MTF in need of help

[Rachel]

I am back from Papillion. I can:

go back to work tomorrow,
Shower each day but not rub my vagina when cleaning,
Not exercise until May 4th (also when Dr. McGinn's duck hatch, LOL)
Not dilate another week,
use a q tip to remove any yellow material and expect a little blood.

She said it is about the best we can do to remove the scar tissue. She did not want me to lose much depth. I lost some depth when the vagina was made deeper and the scar tissue was removed. The vagina looks like a vagina now . There are a lot of stitches under the skin. She used a lot of the excess skin for the vagina. The whole are looks much better.

Dr. McGinn asked how I felt about my vagina and I said it looks great.

[HappyMoni]

Rachel,
   Sorry I missed you, but I did mention to Dr. McGinn that you are a friend. She said, "Oh I just love Rachel, she's such a nice person." You could tell she meant it. I had to agree. I just happened to be there the same day as two of my recovery mates from last June. It was kind of a reunion. I'll post what happened with me on my thread. So glad you are happy with things. She does want you to have a good result.
Monica

[Rachel]

Hi Monica, I would have loved to meet up there.  Dr McGinn is a special person to me. She has done so much for me.

I had really bad genitals to work with. The first operation got rid of my dysphoria but the vagina and vagina canal were not good. To boot I had a lot of scar tissue and other complications. I had no labia minora and the vagina was shallow.  She used my whole glands penis which is now very small. My hood needed work and my urethra needed moving. She did the best she could with the first operation. I showed you my pics when you were in the hospital. They were not good.

Now I look great and I have a nice labia majora and minora. The excess skin is gone as well as the scar tissue. My hood looks robust and when I pee it is really good and it goes to the correct place. I was so scared the peeing would be compromised. I am so very happy 😃

One thing, my labia and vagina are a bit sore. When I pee I do not pat dry the inner vaginal area thoroughly just yet. It is sore and there are stitches, many stitches. The doctor does not want me to pop a stitch and I am sore so I will take it easy. Anyhow, one more week for the stitches and no dilation for one more week. I will be at Papillion next Monday at 9:30.

Friday night I will be going to the Raven in New Hope. Maybe Saturday too. May 4th I can resume physical activities. The Raven has a pool and pool memberships in the summer. I am 193 this morning and my goal is 13 pounds away.



I had tears of joy writing this; it is very emotional.

[mortiis34]

Greetings, Cynthia.
Thank you for your open, honest and very heartfelt post.

"I hate my male self for all the pain I inflicted upon myself and others and for my inability to be honest. " - this is me entirely. Yet I have not completely admitted this to anyone else yet and apologized for some of the bad things I've said/done.

What triggered the bomb to go off in my head and for me to finally commit to who I know I have always truly been - was a phone call with my "mother" (and I use the term very loosely) where she confessed that she still despised me and who I was. It gave me a sense of closure, knowing that I can never (and SHOULD NEVER) worry about upsetting her again, and that I should just be ME.

My coping mechanisms in the past are too embarrassing to admit here, but they involved (but are not limited to) cross-dressing (and afterwards feeling shameful and sick for doing so), acting out sexually, drug and alcohol addiction (when I was younger), numerous suicide attempts, and other forms of bad self-soothing behavior.

I have an 18 year old daughter whom I am estranged from (not my choice), she knows nothing about any of this, and I do not know how/when or even if I SHOULD tell her - does she need to know yet? I have no idea.

I am about to start my HRT next month (it was really the soonest I could get in, despite me wanting it to be immediate!), so I am far behind you, but we are ALL on the same (yet slightly different/modified) journey.

I am always here to chat.

[Rachel]

Hi Mortis,

I see some similar coping behaviours that we share. Not being who we are causes us to cope and do negative behaviours. I do not know it it an extension of out self hate but I think it is. It took me a lot of time to figure out why I was doing things that hurt myself and a lot off healing. I do know transition for me has brought about a huge change in how I think about myself and how I interact with others.

How you disclose to others and when is completely up to you but I do recommend you talk to a therapist and work it out before just doing it without thinking about the outcomes and have a support system to help you if the outcomes are not good.

I am happy you are working with a doctor and will be on HRT soon. The transition storm is about to come. expressing, documents, name, HRT, coming out and procedures. You have a lot of things on your plate coming up. Remember to breath and not everything needs to be done at once if at all. Take your time.

I am available to talk or type,

Rachel

[JudiBlueEyes]

Hello Rachel.  I'm new to the site but I have followed your posts from the beginning.  Thank you for letting us into your world and being so candid.  Its much appreciated.  You look wonderful!

Judi

[Rachel]

Hi Judi, thank you for the compliment and support.

I went to work Wednesday, I had a mandatory meeting. I definitely am paying the price. I took picks of the vagina and sent them to Kristal at Papillion on Thursday morning. She thought it would be ok till Monday when I have my scheduled appointment at Papillion. I was really good yesterday and today and stayed off my feet.

With the operation I had there are two angled cuts on either side of my vagina. One is parallel with my legs and the other is angled from the lower portion of my vagina and diagonal up.  The 4 cuts are about half as long as the cuts in the crease of my legs from the original GCS. Anyhow, the bottom two cuts really are sensitive, especially when I walk. Also, there is an open part in the lower vagina in the canal entrance and it hurts.

I have made up my mind no matter what I am done with any more vaginal operations. Dr. McGinn did a great job and I am very thankful. I just am done. Maybe it is because I am stir crazy right now. I do have to say the vagina looks very nice and my clitoris is very sensitive and covered very well. Monday I hope to be back on a dilation schedule.

I will be going to the Raven tonight in New Hope an walk very little. There is a meet up there tomorrow tonight and tonight I just want to get out and get something to eat and relax out for a little.

