Anxious and tearful

[princessme]

Hi all, brief intro... I have been with my trans partner since August 2012. She was still a man when I met her, telling me about her transitioning about 4 weeks before we started dating. It was not the intention to start a relationship, it just happened and I don't regret it at all. I have actively encouraged her in the beginning to have 'female' days as we called it. Sometimes she found it hard work to get out of bed and dress as a female and put her make up on so I use to make it easy for her by getting her clothes ready and giving her constant support. She has been a woman full time since 1st October. She had an appointment at the gender clinic in the beginning of December which was suppose to be her final appointment and where she should have been receiving HRT. This did not happen as they suggested she needs to develop her female personality more and that because she is in a fairly new relationship with me, this needs to also develop further. She has an appointment for February where we both have to attend and hopefully start HRT. She is now on antidepressants as things are not moving quick enough for her and I really do feel for her.

There are a few things playing on my mind that are really making me feel very dreadful. We have always been open and honest about absolutely everything and we  made a promise that we would be always, but it seems that this has not been the case. Firstly, she has befriended one of my female neighbours, talks to her regularly to the point where they both sit in my house and ignore me or recall conversations that I have no clue about yet it is said so I can hear which I find upsetting. This neighbour went into labour shortly before xmas and came to my house for my partner to give her a lift to the hospital. My partner and I both took her and happened to be there for the birth (I am still hung up about losing my baby so this was hard for me), my partner not only said she wanted to be there but felt like it was her baby. This came as a real shock to me as she says she is not ready for kids and how upset I am about it, especially as the night before she had been at this neighbours house and as she left to go she said 'just going to my girlfriends house'. Yes I feel jealous who wouldn't? I feel pushed out and feel like I am being taken for granted. Yesterday was my birthday amd the day before, this female neighbour was at my house and my partner said 'i will be going to her house in a bit to wrap your birthday present'. After discussing with her how i felt about everything else I was shocked she said this and I lost my temper and said 'why can't you wrap it in the bedroom? why do you HAVE to go to someone else's house to wrap a present?'. I can't understand the desperate need to be there all the time.

Another thing annoying me is that after the appointment at the gender clinic, my partner talked about buying HRT online but the only thing stopping her waas the fact that she hadn't frozen sperm. We spoke at length about the dangers of taking something which has not been prescribed and (I thought) that was the end of it. About a week later, I was talking to my next door neighbour who said to me 'by the way, your partner told me she has ordered HRT fromt he internet so if she starts acting differently you know why'. I was absoultely devastated to hear this from a neighbour and not from my partner 4 days after she had mentioned it. She wasn't going to tell me either, which is where I feel everything has changed for me. My trust seems weakened. The other thing is, she said on the way home from the gender clinic that she feels she can't be her true self in front of me as she is embarrased to do so! I feel like this is a smack in the face. I have done everything possible to help her feel comfortable. It has been hard for me too. I consider myself a straight female and I have had to adapt as she is the person I love regardless of her gender. I have been open and honest about my feelings, have had to be because I feel so uneducated and have to rely on her to help me understand. I have bent over backwards to offer as much support as humanely possible, yet she confides in neighbours and I find out in such hurtful ways. I do feel very hurt, embarrased and a complete lack of trust. I am absloutely dreading her starting HRT now, whereas before I was excited for her. I feel so upset about everything. I have given my all to this. I wish she had kept to the promise of being open and honest. Even when we talked about these issues, she feels she has not done anything wrong and can't really see why I am upset. Please someone tell me if I am being really self centred? Because I hate this feeling. Thanks for reading, support and advice greatfully needed. 

[Button]

Firstly you are not being self centred, it is sometimes remarkable how selfish our partners can be.
I know that this may be generalised but its all most like sometimes they just expect us to sit by and freeze our lives, needs and wants because their needs are the most important.

However,

My Andi has been on hrt for two years now and she is better for it. Her confidence has grown and her opinion now matters again. Before hrt she was a little monkey but mostly before hrt she thought she was doing this alone, her parents and my family were not what you would call supportive and she had trouble expressing her needs and desires to me because I admit I was being harassed myself to drop her and move on. Which I am happy to say I decided to stay.

