MTF in need of help

[Rachel]

Hi Judi, Thanks for your support. I agree I am making progress and Will make plans for Friday night an Sunday to get out and have some fun.
-----------------------------

I just got back from Mazzoni, my primary care. The injection needles are 5/8th of an inch and they are having people inject into the stomach fat instead of leg IM. My doctor says it is just as effective and has less chance of complications.

My voice is improving a little every day. I have a little more vocal power today. There is hope.

Some thoughts on the first vocal operation:

Pros
My pitch went from 130 to 170 (after 6 months of healing)
I sounded marginally ok buy was not in the female range. I was in the transitional range.
Cons
Drinking and eating is a bit different. I can not put my head back and drink. Eating I needed to chew my food more.

[Rachel]

I went to my therapist today. I have 2 goals for next week:

1) make shore reservations at Rehoboth beach. I need to get over going to the beach and into the water. I want to go in July twice then Aug and Sept. I want to stay at a B&B.

2) Invite a trans friend and his wife over to dinner. They will want to make a date where his wife takes me out to some places in Philly and find a male friend. Talk about scary.

I have been really depressed lately. I am thinking of asking to go back on an SSRI. I really have very limited vocal ability and am worried I will not regain my voice again. I am really destroyed by people and how they treat someone that has a speaking impairment. From exclusion to making fun of my inability to speak well.

Someone heard me trying to speak to a friend as I left seeing my therapist. She started signing with me and I felt so bad. I could not communicate with her and I could not be heard with the background noise.

There was a guy at work and he was making fun of me Monday. I told him to shut the xxxx up. I lost it for a second and that is all it takes. I need to walk away and just silence the noise. What makes someone think it is funny to make fun of someone because they can not be heard when they try to speak.

I have a retreat tomorrow with all of leadership and all I can think is I really do not want to go. I want to hide. I feel like this is something too much to handle. I will go and do my best and feel different from the rest. Just another thing I am different about.

I had dinner last night with a woman that went to Dr. Spiegel and had a 1/3 tie glottoplasty. She said she had a 3 month healing process before she could talk without hoarseness and longer to gain vocal power. She said she can not be heard in a noisy environment. She is my age and the program she heads was just cancelled. She will be scrambling to be placed within her company. Something she said that really struck home, she has three strikes against her, Trans, woman, old. She passes and that is a good thing.

I am close to passing. If I get my voice back and it is reasonably good I will have a good shot of passing most of the time. Something for me to really work on as if something was to happen with my job I will need all the skills I have learned to survive.

Tomorrow is Friday and I think I will head to New Hope Saturday for some light shopping. I need to stay out of the piercing place. There is a leather coat I want to look at and an Irish shop and an English shop I want to stop in and a CBT oil shop and there is a shop that has some really beautiful jewelry.

[HappyMoni]

Rachel,
   Don't panic Girl! You have been through a lot worse. We all have times when we feel a little lost. It will get better. Hugs! Maybe I'll see you at the beach.
Moni

[Laurie]

 Hi Rachel,

  You are still healing girl give that voice time to recover. Now going to the beach... is this a general problem with the beach or a trans exposure thing? I can see the problems with beaches over there especially if the are the crowded ones you see in the pictures. PEOPLE!! ugh!  Give me quiet seclusion at the beach or anywhere. But that is me and pre Laurie at that. I can see the issue of being in a bathing suite on a crowded beach, but I am sure your therapist has your best interest in mind when she asks you to do that and the date thing. I say go for it.

Hugs,
  Laurie

[Kendra]

Rachel first of all here's a big hug.

Your Glottoplasty was exactly one month ago today.  I wasn't allowed to use my voice at all for the first month and was asked to take it easy the second month - and the surgeon I went to said my voice would be quite rough until month four.  It is upsetting to know someone at the office made fun of you because your voice isn't strong.  I don't blame you for snapping back at them, any reasonable HR department would take your side.  What your co-worker did was intentional harassment in the workplace.

