One of the things that I have resented most in the past 5 years is not feeling like I have anyone supporting me, at the very least emotionally. I've known quite a bit of transgender people, yet noone seems to know how to be emotionally supportive. Maybe my problems are too complex? What have I done to deserve this though. Am I just unlucky to not have capable enough tg friends?
I hate it that being transgender is very hard and yet I don't feel like there's a support base for transgender people. Why the heck does it seem like you, as a discriminated class, somehow have to be on your own? When I was little, I was bullied for years and when I changed schools, the bullying stopped. I felt like I was on my own back then, and I feel like I'm going to have to be like that again. But why should it be like this? What I went through when I was young was traumatic, and that has kind of hindered my ability to go forward with transitioning.
I wish I had the support of people around me. It's so depressing and makes me feel angry towards people sometimes that I have to feel rejected. Yes, other people deserve support, but not me. I'm not a bad person, I don't treat others badly, and I try to keep myself with high ethical standards. I helped other transgender people when I had the power to, years ago (one by just hearing them out and another by helping her get temporary housing with a friend of mine). Is it that I'm not good enough? Not desirable enough to other people? I had all these dreams of the woman that I wanted to be, I wanted to help others, I wanted to pretty much be the ideal girl/woman in terms of personality (joyful, sweet, nice, lovely). It's so heartbreaking that I've felt it slip away and am stuck in this f****** male life. It's also sad that I've had to hold my feelings and suck it up and put my female self in a cage just to survive. Am I a worthless person? I don't think I am, but it seems like I am, because I have noone to support me, because noone cares about me. My mom cares about me until we talk about gender issues. My parent's love is only conditional. How many times I have to keep myself from feeling like I don't want to live. I've felt so cynical about things within the past few years, but that's not my nature. I wish I could trust and fully believe other people. I have a lot of potential to help people, but that potential will never be reached if I never can get support from others around me, and I'm going to have to feel like I'm alone "on my own" in this cold and harsh world. Do I deserve this? If only I had some help, if only there was someone out there that could help me and at least be emotionally supportive. I'm not a needy person and I'm not a dependent person, It's just that we all need some support around us. I see so many communities rally to support someone going through something harsh. Why them and not us?
Why do we not deserve support? What we do is not easy. Changing your public identity and your life and coming out and letting everyone know that you intend to do something controversial is not easy. For me, letting go of the "protective layer" of a persona I have had for pretty much all my life and feeling the world much more dangerous and unpredictable with potential problems with cisgendered people is not easy. It's not easy feeling rejected by your parents and friends. It's not easy having to deal with all the potential problems, including finding work, as well as many people you deal with having to know you are transgender and having to be under the mercy of whatever they think of transgender people. This is one of the hardest things anyone can do in their life, why can't someone like me have at least some support?