Any who long story short the childish behaviour has diminished and I got her to be a lot more positive about things and this morning she didn't even stress about having to change her endocrinologist so that was a big change and she has an outside support therapist who she talks to and can talk to openly and it gives her a second option to me but all things are discussed with me and our communication is really great now.

I am happy to have rebuilt her confidence and to be in a totally honest relationship with her. But hrt was a life saver for her and my sanity.

Hope that helps a little

Andis Button

[princessme]

Thank you for that. My partner has a wonderful support network within her family, my family and friends. I think maybe my issue is that I thought we were open and honest about everything and to find out we are not is a shocker to say the least, especially when it appears everyone around me knows and I don't and I am hearing things through people I am not particularly close to, I like to keep myself and my business to myself and kinda feel people who I would not want to know so much about me now do due to my partner confiding in them. I do hope things will become easier when she starts HRT. She still wants to get sperm frozen and I am plucking up the courage to encourage her to do this as she is delaying it and I know she really wants to, this will be her hindrance to starting hormones. I will still be the supportive partner that I always have been but I can't keep being the doormat and getting hurt myself. Any suggestions on how I may discuss that I have feelings too that get hurt without her feeling that I am turning things against her or trying to upset her? I don't want to do that, but I can't go on like this especially when I know how much of a good team we are and that we need to support eachother.

[Button]

I'm glad your not the door mat and its a good attitude to have when supporting your partner.

The only advice I can give you is to come from the heart, make a special dinner or just have a special time and put your heart out there.

I remember with Andi I just made this absolutely great satay meal from scratch I was so proud of myself I put candles on the table and sprinkled flower petals around the table we ate and then I spoke to her from my heart I asked her to just listen until I finished talking and I poured out my heart my message was I wanted to be with her for life but this relationship needs to change like any normal requirement for there to be no secrets between us and for me to always be the first to know for good news so we can celebrate together and for bad news or days so I could be the shoulder to cry on and not some random. I made it clear that she is my number one and that I should have the same courtesy and then we agreed to put aside some time each day and just talk about anything or everything to gossip to laugh and to cry together.

It really was the best thing I ever did and we always get to put our concerns, worries or happy thoughts out there and not bottle it up after all we are now what I would call equal partners.

As for the freezing of the sperm it's not a huge deal well not in New Zealand anyway but it's just about booking a time and doing it and if its important to you then it just needs to be said.

I hope you and your partner work things out

Andis Button

[princessme]

what a wonderful idea, thank you. I'm guessing I feel like I am tredding on egg shells. Also I think I need a bit of time to sort my head out, I don't want to have an argument and my mood is swinging between being really tearful or really angry. The sperm freezing thing is more for her. She said she wanted to do it so she has the chance of having her own children. For me, I have a fertility condition and have accepted that I may not have any more children and I really don't like the thought of IVF, but I think that is something we may have to consider in the future. But thank you for the meal idea.

[princessme]

Update: I have seriously tried talking to my partner about the issues that have been bothering me only to be met with hostility and made to feel terrible for feeling the way I do about things. I feel absolutely terrible and perceive the reaction to be one of guilt.  I really don't feel that I am over reacting. I forgot to previously mention that I saw my partner holding hands with the neighbour that had the baby on the way to the hospital, I know this may have been support for her, but it really wasn't nice for me to see. I have not mentioned this to her for fear of an over reaction. When I mentioned things before, she asked me if I wanted to split up, I actually just want her to acknowledge that I feel really hurt and upset. I feel everything has always been all about her in this relationship and that there is not much consideration at all for my feelings. I need some support please! Thank you

[spacial]

I really hope you don't mind a contribution from someone who is not an SO.

I don't really know how to say this easily so please excuse me if I'm blunt. But your partner sounds like a selfish, self centred, spoilt brat who is too immature to live with a real woman.

I hate saying this, but some of the things you've described sound utterly heartless and just mean.

I doubt your partner realises it because they are so immature but that will also explain why they have not been given HRT.

