deep, dark depression.  And I thought it'd never end.  But the depression is gone, and the sun shines again.  Oh, there are days when there's a malaise about what's happening, but it always goes away. 

I know it sounds rediculous, but all we both had to do was factually accept the idea that it was over.  Our lives were changing, and if I loved JoAnn she had to have her life back.  On her own, and without my interference.  She said I can stay around until she can no longer live with me, and then I'll leave in peace.  We'll make our platonic life work for now, and it's so nice to finally be friends again.  I'm only telling you all this because you should know that even if transgender marriages almost always end, sometimes we can the split as friends.  But no matter what happens to us, we can make our lives happy, even in divorce.   

This explanation may mean nothing to you.  But I do hope you can find the same kind acceptance and peace we have.   And I truly wish all couples that must split in these transgender circumstances could do the same.  But for those that can't I am terribly sorry.  Sometimes nothing works out for us, and I'd do anything to hold out my hand with a gift to make it work.  But none of us have that kind of power. 

Please take care Abby.  Hugs and love, Kathy

[kathy bottoms]

Abby:  I went back and checked your photos again in the "Could I Pass One Day" thread.  You look great and you'll have no problem passing or being accepted.  You'll be fantastic.

Kathy

[monica93304]

Girl, do what you have to do to be happy.  You already pass in the eyes of many of our sisters on this board.  You're gorgeous. 

i'm 42 now and have been on hrt for the last year. The mental difference gives me the strength to go forward.  To accept my birth gender equals non-existance.  i've found acceptance within myself which is good enough for me. 

We're here for you.

Monica in Cali

[Catherine Sarah]

Abby,
I hope your flu has passed and you are feeling better within yourself. Hope your lab work came out with flying colours and you are feeling the first effects of HRT.

If I may. Can I take you on a little journey of mine.

Not so long ago, when I still believed I could never transition, I always thought that if miracles ever did happen, it would mean the end of my relationship with my wife.

Then, when I overcame my fears of HRT and started to believe it may happen, I again thought divorce would have to be part and parcel of the deal.

The moment I decided to transition I realised it wasn't if we divorced, it was a matter of when.

So all in all, I guess I was lucky in a way. I was able to seriously contemplate what this and many others factors associated with transition really meant to me, and as to whether i could really do it.

The thought of just trading one set of compromises for another set of compromises I knew was unsustainable. I had lived the best part of 30 years compromising my real self, and I could no longer continue.

Once we sat down and talked openly and honestly about our own feelings, it became obvious that separation was the only logical, mature way to go. So each could live the rest of our lives being who we really should have been in the first place.

Did it hurt? Absolutely. Still does. BUT, the one thing that over shadows that pain, is the knowing I have been released to be the real me. The happier and more content I can be; and the more focussed I can be, at being the best me I can ever be, can be clearly seen in just my presence alone. My wife has seen and senses this dramatic change, to the point she clearly sees and understands, without hesitation, that separation was the right thing to do.

Hopefully in the future, your wife may see the separation was the best thing to do for both of you. You, therefore need to help her understand that, by being the absolute best you can be. As being the Abby you have always been.

The moment a dark thought enters your head, you need to stand in front of it and tell it, that's an absolute lie. I'm not going to believe I'm ugly or whatever. That's nothing but an absolute down and out lie. I am XXXXX (whatever - beautiful. You put in the appropriate response) Soon that belief becomes your attitude. Your attitude then becomes the living breathing real you.

You can do this girl. You've started, and you can finish this wonderful creation in time.

Love
Catherine

[Maegan]

Catherine, as always, such wise and compassionate advice.

Abby, what Catherine has said there is exactly the same as what most who have been married has gone through. What changed my mind and made me decide that transitioning was the right thing to do was the fact that it was MY life. So many years have I tried to be the good husband but realising inside of me that it was all a lie. It is your decision whether you want to be happy or not.

The rest of my story reads exactly like Catherine's story. 

All the best with your decision.

Big hug

Maegan

[AbbyJamz]

Thank you, all you wonderful ladies!  I'm fully recovered from the flu and currently in a good mood!   I think the hardest part of transitioning is putting up with yourself.  I could take a bunch of crap from other people easily, but I always tend to beat myself up the most.  Things are still crappy and I'm not sure where my transition will take me, but I do feel like that I'll get to where I want to be someday!  Until then, I need to take pleasure in all the lil joys of my daily life and small steps in my transition.  No need to tackle all the hard issues all at once.  Go with the flow!   Thank you all for lifting me up when I was down.  <3 Love ya all!

[monica93304]

way to go girl. 

M.

[Catherine Sarah]

Good to hear you are on the other side Abby.
Just stay connected and we can carry you across the "stuff." Happens to us all. Just try not to bash yourself up, after all there's a whole world out there wanting to do it for you.

For you to come this far, shows what a truly dedicated, compassionate and loving woman you are. And that's just the starting line. Imagine where you'll be further on.

Huggs
Catherine

[Chaos]

For me its a rebirth.The name linked to my past,its relationships,its pain,its death and all it has to offer.Yes the loss is painful but the reward is so much worth it.Even with all the loss,i look forward to passing those i knew before and giving them no room in my new life,the ones who had hurt me.i WILL be who i was supposed to be and with that,live all over again,live a new life,a life i should have had.I have learned over the past few months after giving ALL of me and gaining nothing in return,that there comes a time when YOU must come first.The true will remain by your side while the false cant bare the burdens and run.