MTF in need of help

[MaryXYX]

Thank you Rachel.  I had thought about trying a vibrator.  I happen to know a guy who works in a sex shop, he's a t-man and I'm old enough to be his grandmother!  I do have some T gel left over from many years ago when my doctor gave me some to see if it helped my depression.  It didn't, but back then I didn't know why.  Perhaps I try a vibrator first, then add the T if necessary.

You are still very soon after the correction.  It may take more weeks or even months before you are 'right'.  Don't give up because you don't get instant results!

I felt very much at peace with myself even when I was in the hospital.  I hadn't been thinking about genital dysphoria but it would have been there.  I relate to men differently now, even socially.  Somehow being physically female does that.  I had never considered having a relationship with a man before but now I do consider it.

[Rachel]

Hi Mary,

I am anxious to get things working I know it will take time and at least some desire.

The vibrator for me now is for the nerves to recognize stimulation and hopefully receive it as pleasure. I know it is early and even though I am anxious I need to be realistic and never give up.

I am thinking of men in a little different perspective. Pre-GCS I could not have vaginal sex with a guy but wanted to. Soon, I will be able to have vaginal sex with a guy and sometimes think of that when talking to them.
================================

I did a phone therapy session today. We discussed last weeks goals or home work and I competed the home work. 1) send in the change of name and gender birth certificate forms and 2) use the woman's restroom at work. The bathroom was a non-issue. No one cared or even looked odd at me.

We discussed my goals for next year:
Physical
BA,
VFS
adams apple
HAIR

Personal
Expand my social circles. I am a big fan Malcom Gladwell. He has a book called tipping point. One chapter of the book is about having different social circles with lots of acquaintances. The acquaintances act as lightning rods for opportunity. So I will have 2 circles I will add in addition to work and group. Then there is a social trans group I will add. I will add some classes at the LGBT gym I go to.  Lastly, I will add a social group from the gayborhood my trainer is immersed in.

[Rachel]

I am on the #4 dilator. I have not been gaining in depth; I am at about 5 inches. I reread the pamphlet Dr. McGinn provided. It says to always start with the #1 dilator. So I started with #1 today then #4. I hope that gets me back on track to gaining depth again.

I am getting more feeling down there

12/29/16 I have a phone consult for hair with Dr. Coolie.

[Rachel]

I had my consult for hair with Dr. Coolie's representative. She said the FUT method was recommended due to the amount of hair needed and that 4000 hairs would be the first transplant goal.  The cost is $15,000. My insurance covers trans hair transplants minus the deductible. I was encouraged to come in person so they could have a better view of the donor hair. I was sent a few PDF's to read. Any comments would be welcome.

I had a therapy session today and we discussed a few things:

I discussed how much Christmas hurt and how my ex-wife and daughter excluded me.

We discussed some ways I can increase my social contact with LGBT activities. 

Next I went over how staying at my sisters after GCS was a real test of my alcohol recovery. It was not a healthy environment for me. I remained sober but it was a real test.

Lastly, I told her I was surprised at how much my genitals had a negative impact on me. I had bad genital dysphoria and I thought about it and I avoided touching or looking at my genitals. My genital dysphoria was 100% gone after the surgery. I like seeing myself in the shower now I feel so much better now.

[Rachel]

I got a call from Dr. Cooley's office at work today. They are recommending 2000 to 2500 hairs for the first transplant unless I see them in person for a consult. I will be making a trip to North Carolina. I would like to get 4000 graphs the first round.

They said my donor hair from the pictures I sent can only yield so much hair for transplant. So I will see them in person. They said if I do not have enough donor hair then a partial hair piece would needed

[HappyMoni]

I discussed how much Christmas hurt and how my ex-wife and daughter excluded me.

Next I went over how staying at my sisters after GCS was a real test of my alcohol recovery. It was not a healthy environment for me. I remained sober but it was a real test.

Lastly, I told her I was surprised at how much my genitals had a negative impact on me. I had bad genital dysphoria and I thought about it and I avoided touching or looking at my genitals. My genital dysphoria was 100% gone after the surgery. I like seeing myself in the shower now I feel so much better now.

Hi Rachel,
   The pain of the family reaction is awful for you I am sure, especially this time of year. I am so glad to hear that you are avoiding drowning out that pain. I'm sure your logical brain knows that that is no real answer. You are doing amazing in the steps you are taking. If it helps to know, you are really a role model for anyone who comes on this site. When I think of someone talking positive steps to get to a better place in their life, I think of you. You have shown great courage. Just reading reactions to you on this thread, I think there is a collective feeling of love and respect that comes your way. I hope it helps to know that.
   Now, specifically, thanks for posting about the genital  dysphoria feelings disappearing. I feel a bit better just hearing that is how  it feels. I have similar pre-op feelings.
Moni

[Raell]

I sympathize.

