MTF in need of help

[Dena]

I had an incision from my trachea shave and it was pretty clean. Without the modern treatment, it left a fine line that could easily be covered with a little makeup. After it healed, it's still visible if you know what you are looking at but nobody notices it. I have pointed it out to a few people over the years and they were surprised that it was there.

I only slipped and spoke once after voice surgery. The trick was as I live by my self, I practiced the week before surgery so I knew how to avoid speaking, coughing and all the other things you aren't supposed to do. I even found I had to avoid chocolate because it produce far to much mucus.

[Laurie]

 So Rachel, the doctor was able to do the surgery that you were hoping for?  That's great!. Now hush up and get some rest now that we know you are doing okay.

Hugs,
   Laurie

[HappyMoni]

Hi Rachel,
   One word of wisdom for you, "Shhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!"
Moni

[Kendra]

> my cricoid and thyroid cartridges were not calcified and were in good condition to use for the operation.

That's excellent news! 

Waiting to hear and develop your new voice doesn't sound easy - having to wait.  But so glad your operation went without complications. 

[Rachel]

Hi Dena, thanks for the support. They took the bandages off today and the line is nowhere what I imagined. I think it will heal ok. It is over the cricoid and thyroid area so I am not too happy about that but as you said I think it will heal very well.


Last night I took an oxi pill and immediately got an acid stomach and threw up. I threw up 3 more times until nothing was left. oxi and I do not mix well. It could have been the anesthesia.

Hi Laurie, thank you for the support. I hope the surgery turns out to be what I wanted. I have no reference and being able to speak (low tone and vocal power) and being able to swallow and cough (low power) if I need to has me wondering for it is like the Hotel California song, this can be heaven or this can be hell.

Hi Kendra, thank you for your support. The doctor told me that for the next 6 weeks while the cricoid and thyroid cartilages fuse I need to speak low and with no vocal power. I have my fingers crossed.

Hi Monica, thanks for the support. I was told today I can talk in a low tone with low power. Dr. Sataloff had me do the E sound from high to low. About 1/2 of the way no sound came out. My lower registry is gone. What I have left is my upper registry unaffected.
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I do not know what the pre-admission testing or the operation and follow-up will cost. It is covered under insurance and I went to in-network providers. I am about out of co-pay dollars so it may end up costing very little.



I have questions.

If this surgery locked out the lower registry ( as I have been told) how does that compare to the CTA and glottoplasty?

The doctor said I am now a soprano and have my original voice unchanged (the part remaining). When you had glottoplasty or a CTA was you lower registry gone? Mine is gone below a point.

Did you use a higher pitch than normal to compensate for no lower voice? As time goes by I will learn how this procedure worked out.

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I was awake for the operation and had to voice the e-sound at a point. I heard them talking (three doctors, one was there just to watch). I heard them say the cartledges are flexible and they were able to get the thyroid cartledge 100% under the cricoid cartledge. I had a green cloth cover over my face during the operation. When I felt pain I voiced it and they injected me with something. There was two points where I was told to not swallow. The two cartledges are stitched together. One behind the other.

[Laurie]

It sounds good so far Rachel now hush and heal lest they break out the duct tape.

Hugs,
  Laurie

[Dena]

Unfortunately I don't know as much about CTA as I would like to. I suspect what CTA does is lock you into the head voice so it's not possible to drop into the chest voice any longer. This results in a reduced range so the ability to sing is limited by the reduced range. I would have agreed to CTA had it been needed but my preference was to not have CTA because of the range restrictions. As it turned out, I went from about half an active of range to nearly two octaves of range with my surgery. I had the understanding this wouldn't be the case so I was very surprised when I found I could comfortably hit 500HZ or better and still drop to 130 HZ in my chest voice.

[Faith]

Unfortunately I don't know as much about CTA as I would like to. I suspect what CTA does is lock you into the head voice so it's not possible to drop into the chest voice any longer. This results in a reduced range so the ability to sing is limited by the reduced range. I would have agreed to CTA had it been needed but my preference was to not have CTA because of the range restrictions. As it turned out, I went from about half an active of range to nearly two octaves of range with my surgery. I had the understanding this wouldn't be the case so I was very surprised when I found I could comfortably hit 500HZ or better and still drop to 130 HZ in my chest voice.

That's awesome. The day may never come for me, however, as a singer it's nice to know there's a chance for this outcome.