I don't know what you'll do, but it sounds to me that, at this time, you're a doormat.

If I'm utterly off base I do so sincerely apologise.

[muffinpants]

I agree, your partner does seem to be treating you poorly... but that doesn't necessarily mean that she doesn't love you anymore. She could just be super insecure and embarrassed to be herself around you. I know you said you've been very supportive, but it can still be an awkward/embarrassing thing to go through. I say this, because I am or was a very insecure person. I had serious trust issues and I ended up looking outside of my relationship for support, it was silly and unnecessary. My partner has always been soooo open and there for me, but I was embarrassed to talk about my emotional issues and needs with her. Idk why I was like that, the best explanation was that I was afraid I'd push her away.. so I looked elsewhere on the internet for people I could be myself to, where even if they did deny me, I wouldn't really care (not tg related, I'm a significant other to a tg gal). Obviously, looking for this support elsewhere was a horrible decision, especially since she had always offered it to me. Eventually, it all came out in the open and it was NOT fun!! But the results made it totally worth it!! Gosh, I love my darling so much!! I am mortified when I think back on what I've put her through! But yeah- if yall want to pull through it, your gf is going to need some major confidence boosts!!! She needs to work on it herself, too!! This is a problem that comes from within!! I hope my story helps you understand where she could be coming from and please keep us updated! 

[spring0721]

Princess, it sounds like you've been more than supportive to your partner.  In short her behavior of going to the neighbors and spending so much time with her after you've voiced how you feel, is selfish.  I think you're feeling jealous, and rightly so!  Do you thinkyour partner has developed a deep friendship with this woman? Or what? Because telling her something as important as starting hrt but not you....that's major.  I really hope for your sake that she matures and figures out how amazing you are to her....if she doesn't I would encourage you to think about moving on.  While this time in her life is extremely important and she need support (and outside friends) so do you! It literally sounds like you are there for her but not vice versa.  I wish you well & you willboth be in my thoughts.

[Elspeth]

Update: I have seriously tried talking to my partner about the issues that have been bothering me only to be met with hostility and made to feel terrible for feeling the way I do about things. I feel absolutely terrible and perceive the reaction to be one of guilt.  I really don't feel that I am over reacting. I forgot to previously mention that I saw my partner holding hands with the neighbour that had the baby on the way to the hospital, I know this may have been support for her, but it really wasn't nice for me to see.

First off, I think you have every right to feel hurt. It's very hard to tell what's going on when we're hearing one side of the story, but it seems pretty clear she has some trust issues with you.

A couple of things jumped out at me in my first reading. Be sure to correct me if I'm jumping to any unwarranted conclusions.

One big one for me was your statement about identifying as straight. She is heading  for HRT, so I have to assume that she regards herself as female, and maybe some part of this friendship with the neighbor has to do with her feeling that, without a clearly romantic or sexual piece to their friendship, she may feel the neighbor is seeing her more generously and unambivalently as a girlfriend, rather than a guy becoming or imitating a girl. If you are in an intimate relationship with her, and she still thinks you see her as a he, that could be a big part of what is going on for her in being less willing to be open with you about these things?

I think I'll actually stop at that and give you a chance to correct what could be a mistaken impression I've gotten from a quick reading, rather than go on discussing this when my assumptions could be way off.

[JoanneB]

While I agree with most of the negative comments about your spouse, in her defense I will say that there is no knowing what will happen once "The flood gates are opened". Just taking any step towards a real life experience can lead to a sense of a great weight being lifted. (Which often is the case)

However, there is no excuse for not considering a life partners feeling. Yes, a trans person will often marry in the quest of being "cured". Unfair, wrong, decietfull, YES. I felt awfull about doing that wife #1 when I was young and stupid. I really did love her and I really hurt her and our relationship beyond repair.

Wanting to rush ahead with all sorts of things once the cat is out of the bag is a typical reaction. When it is just your own life involved, doing dumb things is at your own pearl. Doing dumb things when anothers life is intwined with yours, especially a person who is trying to understand and be supportive, is inexcusable.