MTF in need of help

[TurkeyOnRye]

Being honest with someone you love is so hard.

I'm taking a chemistry class right now. We're learning about activation energy of chemical reactions. Your above comment reminded me of that. It can sometimes take a lot of energy to start a chemical reaction...but once started, the reaction happens spontaneously and effortlessly. I find that honesty is often the same way.

...it is so much easier to hide and lie.

Well you could have fooled me! It might be easier for a while, but as you've seen, there comes a tipping point where it takes more energy to keep up the facade than to express your reality as she is.

There is no way to control or spin this or make it better.

No there isn't.

[Rachel]

Hi TurkeyOnRye,

I had general, organic and biological chemistry in college in 1981 and 1982 and got straight A's. It never occurred to me that life's lessons followed similar rules. Perhaps Newton's 1st Law is applicable as well. Perhaps dissimilar genders (trans and cis) repel each other and love attracts universally. When additional external forces are applied the objects either attract or repel. IDK.

If I were to talk to my Operations Manager (Buddhist and out on leave for 6 weeks) he would say life has pain. Look at your pain, embrace your pain and move through your pain. Perhaps my wife and I are in a process of looking at, embracing and moving past our pain. I do know but living in pain hurts from the inside out with no escape.

I did know that not facing my fear, not being honest and not being myself and at peace with myself would resulted in a web of lies and deceit hurting those I love most. Yet the attraction of going back to my old ways is tempting. I know I need to grow my "self" and default to honesty and being myself.

What caused last nights hurt was my wife reading my response to a member and in that response I said I want to change my name and the name on my work ID. Also, that if I went from male clothes to female clothes at work it would not be to much different. Most woman wear slacks and a blouse unless they are Senior Management and then it is a business suit (female).

Tonight was really wonderful. My wife and I had dinner out , just the two of us. I enjoyed that so much and there was not stresses. An hour earlier I was crying on the way home fearing a continuation of last night. In the end, I am so confused and whirling around in a circle from sad, to happy based on internal  wants and external demands.

[Rachel]

I went to my Therapist, gym and group Thursday and this is what took place.

Therapist
My therapist is working on the letter (requirement) for a consultation with Dr. McGinn and will have it next week. I discussed two procedure approaches. One being where I schedule FFS and GCS and battle the insurance company for FFS. This method has unknowns such as if full FFS is done how will I look and my wife only wants sex with a penis. So these two items weigh greatly.  Another approach is to have a tracheal shave (mine is really small and hardly noticeable but my voice and adam's apple are something I think about very often) and include one FFS component. Then and Orchi and another FFS component. Then maybe if I am sure things are going well a BA (small) and FFS component. Depending on how my wife and I work through the sexual relations issues and if I need further correction either keep my penis or have GCS. If I have GCS then the remaining FFS would be completed.  Somewhere in there I will need to have my hair repaired with the strand graph method which looks natural. I am still getting hair regrowth so I am hesitant to have hair graphs now.

I love my wife and I do not want to lose her so I am leaning toward gradual and measures procedures over some time and see if I have relief and get positive results. Also, I am really scared.  I can not go back and going forward is very frightening. Staying in the middle is something I do not think will work.

I think I am getting past the self hate and why me and trying to deal with the cards I am dealt with. I think I am accepting who I am and really want to just be myself.

Gym
My trainer keeps upping the exercises. I had pain walking 3 days later last week. She also added in stretching for flexibility. She had me in positions and then pushed on my back and held the position. Talk about pain. When I was done I felt so good and a little bit dizzy.

Group
We submitted our Philly Trans Health Conference (PTHC) application after group. This is so cool. Looking back just a year ago I would never have done anything like this. I walked around the last conference feeling like an outcast. Just like when I am with cis people. This year the difference is I volunteered to be part of a workshop at the PTHC and be part of the work shop selection committee for trans-feminine. At work I am also a member of Pride and multicultural professionals and a specialized bio hazmat team of 15 volunteers (15 out of 20,000). Also, I joined a LGBT (non-judgmental)  gym and have a trainer and I am doing a presentation at a national engineering conference. Finally I joined a group which is mostly trans-feminine.   That is a lot in one year

[carrie359]