While your voice is recovering you might want to carry a business-card size paper with large lettering saying "I'm recovering from voice surgery" in case you run into certain situations.  Even knowing that's in your purse might help. 

I hope you can go to the leadership retreat tomorrow.  Although I've never understood why those are called a retreat... that term sounds like defeat, they should be called a leadership advance.  VFS recovery adds to the challenges of social situations, but some of the meetings will be in a quiet room with people paying attention as they sip overpriced coffee.  Several people in your company's leadership team have been on your side and now is a good time to continue building connections.  I am confident you will do well. 

[Rachel]

Hi Monica, thank you. I need to get over the fear of being in a bathing suit on the beach. Rehoboth is LGBT friendly. I will stay at a B&B and go to poodle beach.

Hi Laurie, I grew up and was always at crowded beaches. I always wore an undershirt on the beach and when I transitioning I wore a rash guard. Now I have boob and I need to wear a one piece.

Hi Kendra, I was reading on here that girls were able to speak pretty well after the 1 month no talking. After speaking with my friend Wednesday about her recovery and your comments I feel better. Thank you, it really helped. The healing is slow. I was hoping I would be one of the lucky ones. So now my eye is on healing and having HZ in the 220 to 250 range.

I went to the retreat and it was awesome. I love where I work. I did not speak because I could not be heard but that was ok. I am so lucky to work there. I really love what I do.

[JudiBlueEyes]

Hi Rachel!   You'll be fine in the bathing suit.  I remember my first time.  I was concerned but mostly I was just so happy to be dressed the way I felt right.  So don't be self conscious, enjoy the moment.

I'm happy to hear you went to the retreat and enjoyed yourself. 

This is the time you've looked forward to and worked so hard to achieve.  Take care of yourself, be yourself, and enjoy every sip of life.
Judi 

[HappyMoni]

   Rachel, you have helped me out so much, maybe this will help you out. Get a nice, cute bathing cover and a blanket. Set yourself up on the beach, to the side if you like. If the cover is two piece, take off the bottom part. Now  you have two options. Set down on the blanket and chill for a while, get your bearings. Then when you feel more comfortable, take off the top cover and there you are. Option two, the one I chose, is to rip everything off and run for the water and celebrate  like a crazy woman, all the time thinking, "Oh to hell with it, here goes." Just remember, when you head for the ladies room, check for toilet  paper before you strip down to poop. My first visit, I made that mistake. I had to beg a lady to let me go ahead of her so I could  wipe my butt. There can be a run on TP is those bathrooms.
   Rachel, I head to Dr. Cooley on Wed. for transplants Thursday. Is it rough sitting in that chair all day? Are you in a recline position or sitting up straight? I have lower back issues that make it hard to sit upright for long periods of time?
Should I anticipate a torturous day?

Love you!
Monica
I  am trying to get to Ocean City in August some time (with new boobs). Not ready for my two piece yet, but if I drop a few pounds, who knows? lol

[Rachel]

Hi Monica, you look great in your bathing suit. I will get there. I need to lose a few pounds so my oblique's are flat.

I think I will make the shore reservation tonight or tomorrow.

Dr. Cooley, they give you some medication that helps a lot. Then they take you to the procedure room. You lay on your stomach on a 45 degree angle. They inject you with a local in the scalp in several locations. Then needle is not bad. Then they remove the strip of hair and suture you up. Next, they make lots of grafts ( I think they had 8 people making the grafts) and start implanting the grafts (2 people, Dr. Cooley and his PAc). You pick out 4 movies and you do not really watch the movies you kind of stair at the movies. Wow, it is lunch time already. Then more grafts and movie watching.

End of day I took the ride back to the hotel with the hotel shuttle. I went to the Mexican place on the corner, good food. When you sleep ( for 2 hours at a time) make sure you cover the pillow case with the pillow protector.

I took the pain meds sparingly at first at the airport last time but then I took8 or so of each pill and slept on the flight home.

