MTF in need of help

[JLT1]

Love is messed up, isn't it? We have only a partial choice.  We love whom we love.

Don't push for the papers.  Let her get them in at her own time.  Its one thing to think or even ask for a divorce.  Its a whole new reality when one starts one the paperwork.

Hugs

Jen

[Rachel]

Hi Jen, thank you. I agree she does not want to do this. In the end I think she will follow through.

I had my first clearing for GCS at the Papillion Center today. Heather administered the local. She looked me over and said I do not have much scrotal tissue to work with. She did not comment about my penis which was hiding. Then she asked if I ever had laser there and I said no. She said I do not have much hair there. The electrolysis took 2.5 of the scheduled 4 hours. Lori was very nice and at the beginning I explained how uncomfortable I was and she put me at ease. You go in and undress then put a paper barrier over you lap and a few minutes Heather comes in and administers the local. There was a few minutes of "discomfort" then I was numb

I have 5 more appointments but I think they will eventually be brief appointments.

They are 20% cheaper then the place I go to now for my face including the local and are 2 miles closer.

The staff are very nice. Mondays are very busy with consultations and surgery patient post operation visits. I was there on a Wednesday and I was the only patient there. The place had a totally different feel. It was relaxing.

I can not believe I am doing this. It feels surreal. Now I know I am doing the right thing. Last night I sept very little. I was thinking about how others will see me and think of me. Just nerves last night. I was worrying about will the room be cold, how embarrassing it is, how much will it hurt and will the electrolysis hurt. Everything was fine.

[Rachel]

******* Trigger Warning **************

I went to the therapist, trainer and group Thursday.

therapist
I find myself smiling a lot when I discuss my transition and what is next. There was an issue that was something that we discussed that hurt. Last week after group I was walking with two transwoman and one said you can not walk with us. Immediately she said just kidding. My therapist wanted me to bring it up in group. I just could not do that. She then suggested discussing it with the person that said it. Perhaps I will.

Group   
Group opened up with a check in. One person shared that a group member died earlier in the day. She turned 28 that  day. We went around the room remembering her and sharing about her. It was an emotional and sad group session.

[Rachel]

I saw my therapist, trainer and group Thursday.

Therapist
I went over the name change information with her. I called the County office to find out the costs and process. The forms are filled out and ready to go and have been for a month. I discussed with her this is an inflection point. If I do the name then everything else will need to be done (face, hair, voice and BA). There would be no turning back. She asked if I wanted to turn back and I said no. She then said what is it. I am afraid of what others will think. She asked how it is going so far. I said fine, there are no issues ( except divorce). She said then why do you think there will be an issue. I said I do not know. It is a feeling.

group
Two medical doctors joined group this week.

[Rachel]

I went for a consultation with Dr. Spiegel Wednesday. Thursday I had a phone therapist meeting, gym and group.

Spiegel Consult
I was impressed with the office ( clean and perfect) and staff (friendly and professional). I got an estimate for FFS.

Therapist
I discussed how I have not had suicidal ideation since going full time and started to put my transition in gear. I expressed how expressing feels good. I enjoy buying cloths and mixing and matching. I thought I would never feel that way. In the Philly and Boston airports there were people the looked and stared and some said something to the person next to them. I really do not care.

Gym
My trainer took it to another level. I almost threw up from the last exercise, lunges with weights. I had to go so far it just took everything out of me.

Group was packed. There were so many people there we could not fit another person.

[Rachel]

I am ticked off and this may be a rant.

I asked my insurance company ( Aetna) to pay for the GCS down payment and they responded that payment is only after the pre-approval and after the procedure. I then said I wanted to add to the procedure a BA and do they expect me to pay $35,000 up front? Next I said my 1 year RLE is 11/13/16 and my surgery is 11/15/16. Can I expect to be pre-approved before my surgery (2nd request)?

Next I asked how to start the pre-approval process (2nd time).

Then I asked how I  can submit FFS for pre-approval. They do not cover FFS but I want to submit it (2nd request).

I may need to reschedule my surgery date for GCS and I most likely will need to do FFS after GCS.

Anyone who has dealt with Aetna for trans surgeries can you please give me insight from your experience,

thank you,

Rachel

[PrincessButtercup]

Wow, so much helpful information in this thread. Rachel, you've certainly been through quite a bit in the last few years. It was very courageous of you to share your experience.

[Rachel]

Thank you Princessbuttercup.

I have my name change paperwork done, finger prints done and ready to file at the county seat. I am a little reluctant because I will need to stand in front of the court and discuss why I am changing my name. I also have to post it in news papers and then go to three departments in the county seat and have searched done 2 days before the hearing.

