MTF in need of help

[Rachel]

Went to the therapist tonight. I was able to tell her what I keep prommissing the little boy, in a choked voice, I will be true to you-this time. After a lifetime of failing to act on being myself and planning to finially do "it" ( be me) I am finally doing it. She confirmend I am in the process of transitioning and to what that transition will be she said, is open. She said younger TG have the ability to see TG as a spectrum of variants while older TG see it as M or F.

The HRT reappontment is for 2 more months. I had an emotional Tuesday and Wednesday and almost ordered blackmarket stuff ( I did not). We reviewed the issue and she confirmed the black market would not be a good idea for me and why ( I knew already). She gave me a great Idea to follow up on tomorrow ( she has some pull at the center but she wanted me to act as my own "agency"). She said to ask for the 1st available appt and that the PA I was going to can be reassigned afterwards or just do the 2 month reappointment with the original PA. I really like the original PA ( reason- he is absolutely HOT with super cool eyes and a face that is to die for. He is really cute and super nice). I know, but i was taken back when the 2 month reappoint statement was made and I was thinking about the delay and the change in PA. Sounds like a simple solution but I just did not think of it.

[cynthialee]

 

moving right along

[Rachel]

I had lunch with my previous professional coach and another person. I came out to her ( the other person I had already came out to). This is # 6 including 3 health care professionals involved in my care She was fantastic, warm, accepting and encouraging. I knew she would. She asked some questions like how and when  did you know and what is it like being TG. I explained to her if you are TG you know and I knew very early in life and wanted and planned to remove my genitals at age 7 ( and gave her the pertinent 4 periods of life chrisis and hell in between short story, cliff notes version and not too detailed). One question I said I could not answer and told her so. She asked if I wanted to transition and present as a woman and I said yes but there are complications such as family and keeping it intact and a balance between desire and reality. She asked for me to vision what I looked like in a year and what did that look like. I said I did not want to answer that question. She teaches at Villanova and Penn and can get to the point quickly. Truth is I do not know what the future holds but i am open to change.

We discussed how an HR department specific person would handle me coming out to will go. We all agreed the person will be great and I will see if she is free for a quick lunch or coffie later next week.

One thing that was interesting I was cold and shivered  ( place was warm) during the conversation. I have felt this in therapy many times. I got a headach which followed me through to this morning. I think reviewing my past, present and future was a bit difficult. I think others do not understand the difficulty and mental drain it takes. They think it is freeing and ask questions that have a lot of impact. I guess they are right put the freedom has a price. I was able to maintain eye contact 40-50 % during the conversation, was able to get most of the words out pretty well but felt really nervious and like I was under pressure. All-in-all, a pretty good lunch. I just wish the headach would go away.

[cynthialee]

your 'cold and shivering' feelings are a natural response to trauma and it is infact very good for you and helps to heal the body, soul and mind
Let the shivers happen when you face this trauma. And trauma it is hun. Being trans* is rough stuff sometimes. Let the shivers and tears flow. Embrace the truth and face that pain head on and let it know that it will be dealt with. Then take action.
Which you have been in spades by doing exactly as you have been doing.
Just be aware that it is a natural response to your situation and it is actualy healthy for you.

I highly recomend Waking the Tiger, by Peter Levine for any one who has undergone trauma or works in a profesional capacity with people who have gone through trauma.

http://www.amazon.com/s/?ie=UTF8&keywords=waking+the+tiger+peter+levine&tag=googhydr-20&index=aps&hvadid=18993646001&hvpos=1t1&hvexid=&hvnetw=g&hvrand=474605450469083541&hvpone=&hvptwo=&hvqmt=b&ref=pd_sl_3l4xi3r2s_b

[Rachel]

Thank you. I will order the book, hugs.

[cynthialee]

It is the book I recomend the most for anyone who has faced trauma in thier life.

And it certainly can be traumatic being trans*.

One of the key things to recover from trauma is to do something about it. Even if the action you choose is the wrong course of action, the fact that you tried to do something about it will mitigate the amount of emotional issues you deal with later on down the road due to the trauma.
Sorta like people who get caught in a survival situation. The majority of people who live through a critical survival situation did something instead of waiting for help and not doing something. Even if the action they choose was not the best choice, often it was better than doing nothing at all.

The fact that you are facing this trans* thing, talking about it with your therapist and peers and forming a plan of action to deal with it is the best thing you could have done. You are acting when faced with a chalenge instead of letting it overwhelm you and doing nothing.

[Rachel]

Went to the therapist today. I came out to an associate last week and we reviewed what occured, how I felt and how it was received. I definately imporved on the delivery and the acceptance was awesome. I went over the plan to inflrm an HR person in 2 weeks. Specifically what to include. We are a self insured company so prescriptions may set off a red light. Also, I wanted to recover the cost of the therapist so that will put up a red flag. I also like the person and she would be an awesome alli.

