MTF in need of help

[Jason_S]

Hi cynthia,
Don't worry about it too much. I had almost exactly the same experience 2 nights ago, except mine didn't go as far really. I would of died trying to tell my parents what I feel inside but I just blanked completely and stayed quiet.
I found explaining my true self to a good friend who you know will keep it to themselves before going to family. I spent almost 2 1/2 hours chatting to my friend last night. I couldn't feel any better now that at least someone knows.

Just keep with it, there will come a point where you will feel confident enough. I'm probably trying to rush things a bit but thats just me. Not everyone will understand at first but try not to hurt yourself if someone doesn't understand.

Stay strong, hugs.
Laura

[Cindy]

K Mart was not completely successful.   

What happened Honey?

[Kii]

Easy girl, just breathe.
Dont pop, just take an extra breath. Im in the same boat.
In reading about your wife and daughter, they have enough to know now, so take the next step carefully.

I met a girl who is so strong I am amazed. The look in her eyes as she held my hand while I was crying has left me with an indelible impression, and that is this:
The strength of the female can be more than any man.
I saw it. I'll never forget.

This is the strength we must also harness, for it is already inside us.

Yes, we have to pick up the pieces of ourselves that has just broken down. I'm (and maybe We) are like a clock that has all of its springs and gears all popping out.
And we must be do it with grace and elegance.

Please just breathe a little, I'm learning this isnt a race.
We are the same in so many ways.

I did something new this morning! I danced and moved my hips and I cant tell you how nice it is.
Maybe give it a try for and see if it can provide you with some inner strength while the world gets up to speed with who you really are :-)

As an aside, I really want to do my nails! It's so intense
Take care today!
Will be back laters

-Nikkii

[cynthialee]

Obviously on some level your daughter knows already.

[Rachel]

Thank you everyone for there support, hugs 

K Mart- I went in rather early about 9:00. I went to the male section. The male and female section are next to each other. I went to the on-sale section which is next to the female section. I was able to look and see the layout and allow my heart to get back into my chest. There was a GG in the section so I waited. I ended up getting an on-sale male hoodie. When I went to pay the cashier was male and a customer came behind me that was male. I did not immediately just leave like in Wal Mart but I did not achieve my objective. Cindy James, you are so strong and definitely an inspiration.

We were at a funeral today. We were sitting in the pew and my daughter asked that I hold her wristlet while she took off her coat. She said I looked good holding it. She kids around a lot but she may have an idea about my gender mismatch. I cannot believe my wife does not know, although I lied to myself pretty effectively for so long; so,  perhaps that with wishful thinking blinds her.

It was her uncle who died. So why was I the only one in her immediate family ( 3 females there, not counting myself) with tears running down my face?

I was thinking Victoria Secret. Reason is if I walk into the store then it is a female retail store and no other purpose. Then I most likely would be greeted by a sales assistant. When asked may I help you then I could say yes I am interested in thongs in size 8. If she asks if they are for myself or someone else then I have 2 choices ( please comment ). I could say me or my wife ( please comment). Wife would be easier but a lie. Me would be embarrassing but the truth.

Wife said I was losing to much weight. I was 227 on 12/12/12 and now 206 on 1/20/2013. Goal is 26 more pounds by 1/19/2013 when I see the Physician's Assistant ( 1st time) and Social worker 2nd time. I will try to get in touch with the therapist tomorrow. When I spoke with the social worker I said I would only do hormones if my wife approved. She said well you will at least have the choice if you want to or at a later date, referance is when I see the Physicians Assiatant. Huge issue. I really want to take hormones. and if I have a script then I know I will get the hormones. How can I not take the hormones If I have them? The sneeky things that require no guts I can do ( referance buy panties I can not do because it is open and honest) and I know if I have them I will use them. If I start then how can you stop if the constant battlle in my mind stops? I think another battle in my head will start. Just rambling. 

[Cindy]

Hugs Sis,

You are going really well. Be proud.

Shopping at Victoria's Secret and the equivalent  is really good fun. I had my first bra fitting at an Aussie equivalent, no probs I had my falsies with me and  I was measured and we got the size then she took me to look at what sort of bras would fit.

But be aware. In a very broad generality, guys shopping in Vic Secret etc for lingerie for their wife is a common code for crossdressing. The staff don't care they are totally used to it.