[JLT1]

Hang in there!!!!

Hugs

Jen

[Devlyn]

Jen, good to see you! You, Rachel, and I are all from the same class here at Susan's. 

Hugs, Devlyn

[Rachel]

Hi Jen and Devlyn, thank you for your support. I really appreciate it.

Jen, thank you so much for all your help along the way. I got my level 2 FFS insurance denial yesterday. My only recourse is civil action or go through ERISA requesting arbitration. I was thinking Arbitration, any recommendation?

Hi Devlyn, you welcomed me to Susan's and that meant so much to me. I was so fragile back then. Thank you.

-----------------------------------
The really painful section is now turning into scar tissue. it will get bigger but hopefully it arrests and stops. From experience in time it will grow from micro cuts in the scar as the area expands. hen it will stop growing when it expands to a point when the scar can resist the force of the tissue stress.

My vagina feels so much better today. I feel good yesterday but today it feels great. I go to Papillion Monday and I will see what they say. The scar tissue spot is small so it is not a huge issue. The pain has subsided.

I will be going back tonight for a mixer at the Raven. I had fun last night nd hope to have more tonight.

[JLT1]

Hi,

Email me rules on arbitration.

Hugs

Jen

[Rachel]

Hi Jen; I will find out the rules for arbitration and email then to you. It may take me a few days to find them. They mentioned ERISA in the letter. Thank you very much.

———————————————-

I am emotional right now. So if I write anything depressing I realize it will pass.

I went to Papillion today and had stitches removed. I need to go back next Monday. I have scar tissue forming in the same spot. They expect it to maximize at 4 to 6 weeks. It is how I heal. They gave me injected steroids into the scar tissue. I have to use specific scar strips on the posterior scar. Also 2.5 percent hydroquartizone cream twice a day.

I have labia and a pretty looking vagina. I really like how it looks. Dr. McGinn did a great job. I also have a butt lift because of how she got the skin. There are a lot of stitches inside my skin for my bottom and in my vagina.

My cliterous feels very sensative. This may be from the T cream or the reworked hood or both. It adds a dimention.

I dilated a few hours ago #1 and 4. There was a good bit of blood. I am dilating now but using all 4 dilators. Da, I should have done that before. I got emotional when the blood started and seeing I lost a dot.

My urethra location makes peeing so much better. It goes to the right place and with labia it breaks up the stream.

I got very emotional perhaps because of the pain from the orange dilator. Perhap the blood and perhaps the loss of depth.

Having correct genitals is so very important to me. Having nice looking genitals is something I am just now experiencing. Anything jeopardizing them hurts deeply.  For the first time in my life I have genitals that look good.

I injected e earlier so perhaps that may be adding some fuel to the fire.

Happy Monday,
Rachel

[HappyMoni]

Rachel,
   You are doing great with a lot of stuff going on.  Very happy for your result. She mentioned possibly  needing to do a urethral move for me as well if the scar tissue is still an issue. That would mean 3 surgeries again this summer, oh boy!
   I do have a question Rachel. When you make an appeal after an initial denial, is that done by you directly or through the doctor's office? I know pre authorization has to go through doctor. I need to appeal and am not sure what the procedure for doing it is.
    If it feels bad down there, go check your original surgery recovery pictures. I did that  today and can't believe it looked that bad. This is nothing compared  to that. Hang in  there. Hugs
Moni

[mm]

Rachel, great you can now see that you look like a cis woman as you want.  You are now peeing as they do.  Sorry that you l lost some depth, is it possible that dilating can help recover this depth?

[Rachel]

Hi Monica, appeals can be done either by the medical practioners or by you or by a layer for you. Start by reading the appeals process in your plan. JLT is very knowledgeable on the process.   

My original result compared to now is night to day. Removal of the scar tissue resulted in some depth loss. Kristal measured 5 inches so not  bad. I am very happy with the rework. Lots of things were going through my head last night.  The original pics were really bad but what the doc had to work with was not great. She basically made me down there.

MM, I do not know if I will regain depth. It took a lot of work to get the depth I had. Right now as I dilate with Orange it takes my breath away. You are right, I have a lot to be thankful for. I am keeping my fingers crossed. Being able to freely pee in itself is awesome.

[MaryXYX]

Hi Rachel, I've been following you for a long time.  It's been a long and hard journey but now you can see the results.  Thank you for the encouragement you are to others here.

Mary

[Rachel]

Hi Mary, thank you for the support and compliment.

———————————

I am a lot better today. I went to work. I needed to be around people and busy. One more day at home and I think my depression would have been worse.

I had a phone session with my therapist. She recommended I contact Papillion and ask them about acupuncture for scar reduction. It really helped to talk to her. I need to find social groups to interact with and find friends to do things with. I need to move on to then the phase of my life.

[Karen]

Rachel, thank you so much for sharing your journey and for being so open and transparent.  We are here for you, and are incredibly proud of and inspired by your courage.

Hugs

Karen

[Rachel]

Hi Karen, thank you for the compliment. It is I that is thankful for all the people here at Susan's.

[HappyMoni]

Hi Monica, appeals can be done either by the medical practioners or by you or by a layer for you. Start by reading the appeals process in your plan. JLT is very knowledgeable on the process.   

My original result compared to now is night to day. Removal of the scar tissue resulted in some depth loss. Kristal measured 5 inches so not  bad. I am very happy with the rework. Lots of things were going through my head last night.  The original pics were really bad but what the doc had to work with was not great. She basically made me down there.

MM, I do not know if I will regain depth. It took a lot of work to get the depth I had. Right now as I dilate with Orange it takes my breath away. You are right, I have a lot to be thankful for. I am keeping my fingers crossed. Being able to freely pee in itself is awesome.

Rachel,
   Having a brain fart, 'JLT' ?