MTF in need of help

[Rachel]

@happymoni , you had your procedure 2 years ago. I believe this is going to be offered to other patients soon. I believe they want to see how the procedure works out. I think it will work out unless the stitches rupture. Then the fat will spread out, this is as per the doctor. She also said that if it were not for the stitches the fat would migrate.

Monica, you may want to see how the procedure turns out in a month.  If you want to see a pic 3 days post op I will send them to you. Just send me your e-mail. Please keep in mind that this is my third GCS procedure in the OR and two outside the OR. Please keep in mind there is swelling and not a typical result. I would love a typical result. I do have awesome sensations and I am very thankful to be at this point.


I would love to meet up for the beach.
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@laurie , thank you. I took some pics and it is very raw down there. I hope it works out too. It is very painful and I suspect a good amount of the fat will be absorbed. I am hoping to retain 1/2 the fat.

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On the vocal fold video link in the previous post, You can see how the web and the vocal folds changed. The web is much more pliable now and that is allowing the vocal folds to have more movement. I will see if I can find a vocal fold video from early on and link both for comparison.

I think the issue of the stiff web and vocal fold not moving is due to a very high percentage of web. The knot is below the juncture of the folds. Also, the sutures used are long lasting and I think they have or are breaking down allowing for more web pliability. You can see how the web is now moving and the whole area in becoming flexible.

I am using a method to stretch the vocal folds and web several times a day.I believe this is helping heaps.

[Maddie]

Best healing and results to you Rachel.

You were kind enough to reply to a post of mine in the past.
Reading what you are going thru today has got me reading the story here, going back years, to early this thread.

It is moving my heart.
I want it to. 

I fear that I do not contain the same strength of will as you, and others who follow through on transitioning.
You are amazing, and so are those who walk the path, before and after you.

[Rachel]

Hello Maddie, thank you for the support.

I had no idea or plan in mind. I did know I had to get help or there was going to be a bad outcome. Even with a lot of help I had some very bad times. I was in a lot of turmoil. Would I pass, would I get fired, would I be divorced, would my family reject me?  Could I stand being a transwoman and discriminated against. Would I every learn to love myself with all the programming I had?

I really love being me. At some point I realized as each layer of the onion was pealed off I felt scared but then when the fear dissipated I felt a little better.

I was in Boston just before my FFS with Dr. Spiegel. There was a skate park near the extended stay Marriott hotel. I was of coarse dressed as me. One of the skaters gave me a thumbs up and a smile. He said something affirming too. I think back on this from time to time. That little bit of encouragement and approval was huge at that point in time. It really made a difference. I was so scared and that one person helped me.

Later in that walk the path took me to a large bridge.  I path was under a bridge. There I saw a bunch of used needles. I assumed it was from heroin use. I thought I am in a better place than them. On the way back from my walk there was a memorial wall for Paul Revere. I read the memorial and thought he had such bravery and if caught he would pay with his life. What I was doing pales in comparison. Maybe I was just grasping at anything to affirm what I was about to do. However, it helped to put things into perspective. I was doing the right thing for me.

Maddie, you are not alone and there are people out there that really are genuinely nice and do care. Transition helped me to gravitate to the nice people and away from the jerks. It also helped to make me a much stronger and happier person.

Best,
Rachel

[Maddie]

hugs
Love
Keep on healing, Rachel.
Some of the most intelligent deep people are dealing with gender issues.
Like you.

[Rachel]

@Maddie, thank you for your kind words. I know now what was impossible was really possible.  My ex stopped by this afternoon to use the large washer. Her washer is too small to do her quilt. We discussed some things and made plans to go to lunch next weekend. We get along very well, much better than when married.

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This pic is from May 22, 2018. I had my glottoplasty one week prior on the 14th of may, 2018.  The web and reduction in the vocal fold was large. My pitch was at around 270 to 280 HZ.
https://imgur.com/uxXWyIH

This video was taken September 12, 2018. This is 9 months post op and my one vocal fold was not moving and the vocal folds were not touching. This resulted in a hoarse sounding voice in low volume. My HZ was 220 on average most days. Humidity and hydration influence HZ.
]https://i.imgur.com/mzXLLtU.mp4]

This video is from March 27, 2019, 10.5 months post op. My volume has improved and the hoarseness has been reduced. Both vocal folds are moving and there is visible changes in both vocal fold  appearances. The large web is more pliable. The vocal folds still do not touch in the back and they are a bit out of synchronization. I believe the vocal folds will synchronize and touch in the back. More time is needed.
https://i.imgur.com/Gvaouz1.mp4

I think one thing is obvious to me and that is I did not know the recovery would take so long. Second is that being close to where the surgeon resides has allowed me to have many vocal fold check-ups. If I had the glottoplasty far away I would not have that opportunity.