It is a lot more anonymous in big stores.

But just keep plugging away, one step at a time. There is no rush at all. We all started as very scared people you will get there with time.

Hugs

Cindy

[Caisie Breen]

I have my 1st appointment for informend consent in 6 days. I tried to move it up but they are booked. They are an informed consent location in Philadelphia. I really need to talk to them.

One 12/12/12 I admitted to myself I am transgender ( at age 50). A liftime of payback is rushing into my brain. I surrendered to my feminine self on 1/5/2013 ( scheduled the appointment at the LTGB center). I hate my male self for all the pain I inflicted upon myself and others and for my inability to be honest. I am responsible for this mess ( my head is throbbing and emotions are on the surface).

What triggered the bomb to go off? My wife asked me why I  never iniated sex. Was she ugly? I reassured he she was beautiful but I could not tell her why I could not iniate sex. This bothered me. I started writhing down my history and then a flood of things came in. Volumes of things I surpressed. Refused to remember, did not happen if I could not remember. I looked over what I wrote and thought. I am a complete fraud, chicken and transgender.

In the past I had coping mechanism to substatute for the female side of me. I ( huge embarrassment) after puberty masterbated and fanticized I was a woman and was satisfying men in every way possible. There were thoughts throughout the day but I allowed an outlet at night and re-directed the day thoughts for later. Lots of other things I could expand on but they would be a bit graphic.

I have had a headach since 12/12/2012, now my stomach hurts almost costantly for the past 2 days. I can not sleep much and all  I can think about is coming to terms with my past, present and future. In the past three days driving home, Wednesday I was in a pure state of panic, Thursaday and Friday I cried. My drive is 1.5 hours and cried the whole time. Work is turning into a very difficult place to concentrate and I think 25% of the time about my MTF conflict. What is happening?

I took my daughter and her friend to the movies and when I came home I almost told my wife I am transgender. I chickeded out. I am so lame.

My wife and daughter are my life and I love them and would not ever want to hurt them. I love where I work and really believe what I do counts toward the final effort and we collectively do amazing things for others. I would be crushed if I lost one of the three yet the potential of all three, not to mention the embarressment of others finding out I am female. I am in hell ( can't fight back the tears).

I think I need to tell everyone, wife, daughter, work and family ASAP. Things are getting worse every day.

I think I need HRT but that scarres the hell out of me. Add a sex change and I am over the top. Voice, breasts cloths make-up, find another job, divorce and lose my daughter. Life will not be worth living. Yet I am drawn to admit who I am, stop the pain and get some quiet.

I will try to explaine the battle inside of me. I surrendered to my feminine self ( Cynthia) and apologized many time to her ho all the years of pain I caused her. She is extreamly creative, bright, very sensitive, loving, nurturing, quick witted and the reason I have been successful. The male personna has anger, hatrid, supresses creativeness, is very competive and mean. I can not control the internal feeling of male sub-rage running unabated inside of me. I am numb and unfeeling.


I have been reading the different posts for about a month and perhaps someone can provide some insight. I do not know what dysphoria is, do I have it? Is there hope for me? How do you cope.

Hello Cindy.

Your story sounds very similar to mine in the early stages. I have been in transition for 10 years. At the beginning, I had no idea how far I would go. I will say this, for me - my relationship with my lovely wife of 32 years, was and still is priority. In other words, I would have continued to suppress my femininity if my sweet wife wanted me to.

But so sweet she is. She saw me and where I was going before I did. Indeed, at a crucial moment 3 years ago when she saw how I was struggling, she came right out and told me, "(old first name) you are a woman. This was what I needed to hear and loved her so much more for saying it.

Even at this point I had no idea where or how far I would go. I was at this time using makeup and dressing somewhat androgynous. Gradually, I began to be more and more public with my new self. We even joined a woman's networking group. And one day, a wonderful and precious member - seeing that I was trying to keep a foot in both worlds, simply asked "OK (old first name), what's it going to be?". Wow! I needed to hear no more. I now knew the direction I needed to take.

This along with the full support of my wonderful wife, I decided to go all the way. I had an Orchi performed and then, changed all of my ID (including my birth certificate), to my new name, Caisie Breen.

Even all of this didn't seem sufficient. Every time I sat down to pee, there it was, a birth defect that was really starting to bring me down. Hence, the 15th of February, I will finally be complete with my SRS.