The airport bathrooms (went to the bathroom 3 or 4 times in the 9 hour wait for the flight) are clean and the attendants are very nice and was properly gendered. I did not have a problem.

Anyhow, the experience was awesome, both times. The staff are great and it is almost 100% pain free. Just the local needles had a slight pinch. I am still a bit numb on top from the FFS so I really did not feel anything there at all. My biggest issue is awaking every 2 to 3 hours and spraying the ATP on the grafts. I was so glad when that was over.

I may go back for a third time but that will be in the fall or spring if I do. I need a rest to recover now. I have a lot of hair growing at my crown. If I go back I will have some hair placed in the center top and eyebrows. I am really good with an eyebrow pencil ( I get compliments) so I am in no rush. I want to find out if they can take the strips (two small strips from the sides instead of the back.).

They implant more grafts than you pay for which is cool. 3000 and 2500 grafts became 3500 and 3000 grafts.


The first time I went I was starting out and did not pass. I got misgendered  a lot. The second time I did not get misgendered at all. Now I would not get misgendered.

[MaryXYX]

"The first time I went I was starting out and did not pass. I got misgendered a lot. The second time I did not get misgendered at all. Now I would not get misgendered."

That is really good progress.  It does take time but you have just about got there.

[Rachel]

Hi Mary,

I do not know what exactly did it or the time frame but all the sudden one day it just happened. I really think hair and boobs did the trick. I was getting misgendered after FFS but not after boobs and hair. Also, at some point I became really comfortable in my skin.

Presently I am recovering from a glottoplasty. I am getting better every day. I did not think so but yesterday I listened to my daily recordings and I can hear a difference in vocal power and clarity. I still sound hoarse but it is improving.

[HappyMoni]

Rachel,
   Thank you for that awesome description. I am not really worried about the pain to my head. I am worried about the positioning I take during the longest part of the procedure, the implantation. I worry about my back. Do I sit straight up or am I able to recline somewhat? Can I change position without too much trouble? Oh, was there much conversation with the staff and you?
   I'm really glad you are feeling better about the voice. Everything we do just takes so much patience!
Hugs,
Moni

Oh, can you remind me how  long before you started to see any growth after the hair falls out? Thanks!

[Rachel]

Hi Monica, you are reclined about 45 degrees. If you need to move I would let them know ahead of time. The chair is quite comfortable.

There is no conversation between you and the docs. The docs talk a lot between themselves.

The hair in the graft fell out. It took about 2 or 3 months for the hair to fall out and another 2 months for the hairs to pop out.

[Rachel]

I went to the doctors for my trans care last week. I looked up my blood test results. My T is not detectable. I take T every other day, just a dab. So I need more than just a dab. My libido is very low and that is why.

Lets say a transman takes 100 of some fictitious units per day topical. I would take every other day about 5 of those units or 2.5 per day average. So it is a very small amount. Conversely if the transman dose gave him 300 ng/dl then I should have 7.5 ng/dl (target is 30). So I need to review this with my doctor going forward. The result are too low.

I saw Dr. Sataloff today. My right vocal fold is still red and healing. It does not vibrate like the left vocal fold unless there is higher air pressure. He said I am exactly where I should be. He said when the swelling goes down both vocal folds will vibrate fine and when the fold heals I will become less hoarse. My pitch goes from 320 to 450 HZ (I can not go below 320 HZ). He said that will lower in some time. The point where the two vocal folds meet is perfect. It is as crisp as a knife edge when the vocal folds come together. There is not a scar budge where the folds meet. He will have me do twice a week speech pathology and I see him in September.

I feel so much better. I was really worried.

I called Aetna requesting how I go about mediation. They referenced me to an advocate. I sent them my documents and questions to answer. My goal now is either mediation of a civil case. My employer may retaliate against me and I am not looking forward to a confrontation but I feel I must stay the course. I guess the argument is why are facial procedures that are medically necessary for cis people be covered but facial procedures for trans be expressly excluded. I feel this is discriminatory and I am must pursue this.

