MTF in need of help

[Dena]

Depend a little as to how far you want to go. You might respond by mis gendering them or you can ignore them a time or two and then say Oh, are you talking to me? You will have to say something to them so they understand that you are unhappy with how they treat you or they will not change their ways.

[Katy]

"In the cafeteria at work I got a Chinese bowl. The woman there referred to me as Sir 5 or 6 times. It really bothers me and I do not know how to politely address it. I thought about just saying please do not call me sir. I also thought of saying hi my name is Rachel. Any advise would be appreciated."

It is unclear to me how you presented yourself in the cafeteria.  If you are clearly and unmistakably presenting as a woman, then you might want to have a polite word as you suggested.  If you are presenting in a more gender neutral manner, it might be best to wait until you are clearly sending signals of how you want to be addressed. 

[Rachel]

Hi Devlyn, 4 years, only the last 15 months have I kicked my transition into high gear. You were the first person on Susan's to give me support. It was a bleak time back then, thank you.

Hi Dena, I think I will use her as a baseline for my hair and breast procedures. After such I will see how she addresses me. If still male then I will just ask her please not to call me sir. I thought about what to do long and hard. Thank you.

Hi Katy, I was wearing a New York and company small black and white check pants, gray v neck sweater with the butterfly wing pendant Dr. McGinn gave me after GCS. I have diamond earrings and curly hair below my shoulder. I carry my purple cell phone and wallet combo as is the custom at work for woman workers. My voice is soft and not deep yet not female . My work ID has my name Rachel XXXX on it.


Today I went to Papillion for my 3 month check-up. Debbie is back to work and looks good. Lorie was there and both are so nice. I was seen by Brianna who is awesome.

I had one small granulation spot in the back of my vagina treated with silver nitrate.

My depth is just below 5 inches ( up from 4.75 inches). I was instructed to push a little harder to gain depth.

I can reduce dilations to 3 times a day, I am 11 weeks post-op (yah). I still need to use the 4 dilators.

I have necrosis on the top of the skin before the graph which is about 1.5 inches into the vagina. I was instructed to continue dry packing ( placing gauze in the VJ entrance and change it after peeing and dilation and showering). The gauze is the type with the cheese cloth consistency. I was instructed to use 0.5 percent hydroquarterzone  cream twice a day up from once a day. The cream can cause the healing to stretch which is desirable. If that does not work then they will prescribe 1 % hydroquartazone cream followed by esterase cream. The tightness and pain I am feeling from the orange dilator (which was not there before) is from contraction of the scars on the VJ entrance. The hydroquartazone cream is to stretch the VJ entrance where the scar tissue is located. I also have two spots of white skin that may heal with a contraction of the skin.

My home work is to have an orgasm. Brianna asked how the T cream was doing and I said I do not feel any different and that I have no desire. Brianna went over where to stimulate. She said the clitoris and the prostate. I asked what the prostate felt like and where is it located. She said it is located almost to where the finger can not touch and is like a mini butt with two humps.

My next appointment I meet with Dr. McGinn to plan the BA and clitoral hood scheduling. I also want go over labia minor creation ever if it is a day 2 operation or procedure. I also asked if hair transplants will affect my BA scheduling and she said she will e-mail me Monday. Brianna wants me to send a VJ pic to her in one month so we can review the VJ progress. Brianna said my VJ is doing very well


I go to Mazzoni on the 28th to have a blood test to see if my white blood count is high. I has been high when I look at my blood test records over the past year and I want to look at the trend over time. I suspect it is still high. The blood test for GCS was not posted on my patient record. I have difficulty in the gym completing my trainer directed routines, more so than before. I will use steps to guide to endurance and energy. Presently I do about 24 flights at 5 am and I will increase that 21 more flights and time the activity up and down. When I looked up a high white blood count it was contrary to what I thought. I thought it was a good thing.

My trainer stopped my training last night when I almost threw up. She said I need to see a nutritionals  and gave me a name and number after we reviewed my past week of eating. She said I am not eating enough and I am not getting high quality protein. What I think is good protein from nuts and soy she disputes. She also said I need to eat more before a workout for energy.