Went over a next book and the trans confeance and what to go to. She is on several panels and teaches at U of P. She also has 1st hand trans* experiance in many perspectives.

Went over hormones and what to expect. I am 6'2" and have some apprehention about my height and other things ( the beach).

[cynthialee]

The first trans woman who supported me and was there for me is over 6'5".

just throwing that out there

[Rachel]

Thank you.

I forgot to mention. The therapist and I reviewed the closer I get to HRT and acceptance the worse the dysphoria gets. It comes in waves and usually is heavy the day before and after therapy. I love therapy and am very lucky to be going but it is not fun and causes as much stress as relief. The cumulative effect is so empowering. At times, I almost feel happy to be me. Perhaps I am just happy to be accepted although it is only by a few.

The HR person had dinner with my newest alli. The alli mentioned a trans* was coming her way to disclose ( we reviewed this prior to the dinner. The purpose was to reduce the shock to the person informed). I had tried to get an appointment with the HR person but schedules did not align. I saw her today and she was anxious to get together today but it did not work out. I will see her in a week or two.

[cynthialee]

Just got a call from my trans daughter who adopted me as her mom a while back.
She is a whooping 6' 8" and an amazon. Rather cute to be honest. She is almost a year post op and living true to self for the last 2 years. She is gainfully employed and on the hunt for a husband.
So her height is not holding her back either.

[Lawreign]

I deeply feel for you sweetie. Self Development of your inner structure ( this does not mean self medicating, that must be supervised ) Gather from the pool of what makes you the better person you know you are, this is irrespective of Gender. It comes from the moral and life style choices you and your wife have made together, this may highlight a likely outcome with your loved ones. Check into the employment policies of your place of employment, they don't have to know why your asking !!
A therapist almost goes without saying, their input in helping you consolidate the positives and negate allot of the mind clutter that come from fear is priceless.
The fact you mentioned your sense of lying to loved ones, I personally would get ride of that guilt immediately.
Some wise person said our thoughts inform our actions and this is largely a true but until your post in this forum you don't seemed to have acted on any of your fantasies and so no real breach of trust or fidelity. The only real deception is to yourself, otherwise what I hear is a dedicated husband and father that has suppressed inner truth for the benefit of their loved ones.

I first started HRT in the mid 80's silicone implants were gaining controversy and saline come onto the market and GRS well it was barbaric allot of the new trans community were animate of not having final surgery. After 12 yrs I stopped HRT believing at least I tried but was uncomfortable with the idea of being neither one nor the other gender. I thought that was the end of it. 
2 yrs ago the whole concept seem to over whelm me I thought about returning to HRT but all the same fears you've mentioned came with it, also I'm 48 not as convincing as I was in my 20's.
I thought it threw for 6mts ish, started HRT 14 mths ago and the Universe has supported me in ways I could not have believed.......We are always in the right place at the right time it's just believing that !!
And regularly check in at Susan's Place, you'll find the love of a mother, the guidance of a farther and the understanding and support of a whole convention centre of psychologists..... LOL

PS I just read the rest of the posts should have done that before posting myself...Bonna Fortuna

[Rachel]

Thank you.

I have a hang up about not doing something ( had a great plan) when I was really young. I realize it was not ment to be. My family and elementaty school ( 1st grade) would not have been " receptive" and the plan I had would have left them no choice about a transition for me. The standards of care and restrictions on SRS were very much diferent. When I was young I was very indescriment about sex and who with. I would not have made it through college without HIV let alone high school. So I guess it was not ment to be.

I have been completely faithful to my wife and prior to her I was celibate for 6 years. I have a wondeful child and wife, great job ( at least till HRT makes transition at work inevitable, than who knows), our health and my becoming me. I hope the change will be awesome for us and welcomed. However, I think it will have its challenges. My wife will need to decide if she loves the internal  me or the external me. My coping mechanisms to keep my inner female sex in a box ( to be let out 10 minutes a night) is gone for good.

I have to admit I am putting the horse in front of the cart. I ordered AA and E to be here in 9 days. I could not wait till the end of May. I informend the Therapist ( she had reservations and expressed why). The Mazzoni center already hads my bloodwork and I had to cancel my appointment last week and it takes 2 months to get a new appointment. I will inform them what I am doing and the dosages ( same AA and E and amounts they were going to write scripts for). There is an electronic medical chart and I will have them update the chart. I can not wait, it is the same dose and product and I will inform them. I am having a very difficullt time with head aches and disphoria. Cancelling the last appointment was a serious issue with me and I rally need to start HRT to stop the issuse.