[Rachel]

This Friday night and Saturday night there was a meetup with about 40 transwoman. I got home Friday and was tired. It was cold and raining. So I figured I would skip Friday and just go Saturday night. Saturday my daughter need some help with her new bike so I skipped going.

Sunday I was invited to go to join some friends from group in Philly to go to the movies. I did and it was fun. I drove to New Hope on the way home and had lunch. I walked around and into some shops. It was something to do but lonely.

This week my daughter and Ex are going to the shore and I will have the cats to take care of. I wish I was with them.

I looked into a B&B in Rehoboth DE and may pick one or a hotel on the North end. I think I will feel the same I did in New Hope. I think I will feel lonely. I guess it will be something to do that is different and I do enjoy be beach.

I have to wait 14 days between injections now. I am in the 4 addition day window now so I will see how it goes.

I was doing a lot of surgeries to be the best aligned I can be. I need to get past the glottoplasty and do the twice a week voice therapist work and I think that will be it for a while.

I am squarely in the be in as many places I can be to meet people mode now. Meeting people is really difficult and going to new places is difficult but I need to get out of my comfort zone and be comfortable with myself.

Anyhow I need to book something for the shore.

[Rachel]

I texted my pcp the request for a topical perception pain relief cream for electrolysis. He replied why don't the people doing the electrolysis provide the script? Reply, because they are not doctors. CVS texted that  script was called in but not covered by insurance. I asked the price which is $51 and I said ok. I was provide details after Thursday when I have my next electrolysis appointment.

I have my first voice pathology session tomorrow. I will be going twice a week. Before glottoplasty and before the subluxation I had a vocal range from 135 hz to 150 normally. I pushed it to 160 to 170. Post subluxation preglottoplasty I was 160 to 185. Now I am 340 to 470 or higher if I try. I can go very high. My one vocal fold does not vibrate without highish pressure. This was stated to be from swelling.

I was texting a friend I can discuss things openly with. He is ftm and super nice. He is the only person I can share how things are to a point. Anyhow, he recommend I switch therapist. I have two Aetna therapists that call me weekly and I can not talk to them about certain things. I can not talk to my gender therapist about certain things. I do not understand why I see these therapist if I can not share how I feel and my thoughts on certain subjects.

The Aetna one therapist last session asked about my last time I acted
Out a suicide attempt. I told her. She asked for details. It was about 2.5 years ago and I had a loaded pistol in my mouth with finger on the trigger. I was neeling next to my bed. This was when the agreed upon procedures and limited expressing at home was agreed upon and later a zero tolerance was adopted. I am 1000 times better now. I was asked the next week if I have access to a gun? She then said people here want to know if you have access to a gun. So get real, how do you answer that. 302 voluntarily or 302 involuntary. So I lied and feel like I need to
cancel the 20 more scheduled sessions. I do not trust them.


I need to be guarded with my gender therapist but not as much. But I can not share my struggle, my thoughts and how I cope about this subject. Where do I get help for this? I am not suicidal and I have been in much worse a spot. I do have periods of thoughts of self harm but have not acted on them.

Work is my only feeling of value and belonging. That is a sanitized period of time in my day. I have no real friends there. They are Work friends and of consequence. Just like group are friends of circumstances. I have not been to group in two months and have no desire to return. There is a  license therapist there and I have witnessed people 302ed from group for expressing how they feel and what they want to to to stop the pain. It is good to express how you are feeling. The good and bad. The action thing is the point to work on and redirect.

I feel lost and of little value. So I ask myself why. What is the point. I feel guilty for saying this when so many struggle for food and shelter. I lived for others and they are gone so what next? What is my future?


I am at fault. I need to do what my gender therapist recommend and I have not done. I need to book a hotel down the shore that is lgbt friendly or a b&b that is lgbt friendly and get out there. I need to join the friends of the art musium, zoo and Franklin institute. I need to go to philly events every weekend this summer.  Ok, tomorrow I book the beach.