[Dena]

When somebody who know you before your transition misgenders you, it most likely is not be cause you appear masculine. It is because of habit or bias and that will require direct action to correct. Though you haven't posted an image here, I think you now appear quite feminine so there is no reason to misgender you because of your appearance.

If you  want an unbiased determination of your passing ability, use a stranger on the street. An example is the other day, Mariah and I were at the Ford dealer waiting for my car to get an oil change (long story how that happened). Mariah was in makeup and dressed well. I was in a sweat shirt without makeup but yet a guy made a pass at both of us. It was a bit of a surprise to me because my face is still filling out after being off HRT for so long but it told me I have been making more progress than expected.

[Rachel]

Hi Dena, you are right. She says sir 5 or 6 times when I do not here she say that to guys, but then I really did not listen in. The next time I get a bowl I will correct her and just say I a female or just show her my ID or just say I am Rachel.

Picture. I am so hesitant to show my face. I think I look male, even though others say different. My hair is long but the front is receded and the top is thin.  I have a very good quality wig but I am not use to wearing it. I only wore it at a work annual dinner. I have makeup but I very seldom were it. If I do it is a flesh color  lipstick with highlights and mascara.

I would love to get hit on.

[Rachel]

I made an appointment with a speech pathologist for next Monday evening. It as the same person that coached Dr. McGinn. I explained to the speech pathologist that I wanted to start with training my voice and if that was not sufficient then have VFS and then more training. She was on board and named one of the two people I was considering for VFS.

I will schedule hair transplants tomorrow, with luck.

[Rachel]

March 20th, I scheduled a 3500 hair follicle transplant by Dr. Jerry Cooley FUT method for $13,500. Any thoughts, ideas, advise or suggestions are welcome.  It includes shuttle service and 2 nights hotel stay.

[Rachel]

I have a voice lesson tomorrow. This will be difficult but necessary. I prepped people at work that I am taking voice lesions and I will need to practice at work.

I had been practicing my voice for 5 years in my car on the way too and back from work. When I hear a recording of my voice it is very different than it was 5 years ago. Yet, it needs more work in pitch, intonation and melody. My goal is to have a female voice and for some reason I feel embarrassed thinking of how awkward my voice will sound when trying to change it and seeing peoples reactions.

30 Days till hair replacement. I am awaiting to see if Aetna accepts Dr. Cooley as an out of network provider. I got a round trip ticked from Frontier airlines for $78 and it is a direct flight out of Trenton.

I am preparing my taxes and out of pocket last year for medical is a little over $60,000. At least I will have a nice deduction. Aetna paid a little over $22,000. FFS was $50,000 which was not covered by Aetna.

[Rachel]

I went to the voice pathologist tonight. It went very well and I understand what she is saying and what she is trying to do. She  gave me some home work to practice and I see her next Friday.

She asked me to hum at 220 Hz and I was at 208. Then we practiced face front sounds and how to start the sound. We also practiced wind and proper posture to speak. She had me hum higher and higher and I hummed do ray me fa so la te. She than asked if I had singing lessons. I said no. I can not sing a note. She was happy with my base voice pitch and she said I can develop a very beautiful voice. We then practiced words and a few sentences. I clipped a few words and we paused and she asked me to notice how I said the word.

I need to take notice of female speech for intonation, pitch and resonance. She also wants me to take note of how woman hang on vowels.

I wish there was a magic pill.

[Maybebaby56]

Feel like a fraud?  I did that. So did many others.

My understanding is that we spent much of our lives living behind a false front pretending to be our assigned gender, and hiding our true selves to avoid feared responses from others. (Damage from growing up in a transphobic culture!)

Since we spend so much time and effort in concealment, even though largely not conscious of it, we can generalize that fear of being revealed into places where it shouldn't be, our professional lives, our family relationships, even our selves. We feel that we are frauds in aspects of our lives that are true! 

I did this with my professional skills, feeling that I was a fraud even while racking up awards and patents. I did this with my thoughts of being trans, not sure I was real until I had been through three months of regular therapy sessions.

It's called Imposter Syndrome and is apparently pretty common in trans people.

https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Impostor_syndrome

Wow. This is quite a revelation. I am not a cis-gender woman, but I have felt like this my whole life.  High achiever, and always convinced no matter what I did, I did not deserve any recognition or credit for what I have achieved.

