MTF in need of help

[Rachel]

I was supposed to see my therapist today but got rescheduled to Tuesday due to snow. She e-mailed 4 therapists to check out and I left a message for the therapist who is FTM. He is Alison's first choice recommendation and the director of the Woman's Therapy Center in Philadelphia.

I would like to review a recent incident which  I will review with Alison Tuesday. I did not want to bring it up earlier as I was processing the events and was a bit numb. Plus with NYD I did not want to bring down the festive mood.

New Years Eve my daughter was staying over a friend's house. My wife and I went to bed at 10:30. I had taken a Cialis earlier and we were cuddling. My wife noticed stubble and said She could not do this and screamed at me, " you are a freak" and she left the bed room.

We had a 4 and 1/2 hour discussion where every aspect of my identity was shred. She wants me at base zero, no HRT, short hair, short nails, no shaving, no procedures, no dressing, no bra, no panties, nothing. We discussed divorce and the net effect on me. I only have her and my daughter and I love them.

I told her she never sympathized with ever about being Trans*. I never did disclosed  the trauma, the incest, sexual abuse or physical abuse (I never will disclose to her those aspects of me). I never disclosed my gay past to her either. But still, come on. She said she was hurt and wants a man, the man she married, as the reason for the continuous hostility.

I expressed I did not like it when she and our daughter made fun of me and said things like gayeeee, ->-bleeped-<- and freak and other stuff that is just really uncalled for.

I said I was in the process of finding a new therapist and needed to concentrate on that then I would make a list of every aspect I want and want to do and check off what is non-negotiable and not wanted. Then she would know what I plan and if she can accept me.

I told her hair and HRT are off limits from jump. I said I would have a moratorium for now on shaving ( 4.5 hours and she wanted something).

I was calm and stood my ground.

Divorce would suck and I would be very depressed. I might lose myself. Although, for some reason I am calm and want my Identity.

[cynthialee]

For what it is worth:
I have noticed over the years that those girls who's wife and they split the sheets and the TS woman has to move on seem to transition in some ways more complete than those of us who keep their spousal relationship.
I say this as a woman who remained in her pre-transition marriage.
I can see in my own life a number of ways how remaining in my relationship has stifled my personal growth and complete transition. I am ok with that. But I do sometimes wonder what kind of woman I would have become if I had gone through the crucible that I have seen other TS girls go through.
Seems that by completely cutting ties to the old male life, it affords a chance for the TS woman to truly grow into the person she is meant to be without any outside interference.

[DuckyAlexis]

Hey Cynthia, so sorry to hear that things with the wife have taken such a serious turn for the worse.  It seems, from what you've said, that she has already made up her mind and drawn a line in the sand.  She's  had a year to try to learn, to talk to you, to try to understand, but so far, doesn't seem to have really tried, or if she has, isn't willing to accept it.  Unfortunately, it seems you are in the very unenviable position of having to decide what is most important to you.  On the one hand, you can do what she wants, give up all the gains you've made, but save the marriage, with the understanding that it is a strong possibility that you would develop a lot of resentment toward your wife over time, as you would be having to deny and hide who you really are, always wondering what could have been, who you could have been, never being able to express any femininity, or having to do it in secret, always worrying about being found out, since she has said she wants a man.  On the other hand, you do what you need to do to be happy with yourself, to take care of your well being(physical and emotional), you continue with transition, but most likely lose the marriage.  Yes, that option would be very painful and difficult, but that pain would ease with the passage of time, and you would have a chance for happiness again.  It's a tough thing to face, for sure, whichever way things go, but it's a matter of figuring out what is most important to you, what is best for your well being, and what you can most live with.  I do hope things improve, but I think that maybe it might be time to start preparing yourself for an eventual separation.  Still, great job standing your ground, though.  That must have been very difficult to do, but glad to hear you are feeling calm about it.  You deserve your identity

[MaryXYX]

I think Ducky Alexis has said it.  Is the marriage already over in truth although not in word?  If it is then I feel you will need to accept the pain and move on.

Cynthialee: "Seems that by completely cutting ties to the old male life, it affords a chance for the TS woman to truly grow into the person she is meant to be without any outside interference."
My wife threw me out at  the first hint of cross dressing - before I was close to making the decision to transition.  It set me free to find myself and make that decision.

[DuckyAlexis]

I think Ducky Alexis has said it.  Is the marriage already over in truth although not in word?  If it is then I feel you will need to accept the pain and move on.

Very good way to word it.  I was thinking something along those lines, but wasn't quite sure how to word it.

[MaryXYX]

Well I do like my wording, but you did say it!  My marriage was really over before I actually made the decision about my future so I understand that part.

[Rachel]

I went to the therapist today and we reviewed:

1) Went over what happened NY eve and NT day. No way I am going off HRT and no way my hair gets cut. Biding time to get a new support person and define what I want and what I will do and share it with my wife. One thing for certain is no more bigotry directed at me is non negotiable. My wife called and has called me hurtful things. ->-bleeped-<-got and Freak and HOMO really hurt. I was called those names by strangers in public. I called myself those names. Those names hurt and coming from her and she meant what she said and said it several times really distances me from her. I do not think I can be with her romantically again. Freak from my lover is crushing.