[Rachel]

Faith, I would love to be able to sing. Perhaps VFS is in your future. I know at a point any body alignment seamed impossible. Somehow things that must happen will happen.

Laurie, I need to keep my big mouth shut. I went to work today and talked too much (low with no power but too much). I had an inquisition I had to go to. Tomorrow I will be good. I share office space with about a dozen Nurse Practitioners and I had to answer some questions and explain the different VFS procedures. Then take advise and smile.

Dena, thanks, I have to admit with all my reading about the different procedures and the people that perform them I still have more questions than answers.  One thing Dr. Sataloff told me is if I want a higher pitch he would do a glottoplasty. He warned that the pitch would be to high for my age. He also said that a year later the vocal folds would stretch and my pitch would lower to a more correct level. He does a 40 to 50% tie and leaves the top 1/3 of the mucosal layer pushed out of the way of the tie. I am still confused about VFS. I need to be patient and see how my voice sounds in a month or two.
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The bill for Dr. Sataloff came to Aetna today and it was $2,750 of which $88 is my cost. The hospital bill has not come in yet.

Lower Bucks resent the invoice for the $11,000 plus for the outpatient BA my cost. I had that removed last month. They took Aetna's settlement of $8,900 of which I paid 10% and was refunded $310 from my $1,200 payment at admission. I will call them again and settle it again.

There are serious issues with Hospital fees and insurance payments in the USA. Dr. McGinn's cost for a BA is a package including OR and anesthesia, implants and her cost for less that Aetna paid for the OR time. The reason I had to do the BA separate from the GCS was due to an issue during GCS. The OR time should have cost about $2,000. Lower Bucks is no longer in-network with Aetna ( I do not blame them. Lower Bucks charged $90,000 (settled for half) for ICU costs during my GCS stay for 1 day). So my GCS revision in April would have been 10% co-pay and now will be 20% co-pay. I should be out of deductible so it either will be $0 or 10%; time will tell. I know I am very lucky, rant off.

[Laurie]

Rachel,

  Don't make me bring my roll of duct tape out. Behave girl.

Hugs,
  Laurie

[Dena]

Keep a pad of paper and a pen or two with you at all times. I went to the drug store and bought a few 5x7 binders and other than about 5 words I uttered by mistake, all my words are recorded on paper. I have heard of others who texted but there are text to voice apps for cellphones that would also work.

[Rachel]

Thanks Laurie and Dena.

I had to go to work this morning ( I wore fitted jeans and a fitted top and one of the guys said I looked good) and then I went to the park and walked 7.5 miles with a 20 pound pack. The trails were 70% clear of snow. I left my 40 pound pack home. I had to pee and went to the woman's bathroom in the park, which as very clean. Tomorrow I will bring both packs.

I came home and harvested my broccoli sprouts, heat treated and froze them.

My ex-wife and daughter came home and my ex had the TV information of the TV she wants for Christmas. She texted the info to me. Next she asked what I want. I sent her a link to 20 pound ankle weights and a North Face woman's coat. She had no issue ordering both items. She ordered me a woman's coat. She said she would never order me any woman's cloths or a woman's coat or jacket several years ago. Progress!

My daughter was not the least bit upset when she found out about my VFS. Progress!

When I first speak in the day my voice is awesome, clear, crisp and high pitch. Then it gets hoarse. My throat and vocal area is sore all the time. Like the doc said it will take 6 weeks for my throat to heal. My throat area is swollen still and cold water feels very good.

I was to be off Monday but my boss scheduled a meeting I need to be at. I have a 10:30 Dr's appointment across town and will need to be there. I want to ask the doctor about the swelling, soreness and make sure everything is ok. I took some pain med with me to work but did not take it. I was going to go to Social Security Monday morning but I will need to postpone that. Apparently my name was not changed at Social Security.

January 22, 2018 I see Dr. McGinn for a consult on my brows. During the April GCS revision if the Doctor agrees I would like to get a brow lift. I will get her thoughts. I am going to do my best to go modified kito (lots of veggies and salad along with fat and protein) and lose 30 pounds.

[jessica95]

I have my 1st appointment for informend consent in 6 days. I tried to move it up but they are booked. They are an informed consent location in Philadelphia. I really need to talk to them.

One 12/12/12 I admitted to myself I am transgender ( at age 50). A liftime of payback is rushing into my brain. I surrendered to my feminine self on 1/5/2013 ( scheduled the appointment at the LTGB center). I hate my male self for all the pain I inflicted upon myself and others and for my inability to be honest. I am responsible for this mess ( my head is throbbing and emotions are on the surface).