I'm only partially transmale, so non-binary, and 64 years old. But I know how the destructive force of a suppressed gender identity can become overwhelming, especially as one ages.

I had no idea I was trans, didn't even think about LGBTQ issues at all, since all my life I'd assumed I was a hetero, cis female. I was married, had two kids, lived a semi-conventional life, even attended church, from childhood.

Then the wheels began coming off my life. I had no idea what was behind it, and only found out in 2010, after I'd moved to Thailand, what I am. Still, it took two more years to do anything about it.

In my case, I'm not going to physically transition, but just acknowledging my male side and coming to terms with it was a huge relief for me.
I later came out to a few close friends, and emailed my family, but they didn't even comment.

[Rachel]

Hi Monica, thank you for the kind words. Yes, the genital dysphoria goes away like a light switch being toggled. Of course there is the, does my vagina look natal and how do I optimize it and the depth and width maximization. When I first looked at my vagina it reminded me of my FFS first look. I am 6 weeks post op and my VJ is looking pretty good. I still have healing to do but I feel really good that everything is healing well. I just can not get over the feeling of well being.

Raell, than you for you support. Coming out is difficult and more so if there is no family support. I saw in one of your posts that your daughter visited for a while and I am glad she was there for you.

2017
I had expected to have a BA with my GCS and most likely have it in May 2017.

I need to stop down to North Carolina to Dr. Cooley's for a face to face consult so I can nail down the number of hairs for the first procedure. He will concentrate on restoring my front hairline which is the most important. I am hoping I can get 4000 hairs.I expect to do this in a month or two. I can have the procedure after March 15, 2017. 

I want to investigate VFS after my hair is done and get that done in 2017. I will e-mail the voice pathologist Dr. McGinn recommends today. Perhaps I can avoid VFS. My voice is naturally pretty high.

Lastly, I want to contact Dr. Spiegel's office via e-mail today and inquire if I can have a revision on my jowls. He made a large improvement but not to the extent I expected. I have a round face so perhaps it is just the way it looks best. I mentioned this to my electrolysis technician and I  could read her face. It was surprise and disapproval. Perhaps I am to critical.

I want to lose 15 pounds and will be starting today

[Rachel]

I was at an all day training today at work. I was 4 blocks from our Main campus where we rent 8 floors of a high rise. I needed to dilate during the day. I thought no problem I will do that in the woman's room. There were a lot of people at the training and most are woman (all but 4). I went to the woman's room to pee and dilate. There was a bit of traffic in the bathroom and when entering and exiting the stall I knew someone and chatted a little. This was a great experience.

Dilating
I did it standing up. The bathroom was spotless but still I did not want to dilate on a toilet.

[MaryXYX]

Chatting in the Ladies is a big step into being accepted.  Well done!

[Rachel]

Mary, I think I am accepting myself more and more as time goes by. I am fortunate others accept me too.

I see Dr. McGinn tomorrow for a check up. I think I have two small spots where there maybe granulation. I will find out tomorrow. Peeing is so much easier, faster and more complete now than before GCS. I had a second urethra installed when I was 12. My original urethra was very small and exited at the bottom on my glands. It took forever to pee and had a slight sting when I was done. When I got a UTI the smallest child catheter was too big so I had to have an operation.

There is a section between my anus and vaginal canal where my skin forms a peak in a line. This use to extend to below my gonads. If I gather the nerve to ask I will ask the doctor what she thinks it was from. I have my suspicions and I do not know if finding out is worse than wondering.

I want to get permission to exercise at the gym with my trainer and do steps.

[Rachel]

I had my appointment at Papillion.

Brianna examined me and I am now 4.75 inched deep, up from 4.5 inched deep last time.

I had a small amount of granulation in the back of the vaginal canal, which was taken care of.

She has me dong dry packing to remove the white material at the front of the vaginal canal. This means packing the front of the vagina with gauze and changing it every dilation and every time I pee. When the white skin comes off then stop the dry packing.

She joked about wearing pads and said I get one long period instead of a lot of little ones and that you do not get away from the pads. 

She cleared me for steps and going to the gym.

She asked about dilation and I told her I am doing #1 and #4 for 10 minutes 5 times a day. She said for me to use #1, #2, #3 and #4 for 10 minutes each 5 times a day. Then she said I could do each 7 minutes and that if I missed a session once in a while then that would be ok. She said to try for 10 minutes per dilator and 5 sessions per day as a goal.   