2) I had called the one potential therapist several times with no call back and I will move on to the next candidate.

3) Meet with an EVP who knows me for 25 years. When we were done our business, he said to me you appear happy recently.  He was looking at me and was really concentrating on my face and had a puzzled look. I said I am  very happy and change is good. The I said good by. He is open and gay and in the community. He definitely suspects.

4) Dropped off WPATH 7 and DSM 5 to the head of our LGBT group at work. WPATH 7 is a definite Standard Of Care opportunity at work.

5( I value my identity gains and I am not going backwards.

[cynthialee]

It is for the best. You should not go back to living a lie.

[DuckyAlexis]

Hey Cynthia,
sucks to read that the one potential therapist didn't get back to you, but hopefully next candidate gets back to you in a timely manner.  Secondly, glad to see that someone who has known you for so long has noticed such a positive change in you.  Nice when someone notices such a positive change in attitude and notices when you look happier.  As far as the bigotry and name calling, that is completely unacceptable from someone who is supposed to care about and love you.  It is understandable she would have a hard time accepting all the changes, etc, but there are other ways to express that without being vindictive and purposely saying hurtful things.  If I were in that situation, i'm not sure what i would do, but I do think that I would not ever see that person in the same light again. 
On an totally separate note, I know you've been on HRT now for quite some time and was curious how that  is all going so far as far as changes and what not?

Lexi

[Rachel]

Cynthialee, hugs;

I will not go back to living in the closet. As time passes my wanting to be me grows and I think about what will change at work and how well I will handle the challenge. I really think work will go very well. I ponder my inner image and how I will present. I have so many options!

DuckyAlexis, hugs;

I am just now allowing the feelings to sink in. FREAK, I am so hurt. From one moment loving foreplay and next FREAK. I am afraid to be alone. My wife and daughter are my friends and we share so much together. I am submissive and quiet. I do the housework, always have. I read a lot, do experiments and work. I am in my own world most of the time. Intimacy with my wife is over; I do not think I could get close to her. When I meet my wife she became a friend. I will miss being close to another person and sharing the intimacy.


The 1st therapist called back and her practice is full. I called the #2 therapist and left a message.

HRT, I have only been on HRT 7 months and I expect 5 years will be needed at my age for full results.

I have had substantial mental changes. I am happy and meet challenges much easier. I am a really nice person and now I can express myself so much better and share how I feel with others. I really like other people and we can have conversations of family and holidays now and not just work and science.

I have has some typical physical changes too.
Body odor reduction, smell is more acute, calm, no chest pains now, soft skin, breast growth ( really nice breasts , size are small but growing steady), hair regrowth ( really started at month 3 and doing well), dry shin on hands, losing weight is tough now, body hair is very fine and beard grows very slow.

Therapy, I think a year of therapy had helped me immeasurably. I was so introverted and I was consumed with fear and guilt. I have a long way to go but I look at the world with hope instead of how to end the pain. I did several sonomic therapy sessions addressing sexual abuse and incest and I probably skip a day hear and there not thinking of the past. The events just do not have the power it use to and I think of the events and not really the emotional perspective.

HRT, therapy and a lot of work

[DuckyAlexis]

Hey Cynthia,
I can totally understand the not wanting to be alone part, but in reality, do you not feel alone now in  your own home, with the stance your wife has taken?  I think it's totally natural to feel fear at the unknown, of the future, especially when you have invested so much time and emotions into making things what they are, and especially when any potential loses would be so big.  Yes, being without a partner gets lonely, but you would eventually be able to move on and meet someone who fully accepts you for you, not thinks you a freak.  As for your daughter, only you know her and how she can be and react, but I think by this point she is well aware of what is going  on and maybe might be a good time to have an honest talk with her and ask her if she has any questions for you, etc and keep the lines of communication open so if you and your wife do split, you can maintain your relationship with your daughter.  It sounds like you two have a good relationship overall, at least from what I've read, so at least you hve a good foundation. 

sucks to hear first therapist was all full, but hopefully you hear back from the second one quickly, if you haven't already. 

So glad to hear HRT has made such a great positive impact on your happiness and well being.  I've been thinking about it a lot lately, but unfortunately, it will be a while before I can even make that a posibility, due to several reasons.  Have you experienced many negative side effects?

Lexi

[Rachel]

So glad to hear HRT has made such a great positive impact on your happiness and well being.  I've been thinking about it a lot lately, but unfortunately, it will be a while before I can even make that a posibility, due to several reasons.  Have you experienced many negative side effects?

Spiro is a blood pressure med and a diuretic so when I first went on the med I had to pee a lot.

I lost 1 pound in 2 weeks when I think I would have lost 3 pounds pre HRT eating as healthy as I have been.

