MTF in need of help

[Rachel]

Thank you Mariah and Katie.

The viewing was last night and funeral this morning. We just got home a few hours ago.
___________________________________________________

I went to my Therapist, gym and a hair salon Wednesday morning.

Therapist
I asked if she knew anything about the Philadelphia Transgender Center. She gave me her opinion and she asked I search out references. If anyone has any first hand experience please let me know your experience and thoughts.


I told her I have an issue looking like a guy and wearing a dress or a skirt. I like female jeans, shorts and tops but not going very feminine or I feel uncomfortable. She said do what make you feel comfortable. I am presenting at the PTHC on Saturday with 5 other trans-woman. They are yonder and look good and will be expressing in dresses and I will have mid ankle kakis, a coral top and Toms.  I really need FFS. I just can not be myself like this and it is upsetting.

I told her I was going to the hair salon across the street from my therapist. There are a lot of ally salons in the area. I intended to have my hair evened out and split ends removed. It was 1 year ago the butcher cut 4 inches of hair when I asked for 1/2 inch.

I told my therapist of a dream I remembered from the night. I had stabbed myself in my lower right abdomen.  I had put a patch on the wound and went to the gym and my trainer saw the blood on my shirt and pulled it up to see the wound. She got very excited and nervous. When I awoke it brought back a memory of a Mom that saw bruise marks on my upper arms and lifted my shirt to see my torso covered in bruise marks. She freaked and asked me a bunch of questions. I was scared and told her who did it and then she asked if anything else happened. I lied. The bruises had been something that happened a bunch of times but when she told my Mom it was the last.

Trainer
She checks out my arms and legs for any marks and questions me when she finds them. I had done something stupid with a cryo liquid a few month ago on my arm and she gave the third degree (no pun intended). Now she goes over any bruise and cut. I am clumsy and always have a few cuts and bruises and have to explain.

She worked me hard and I wanted to throw up at the end. It was an intense workout.

Salon

I told the person doing my hair I am trans and what my needs were for the hair cut. She did not bat an eye and was very good. I may try another salon next year that my trainer recommended.

PTHC
I am working the kids camp for 8 hours tomorrow and 4 on Saturday and Co-Presenting/ facilitating  a workshop on Saturday.

This has been a really busy week.

[JLT1]

Hang in there!  Good job on the hair.

I know what you mean about not looking like a guy and needing FFS.  I had those same feelings.  FFS did solve many of those issues.

Hugs

Jen

[Rachel]

Thank you Jen. I was putting off going to Boston to have a consultation with Dr. Spiegel because of my Father-in-Law's poor health. He has passed and the PTHC is over ( I worked the kids camp and our group presented a workshop). I now can look ahead.


I was triggered bad last night but was able to recover. When I came home from the PTHC my wife said my nails look silly, my hair looks silly and I look like a guy in woman's cloths. Then she said she married a man and wanted her husband back then she started crying.   I had just left the PTHC and working with Kids Camp where there were a lot of young trans kids 5-10 years old. That alone was a huge trigger but I was handling it.

At kids Camp I have a few really moving water colors the really young kids made. I have pics of them and may ask permission to post them here.  When I was sitting with the kids one asked if I am a MTF? I said yes and he said I am a FTM. I was moved. Another child on the spectrum asked if I was a boy or a girl. I said some of each.  There were 6 or so Allies there but only one other was trans and she was working with on child the whole time. So I got asked a lot of questions which was fine and a lot of trans kids were sent my way and we painted and drew pictures, played little games and just connected. Having a bunch of kids playing around and on you is a great feeling. I had an emotional and rewarding experience. I was there giving the child in me the love and support she never had. They were a great bunch of well adjusted, supported and loved children. Oh, chocolate banana bread is to die for

The group workshop we did at the PTHC was wonderful and well done 🙂

[Rachel]

I went to My therapists, gym and group tonight.

Therapist
I told her how I got triggered Saturday night. It was the worst dysphoria attack I have had to date. The next day I woke up still suffering a little and it felt like I had a hangover. She reviewed how I need stop the stimulus that caused the attack and what to do in the future. I went over an issue that occurred Wednesday. She recommended a book about the  stages of grief.  She said I can recognize someone's grief stage but it is their grief they must process through it. She said I may benefit from the book too. 