I've never known such joy knowing that I will not only, really becoming the complete woman I was meant to be but my sweetie, my son's and my friends, completely support me and indeed, are happy for me.

This is just my experience. I wouldn't for a second suggest that this plan is right for. But like me, you may find that as time goes on, your path will indeed start becoming more and more clear.

Best of luck - hugs :-

[Rachel]

Thank you for your help and support, it is a great comfort. hugs  . A few weeks ago I was a complete basket case and thought I was soooo horrible. I am on a new path and where it will go I do not know. I owe this group of friends a great deal of thanks. You anchord we on the edge and did not let go. Thank you.

I have a meeting scheduled with the therapist this week. She sounds wonderful and has a lot of experiance helping people like myself. I need help.  I now have a social worker, therapist and a Physicains Assistant.

Things are a little bit more fluid since I accept who I am and embrace my trans / bi self. Things are changing and there is a new level of issue developing. I am too ashamed to even share here. I do not know where this will go but the thoughts and actions are to strong to resist and I do not want to resist. Something to review with the therapist. Hope she can cope. I want to see her face when I tell her. I will see if we will be able to bond by the look in her face.

I am drawn to let my female out. I am changing. I am complled by something inside that wants to be free.

[Rachel]

This is gross so be warned.

I need to dicslose, the level of discust I have gone. Please be honest with me and I will accept your comments in whole for thoughtful consideration.

My head was headach free until a little while ago. Now I have a pounder.

I accept being trans and BI. I had promised myself not to masterbate and fantisize about transitioning and performing sex on lots of guys. I had not masterbated since I made the appointment with the social worker. I was hoping a script for AA would somehow save me from myself. The PA perscribes and this is not till the 19th of Feb. I was disappointed. I realized I could not hold out. I fantisized I was transitioning ( same since I was 11) and having lots of sex with guys. This time I was not stuck at 24 now it was me at 50. My fantisy, I picked up a bunch of guys by the LGBT center and I had a wonderful feminine body and used it. ( not bad so far). When I was done the smell was compelling and I enjoyed it and it felt good. I had not done that since I was 24.

Gross and disgusting, I know. This is me. I have done worse but not for 26 years. I hope it does not further regress.

I am so sorry but I must share to be honest and real.

[Cindy]

Darling,

There is nothing to be disgusted about at all!!!!!!

Perfectly normal reaction, perfectly normal fantasy for a female to have, or anyone else. There is nothing wrong in expressing sexuality, in fantasizing and masturbation. It is normal.

There is nothing wrong. Totally utterly and completely, NOTHING WRONG.

Oh by the way did I tell you that there is nothing wrong and nothing to be disgusted about?

Cindy

[Rachel]

Thank you so much for not rejecting me and accepting me for what I am. I am definately changing. Into what I do not know. As the Trerapist said, I am on a journey.

I had my hands over my eyes just before I read your post. I feel so much better now. I did not want be fake but to what extent being real is too real?

[Cindy]

Part of this whole process is accepting ourselves. For most of our lives we have lived in a dark box and burying it deeper whenever we can. Expressing ourselves was unforgivable and being ourselves was impossible.

Now we are waking up and we need to get used to being us.

There is nothing to fear except fear itself.

We are strong people, we have been forged in hell.

It just takes time for the shell to be peeled off.

Hugs

Cindy

[cynthialee]

Just be careful if you go and fulfill some of those fantasys. I wasn't careful and I am HIV+ to show for the fun.
So remember to use condoms if you do some of these things you been thiking of.

As for fun and freaky fantasies and bisexuality, yep, got both, got the merit badges I am sure.

People have sexual fantasies. It is what it is. Have fun and be safe.

[Rachel]

Thank you for your support and understanding. I feel unclean

I am bonded and can not stray, not in me, no matter how strong the desire.

I owe my life to my wife. She cared about me (the outside me) and it gave me the reason to not be self destructive. It was a clean break from my issues. I am now straight edge so no drugs or alcohol or smoking ( enjoyed all three). Being and alcoholic ( 15 years sober, age of daughter)  I can not go into a bar or be with my old friends. I have an extreamly addictive personality. I love the escape.

I Turned off feeling  more than 30 years ago.  I want to feel again and I want to share. My wife asks why I am distant, do not initiate sex or have interest in her. I tell her it is me and not her.  Being TG is very self consuming.

