MTF in need of help

[Joanna Dark]

1) I went to the Buffalo Exchange high end thrift on 1713 Chestnut Street, felt at ease yet in a shirt and tie did not fit in. I stayed and tried to penetrate the imaginary force field to the woman's section. I will return next week and try again.

Did you penetrate the force field yet? I know it's hard at first but really i shop there a lot and people are more focused on finding that perfect top or hot pair of jeans then anything else. It's more competitve then anything else because generally there will be at least one other girl shopping one of the racks and if she reaches something cute first, she'll get it. Everyone shops really fast there. But I found the cutest pair of size 8 red ballet flats a couple weeks ago. It cost me 8 bucks. I wish they had them in 8.5.

They have such a great selection. Just go in and do it no one is going to care.

[Rachel]

Thanks all for the replies, Hugs

Found my Engineering Diploma. I had a tears in my eye when I looked at the diploma. I will hang it at work (a copy). Funny, my high school diploma (and college too) was in the original envelope. When I went to opened my high school diploma if was already opened and when I pulled it out it is my brothers.  Good enough. I will never see my brother again and he definitely will not have my diploma.


Cynthialee, I have a long way to go but as my therapist said I am lopsided. Work is going well but I have to face the music at home and make some clear, reasonable progressive progress. Underwear, cloths, makeup and voice all in moderate steps and come out to my daughter.

Mary, you are spot on. I punished myself throughout my life. I turned all good stimulus into negatives. I knew what I was doing and I stopped that behavior.

Joanna, I am going to the Buffalo Exchange Monday or Wednesday after work ( I promise myself I will do this). I will be dressed in male work cloths, tie, dress shirt and slacks. I will walk the isles and you gave me a great idea. I will buy a pair of jeans. I have a goal; it is to walk the isles and buy a pair of jeans. The store has a lot of great cloths and it is very mixed with who is there. It is close to the Gayborhood and some of the people there are edgy and I need to relax and just shop. The force field is real to me yet it is just in my mind, I will repetitively think of that. If someone spontaneously combusts in the store you will know it was me.

[Rachel]

I went to the Therapist today and we discussed:

1) I hung my diploma, PA Engineers License and PA Engineers certificate you receive when you pass the exam (like a college diploma) in my office. I am very proud. I told all that it was the 1st time I looked at my diploma. All but my wife asked why. I answered I was not satisfied. I told the therapist the truth. I was not proud of myself. I am experiencing pride in my achievements now.

2) She did not forward me coming out at work information because she wants me to slow down and she is right. She will send the training proposal and coming out to children information.

3) I want to come out to our daughter.

4) I went to the Buffalo Exchange and ended up buying a male surf board shirt. I said there is a grand canyon between the male and female section. She asked when I wore woman's clothing as an adult. I told her I wore pantie hoes and spandex exercise shorts in very short and Capri. I have several of each.   I told her I had thrown all my fitted designer jeans away 1 year ago (had them at my Mom's house) as well as shirts. She asked why and I said I did not ever want to wear them again and now I do. She asked if I wore my wife's cloths and I said no, they were too big and I do not like those type of cloths. I want to wear underwear (including shear bra) and fitted jeans and fitted shirts. Also, that I want to lose 30 lbs and regain my hour glass figure. She asked do you realize you are whispering? I said no, not until you just told me. Also, I was very hesitant and I could not look at her. I felt nervous and now I feel deflate.

5) She said I need to practice discussing the clothing issue with my wife and tell her I do not want to hide wearing woman's cloths or do it behind her back. My wife had given me an ultimatum her or cloths a few months ago.

6) I have a stunted self identity and I need to grow my identity in a positive way, so I was told and I agree.

7) I not only do not want to commit suicide anymore nor do I think of it every day (I beat the odds)and something new, I want to live and grow my self identity.  To what I do not know, just as long as I can be honest and caring. I fear being genuine and mocked or rejected.

[cynthialee]

 

[Rachel]

I went to the Therapist today and we discussed:

1) Ordered a dozen pair of panties and some female fitted undershirts, slight compression. The clock is ticking the clothing discussion.

2) What I will say when I come out to our daughter. Which is, I love you and your Mother and I want to discuss something with you. You are 16 and old enough to understand what I am about to say to you. I am transgender.  (comments welcome)

3) Discussed when My Dad and Mom died and going to work the next day and not sharing the info and asking my supervisor to keep it confidential. Not being able to share feelings with my girlfriend and wife (girlfriend became wife and parents died 20 years apart) or anyone else but my sister. I use to sleep with my sister until age 11, to some extent it was for safety and definitely companionship.