I decided to e-mail Dr. Mcginn and request the details on if and orchi would cause issues with later GCS and if not the process for scheduling an orchi. I also want to schedule a consult with Dr Spiegel this week.

Gym
My trainer put me through the wringer tonight. Also, she sent me some nice quotes to read.

Group
Group was fantastic. I think we had 40.

[Rachel]

Thursday I went to the therapist, gym and group. Saturday I went for electrolysis.

Electrolysis,
I am at hour 35 or so for beard removal. I need another 90 or so hours. This is taking a long time

Group,
was very good again and there were 35 or so there. We need a bigger room.

Gym,
my trainer worked me hard. She started to send me inspirational sayings via text. She is very nice and inspiring.

Therapist,
We discussed how my dysphoria will not go away unless I do something about it. I was at a low point. I told her I really hate being trans and I hate my body and voice. If I get procedures I will be divorced and alone. If I do not get procedures I will be miserable and potentially self destructive.

I spoke to my wife today about how I need to get fully corrected. She started crying saying I would look ridiculous and everyone would talk about me and she could not stay with me.  I said I wanted an orchi and she said she wanted to see a marriage counselor so she could have sex with me again. I have been asking that we see a marriage counselor for 6 1/2 months now she said she can mentally prepare  toward the end of the year. Her Dad died last month and our daughter is going to college in Sept. and she said emotionally she can not handle it now. 6 1/2 months ago she said we would never have sex again. She said should she even invest the emotional effort if I get FFS or and orchi.

When we saw Dr. McGinn she asked the doctor if I had a orchi would I be able to have an erection and the doctor said most likely not. So now she is saying no to an orchi when before it was yes.

[JLT1]

Hi Cynthia,

As you know, I'm still with my wife.  She still goes up and down, one year after going full time.  Expect that. 

Overall, I think you are making progress in your relationship.  Your wife, in some ways, is in transition as well and it's one she really doesn't want to do.  Be patient and understanding.  There is hope.

As far as the orchi, I had one and I still get erections.  It takes time, it takes desire.  But it still works.  It's more a matter of brain vs. equipment.  Most will not get erections because of the dysphoria and it doesn't mentally fee right to them.  There is nothing wrong with that. 

Hang in there!!

Hugs,

Jen

[Rachel]

Thank you Jen. Your support and information you shared with me has been invaluable, thank you.

I have had a lot of dysphoria lately. However, today I had only a brief small issue this morning then I was able to have a really good day 🙂 . I was thinking the "things" that most hurt me when I was very young still hurt me the most today. There are more things now but the core is still the core.

My therapist had to cancel our Friday phone session because she got robbed just before we were to call each other. It was the only time we could talk this week ( she was at training) and next week because she will be on vacation. She was ok from the theft but was shaken up and had to make out a police report. It will be a very long 2 weeks.

My wife scheduled a marriage counseling session for 7/7/15. I am really apprehensive. Addressing issues is not my strong card. I am trans, in transition and I need to get corrected. So how can I not be the issue in the marriage? How can we survive together or separate? How can I get through this if I lose half of me without her and half will be lost if I do not get corrected?  I really do not see an answer or how it can fixed. How do you compromise on being corrected? it is not like it goes away, it just gets worse.

I am going to work a table for work tomorrow at an LGBTI rally in the gayborhood. It is the 50th anniversary of a march on city hall and with the recent marriage equality ruling I expect it to be a big event.

Group was packed with no seats of floor space available. Because our PTHC workshop went so well Mazzoni may support several workshops at William Way. I really want to go to the William Way group meetings too and may in the future. There is a lot of momentum and thoughts of inviting city wide groups to participate. This could be really exciting and a lot of fun.  There is so much need and material we could work on.

A work project is not going well. They will be working on it tomorrow and they will text with updates. Tomorrow is a make or break day. "I am on thin ice" to quote my boss. I am worried but confident it will work.