Had an initial phone conversation with the Therapist Monday and I see her tomorrow evening. Apprehensive.

Hugs 

[cynthialee]

well just get rid of that unclean feeling

it is natural to have sexual needs

do not let societies issues with sexuality inform your emotions in a negative fashion

[Rachel]

Thank you for helping me. Hugs 

Went to the LGBTQ center and meet with the Therapist. She is nice and I think we connected. Next appointment in a week. She has a lot of experiance. I think I am in trouble because I think she will be able to smell BS a mile away ( I was honest although I did not gross her with explicid details, a little hold back is a lie, I will set it right). My thighs and stomach were shivering and my hands were a bit shakey. I did not cry but 1/2 the time I could not look her in the face. I pointed it out to her and why ( really difficult to face me through others faces but I must to be healthy). The more  talk time the better I will be able to accept me. You girls help tremendiously too with the love, understanding and support, thank you.

I felt really apprehensive the 2 days prior to the appointment. She said, it would be easier to cope by me hiding then facing. I know she is right. She said I hit a point and then I  started transitioning. Different types of transitioning mind, spirit, external and hormonal. She said hormonal was the easy part and that I needed to work with the 1st 3 first. Right again.

I shared I see the social worker and PA in Feb and that I would be able to get a script then. She knows them and use to work with them. I expressed I wanted to try hormones at a very very low level to start but feel I will slide  if I feel good on them. I think I need to put off the hormones for a little while till my head is more stable. I was a basket case a month ago and just able to express in words to a human my gender, disphoria and obsession.

I told her me on the outside is opposite to me inside, like 2 different persons ( really). I am changing to Me inside on the outside.
I told her Cynthia is the twin of Apallo and the Goddess of the moon ( moon, easy to be stelth and hide). I love my name, it is so me.
I told her I drempt last night, 1st I can remenber in many years. A TG in Home Depot with lots of guys looking at her very odd. I awoke and said how can she do this. I looked at the TG receptiones tonight ( looked lovely, tall, thin and cute) and said to myself how can she do this? Told the therapist this and she said what ( took it the wrong way). I told her my K Mart and Wal Mart panty raid attempts and said how can I do this ( same as the receptionest), she got it.

Driving home I felt good. I feel funny though, my stomach has butterfies. I think I know I have found help. I think I know I am on uncharted terratory.  I am a bit happy, a bit excited and a bit insecure, a bit alive.

She was surprised I was able to express clearly I am Trans and bi matter of factly. I explained my list of my life and 1/2 way through I acknowledged what I am and that I want to not be ashamed of me or hide or be unhealthy.

I told her my role models at work. There are many women in all levels and at the very top. I expressed my observations and how I coping them and express their natural leadership methods and how it feels when I use their methods. If women only knew how powerful and effective they are then men would not stand a chance. 

[Rachel]

I had a dream last night ( 2nd time in a week). I could not remember when I last had a dream, prior to this week.

I have been self absorbed in myself and busy trying to become healthy. My self stimulation has evolved to transitioning present day, so so intense and satisfying. I no longer dislike the thoughts; I welcome them and enjoy.

The dream was something beautiful. I was walking on a bridge ( it is new) between two buildings and I meet someone who recently passed in a horrific way. She was there and we chatted, just two girls having a converastion. She was not disfigured and she was in total peace. I awoke and knew I need to start (or at least be the spark to start) a fund to name the bridge in her honor. Monday, I will review the thought with an very strong ally. Something positive, something not about me in my mind. Where did this come from? I am starting to feel, care about others and dream. Cynthia is so cool it is not funny.

[Rachel]

Went to the therapist for the 2nd time today. The day before was hell, WWIII in my head; all about what I could not change in the past. I was able to stop the negative do loop but it was staggering how much time and effort was wasted. I think it was apprehension prior to seeing the therapist. She asked what was it about and how did I resolve it. She, did not expand or waste time on it. I guess you can not change the past no matter how many times you present it to yourself or how you wish the outcome was different.

After the 1st session I was a little happy about me ( 1st time). I have been happy in my life in the past but never about me. After the second session I was happy and there was some joy about me. I mean I was happy and there is joy about what I am doing. I am a long way from the end but I have definatly begun. I feel good and happy. I have some assignmrnts to achieve. We are making small achievable goals. I can do this. I maintained eye contact with the therapist the whole time, felt outstanding.