What triggered the bomb to go off? My wife asked me why I  never iniated sex. Was she ugly? I reassured he she was beautiful but I could not tell her why I could not iniate sex. This bothered me. I started writhing down my history and then a flood of things came in. Volumes of things I surpressed. Refused to remember, did not happen if I could not remember. I looked over what I wrote and thought. I am a complete fraud, chicken and transgender.

In the past I had coping mechanism to substatute for the female side of me. I ( huge embarrassment) after puberty masterbated and fanticized I was a woman and was satisfying men in every way possible. There were thoughts throughout the day but I allowed an outlet at night and re-directed the day thoughts for later. Lots of other things I could expand on but they would be a bit graphic.

I have had a headach since 12/12/2012, now my stomach hurts almost costantly for the past 2 days. I can not sleep much and all  I can think about is coming to terms with my past, present and future. In the past three days driving home, Wednesday I was in a pure state of panic, Thursaday and Friday I cried. My drive is 1.5 hours and cried the whole time. Work is turning into a very difficult place to concentrate and I think 25% of the time about my MTF conflict. What is happening?

I took my daughter and her friend to the movies and when I came home I almost told my wife I am transgender. I chickeded out. I am so lame.

My wife and daughter are my life and I love them and would not ever want to hurt them. I love where I work and really believe what I do counts toward the final effort and we collectively do amazing things for others. I would be crushed if I lost one of the three yet the potential of all three, not to mention the embarressment of others finding out I am female. I am in hell ( can't fight back the tears).

I think I need to tell everyone, wife, daughter, work and family ASAP. Things are getting worse every day.

I think I need HRT but that scarres the hell out of me. Add a sex change and I am over the top. Voice, breasts cloths make-up, find another job, divorce and lose my daughter. Life will not be worth living. Yet I am drawn to admit who I am, stop the pain and get some quiet.

I will try to explaine the battle inside of me. I surrendered to my feminine self ( Cynthia) and apologized many time to her ho all the years of pain I caused her. She is extreamly creative, bright, very sensitive, loving, nurturing, quick witted and the reason I have been successful. The male personna has anger, hatrid, supresses creativeness, is very competive and mean. I can not control the internal feeling of male sub-rage running unabated inside of me. I am numb and unfeeling.


I have been reading the different posts for about a month and perhaps someone can provide some insight. I do not know what dysphoria is, do I have it? Is there hope for me? How do you cope.

From 2013? Dont hate yourself for the pain you inflicted on yourself, let past be past, and tell everyone about your gender as female, and never give up (not good advices, but the best i can give).

[Rachel]

Hi Jessica, I think it is very good advise. My therapist asks me from time to time when will I forgive myself. I replay what I should have done and the results of not doing it. I would have had a very different life perhaps it would not have been good. I do know. I am lucky to be alive and healthy and somewhat happy.
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I am in the process of making my FFS appeal level 2. I will most likely not succeed and will contemplate a level 3 appeal if not at least partially successful. In my mind I win when I file because I am making a statement I am trans and my ffs was medically necessary. Also, here are the people that state so and recommended organizations that say it can be medically necessary.

Another arguement is that I need vaginal surgery in April that is extensive and if the vocal work I just had is not enough I will have another proceedure of which both are covered under insurance so I may not want to rock the boat. Plus I am getting tired of electrolysis and may request e3000 be covered of which it takes several treatments. So, my electrolysis so far has cost about $30,000 of which $18,000 was covered by insurance.

On a positive note i am pretty happy. I no longer have suicidal ideation and my GD is gone. I want to go back to school and learn something different. I think I will call this week to see what the process is.

[Rachel]

I have been recording my voice each morning this week. I am at about 185 HZ without raising my pitch. I feel some vibration in my nose area without projecting. If I raise my pitch just slightly I get good head resonance and 230 HZ. I still am swollen and need a few more weeks to heal. My throat is just the slightest bit sore when I swallow. Swallowing still feels odd and like there is something there. I can see movement on the outside when I swallow.

My timber is lighter, pitch higher and there is some vibration in my nose area. After the 1st week I was skeptical. The last 4 days has seen some nice improvement. I hope there is more improvement. If my voice was to arrest now I would be very disappointed. One thing that is not expected is that when I speak and do not rush, my voice is much clearer.