She said I looked really healthy on the inside of my vagina. 

She prescribed me T for daily application for libido. She said it will help with weight loss too. If I get an issue I will stop using it.                               

[Dena]

There is a section between my anus and vaginal canal where my skin forms a peak in a line. This use to extend to below my gonads. If I gather the nerve to ask I will ask the doctor what she thinks it was from. I have my suspicions and I do not know if finding out is worse than wondering.

I had something like what you describe and that's normal on male bodied humans. It's were the labia would have formed if you where born female but as a male, they fuse and leave the ridge. Like you I hoped that there was something underneath it but there isn't.

[Rachel]

Thank you Dena.

I am getting tired of dilating. Pads are starting to irritate the skin along the outside of my panties. Rant off.

I picked up the T cream from the pharmacy. I just put it on; wonder it I will feel any different.

[HappyMoni]

Rachel,
   Where is the  cream supposed to be applied?
Moni

[Rachel]

Hi Monica, anywhere on your body. I am sticking to the tummy and shoulder area. It is a 1 cc per daily dose so I use and reuse a syringe. I never thought I would be taking T. I had  to go to a compounding pharmacy. It is a low dose and not commercially available. A Walgreen near where I live has a compounding Pharmacist. It is not the Mazzoni Walgreen so I could not get it under the federal program. My prescription plan is only for CVS so I paid the $58 out of pocket. I think I will call the Pharmacy tomorrow and see if they can make delestrogen. I have a script in their system.

I think I have some more energy but time will tell.


GCS
Lower Bucks is going through my insurance company for payment. When I was at Dr. McGinn's Thursday they returned the certified check. I need to call my Saving and Loan and ask what I should do with the check. The check was for $5,350.

Aetna POS II is still getting information about the Anesthesia bill. I suspect they will reimburse me soon as they received an itemized bill last week. 

Dr. McGinn's cost was $21,700 for GCS and BA and I will be reimbursed for $14,266.80 which is close to 66% reimbursement.

Electrolysis
I had electrolysis today ( 2 hours) and my chin is finally looking pretty good.

[Rachel]

I was cleared to begin exercising Last Tuesday by Dr. McGinn's PAC during my visit.

Friday I e-mailed the owner of 12th street gym requesting to use the woman's locker room. In the e-mail I attached a scan of my name change notarized form and Doctor's GCS notarized form, I also copied my trainer. Here is a copy of what I e-mailed him:

  Hi Frank,

Happy New Year.

Many things changed since I last e-mailed you. I legally changed my name last year to Rachel xxxxxx. Also I had Facial Feminization Surgery September 16th, 2016 then Gender Reaffirmation Surgery November 15, 2016.

I was cleared Tuesday to return to the gym and train. I had been using the private locker room in the past. When I return I really do not fit into that space anymore and would like to use the woman's locker room. There may be   some woman that may protest to management my use of the locker room. If that is the case I will discontinue the use of the locker room and most likely not return to the gym. I do not want to cause an issue at the gym and I am requesting the opportunity to use a locker room consistent with my sex and gender.

Thank you for your consideration,
Rachel xxxxxxx


This is the response I received:

Hi Rachel,
Happy New Year!
We are here for you, and I know Midge is ready to work again , and help you accomplish your fitness goals!
We support you in using the locker room which is consistent with how you identify.
See you soon,

Frank Baer
General Manager/Owner
12th Street Gym & 12FIT Spa &Gym
215.985.4092

This is a very supportive gym. They have several trans on staff and Frank supports the Attic (trans youth).

I have a training appointment Tuesday. I just need to remember to breath and think I am just another woman in the locker room, as I enter the locker room

[MaryXYX]

"I am just another woman in the locker room" - that's easier to say than to do but it is the way forward.  Congratulations on finding a supportive gym.

[JLT1]

Nice!!!!

Hugs and more Hugs!

Jen

[Rachel]

Mary and Jen, thank you for the support. I went to the gym and wanted to use the private locker room and use the woman's locker room next time. Something inside me said no. I walked into the woman's locker room, changed and then worked out with my trainer. She was "easy" on me and I only had to stop leg lifts after 10 due to fear I was going to damage something in my vaginal area. 

There was one woman that was behind me as I entered the locker room. She went to a locker 5 feet away from me, cool.

I wish my hair was fixed, right now. There is no way I can wear a wig and work out.

Today's workout was at 3:30; next weeks workout is at 4:30. There will be more woman in the locker room. I can do it.

When I walked out of the locker room after working out I felt more confident in myself.

I Gained 10 pounds during my GCS recuperation. I need to lose 30 pounds and I will  do it.