Thank you for this, Michelle.  I am kind of stunned right now, and trying to process what this means to me in terms of my self-perception.

~Terri

[Dena]

It's a little difficult at first but don't worry because your starting voice will work well. Before surgery and with therapy my working voice was about 130 HZ and I couldn't push it above 180 HZ. Being able to go above 220 HZ indicates you have the potential and you just need to develop it. No magic pill required.

[Rachel]

Hi Dina, thank you for your support.

Part of what I was thinking, which I know is not realistic or brave, is that if I had future VFS then I would have to use future learned vocal training. If I learned the vocal training without VFS then I would need to consciously use it. With some people like my boss I have some fear of changing my voice. I know how he feels about trans and I just need to break through and do it. 

I received a call from an Aetna person about Dr. Cooley and out of network provider. He said he had 12 days to make a determination. I spoke with him and he asked if the transplant was because of age related hair loss. I said no and that I am trans and it is to make a feminine hair line. He said he was going to pass it to his  medical director once he determined the correct cpt code and confirmed it with Dr. Cooley's office.

[Rachel]

Taxes, I could only claim $47,000 of my $63,000 of transition medical care on my taxes. I guess next year I will claim the remainder.

I went to group but remained silent about the upcoming hair transplant procedure. I felt self conscious as some of the woman there do not have medical coverage that covers it. There were some new additions to group, a firefighter and a student ( I wish I started HRT in college).

I got hit on in the elevator in the parking garage in the gayborhood. There was a cis woman there too but he just hit on me .

The topic of hair color came up before our biweekly directors meeting. My boss said he did not care if I colored my hair purple. I was just teasing him.

[Rachel]

I got generic delestrogen at the Mazzoni Walgreen. It was $127.00. When the name brand is available the price of the generic will drop.

My PA-c just has me on E. He said to stop P (I have not taken it since November). Dr, McGinn had me stop it for GCS recovery. Dr. McGinn prescribed me a low level T cream. I took about a 1/3 dose. I never could wrap my head around taking T. My PA-c said he does not recommend T. So the T just went into the trash, it felt good, I had a bad experience on T .

I had a blood test. I am interested in my T level and white blood count. If my WBC is high my PA-c will refer me to a hematologist.

I love going to Mazzoni. There are so many trans there and in the neighborhood it feels comfortable.

[HappyMoni]

Hi Rachel,
   I will be watching to  see how your hair transplant goes. It is on my agenda at some point. I hate the thought of spending money in North Carolina as long as they have the bathroom law in place, but what ya gonna do?
   I was wondering about your statement on taxes as everything I have seen says no tax deduction for cosmetic surgery for appearance improvement.
   Congrats on being hit on. Was it complimentary or an annoyance?
Moni

[Rachel]

Being hit on. The guy was cute and 40ish. He was polite and showed interest. I thought he is really friendly and when I was walking out of the elevator he said good by and have a nice night. When I left the elevator it sunk in, I was hit on. I felt flattered.

I received a call from Aetna today saying my Aetna extended benefits ( work supplied  benefit in excess of Aetna's standard policy) was paying 100% doe the hair transplant minus a $75 in office deductible. I also received an e-mail from Dr. Coolies office stating my procedure was 100% paid for.

North Carolina, I am using the woman's room.

[Rachel]

I am back on injectable E . I had tears rolling down my face when at group one woman was explaining her experiences with mis-gendering. Being on injectables are much different than pills for me. I am still at my pre-transitioning dose of E. I am off the T cream.

I purchased a vibrator from a shop on 12th and Chestnut. There were 2 woman employees. I explained the situation and they were very helpful.  I used it and it felt good but no O .

The two qualified domestic relation orders are with my pension and 403B for pre-approval. This is the second to last step for divorce. Next I submit the pre-approved QUADRO's to the court and we get the decree.

My trainer said if I do not make progress with my weight and stamina in 6 weeks she will no longer train me. She is a high intensity trainer and my throwing up last week in the gym was unacceptable to her (it was after a very intense set and the last set). Sometimes change is not always bad. In 6 weeks if she no longer wants me as a client so be it. If she does want me as a client then I need to have the answer if I really want her as a trainer. I am leaning to trying it alone for a while. I owe her a great debt of gratitude. She has helped me so much but perhaps she is right and change is inevitable and not a bad thing.