[Rachel]

Wife found Propecia and Cialis in the drawer and got very upset asking why I hid this from her and what else I was hiding. She said Propecia was for MTF for transitioning, read it on the internet. I was at work and remained calm on the phone. She asked that I get Cialis a while back and I told her I just did it for her and that I took one pill the last time we had sex. She said she felt there was no differance. She asked if it came from our doctor and I said it came from a doctor at 809 Locust Street in Phila. She said is that from your Gay place in a demenaing hurtful way. I said yes and that I switched doctors. I told her the Propecia was for hair and not transitioning. i asked her to read what its primary purpose is in the article she was reading and she responded for hair. I said did you see the Rogain too and she said yes and I said it is for hair too.

She asked why I hid these things nd I said the last time I shared she had a melt down and I did not share from that point on. I said I need to express myself and I need to know the bounds of her comfort. She wants me to tell her what I want to do and she would tell me her comfort. She said you said you did not want to wear a dress and I said I do not want to wear a dress ( not my style, least not now). 

Home and not stressful, odd. Therapist Monday evening and I need to review with HR next week too. Head hurts but no feelng of the issues now. Earlier today I was week, cold and head and stomach hurt. Felt like I wanted to throw up my brain.

Reading "Walking the Tiger" and yes I identify with the trauma I am experiancing. I deal with stressful issues and trans issues that are high stress and conflicted with my sence of self identity with holding back and stopping ( stopping feeling). I know i need to learn how to allow an action to happen to release the energy. How I need to figure out. 

[cynthialee]

It is a good book for folks in our shoes.

I can't believe that she went off like that over hair loss pills and boner pills! LOL


Talk about going off half cocked!

[Rachel]

Went to the therapist today. As usual I did not sleep much last night. I have had a splitting headach all day. She liked my mind map ( trans mind map) and she will be forwarding a recommened book and events to view at the Phila Trans Conderance 6/13-15/2013.

I am a bit upset with myself ( we went over this in therapy) for continually being stuck in a non-committal destructive loop ( got this realization from the book "Walking the Tiger", thanks Cynthialee).  I ordered some AA and E on-line ( will dislose to my Healtch Care Provider if I take it earlier than my HRT appointment). I was in an absolute panic, will my wife sign for the package, will a slip be placed in the mail box and my wife ask about it or will I get the mail? I back into what I want, do not commit, weigh positives and negatives and feel helpless about the results. Yes, I repeat this cycle over and over. The absolute dread, fright and sick feelings will stop when I realize and commit to what I want. Committing is a very difficule thing. People will know where I stand and be able to criticize my stand.

I see trans woman at the LGBTQ center and I think they are the strongest people on earth. Learning to commit and stand for something about me is my next issue to resolve, discussing HRT with my wife. Any convesation starters would be most welcome.

[cynthialee]

I tend to open with:

Hi. I am Cynthia what's your name?

(oh and it is Waking the Tiger...not Walking the Tiger but what is one letter between friends?)

[FrancisAnn]

Cynthia, Relax & Chill. It will be OK. No need to work yourself into a problem. Get a good nights sleep, eat right, just move slow & logical with the problem for the right solutions.

[Rachel]

Thanks and hugs;

I will let her ( wife) know I am going to the trans conferance June 13-15 and invite her.

I need some way to let her know I will be on HRT soon. I need some advice and how to open the subject to her. I sneek and back into things and then feel sick in the feelings of getting caught. I need to stand up for me and not slither in the grass.

I will be patient but there are feelings inside driving me to HRT and they are gaining in strength. Maybe it is all in my head.

Yes, Waking the Tiger. The kitties look so cute on the cover. I have a tiger tattoo on my stomach, side and partly on my back ( large). I kid you not, this beast gives me strength in times ot trouble. I picture him ( male tiger, had his gonads removed) when there is nothing else I can do but go forward.

Had a meeting today with my boss, normal monthly. At the meeting end we were talking about stuff. He looked me straight in the face and asked 3 times, is there something bothering you? Do you want to tell me something? I meet with HR Friday. She knows what it is about. She was told " someone will be contacting you about being Trans". Perhaps I am just hyper sensative about everything.

Why is it i am starting to feel special while I feel others will see me as flawed?

[cynthialee]

how fiting that you would have a tiger tattoo!



Not being hypersensitive. Your boss knows it is you. Which is actually a good sign that you must be throwing out girly vibes.

As for the wife...I got nothing sorry. My situation and yours are so very differant in this area. My spouse is also trans and knew I was trans before we married. Ze just didn't expet me to transition until I hit my 50's...Surprise!!!

[Rachel]

Thaking to HR tomorrow. Therapist has me hitting the following points:
- inform them if I change my name or dress I will inflorm them with plenty of notice.
- This is a medical condition. So, since we are self insured and if there is any discussion about HRT or Therapist reimbursement   then the employee discussions are to be stopped.

I want to develope "agency" ( as the therapist put it) and get the HR persons perspective. I like and admire her and think she as a alli would be fantastic. I also think being trans is fine and natural ( now that I accept myself) and misjudge how others feel and react. So, it will be interesting.

I hope to be able to sleep well finally tomorrow night!