[Rachel]

This has been the second week without my therapist, she is on vacation. I will see her Thursday. I want to text her but I do not what to bother her.

My wife and I are seeing a marriage therapist Tuesday. This will be difficult for both of us. I am not looking forward to addressing the issues. I want to get fully corrected and my wife wants me to go back in the box. In March she said an orchi, tracheal shave and hair correction was ok. I really need my face corrected too. I wanted to schedule the orchi and now it is off the table. I want to get my hair corrected and that is off the table. I feel numb and do not want to continue if I have no hope. I have difficulty making decisions that will have huge impacts, small impacts too for that matter. I think about easier ways out.

Mazzoni is not able to take new patients. They are overwhelmed with the numbers of trans seeking help. Group is full each week. There was a trans woman who was in distress and was crying. She was stating what we all go through and it was spot on and very heartbreaking. Then we gave support. One trans man said something that was one of the most beautiful things I have ever heard someone say to another person. Then a trans woman spoke up and said she constantly thinks about suicide and gave detail. At that point I was wiping my eyes and I could not give support because I was choked up.

Last Sunday I was in the neighborhood and a guy was following me and saying "stuff". I tried to shake him but he kept up. he started to get more verbal and I started to get nervous. This went on for a while. I could not duck into a Starbucks or the like because he would follow and then he would get close. I finally ducked into the 12th street gym. He waited at the door looking in. I pointed at him and the receptionist picked up the phone. He darted away. I  looked out the door and went the other way and then to my car in a parking garage.

My trainer said I need to get assertive. She then said welcome to your future. She said there are people at the gym that could help me with this. Perhaps I should do that because I avoid confrontation to an extreme.  She also told me what she does. She is very assertive and gets aggressive. She has dealt with the creeps. She also said I give off a wounded animal vibe and they pick up on it. I prefer to think of it as a dear in headlights. She said I should take self defense classes at the gym.

I will be in the neighborhood tomorrow but there will be a lot of people this week 🙂 I will be staffing a table for work during the celebration.

[Rachel]

I went to my therapist, gym and tried to go  to group Thursday.

Group,
was cancelled because the AC for the high rise building was down 🙁 . While I was talking to a friend on the corner of 12th and Walnut a guy got verbally abusive requesting sex. He was loud and shouting. When he got close he got quieter but persisted. We just kept up the  conversation and ignored him. He just kept walking.

Gym,
I had no energy left at the end of the session. I think that session was one of the most draining.

Therapist,
I went over what was happening over the past 2 weeks. I went over my apprehensions over the marriage counseling this Wednesday.

I went over two days in a row when my dysphoria was bad and I had little sleep. One day I had an impulse while drive to work for 2 or 3 minutes. I was able to think about something else and the issue ended.

I went over some really personal things and she helped to put them into perspective.

I went over the lunch table jokes some of the guys were saying and how they are not funny and I do not get the joke. She said people who suffer sexual abuse do not think those types of jokes are funny. I actually fell asleep at lunch because I am so board. She said I needed a new cohort (female) for lunch. I know where so people eat in another building and I think I will eat with them Monday.

[DuckyAlexis]

Hey Cynthia,
Haven't seen any updates in a while. hope everything is going ok.

[Rachel]

Thank you DuckyAlexis, the last two weeks have been difficult.

I just got back from my therapist, gym and group.

Last week was difficult. On Wednesday my wife and I went to a marriage counselor. She was chosen by my wife and is very opinionated and direct. She recommended we split up. She said she provides counseling for trans but had difficulty relating to some of the things I said yet had the standard lingo and used it on me.

I am really lucky to have my therapist, group and my trainer (we talked last week and I did not work out) and Susan's. I did do one stupid thing and was lucky. Group was wonderful and I had 30 sisters and brothers support me. We have a close group with a good sense of community. That really made a difference last week.

I felt that I could not post in the forums what was going on. I felt isolated and I did not want to post what I was feeling, thinking and contemplating and what I had done. I did not want to be a GM falling apart and going to pieces on the forums. That was a mistake. I should have PM a few for support.