Hey Cynthia,
Well, I was reading your last post..  I just told my therapist the other day that if anyone thinks being trans is a choice they should try transitioning..!!
The was a prelude to my saying how complicated it is in so many ways and how our stress factors change over time..
Like starting transition was so exciting...and now I am full time.  and the stress has changed from going out and being seen as male upset me to now going out and not able to pass as a male..at all..
I can no longer use the men's room.. fine with me but then the whole voice thing comes into play and I am so dang busy with work I hardly have time to do any work on my voice.
Basically I need to schedule my days and honestly don't have time do do anything but work, workout and transition.
Also I am writing a book... and can't find time to do it...
I have had dreams of my guy self since FFS and have actually awoke crying.. I miss me too just like everyone else does..we mourn our selves.. I was a really good looking dude that never thought he looked good.. now after FFS look at pics of when I was in shape and think damn that dude is a stud.. seriously.  I now embrace who I was and thank him for getting me here and I also embrace the things I used to like as a male... I am still me the only change really is the outside.. I was already a chick just trapped in the wrong package.
FFS is a big step.. all my male features are gone on my face...  Its like a miracle and at the same time so scary. 
The other day when I awoke crying it took me about 30 seconds to come to reality and when I looked in the mirror and was happy to see the face looking back It did not take long to have a wonderful happy day..
All it took was taking myself back to my daily life before transition and realize how I felt..
So I know this is a ramble but just caught me in a talking mood.....
I am posting in the MTF transgender soon about an upcoming event and who I am going with.. Life has so many ironic turns in it but is so wonderful...
So sounds like you are doing good girl.. I know its hard and sometimes overwhelming .. but keep on trucking.....
I can't believe I went from Hormones to full time in thirteen months... but one thing fore sure.. my life is not boring
Luv Ya
Keri

[Rachel]

Hi Keri, thank you. The points you bring up about self mourning is scary, hugs. 13 months and including full FFS and all the other things that happened with your life during the 13 months is a lot to handle, you are definitely a strong person.

Friday
I went to a different electrolysis technician. My regular tech was off. This tech had the amps ramped up and the pain was much more than from the other tech. During the procedure I was thinking I am never going to her again. Then after when I was home I saw how much more area she covered and was very happy. I was hesitant to use a place that is in-network but now I think I will give it a try.

Saturday
My daughter saw my chosen name in the upper right hand corner of my PC. It was a Google account.  The rest of the day went down hill fast. Choose us over FFS and a BA was the theme. I was called ->-bleeped-<-got and ->-bleeped-<- a lot. I am barred from my daughters softball games and graduation. She threatened physical violence but did not do anything.

The point Keri brought up about a quick change can be a lot to handle. I was thinking a lot about this exact thing. She was spot on. For me I am leaning heavily on going slow. 

[TurkeyOnRye]

Saturday
My daughter saw my chosen name in the upper right hand corner of my PC. It was a Google account.  The rest of the day went down hill fast. Choose us over FFS and a BA was the theme. I was called ->-bleeped-<-got and ->-bleeped-<- a lot. I am barred from my daughters softball games and graduation. She threatened physical violence but did not do anything.

I am very sorry to hear that. It would be nice for our loved ones and peers to simply acquire complete and total understanding of our inner-life, but sadly these things take time. I understand that the dynamic between you and your wife has become rather complicated, and that would be par for the course for any couple experiencing what you two are going through...but on the other hand, there's nothing really standing in the way of you and your daughter continuing to have a positive father-daughter relationship (assuming you two had a positive relationship prior to all this) if she can accept you for who you are.

[carrie359]

Hey Cynthia
Well sorry to hear about that I hope your daughter can find a way to see you as who you really are on the inside
Been out shopping with my wife for clothes that look good with my body type
I am short but super thick.
My story is I was a swimmer and I am sticking to it.
This was a big step for me we got bellow ladies everywhere so that FFS money I spent did the job for sure worked
:)Keri

[Rachel]

Hi Kerri, thank you for the support.

I came out to a co-worker this week. He shared some things that happened to him years ago. He is a drummer in a band and clean for 27 years. We support each other when things are difficult and I want to get numb or when he has difficulty dealing with past events. He is very cool and said I know. I asked how did you know and he said he played at a lot of clubs and has talked to a lot of trans and he just knew. He is very accepting and supportive.