I do believe my voice will improve as it has over the 10.5 months. I do not get gendered male in person or on the phone. Clearness of sound and volume in noisy places still need to improve.  I am feeling better about my voice as it improves. I had no idea how difficult it is to communicate with no or almost no voice and how people judge your intelligence and ability by you voice.

I tape my voice 5 or 6 times a week at the same times saying the same things so I have a comparison to hear my progress. There is progress.   I hope this help others in making a decision to or not to have a glottoplasty.

[Rachel]

I lost some glottoplasty pic links when I cleaned up IMGUR. I will repost them here.

This is a week post op from a glottoplasty



This is may 22, 2018 a little over 5 months post op.



Sept 12, 2018 about 9.5 months post op.



These pics and the two recordings should give a person a good idea what an aggressive glottoplasty does and the extended healing time. I am still healing and my vocal folds are improving. May 14, 2019 will be the 1 year mark. I expect to have improvement over the next 6 weeks and beyond.

My doctor is local and he has stayed the coarse and continues to monitor the progress and has two things he can do to assist in the web softening and vocal fold touching. They need to be done in an OR and that will be an option. I have no desire to have another OR trip.
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I need to get this out.

My parents were wrong, I definitely did not grow out of being a girl and it was not a phase. With all the books I read on the subject, group sessions, therapy and suffering. I can 100% say I am a female and transition was 100% necessary. To my brother in law that tried to talk me out of transition citing Rush Limbaugh and still dead names me, yes it hurts. I will never tell him that but it hurts.

[Maddie]

I've had a couple of procedures on my vocal cords, plenty of nose scopes, and weeks without speaking

Compared to my scopes, at least yours appear healthy   .... (I'm not a medical professional!!!)

I was lucky to have a "rock-star" talented ENT for mine. My procedures were for a different reason, and my recovery was textbook, thank god.

I'm not seeing your recordings, Rachel.  Are they on the same post as the pics? I wouldn't mind listening to them

[Rachel]

Hi Maddie,

The previous post had links to videos. There is no voice recording. You may hear a tone which is me trying to say E with a tube down my throat. I had a video of a scope down my nose I think. I only had tose done 3 times.

Between the two videos the difference is the web movement and vocal fold movement and touching or lack there of. I have a video pre glottoplasty in which the two vocal folds are vibrating the entire length and in unison. Another change between the two videos is the color of the vocal fold edges. 

Overall the 9.5 month video shows there is continued improvement as time passes.

Rachel

[Laurie]

Hi Rachel,
   I am glad to read your voice has improved and continuing to improve. What I really wanted to tell you is that you my girl are getting cuter and cuter. I love the new avatar!.

Hugs,
  Laurie

[D'Amalie]

Laurie,  I love your hair!  You look very classy!  The dress and the jewelry!  Nicely put together you are.

Rachel,  You are so cute!

-Richelle

[JudiBlueEyes]

Rachel your new avatar photo is beautiful.  Wow!  The Blue looks good on you too!

Judi

[Rachel]

Thank you Laurie, Damalie and Judi for you compliments. It really was not expected and I am blushing. Lauri, your avatar looks awesome.
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I am crazy, I took 2 weeks off but went back to work Tuesday, surgery +6 days. Today really kicked my butt. I tried to take it easy but it is demanding. So I am very tired tonight.

On a plus side my vagina is looking very nice. The swelling is going down and the pain. My thighs were really scraped for fat and the black and blue is turning red. I think that is a good sign. I think I will just wear one pair of pressure pants to bed tonight. My thighs hurt.

I had a rough road with my vagina and three operations. I never expected or hoped to have a nice vagina. I am very lucky.