We went back to the marriage counselor last night and reheard the messages from last week. There was a lot of emotion but this time was different. I realized what she was saying was right. There is a point where I transition when I will be alone. There is no one in the world I will ever be with other than my wife so at some point I will be alone, I will lose my daughter and my soul mate.  We love each other deeply but my wife is not lesbian and she is embarrassed to be with a trans-woman. It is not her fault, it just is and she can not accept me when I have procedures. We will always be in each others life, love each other  and occasionally see each other. This is incredibly sad and heartbreaking. I will always be there for her and help pay expenses.

It is not "Always Sunny in Philadelphia". If one day at a time is too much then one hour or one minute.

Hugs,

Cynthia

[Mariah]

I some how missed this post last night, but was wondering how things went. I'm glad things are sorted out to a point where you know what lies ahead. Big hugs
Mariah

[JLT1]

Thank you DuckyAlexis, the last two weeks have been difficult.

I just got back from my therapist, gym and group.

Last week was difficult. On Wednesday my wife and I went to a marriage counselor. She was chosen by my wife and is very opinionated and direct. She recommended we split up. She said she provides counseling for trans but had difficulty relating to some of the things I said yet had the standard lingo and used it on me.

I am really lucky to have my therapist, group and my trainer (we talked last week and I did not work out) and Susan's. I did do one stupid thing and was lucky. Group was wonderful and I had 30 sisters and brothers support me. We have a close group with a good sense of community. That really made a difference last week.

I felt that I could not post in the forums what was going on. I felt isolated and I did not want to post what I was feeling, thinking and contemplating and what I had done. I did not want to be a GM falling apart and going to pieces on the forums. That was a mistake. I should have PM a few for support.

We went back to the marriage counselor last night and reheard the messages from last week. There was a lot of emotion but this time was different. I realized what she was saying was right. There is a point where I transition when I will be alone. There is no one in the world I will ever be with other than my wife so at some point I will be alone, I will lose my daughter and my soul mate.  We love each other deeply but my wife is not lesbian and she is embarrassed to be with a trans-woman. It is not her fault, it just is and she can not accept me when I have procedures. We will always be in each others life, love each other  and occasionally see each other. This is incredibly sad and heartbreaking. I will always be there for her and help pay expenses.

It is not "Always Sunny in Philadelphia". If one day at a time is too much then one hour or one minute.

Hugs,

Cynthia

Hey,

Hugs!!!!

I'm so sorry this has happened.  You are a wonderful, caring person.  Remember that!  Anytime, PM, email or call.  I am here. 

Jen

[Rachel]

Thank you Jen and Mariah.

I realize when I am not able to cope it is gradual and always followed by days of very little and no sleep and being in a situation I can not resolve.  I begin to focus on the issue and everything else gets pushed aside and I can not escape.

In two weeks I will participate in a mindfulness class before group for two sessions to see if that helps. I am hoping I can shut off or shut out the issues before it gets to the point I can not think about anything else and restore balance and perspective.

My wife wanted a 2 week no trans discussion and it has been a lot less stressful. I have an appointment for 8/31 with my PA-C for medication. I think I really need a way to deal with spontaneous impulses when things get really close, I have little or no sleep from obsessing on issues and am in pain. Feeling numb is not what I want. I went decades self medicating and I can not take that. I want to feel and have emotions.

I went to the therapist, gym and group Thursday.

Therapist
I have a meeting Tuesday with HR. My therapist went over topics to discuss. I will make a list and an agenda for the meeting. My therapist gave me some fantastic things to discuss that I would never have thought about.

I went over the issue that recently occurred. We discussed how I impact others and the value I bring into their life. Even if I was divorced and had very limited contact with my wife and daughter I would still provide a lot for them monetarily and they need it. Also at work we went over how my teams would change and how that would impact them,  patient care and research. I understand all that but it is different when the it happens and I just try to get through it and then it is too much and an opportunity present itself. It is like a three day event that just get worse and worse until something stops it. 

Ok, enough of that. I realize I need to get a coping mechanism when it happen and get sleep! I don't want to do something stupid and I really have a lot of things to look forward to and I am so very very lucky. I really am very fortunate.

The last topic my therapist said was that in 5 years all this will have been a blip and I need to think about that.