4) Discussed internal self image and dismantling the firewall. I do not stand up for myself and I fold when my Wife cries. There are many other examples. Alison said being trans* requires a strong self image and I need to develop my image.

Biggie
5) I decided to file for therapy reimbursement through insurance. Alison stated over the past 9 months on occasion she does not issue a diagnosis of GID but another diagnosis which basically means working things out. Today she said she did not issue the GID diagnosis and went over the reasons pro and con. I told her I did not want to lie or hide, her previous GID statements bothered me although I could not bring myself to state such in the past; she asked what diagnosis I wanted and she would comply with my wishes. I just sent her in writing I want the claim to be for GID. I feel at ease with the decision and perhaps a bit affirmed, I do not know how else to describe it.

I feel ashamed and embarrassed of myself for not stating I feel or I am or I anything and holding my ground. I avoid, hide and collapse as a means of existence. I am weak when it comes to my identity. I will take positive progressive actions to grow my identity. 

[cynthialee]

A good tool in coming out is to write a letter that covers everything as well as you can and then hand the person the letter to read and you sit there waiting for the resulting questions.
This way when you are in the moment, heart racing and ready to blurt like a fool because it is a stress situation you have no pint of reference for, you can be sure everything you wanted to say is said in the letter. And you are there face to face so it isn't impersonal. In fact, it will be much more intimate.

[KabitTarah]

A good tool in coming out is to write a letter that covers everything as well as you can and then hand the person the letter to read and you sit there waiting for the resulting questions.
This way when you are in the moment, heart racing and ready to blurt like a fool because it is a stress situation you have no pint of reference for, you can be sure everything you wanted to say is said in the letter. And you are there face to face so it isn't impersonal. In fact, it will be much more intimate.

This is exactly how I did it w/ my family and my wife's family. I got a lot of comments on how strong I was to not only come out to them, but to sit there and squirm while they read it.

[Murbella]

Even if you don't use the letter tactic, it often can be a huge help just writing one out.  If you can eventually wrap your thoughts on what you want to say into an eloquent letter, chances are you will be better prepared to speak to it as well.

[Rachel]

Thanks for the replies, hugs.

I discussed the panties and fitted undershirts with my wife. Long talk and I was able to use I and I want in sentences. She is going along with it Also, my home work is to hold my ground.

We discussed jeans and fitted shirts and she said I would need to see the cloths.

Daughter is a no go. She said she thinks she is going through a lot right now and did not need additional stress. I said when and she said when she moves out after college.

Reviewed going to Outfest and I have a go.

My inner image needs work. I will look in peoples eyes and get their eye color, hold my body perpendicular when addressing people and not look away. This is home work.

[MaryXYX]

The letter idea just wasn't relevant for me.  My wife found I had woman's clothing and the response seemed to be something like: "Oh good - grounds for divorce the church will accept".  End of discussion, and I hadn't even started to decide if I really was going to transition.

[KabitTarah]

The letter idea just wasn't relevant for me.  My wife found I had woman's clothing and the response seemed to be something like: "Oh good - grounds for divorce the church will accept".  End of discussion, and I hadn't even started to decide if I really was going to transition.

Ouch! With my wife it was the same way. I hadn't been out to myself long enough to think of writing a letter. I told her three days in a row. The first day she claims she didn't hear me (I think it was more of a "that was just play"). The second day, she definitely thought I was playing. The final day she broke down.

[Lexi Belle]

The letter idea just wasn't relevant for me.  My wife found I had woman's clothing and the response seemed to be something like: "Oh good - grounds for divorce the church will accept".  End of discussion, and I hadn't even started to decide if I really was going to transition.

That made me cry. ._.

[Rachel]

Mary, that must have difficult, hugs.

My wife said there is a line as to what cloths and where I wear them. If I decide to cross the line then she said, "I will love you but I will not be married to you. She told me why. She could not take what others would say behind her back. She said she knows what others say behind peoples backs. An example was a co-worker who's husband came out as gay and they divorced. All the girls were just saying how could she not know and crap like that.

Things to ponder while I build my identity. I have some thoughts but I need to let them ferment. An identity is something that is basic and you should not compromise, but then XXXXXX.

[MaryXYX]

It was very painful to lose my wife, church, friends and most of my family, but it did set me free.  Moving into my own apartment gave me the opportunity to think things through and decide firstly that I was serious about cross dressing.  After my new neighbours had seen me it was just one natural step after another until I went Full Time.  I don't regret the break as much as I regret all the years living as the man I never really was.