I am not suicidal, just venting. No need to respond or think
anything from this. I just need to write down my feelings.

[Northern Star Girl]

@Rachel
Dear Rachel:
Thank you for posting your update to your thread.  Interesting about your electrolysis pain... $51 is a cheap price to pay for relief.... particularly if the pain level is high and also if you can afford it.... then you should do it.

Very good news regarding your voice sessions... gee, I always thought that anything over 275Hz is considered a good female voice pitch.   Wow, getting to 340 to 470 is quite an accomplishment.   Keep working on it and report your progress here.  Oh, how high does your therapist suggest as your final goal??  I do know that if one pushes it too high for their unique set of vocal cords that it can start to sound strange and fake.

Oh no, oh no!!!  no suicide talk or anything like that.... your life (like all lives) is precious!   Please continue to stay with us....  but you are correct about changing to a different therapist... total mutual trust is important in that situation.  When you do meet with a trusted Therapist, yes, you really should try or do what they suggest... that is the entire reason for getting therapy... right???

Venting here on the forums is good for you and then your followers can then know how to give the supportive words and positive thoughts that they desire to give you and need to give you....    Also as you may have read in many of my posts of various threads, I keep a personal pen and paper journal (complete with doodling) for my most very personal stuff that I toss around in my mind.  If you are not keeping a personal journal I am thinking that would be very helpful to you, plus the doodling is fun to look at years later

Please continue to keep your thread updated....  your followers are curious and want to know !!!!!
Hugs and well wishes ...
We all love you, please stick around.
Danielle

[Rachel]

Hi Danielle, thank you for your support. I read your threads and find them enjoyable. Thank you for your posts. Where you live is very beautiful. I would love to hike on those mountain trails. I enjoy your suitor thread and find it very entertaining. I know it is serious at times but overall is a very good and happy read.

I have my gender therapist which I trust but there is a line I can not share across. She must report if she thinks there is immediate threat to life. Unless you lived a life with depression and suicidal ideation you can not know the layers. Not being able to share the feelings does not make the feelings go away. Lack of sleep and having no way out of a situation can cause me to spiral, obsess and have intense mental pain. It is the impulse to stop the pain that becomes uncontrollable.  It is scary. I know the signs. I know the way out now; I have learned tools.  Planning suicide, and going to the "edge" is another issue. That is a choice (for me). A way to stop the pain but not an impulse, more like a slow motion movement. Being on the edge resets something and in an hour the feeling goes away. Without the feeling there is a repulsion to be on the edge. I have not attempted for 2.5 years.

For electrolysis I use Super Numb. I wanted prescription numbing cream to have a better numbing result. The doc sent in a script but it is not in CVS's formulary. They are contacting him to recommend a topical in their formulary. Another option is to go to Papillion for numbing and electrolysis. I know two woman that go there and told me it is just as bad with the epidural needle as the scrotal numbing for GCS hair removal.

Aetna on the other hand, those two therapist make me feel bad, remembering past pain and describing the events. Then planning goals. They scheduled a session Friday night at 9:30 pm. I was too chicken to say no. I go to bed early and get up early on Saturday. I hike early and this Aetna program is not what I want. I am too chicken to stop the sessions. I need to just say it to them Friday night.

Voice, I had a subluxation and my base went from 135 to 170 HZ. There was male overtones. After an aggressive glottoplasty My HZ are high, too high. The doctor said the pitch will lower. I had my first speech therapy session post op. I have home work and I think I understand what to practice. I had one of Dr. Sataloff's residents in the voice therapy session. My voice is too high and strained. I need to relax, use more air, keep my throat open and relax and not force air. I need to use my diaphragm and use more air to talk.  My voice is healing still. I was given the OK by the doctor to exercise my vocal folds.

Journal, this is my journal, LOL. I keep it a bit sanitized as I do not want to trigger some people and some things I can not elaborate on because it is not appropriate and some of the people here are from different cultures and would not be able to relate.