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Diet change.
I have been doing time restricted feeding 18/6 for years now and I added in Kito. I feel very good on keto and my visceral fat is going away quickly. I think in 6 weeks I will be at my goal weight and body fat and fat locations.

It is a strict diet and I do not cheat.

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Dating
Something I have been thinking about for a while, dating. I have come to the conclusion dating will be difficult. The probability of a relationship is low. So, I downloaded two dating apps and will download several more. At worse I will break my fear of making social connections and being open to finding someone.

Any suggestions on dating would be very welcome.


Rachel

[HappyMoni]

Rach,
   Your avatar picture reminds me of a girl I had a crush on years ago. Looking great you cutie you.
Moni

[JudiBlueEyes]

Rachel I unfortunately don't have any advice on dating.  But seeing how we do base our first impressions on looks you should have no issues what so ever!   Then there is your personality and life experience.  Wow, an engineer, loves to hike, even has a cool car!   You go girl!!
Judi

[Laurie]

 Thank you Damalie and Rachel. the top is my favorite I think and it does help me look better.

[Rachel]

Thank you Monica and Judi, that means so much I can not tell you. Laurie, your smile really makes the picture.

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OK, Now for something completely different.

So I have been going to Mazzoni for 6 years for my HRT. They do not measure E. I decided to switch my HRT doctor to Papillion. Papillion measures E and T and other parameters. So My E is 704 T 100. I explained my HRT and that the blood draw was on the 13th of 14th day after injection and that my E had to have been 1400 ng/dl day 1 post injection.

Transition for E is between 200 to 500 ng/dl. High levels of E can cause issues. I will be cutting my T in half immediately and halving my injection dose in 2 Sundays. They will prescribe a T&E topical cream and when I am on it for 3 months have my blood retested.

I will try to keep my E at 300 on a cream but in reality 200 ng/dl should be ok. Time will tell.

Point being I never would have known the risk if I did not switch providers and to one the measures E.

Rachel

[JudiBlueEyes]

Good for you.  That E number seems very high.  And the T at that level isn't doing your estrogen number any favor.  My doctor want to see levels at each visit. 

[Rachel]

Hi Judi, I agree, I am back to just a dab of T in the morning. Sunday I will inject. I was injecting 1 cc ( as per my doctor at Mazzoni) and I will inject 0.5 cc ( I discussed this with the new provider). I will wait to see my PAc at Papillion to see what they prescribe in May.

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So it has been 14 days since the operation to close off the bottom of my vagina, reposition my urethra, deepen my vagina and add fat to the labia majora.

There was a stitch line about 3 inches from the mid line of the vagina from one side of the citreous down and around the skin separating the vagina from the anus to the other side of the citreous. The skin was injected with fat harvested from both of my thighs.

The stitch line hurt, the fat harvesting was difficult and hurt and the fat injection sight hurt. Presently the remaining stitches are irritating.

The urethra is well inside a slit. My citreous is now protested by two minora. Swelling has gone down to 1/2 of post op. My vagina is not perfect but is very nice and I am very thankful.

I think it is a good ending to a long series of chapters in my transition. I wish I could shaw a few pics of my vagina post op from the three operations and 2 procedures and now.
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So I am on two lesser known dating apps. I have not had much luck. I was thinking about going on some more better known sights when cleared by Dr. McGinn for activity. I expect that will be in three weeks.

Summer is coming.
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Voice
My pitch was high today at 250 hz this morning. Why I do not know. I am getting clearer when I speak. I will need to post a voice recording. While at it pre and post hair transplant pics too.
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I think my transition is ending. I get gendered appropriately and I no longer feel the least bit out of place. It is a wonderful experience I cherish every day, no dysphoria and being myself.

[JudiBlueEyes]

I think my transition is ending. I get gendered appropriately and I no longer feel the least bit out of place. It is a wonderful experience I cherish every day, no dysphoria and being myself.

This is good news to read Rachel.  Looking at your photo there is no need to fret.  You are beautiful! 

[Linde]

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So I am on two lesser known dating apps. I have not had much luck. I was thinking about going on some more better known sights when cleared by Dr. McGinn for activity. I expect that will be in three weeks.

Summer is coming.
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Have you tried POF?  They say they are the largest one of the serious dating sites!