afraid of being happy

[Ryan1995]

As far back as I can remember in my early childhood I've always had gender dysphoria. I wouldn't experience body dysphoria until I was 9 1/2 years old. I will be going on t this year and it's a little scary to think about living life as the right gender and actually being happy. I've been in a depression for three years and now that I think about not being referred to as "young lady" or having men opening the doors for me is liberating yet frightening at the same time. It's almost as if I've become so comfortable in my depression and dysphoria that it's hard to imagine life without it. Has anyone else felt this way?

[spacerace]

I feel that way sometimes. When you are depressed, you can say to yourself "Everything will be better once I transition completely"  But once you transition, what then?  Happiness seems like a scary, unknown feeling. Worst yet, once you transition you still have to deal with all kinds of life issues that everyone else has to face.  Transitioning won't automatically make you happy, either -  it just removes one major impediment to your happiness.

[Simon]

Medically transitioning isn't a cure all and doesn't necessarily mean someone is going to be encompassed in bliss. I struggle with extreme social anxiety...yet I pass 99% of the time. I don't want to be a downer but I don't want you to think that your depression will be cured by transition alone. Transitioning is physically and emotionally draining itself. I experience life as a transman like an emotional roller coaster. I have great days and I have days where things still don't feel right.

I wish you and everyone else who is trans happiness and a feeling of being whole. Do know that in most cases it just isn't the "shell" of a person that has to change in order to accomplish that goal.

[Adam (birkin)]

I can definitely relate to this. It is partly due to transition, but there are a lot of other factors. I've been unhappy and dysphoric for so long I can't even imagine being completely content, and I feel like because I have been this way for so long, in a way I don't deserve it. It's only recently I've started to consider that I need to put my happiness first and it's a really strange thought.

[Nero]

Medically transitioning isn't a cure all and doesn't necessarily mean someone is going to be encompassed in bliss. I struggle with extreme social anxiety...yet I pass 99% of the time. I don't want to be a downer but I don't want you to think that your depression will be cured by transition alone. Transitioning is physically and emotionally draining itself. I experience life as a transman like an emotional roller coaster. I have great days and I have days where things still don't feel right.

I wish you and everyone else who is trans happiness and a feeling of being whole. Do know that in most cases it just isn't the "shell" of a person that has to change in order to accomplish that goal.

What Simon said. I've been done with transition for years and I'm still learning how to be happy. Once you transition, you're still going to have tons of baggage to work through. Sure, not being misgendered is great but the excitement wears off. I thought I would be fine and 'cured' after transition. It doesn't undo years of living and growing up in the wrong gender.

Basically, I feel pretty much the same you do and I've been done with transition.

[Natkat]

I kinda get the felling

well, I dont think theres anything to worry about.
even when your finish transition this not going to mean you will get a happy-go-lucky-no-problems-ever-boring-life.
Your to be happy as you, thats the whole point in transition. but theres also many problems who isnt gender related, and even if your to be happy your not to be free of problems.

I dont have to deal with the misgenered anymore and its great, but now I am to focus on other problems.

so if your fear of happyness goes that it means boring, or nothing to do or fight for then you can always keep on fighting or finding new ways to open up.

[FTMDiaries]

Same here.

I've lived for so long with extreme discomfort (since 1976, in fact) that I don't know if I want to let go of my misery. Which just sucks because I know I deserve better but I'm having trouble believing I deserve better.

I've also been told my whole life that I'm not allowed to be myself; I'm expected to act, think, dress and behave like something I'm not. So to finally take the reins and doggedly pursue my own happiness is a very strange feeling. I'm not entirely sure I like it, either.

It's pretty much a form of Stockholm Syndrome, I think.

[Nero]

Same here.

I've lived for so long with extreme discomfort (since 1976, in fact) that I don't know if I want to let go of my misery. Which just sucks because I know I deserve better but I'm having trouble believing I deserve better.

I've also been told my whole life that I'm not allowed to be myself; I'm expected to act, think, dress and behave like something I'm not. So to finally take the reins and doggedly pursue my own happiness is a very strange feeling. I'm not entirely sure I like it, either.

It's pretty much a form of Stockholm Syndrome, I think.

Yeah. It's like the door to my cage is finally open, yet I'm awful slow to walk away from it. For most of us, it's all we've ever known (at least dating back to puberty).

[FullThrottleMalehem]

I can completely relate to this as well. Your mind becomes so used to one feeling, and it's natural to be afraid of the unknown I think.

[GnomeKid]

My friends often find it funny because out of all of them I hate change the most, yet I'm the ->-bleeped-<- who wanted nothing more than change.  Initial leaps into change are always tricky and somewhat disorienting, but it the end its a truly astounding feeling.  Each time you pass its like someone takes a small weigh off your shoulders until it all just becomes normal.  Then you can sit back and appreciate it... until something else stresses you out, but thats just life.   =]

[bojangles]

Has anyone else felt this way?

Of course. Nobody can furnish a rut better than me. 

Transistion has been the source of joy and pain, growth and awkwardness, faith and fear.
When I get down, I ask myself, "Well, do you want to go back?" and the answer is always a thunderous hell no.
When I ask myself, "Has it been worth it?" it's a big Yes, Sir!
Good luck, Dude.

[Mr.Rainey]

I can understand it kinda. Its like drawing up plans and building something. You spend all those months of careful planning and crafting. Anticipating that finished product. Once it is finished you are happy because its done but you still have that urge to build and create inside you. Forgive me if this is a strange analogy.