I started with the nutritionist Friday. He is working up a program for me.

[Rachel]

8 days from now I will be in North Carolina. 9 days from now I will had 3000 hair transplants. I am excited.

I started with a nutritionist. I am supposed to consume 2000-2200 calories and 125 grams of protein and perform an amount of exercise per day. So far eating that much protein is tough and 2000 calories is a lot of food.

I had my 3rd voice training session Wednesday. Practice is important. I can get this .

Last night while exercising with my trainer I was on my last set and when I was done I threw up. I do not know what to do. She said 2 weeks ago if my endurance did not improve and if I did not lose weight she was going to stop training me. I feel that she is judging me on everything I do and if I do not measure up she will dump me. Puking is not a good thing and I as so embarrassed.

I feel betrayed. My trainer helped me overcome my fear of going into the gym and helped me by introducing me to two trans workers there. She helped me when I started using the woman's locker room. She helped me to get interested in exercise and nutrition. I thought she as a friend and ally.

I guess I will find out what happens in 4 weeks.

[SadieBlake]

Rachel, I've met trainers who just think in speed work and high intensity workouts. My triathlon team used to get discounts on services from such a group and so I availed myself of them. The conversations tended to look like this:

Sadie: I am primarily interested in building very deep aerobic capacity for multi-day mountaineering and in training to be highly efficient at burning fats at the highest possible output levels and thus sparing carbs (especially muscle glycogen) for the hardest parts of a given day of climbing. This fits well with my cycling style which tends to be 6-8 hour efforts with some bursts of intensity needed to keep pace with a group of younger cyclists on the hill sections where.

Trainer: That will require many hours, we can make you fit for racing in less time by adding interval training, speed work and more strength training.

Sadie: Speed work usually costs me too much the days after and my immune system tends to crash resulting in sickness

Trainer: We don't have any clients who can spend the amount of time you're talking about, speed work will get you in racing form in fewer hours per week

Sadie: Well you do, me. I'm fully able to commit 12-20 hours per week

Trainer: OK, but it's against my advice

<Doh>

I get it, they build their reputation on putting clients on the podium, which didn't interest me, I had taken up running & triathlon with the sole objective of being a better rock climber.

This was when I was 50+ and I'd started with this team as the old guy who would be at the back of the pack on training rides. Then one day a teammate noticed I was passing her on the start of a 2 mile hill climb that was part of our semi weekly early training ride+run "<deadname>, what are you doing here?" Then she realized I was on my fixed-gear bike ;-).

Over the next year I had built strength and depth to the point that I could be first to the top of that hill any week I wanted to, usually on my trusty one speed training bike (I never let on that there was absolutely no way I could keep up when we did repeats of that hill and would usually haul out my full road bike if I wanted to do repeats). One of the most fun days was when I took our strongest athlete, a 25 yo British woman and showed her how I could handle hills more efficiently than she did at twice her age and without any gears.

Ok, 'nuff bragging, 30 years before that I'd inquired about racing at a local shop and gotten such a nasty macho response ("don't even think about it unless you're prepared to puke a lot") that I'd not bothered to explore.

She may have gotten you to a place but she may also not be the right trainer for you. I'm pretty sure that my focus on endurance training is part of the reason a year on estrogen hasn't affected my strength. You're the client and if she's unable to put your objectives over her own views then I'm sure you can find someone better suited.

My cycling coach was the best guy I ever worked with and taught me how to be efficient and as comfortable as possible over long distances. At 45 he could still pace at 25 mph for 150 miles of hilly terrain. *His* trainer was a 3x Olympian who at 60 was still able to rip the legs off 20-something cat 1 racers.

[Rachel]

Hi Sadie and thank you for your support. I must have the same trainer. She is head strong and very determined; perhaps to a blind eye to what I need.

Today like usual I was at work after lunch and I went to the bathroom then cleaned my dilators. When I went to use them in my office there was blood in my panties. I used my cell phone to see what was up. There were what looked like two cuts along side the white strip. The white strip has been there for a while and my doctor said it is normal healing. I guess I opened my legs too much when I was peeing?? I really do not know. Any suggestions?