I was at a Pride meeting and we were reviewing issues affecting LGBT (patients, families and staff). The Director on the Human Sexuality department finished speaking and had asked if there was anything that we could do to enhance patient, family and staff experiences. I said insurance codes for procedures and in-network Doctors for procedures. She understood and said she will work on it. 

[Allyda]

Hi Cynthia.

Tho I'm not looking into FFS at the moment(maybe some chin shaping and rhino down the line after GCS) my GCS is constantly on my mind. I'm cleared for it but just finding a surgeon who'll accept my insurance has been a nightmare to say the least. Sadly, my GF of 4 & 1/2 years and i broke up last Summer over my need for my GCS which, my being intersexed(female hermaphrodite) will be just as much corrective surgery as it is Vaginoplasty, is overwhelming to say the least. I really loved her and, even after all this time still do, so I sincerely wish you my veery besT

In my case tho it's either have GCS or to me life just isn't worth living anymore. I tried to explain that to my now ex girlfriend but she insisted she accepted me as i am, and I didn't need to change for her or anybody. I explained to her I wasn't really having GCS for her, that I'm having it for me. I've lived with my birth defect for 50 years now and that in itself is too long......... There's more but I don't want to make this all about me and my troubles, lol.
So anyhoo, So again, I wish you and your wife my very best in working things out. It sounds like she's very special.

Ally

[Rachel]

Hi Allyda, I am sorry your GF did not understand and support you. I wish you well and a speedy recovery from GCS, hugs.

My wife is my friend and sole mate. I can not imagine living without her. I can not imagine living as a guy. I know I have been around the last two years partly because I do not want to leave them and partly because becoming myself pushes me from pain and despair to hope and feeling better about myself.

I went to the Therapist, gym and group tonight.

Therapist
The letter for Dr. McGinn will be done next week. I expressed what I absolutely will do and then see if I can live with that. She cautioned that feeling good about yourself is a very compelling feeling for more change. I just want a foothold or some traction.

I discussed coming out to a co-worker and the pride group. The co-worker was super supportive and delt with homophobia and drug addiction recovery most of his life. Pride was very supportive and it was a great feeling getting support from them. I think it was no surprise for some.

Gym

My trainer kicked my butt tonight. I discussed the concepts of the zero belly fat book I am reading. She mentioned all the concepts in the book to me over the past 4 months. I told her she needs to write a book.

Group
The group was small tonight. We discussed old and new identities and how that feels. Cis people do not know how it feels. Also we talked about how long term depression is linked to the old identity and hope and positives are linked to the new identity and sometimes feeling depressed brings back how the old identity feels.

[Rachel]

I had 2 hours of electrolysis today. I fell asleep about 1 hour in and that was when she was doing my upper lip. I had very little sleep this week and was exhausted. Friday was tough and I had a low grade headache all week but Friday was bad. I cried hard while driving home Friday and my head was pounding even with Motrin. I see Dr. McGinn on February 24th with my wife and I am getting scared. I am having bad dreams and I wake up and can not get back to sleep. I have butterflies in my tummy and I am often on the verge of crying.

I had a really disturbing dream Wednesday night. I was on a beach flicking pebbles when 2 scruffy guys and an olive skinned girl were walking toward me. The taller guy took  a huge rock and pounded it in the sand just in front of me. I got up and went to my house on the beach (I wish). I went to the second floor bedroom an shut the door. The olive skinned girl was there naked and beautiful. She was merging with me when I heard the voices of the two guys from the beach coming up the steps. They were loud and very angry. I desperately tried to hide and could not. As they were coming through the door I woke up. When I was laying in bed I had some dark thoughts and just wanted the night to end.

[Rachel]

I think I had food poisoning and was out of commission Sunday-Wednesday. I went to work and then the therapist today but skipped the gym and group.


Therapist
I discussed my apprehension with my appointment with Dr. Christine McGinn. I want to have her look at my face and see what she recommends for FFS. I would like to see what the changes would look like to help determine its effect. Also, what she recommends and can it be done separately over time. Then there are procedures insurance will pay. I want to see if a hairline reduction is recommended and how that will help with my hair restoration. Insurance will pay for hair restoration. Then orch (how long till GCS tissue is no longer available) and trachea shave ( where is the entry point). BA, GCS, FFS, RLE full time and name change is a decision that will be a marriage breaker.