When I first went on E and AA I was so hungry and lost 15 pounds which was mostly water weight I think. The weight went right back on after a month.

I had to relearn sexual arousal and female arousal is different than the male. The female response is much more engulfing

I was a bit embarrassed when I told people I am trans and on HRT but each time I earned freedom and self respect.

[cynthialee]

There should be no shame in being a TS woman. There should be no shame in being a woman.

[DuckyAlexis]

There should be no shame in being a TS woman. There should be no shame in being a woman.

Well Said

[MaryXYX]

There should be no shame in being a TS woman. There should be no shame in being a woman.

I would say there should be no shame in being a woman, and if it's taken you some time to realise you are a woman - well congratulations for being honest about it.

The part I have difficulty with is just being a woman and forgetting about the 'T' history.

[Rachel]

I am not ashamed anymore. I carried the shame till last year and a lot of therapy helped me immensely.

When I tell another person ( the last person was easy and the one before that was fantastic) and I get a shocked look and open mouth look, well then I feel a little embarrassed. For a few moments, which feels like an hour, it is awkward and I wonder if they will reject me.

[MaryXYX]

I am not ashamed anymore. I carried the shame till last year and a lot of therapy helped me immensely.

I never had therapy so I might have missed out on part of the experience.  Before transition I had fear about people finding out, and the consequences, but I don't think I experienced shame.

When I tell another person ( the last person was easy and the one before that was fantastic) and I get a shocked look and open mouth look, well then I feel a little embarrassed. For a few moments, which feels like an hour, it is awkward and I wonder if they will reject me.

I often feel an urge to tell people, but in situations where it isn't relevant I'm managing to resist the temptation.  Do you need to tell people?  Next week I shall be staying with the daughter who accepts me.  I expect I'll be going to toddler groups and be introduced as the twins' Nana.  That's all the other Moms need to know, and it could make things difficult for my daughter if I said more.

[Rachel]

I went to the therapist yesterday and we discussed:

1) 2 more remaining sessions with Alison. I was contacted by a new potential therapist and scheduled an appointment next Wednesday. I see Alison next Tuesday. I am relieved that I will have a new support person potentially. I obsess on this because I can focus on my transition direction and issues associated with my transition and building my identity with support. Even with help there are a lot of destructive thoughts.

2) My wife accepted an invitation for a 2 hour family dinner with my brother's and sister's families ( I have always kept secrets and my wife does not know the extent if the issues). None of them have seen me in a year so that will create a stir. When I had long hair when I was younger my brother called me ->-bleeped-<-ot and such. My brother is a lot older than me and he beat me some times and I did things. It stopped when I finally refused and I had so many bruises and fist lines on my arms and body and  the neighborhood Moms asked what happened and told them about the physical stuff. It never happened again.

I practiced with Alison what to say to my brother if he called me a name, firm and direct. Also, she said I need to stand up when people (like my wife, daughter and co-workers)  say things to me that are derogatory. I told her I will now and the reason I never replied or stood my ground was because I have so few family and just a few work acquaintances that I was willing to take it to not lose anyone. I am ready to lose it all now and I will be firm yet respectful.

I woke last night after 3 hours of tossing and could not get out of my mind the stuff my brother did. I was sick to my stomach and curled up. It has been on my mind all day. I just want to cancel the day of and say I am sick. I know I need to go and face them.

On another note a saw a coworker today I have not seen in 6 months. I called his name, he turned  and he said he did not recognize me with the long hair and that I look different.

Another co-worker I see every day and is a friend keeps saying he does not know me any more and I am a different person. He does it with others there which is ok.

Oh, I got a 3 months supply od E and AA for $30.00 at CVS with a prescription plan. Full pill containers feel so good

[cynthialee]

 

it has been quite the year for you hasn't it?

[Rachel]

@ Cynthialee,
I can not believe the year. A lot of stuff has happened and a lot of pain. But there was a huge amount of identity growth and I am proud of me, the girl and my transition. I am so happy I chose to transition. I would give a 0% chance I would be here if I did not choose to get help.

@ MaryXYZ,
I do feel the need to tell some people like my wife, HR, my Boss, Operations Manager and a co-worker and health care workers at my primary care. I do plan to come out at work because when I have a full head of hair and it is below my shoulders, my face is baby smooth, earrings and I have boobs I would feel like I am hiding in a shell. In reality people would know and coming out strong would just boost my self confidence. When I come out then I can choose voice vocal fold work and other procedures. I am transitioning at work where I have been for a long time and I do not want to leave.

If someone does not know me and I see them I will not tell them. They may guess and if asked I will disclose.


I have come to terms with what I will say to my brother if he calls me names. I will not disclose the past and only reference stopping the name calling and if he continues then to leave. I really wrestled with disclosing his actions but I forgive him and myself. I will not stand for name calling and I will be done with the situation when and if I walk out. I have no idea why I am invited to his house especially with his #1 wife there.