She asked if I felt like giving up and going back to hiding and coping the old way. I said, the past is over and I am not going back. I promised Cynthia she was going to be part of the rest of my life and not in hiding. I expressed my goals, my affermations. I want to grow and be me. Lots of butterflies in my tummy, good feeling.

I had no problem going into the LGBTQ center today. There was a guy who staired at me going in and I just did not care. When I went to the Mazzoni center I passed it 5 times prior to going in. Small change but for me big.

[Rachel]

Just noting my thoughts, 2nd therapist session:

Wednesday night I had no sleep and Thurday the headaches were very bad.

I was so happy Wednesday night from seeing the therapist and a comment I made in passing about hormones and boobs. She said the effects were reversable unless you are on them for a long time ( sterility is not an issue) with the exception of boobs. I said it would not be such a bad thing to have boobs. I am so nervous in growing boobs and the change. I just cannot believe the words flowed out of my mouth with not effort or remorse. I felt good after I made the comment and though tabout it all night.

2 questions she asked. 1) was why do I consider myself transgender? I said after I made my list of my lifes personal connections and activities or avoidance's it was self evident ( Transgender term I hear at work and else where). I need to fully disclose as I was growing up I was petrified of the word ->-bleeped-<-. At about 4 we were drive through Atlantic city at night and we came across a ->-bleeped-<- ( as my father said) and he said yuck and made several negative comments. Mom sis and brother were in the car. I was about 4 or 5. I looked at the girl and was not repulsed ( as my father expressed). I was curious and staired. I have thought about this off and on all my life, sever time a year. I never wanted to have a ->-bleeped-<- label and hated the ideas in my mind.

2) What is my favorate color. I said I told people all my life gray. Then I said I hate gray and that I rally like pink. Pink stands out from a mile way to me. What I did not share Was the gray imagery. dark woods with trees and no leaves with crows on the branchhes calling to me in shrill cracklings. A pretty frightening place yet calm and easy to hide in. This is my place. I told people in plain sight where I thought about when I would hide from thoughts and facing feelings.

I told her I just want to be happy I want some joy and I give up and I am tire of hiding. I want to live. I told her suicide is a part of me, always present but very seldom in the forefront ( I am not thinking of offing myself). I want to express myself (Cynthia).

She asked if I had considered reverting to hiding and not going forward. I told her I am not going back. I can not go back. I do not know what my future will be, I am going to be open to change wherever it takes me that leads to happiness and joy ( internal about myself).

She said I need to slow down, find out what I really want and take things in small incremental changes. She said I should buy a pink shirt for work. I told her I would order one that night.

Got home Wednesday night. Daughter notice a necklace I was wearing ( thought it could not be seen, I never have worn anything on my body). She asked if it was a medical alert item. I said no. It had the transgender symbol on it. Dinner was over and I just  started clearing the plates and put stuff in the dishwasher and went to the bathroom and removed the pendant so it was just a thin leather strap. My daughter never said anything more and my wife never mentioned it or looked over. Am I that good at situational manipulation or am I in a total human void. I am at a total loss for words to express my complete sense of uncaring about me. Something so huge and zero interest.

So I ordered the pink shirt and a blue tie. I will wear a ping and blue. Right in front I will express my true self. No one will notice and only I will get the symbolism. So when i ordered the shirt and tie I ordered 2 panties. Cool, the package will come and I will be able to show a shirt and tie and inside will be a pink pair and multicolor pair of bikini panties, with lace. The buying panties issue solved, or so I thought. I did my best in trying to get the size right. Tonight the email motice comes. The shift and tie are backordered and the panties were shipped in two different packages! Can you believe this. My head hurts so much right now. How will I get through the next 72 -96 hours. Hiding and sneaking and lieing get you a mound of worry and self loathing. Lesson learned, I need to express myself. This needs to stop and I need to grow. I need to just be honest. 

Just ranting, another day in the life of me. Although, I am happy I ordered the panties and I look forward to getting them. They are really cute and I hope the look great on me. Hay Murphy, take a day off, ok!

[cynthialee]

Is there any chance you can escape to a large city for a weekend? This will alow you the chance to go out dresed and not have to worry about comeing out prematurly to the people in your life.