So I need to come to a decision point that can I do transition light or do I need full transition. I know what I want and I know the cost. I need to make sure I can live with the decision and be happy. I do not want to be alone and bitter.

I know I will not pass and I feel my goal is to feel somewhat more whole and be happier. The issue is can I live with that? Will it end?

This is what is on my mind a lot. Hopefully after the consultation I will be able to plan a coarse of action. If things change later then I can alter the plan.

[Rachel]

One of the things my therapist said was the letter she was writing for me will be done and presented to me on the 19th. My appointment is the 23rd. She said the requirements are quite extensive. I do not think it should take more than two hours (stretching it) and it has been 6 weeks since I asked her to write the letter and each week I hear next week. I will need to call the Papillion Center tomorrow and ask if I can e-mail them the letter and send them a check for the consultation. Perhaps they will just have me bring it to the apointment. I will call tomorrow and find out.

If you go for a consultation and need a letter or letters it can be nerve racking. Relying on other people with something so important is very nerve racking.

I need to start writing down my questions and thought process for procedures and sequencing, for the appointment.

[Rachel]

I went to the therapist, gym and group tonight and this is what happened:

Therapist
I discussed the upcoming appointment with Dr. McGinn on 2/23 and the phone call tomorrow from the Papillion center. I think Heather will be reviewing what the consult will be like and what I want to review in the consult and questions I have ahead of time.

I am having a difficult time grasping the reality of the situation. I am excited and nervous at the same time. I can not believe this is happening. I am questioning everything about myself and thinking if I do this then it will mean that and If I do not do this or that can I live with it.

HR contacted me and we will be meeting. I think it is just a check in to make sure I am ok with everyone and to check on my progress. The person I will be meeting with lives in the gayborhood and he husband provides investment counseling to people in the neighborhood and they have very diverse friends.  She is really cool with trans and is welcoming.

I discussed that I am so embarrassed and I feel so awkward about having sex with my wife. I love her and want to make love with her and when I think about broaching the subject I am afraid she will reject me. She knows I lied about having male sex partners and she is repulsed by my breasts (small as they are). I understand her need to be with a guy and I just want her to not be repulsed by me.

Gym
My trainer kicked my butt ad I feel great.

I discussed all that is going on with the Dr. consultation. She advised I breath and take on one thing at a time. She said I am a strong person and that I can get through this.

Group

Two new people joined the group (one MTF and on FTM). The MTF has a very masculine job and is afraid of what will happen in time (just got her scripts). Also where she lives is not a LGBT friendly part of the city.  We all gave her support and advise. The FTM had a fantastic outlook and gave some awesome advise. He has been on T for a while and lived through some of that the new girl is afraid of.

[Rachel]

So today I was supposed to have a phone call from the Papillion Center at 1:30. At 1:45 I called them and they had no record in my chart for the phone call. They said both PA-C's were with child and things are a bit hectic. I was told to just come in on the 23rd for the consult. It was odd because I had a phone consult a few weeks ago and receive  call Wednesday saying it was a reminder of Friday's call. I guess it was a mistake; it is just odd.

[Rachel]

I went to the therapist, gym and trainer Thursday,

Therapist
We went over the letter I have to have to see Dr. McGinn Monday. I did not understand some of the terminology and she explained it to me. Odd reading a letter about myself from the perspective of a therapist. I really have made progress. I am very nervous and anxious. All my life I have wanted to get corrected. I am 42 hours from the consultation now. I discussed my meeting with my boss and HR. The HR person is an ally and will be informing the president of the hospital. I think she will be very supportive. My boss is supportive.

Gym
I reviewed what is going on and she gave me advise. Then she proceeded to kick my butt. She finished off by going over my weight and eating. I said I would make a work week of lunches  this week on Sunday. I was doing a high step routine with heavy dumbbells, 25 per leg. Then I did 25 reps of sitting on a very low stool and jumping up. At the end I sat on the stool and breathing very heavy and exhausted. A trainer (guy who was talking to my trainer, they are friends) was exercising next to me. He finished and said keep up the work, you are looking good. When he said that I looked down at the floor and mumbled thanks. My trainer asked why I did that and why didn't I look at him and thank him. I said I do not know as I looked away. She said I need to look in the mirror each morning and say 3 positive affirmations. I said you know I do not look in mirrors except briefly to do my hair and make sure I am presentable. She said well it is time to start. She just does not understand. It is the same reason I looked down when the guy said I am looking good. I don't look good.