[Rachel]

I meet with HR Tuesday, my boss on Wednesday and therapist on Thursday.

The meeting with HR went exceptionally well. Well to the point I was in shock. It caught up with me Thursday on the ride home from my therapist. It sunk in. I am still feeling the effects. I can not believe how well supported I am. They offered a newly hired transition team head who has a lot of experience. There were 5 questions my therapist recommended I ask and they answered them with overwhelming support. When I asked what about bathrooms I was told that if I come out as trans and use my preferred name then I would be forbidden to use the men's room from that point on. I was not expecting that. I have absolutely no dysphoria over bathrooms. I just assumed I would be able to choose and not be told. Point being I never though about it and I was surprised. I am apprehensive and I most likely will use the single stall bathrooms. I do not want cause an issue. I look like a guy and it is embarrassing.

I have a friend in Finance and we go over finance issues each week. She said she would use the bathroom with me and it is not an issue.

Thursday on the ride home I had a really bad dysphoria attack. It had been 2 weeks since my last bad attack and I thought I was ok and did not need my appointment at the end of the month for medication. My trainer told me too exercise and I was going up 28 flights of steps each day, walking and going to the gym. I was feeling really good. This attack was on par with December 2012. I will keep my appointment at the end of the month for medication.

I have a lot of self hatred and resentment toward myself for not coming out sooner. ( I am not crazy) It is as if there is a very hurt and angry person inside me. The overwhelming support at work sunk in and I really hate myself for not being able to make a decision and sticking to it all my life. I realize I really want my wife and daughter in my life but I want to be myself too. Is that too much?

[Mariah]

Cynthia, it's not to much to ask. It's hard to be torn between two things that result in conflicting choices, but in the end it comes down to which choice you can live with most. It's clearly becoming you being your authentic self is the one that is crucial. For me it was an easy call, but for some with other baggage coming in it's not so clear cut. In time, I can only hope that you get to keep them in your life even if it's a different relationship than it's been. Hugs
Mariah

[JLT1]

Hey, 

Mariah is correct.  However, keep working on your wife.  If not as marriage partners, at least as friends.  You can keep your daughter in your life...

Hugs

Jen

[Rachel]

Thank you Mariah and Jen. I will always be friends with my wife. Married is my wife's choice; I will never give up on her. My daughter I hope will some day accept me.

I went to the therapist, gym and group Thursday.

Therapist
I went over the HR meeting and that a transition coordinator was assigned. We meet next week with the Senior HR business partner.

I told her about the dysphoria attack last Thursday night. ( I do not have multiple personalities) I was so angry with myself and there was a lot of self hate. I am so unbelievably supported at work I was in shock. I was so angry with myself for not doing this a long time ago. For not making a decision and doing it a year ago. For putting myself through hell, for abandoning myself. For pushing myself down and letting myself always be pushed down and drowned out. For abandoning my promises to myself and lying to myself.

I told her I will schedule an orchi. I called Dr. McGinnis office and I need a second letter. I am working on getting the letter.

Group
3 trans woman I am friends with are leaving and going up North. I will miss them but it is a good thing. We said our good byes.

[JLT1]

"Therefore, I forget what lies behind and push forward to what lies ahead..."

Hugs

Jen

[Jayne01]

Hi Cynthia,

I just finished reading this whole thread. Wow! You have come a long way since your first post. I was hoping that things between your wife and daughter would go a little better. You might find you end up having a better relationship if you are separated. You can be free to be the person you are and your wife won't be putting herself in the closet, so to speak, by being forced to live in a lesbian relationship when she is hetro.

I am 42, married, no children. I'm still way behind everyone else here as far as knowing who or what I am. I spend pretty much every moment I am awake imagining my life as a woman, but then suddenly I snap and think "what the....! I am a man!" It's like I am simultaneously male and female. Truly messing with my head. I have been seeing a therapist but he has no trans experience. I am on a waiting list to see a gender therapist. Hopefully I don't have to wait too much longer.

Anyway, I just want to wish you all the best and hope things work out well for you. As others here have mentioned, your posts on here are helpful to others. Thank you.

Jayne