I feel the word for those considering transition is:
It will bring a lot of pain and loss - we mustn't minimise that.  You take the decision when the alternative is worse.

[KabitTarah]

It was very painful to lose my wife, church, friends and most of my family, but it did set me free.  Moving into my own apartment gave me the opportunity to think things through and decide firstly that I was serious about cross dressing.  After my new neighbours had seen me it was just one natural step after another until I went Full Time.  I don't regret the break as much as I regret all the years living as the man I never really was.

I feel the word for those considering transition is:
It will bring a lot of pain and loss - we mustn't minimise that.  You take the decision when the alternative is worse.

And strength. It needs a lot of strength and you clearly have that!!

I'm of three minds at my eventual loss of wife and house (a loooong process -- because of the house). I lose a lot in her and in my neighborhood community. I lose daily access to my kids. But I gain a space for me to be me 24-7. Overall... I don't know what I want (yes I want the whole package), but at this point I know I'm getting the good and bad whether I like it or not!

Change is difficult. Change brings division and strife, but it's also the only way we can grow as individuals.

[Rachel]

I went to the therapist today and reviewed so much:

1) Panties on and more on the way, camie is good up top but I need to lose some weight,
2) I will order jeans and but a few tops at Buffalo Exchange, need to order bras,
3) Sent trans* training info to Boss and HR,
4) Have GID determination and paid invoices in hand to send to insurance for therapy reimbursement , My clock started Jan 2013,
5) Going to outfest,
6) I will actively manage weight loss with the therapist and get help if it starts to get all encompassing,
7) When I speak to my wife I used I want, I feel and similar,
8- When I was discussing what I said to my wife about going to outfest with a coworker I said my Mom said. We discussed the slip.
9) Reviewed a pic I sent the therapist of how I see myself. I said I can get everything but the face and she said I did not have a masculine face. She pointed out my small nose, non masculine jaw and chin and eye sockets. Why didn't she say this when I asked her in the beginning. I just can not see anything but male in the mirror. Perhaps some time will help.
10) Talked about coming out at work and the different ways and ramifications.

[Rachel]

Went to the therapist today we discussed:

1) Picking up month 6 meds today,

2) Wet to Outfest Philadelphia Sunday and reviewed all the sites I use to go to when I was another person long ago. I went over where I picked up people and how that desire came back outside ICANDY's. There were beautiful guys in tight undies. The burning desire was there and has not left. Very cool day all things considered.

I also explained the COP issue I had there. I was standing looking at the magician on stage. 5 cops gathered on 1 corner and 4 on another. They were behind me. I moved to see them and just walked away. I was that uncomfortable. When I saw them on the streets I just gave them wide birth. Everyone wanted to be there but them and you could tell. I had an incident in the Gayborhood 30 years ago (mistaken person) and was at gunpoint with several cops. There guns at me and some very threatening cops. An old Cop stopped a bad scene and let me go. There was an alarm going off and I was walking by when they started arriving. I was drunk and was in tight pants, tight shirt, super thin and long hair and I looked gay. Gays were a target and that area had a lot of gays. I just fit the bill all to well. I think about that old cop from time to time. I wonder if his son was gay. ( lots of tears)

I had issues with my Dad growing up (was a cop); I just hid when he came home.

Only downer of the day.

3) Undies here, next bras then jeans. I found the bras I like and need and I found LEE jeans I like too. The sized are so confusing.

4) I need to use the I words for the Bras and jeans with my wife.

5) I whispered (hid) when discussed my breasts. I was sad and almost in tears when talking of what I want. I was happy when I talked about bras and jeans and hair.

6) Talked about the mistake I made in college, the door I never went in and the life I want back.

[cynthialee]

 

[Rachel]

Went to the therapist today and I discussed:

Bras are on order

Wife wants to see my posts on Susan's. This could end the marriage, I have kept many past experiences private.

I look to my wife to make all decisions. Even when a waitress asks is anyone wants peppers I look to my wife and only I use them. I need to say what I want.

I am working on accepting compliments and not dismissing my accomplishments.

I came out to a co-worker. I felt good, was calm and hope she keeps confidence.

[cynthialee]

You can request the admin to nuke your threads pertaining to your wife so that if you do share the posts it is somewhat cleaned up.


(if you do have this thread thrown down the memory hole send me a PM so I can stay in touch)