Group
There was a girl that expressed interest in webcamming. A few of the girls had experience in webcamming (either themselves or a friend) and one in a film. Universally we said you got to do what you got to do to survive and we do not judge. Universally, we all advised looking for any job first. One girl had an emotional reaction and the film still haunts her. There was a discussion about sex work and how when someone comes out as MTF that that stigma is attached.

At the gym my trainer said how we are lucky to be healthy and able to exercise (I was really exhausted). I agreed and added how lucky I am to have support at work, still married and have trans benefits. In group I kept thinking I am so lucky. Group has done a lot for me. One thing is to realize I am so lucky.  I rarely feel bad any more for not starting HRT very early. I know what would have likely happened and it would have been a rally difficult life back then.

My wife had recently asked me if I feel like I am missing out on a life with someone like my Physicians Assistant, if we were a couple, fully corrected. I thought for a few minutes. I said no and she said she did not understand. She said you desire guys and you say you do not feel you are missing out on something. I told her I might be happier in one thing but not something else. I said I love her and our daughter and I love our life together. I want to be corrected not leave her.

Electrolysis tomorrow with the technician that turns up the amps and goes fast. It will hurt and I have her next week too.

[Rachel]

Monday I had a consult with Dr. McGinn, Thursday I saw the therapist, went to the gym and group.

Dr. McGinn
My wife accompanied me in the consult. The doctor went over recommended FFS and orchi and GCS. I am not a candidate for the single procedure method of GCS. I need to make decisions and it is difficult. My wife suggested marriage counseling. I will look into that. I have been putting off thinking about the consult.

Therapist
I went over the consult and how difficult it is to go forward and I can not go back. I am twisting a bit. I shard with my therapist the  root of my issue with the sexual abuse I had as a child. I told my first therapist after many months and I told her after a year. The Dr. consultation brought up a lot of past issues, perhaps it was the stress.

Gym
I went over the consult with my trainer. The doctor said I needed to lose some belly fat. My trainer absolutely destroyed me.

Group
There were a lot of new faces. I guess spring will bring a lot of new faces.

[Dodie]

Hey Cynthia,
You still inspire me.. your thoughtful way of working through the issues and making decisions.
I think its smart and sometimes wish I had not moved so fast even though I would have most likely ended up where I am now.. just a chick.
One thing that has happened for me is once you are basically cured of your GID and I am now totally you end up back to a normal type life and wonder what was so hard in the first place.. but its easy to figure that out.all I have to do is go back in time and live a few days as me as male and wow.. I realize how trapped I was.
For me.. I was at a dead end with life.. did not feel motivated to work anymore and was just coasting.. and after a while my business would have failed.
Now, I am on fire to do something..
Just food for thought.. I thought it might give you something to think about knowing more about some of my feelings.
Love you and wish you all the best... every moment of your life,
Dodie

[Rachel]

Hi Dodie,

You are a beautiful "chick". Congratulations on arriving to your destination. I am so happy for you.

Thank you for the food for thought. My GD was up there today. I have heard several people say full transition cured their GD.

[Rachel]

It snowed Thursday, I did a phone therapy consultation. Gym (trainer) was cancelled and I am sure group was cancelled.

Therapist

I discussed that my wife recommended for us to see a marriage counselor. This was after we say Dr. Mcginn for a consultation. I had said why, what would it change. My therapist thought it was a great idea to see the marriage counselor and I should proceed ASAP. My therapist gave me a name of a therapist around where my wife works, Robin Lynk and my homework is to contact her this week.

I reviewed what the hair transplant doctor said which was for A-cell to be used with the forehead lift  to eliminate any scarring. This is a major issue I had with the lift, having a 10 inch scar on my forehead for 6 months before hair graphs.


I discussed that I really need to proceed with my transition. I said I am twisting because I want procedures but my wife is against it, except trachea shave and orchi (if I can still have an erection). She asked what I needed right now the most. I said trachea, upper lip and trachea. I said I needed to do the trachea later due to bundling it with insurance coverage when another uncovered procedure is done. She said I should concentrate on researching the orchi and upper lip and discuss it with my wife and hopefully have a neutral marriage counselor in a safe neutral place to discuss it.  This is my homework this week.