I am locked out of my lower registry. I could go below 185 HZ but not much below. I do not want to test the low for fear of damage. Also, I do not want to test the high for fear of damaging my voice.

So far pretty good.
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I spoke to my therapist tonight. I discussed that for my long term mental health I need to do something productive with the rest of my life. I will call a school tomorrow and see if I can get an appointment with the dean of the school to discuss the potential of a part time study option.

Part of my decision process was that the probability of finding someone to share life with is low. I do not want to move into most neighborhoods in Philly with the exception of 5th and Bainbridge area. This is due to cost, parking and crime. I do not want to be lonely and sit and mold. So, why not learn and potentially start another career. It will take me 6 or so years but I am fine with that. The fact is that I am really like the people I work with and believe in our mission. It would be nice to branch out and work in another department eventually.
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I will work on my FFS level 2 appeal. I have an outline and I will make the draft. So this weekend I want to get he draft done.

[inenidok]

Just need to take a breath and slow up and just relax it is not the end of the world. I was in the same boat, but after i accepted who i was and decided to come out i went and seen a therapist talked felt a little relaxed cleared my mind, i told my wife and included her in my sessions, then i told my daughters and they was cool and supported me 110% . Well i then set goals an stayed focus on where i wanted tto go  i accepted that i would lose friends an so be it its going to happen. But thats fine my true friends stayed and backed me up, then i told my doctor she was cool with it and honestly excited i came out. Well she refered me to a hrt doctor she said i was the second patient of hers thats transgender. So i went and seen the hrt last monday and got hormones, done talk to a lawyer about name change and docs changed, also have check in on hair removal in jan,

The point is dont panic just stop clear your mind set some goals be focus and be honest with yourself and others, but my goals and your goals and other people all have different goals but the point is find your goals and set them. There is a lot of support on this fourm, you are not alone.

[Dena]

Don't judge your final voice yet. As the swelling goes down, your cords may become less massive and your pitch may go up. I have seen the final voice in as little as 6 weeks and as much as a year. It just depends on how quickly you body deals with the swelling. Unfortunately my body takes it own good time about it so I have to be patience.

[Laurie]

  It sounds like progress on all fronts Rachel. Now hush. I like your going back to study for a new start and not hurrying it. It just might work. As for companionship  well you're not old like me yet so there is still hope. Don't give up on that either.

Hugs,
  Laurie

[Rachel]

Hello and thank you Inenodok, That is good advise, to set new goals and work to achieve them. New years I think I have 3 goals:

Lose 30 pounds (go modified keto), Jan 1.
Start going to places I like to go to (museums, institutes, parks and ranges). If I meet someone all the better.
Cut and color my hair in April, modified blond
Investigate some sort of schooling in an area that I am interested in.

Dena, thanks for your support. My voice continues to improve and the pain is gone. My incision has some minor scabbing that still needs to fall off. I think after that I will get some silicone scar material to reduce the scar. I really do not like the thought of a scar there but in order to have the operation I had no choice.

I am locked out of the old lower voice. I definitely notice a change and the first two weeks my voice got horse when I used. It still gets horse when I speak after a  while but there is no pain. I have been told that my pitch is a bit higher and that there is something else different. My voice is lighter. I think in 4 or so weeks it will be close to how it will be from the operation. I can not raise my pitch or use vocal power for 4 more weeks. I need to schedule voice therapy at Dr. Sataloff's office. Perhaps I will go back to Renee Blaker for voice therapy. If I am not satisfied I will go back for a glottoplasty. I have been recording my voice every day or so. In the morning my pitch is higher then as I use it it may have a slight crack and be a little lower in pitch. When I speak, to me, I do not recognize my voice, it sounds very different. When I hear my voice it sounds different.

Hi Laurie, I think you nailed it. It is about companionship. I have a trans friend at work and his wife offered to take me out to bars where there is a good probability of meeting someone. I have hesitation in meeting someone. One thing is STD's the other is meeting a person that is not nice. You only find out after a while. I guess you can only find out if you put yourself out there. Then there are all the insecurities of being trans and still in transition. My hair is getting better but still needs time for round 2 grafts to grow. I feel awkward and not particularly attractive. My confidence is something I am working on too.

[Allison S]

Rachel as far as STDs just make sure you both get tested before doing anything and use protection. I got tested when I went for hrt the first time and haven't been sexually active since. It was nice to start with a clean slate [emoji4]

I do understand it's very scary but there's ways to stay safe.

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