I have looked back on the thread and there is some pretty big change in my life

I did not mention anything trans in this post ( ok, glottoplasty is a trans item but it is about recovery from a surgery). The reason is my coping had to do with my issues of insecurity, body image ( and voice) and dealing with low self esteem. Everything else manifest from that. I know why I have low self esteem and self value. I guess that is half the battle and then changing the thought behavior is the other half.

Hey, if you like hiking and the dental hygienist likes hiking then that is something you share other than other attractions. When the other attractions wane what you share in common is the thread that hold the bond. Just saying.   

[Rachel]

Today I went to Papillion for a vaginal checkup. Everything is 100% with one small exception. The small location where there is a skin flap the healed but has a healed tunnel through it. The PA-c treated it with silver nitrate again. She wants me to See Dr. McGinn in September so she can look at it. I said you mean cut it and she said you know Dr. McGinn. We smiled. It is not an issue but I do not want anything in the future to have an issue with. The PAc said I could stop using the hydroquarterzone cream if I wanted to but I can continue if I wanted to.

I schedule a 4 hour thermolysis session Monday August 6th. I will have the epidural needle for numbing. I asked Debbie (she did my genital clearing) if it was as painful as the genital clearing needle and she said yes. I think I will schedule September and October electrolysis Monday as well as the appointment with Dr. McGinn in in September. If I go to Papillion Monthly and do a 4 hour full face clearing and do 2 hours a week then I think I can really make headway.

I think my recent depression was about my ex and daughter going down the shore. I use to love going in the ocean with my daughter, riding bikes, walking on the beach and at night with her. I also enjoyed shopping and eating out with my Ex and daughter. I miss that so much.

I also think my depression was related to my voice recovery. I have not recovered how I expected. My one vocal fold is not vibrating the way it should and I sound hoarse and my pitch is 100 HZ to high. I have speech pathology through the summer and see the doctor in September. He said it will take a few months to recover and that my one side (right) is still a little swollen. So the issue now is:
High pitch 340 HZ base,
Right fold not vibrating and some swelling behind the vocal fold,
A hoarse sound from the vocal fold not moving and air passing.

My speech Pathologist Jesse has me doing exercises. I was clinching the back of my through to squeeze a sound out. I now open the back of my through and use more air. I also use the diaphragm as an air bag to move the air. After the operation my vocal power was extremely low. I have regained some power now and can be heard.

[Rachel]

I went to the Raven in New Hope tonight. It is a gay bar, pool, restaurant and cabaret. I was at the bar, drinking diet coke. I was there for about 1.5 hours. I left as there was no one that seamed the least bit interested in me. There were a lot of guys with guys and a few male/ female couples. Anyhow I had no interest spending more time there.

Tomorrow I will be in Philly at Delaware Ave watching a movie. Afterwards I will go the Gayborhood for an early dinner/late lunch. The gayborhood is 1/2 heterio now. It is the "cool" place to hang out.

So the two Aetna therapist have me thinking 30 minutes a day for the next week about things I am that are positives. I have to report back next week. Also I needed to do a social interaction (Raven tonight). I will also try the gayborhood tomorrow. I need to get out of my comfort zone. Group did not push me out of my comfort zone and I have grown beyond group as a support but not as a social experience.

So I guess the Aetna therapist are good as they are challenging me to do different things. Things I need to do. I did cry a bit when I got home as I felt unlovable and an outcast. I realize there are different places in New Hope and going to a mostly gay bar is not the place for me. I will try another place in New Hope next week.

I got the prescription numbing cream today. I will give it a try Tuesday. Twice a week electrolysis for an hour and I will start a Monthly 4 hour session with a local. When I am done my face I will have Papillion work on my crotch area. I do not have much hair but I want it gone. I like it smooth down there.

So twice a week I will go to some new places to increase my socialization. I may find somewhere that is good and that would be awesome. I will try tavern on Camac tomorrow for lunch. Who knows It may turn out to be good.

I need to find a gym to go to. I enjoy going to the gym and need to find a gym that is accepting. My old gym closed down