Part of me feels reluctant and part of me feels ecstatic. When I do the name change I will need to do have other things done to align myself ASAP. Coming out 100% and expressing and changing my name at work was a step doing this will be a series of steps.

Need Help
I need to fly to Dallas in April and be with 40 to 50 Hospital Directors and VP's form like hospitals from around the country (I will be using my preferred name there) and fly to Florida in mid March. If I file now My court date may be March 1st and my plane tickets and license are in my dead name. What if my name change screws up the plain tickets. Then there is my credit cards and bank account and direct deposit. I do not know how this will work. Anyone that has gone through this please share your experience.

Thanks,

Rachel

[MaryXYX]

That is so much more complicated than our system!  I had to fill in a form and have a lawyer witness my signature.  I don't know about your system but if the plane tickets and your ID are in the same name it ought to be OK.  Can you present male for the flight - to match your ID?

[Rachel]

Hi Mary. I will not present male for the flights.

I flew 2 weeks ago without a problem and had on an awesome sweater, purse and tight jeans and female coat. I am obsessing about the possibility of  having my name change and having everything else in my dead name. I thought about taking copies of my decree but TSA may have an issue. I am getting psyched about changing my name . Should I use my dead name ID and all else and just change everything when I get done in March?

[MaryXYX]

I really don't know much about the USA systems, but I would think changing everything as near to the same time as possible would be the best way.  I have heard that a lot of people have had problems with TSA.

[JLT1]

Hey Girl!!!!

Been there, done all of that.....

Name change:  It's a formality.  Don't worry.  No one reads the notifications anyway. (The judge told me congratulations ans she wished me well.) Get at least 3 certified copies (I got 6) of your court ordered name change.  Call the airline as soon as you get the  copy of your copy of your name change.  Tell them what is up.  They have a procedure.  They will need a copy.  Delta was fine with a FAX.  They can help with other travel concerns.

You need a new drivers licence. Talk to the airline first but you will probably not get it in time. Request expedited licence. Tell them why - you are flying for work.  MN was OK with it...   

Get a hold of Social Security ASAP.  They need a copy the name change.  You will get a new card. 

Call the passport office.  Tell then what is up.  Request an expedited passport.  They will decline. Blame the state and state you need an ID.  Show them all that you have done.  They yielded for me - four days and I had a new passport.  It's a good ID.

Keep a copy of everything with you at all times.  Included your letters for HRT, bathroom (if you had one), you surgery letter, every correspondence and every application for a name change. - EVERYTHING!.   

I faxed information to all my creditors. I faxed everything to everyone.  It's a lot of faxes....   I have a fax number at work for the three credit bureau.  I'll send those.  You need to contact everyone you have a bank account with and everyone you have a loan with. Basically, every entity you deal with gets a copy of something....

I did the majors and then did one a day for a couple months.  Things still pop up.  I still keep one cop of everything with me in my computer bag.

Money:  If you don't have it, borrow it from your 401K.  It that doesn't work, use "Prosper" - on line.  Rates are competitive and they don't report to anyone you don't want them to....  might help for some reasons.  Helped me.

We have won a few appeals with Aetna for FFS coverage.  I need the text from our policy.  It will take some time.  But we will win.

It is a great feeling..I still look at my drivers licence...

Hugs!!!!!!

Jen 

[Rachel]

Mary, thank you.

Hi Jen, thank you. I will file at the county seat ASAP.

Dr. McGinn is on maternity leave so I cannot get the last day I can get FFS without causing a difficulty with GCS on 11/15/16 for a little while. Dr. Spiegel is on vacation so I can not find out if he recommends my reduced scope of FFS. I want to hold off on a face life and neck lift and I want to do the Adams apple with voice later.  I will send you a copy of the Aetna Trans benefits. My employer has trans benefits in addition to Aetna but not face. I may hold off on FFS till after GCS if I can have insurance cover part of the cost. Dr. Spiegel's office sent me a contact for financing for 5 years. I have a 403B I can borrow from.

[Rachel]

Yesterday I went to the therapist, gym and group.

Therapist
I went over my current progress, thinking and plans for surgeries.  I plan to submit the name change paperwork no later that 3/18. I will try to do it sooner.

I went over last Friday driving home. I usually do not get into feelings but I did yesterday. I explained that I sometimes I think about losing my marriage, wife and probably my daughter and think is it worth it. I know I cannot go back but sometimes think of the cost. then it turns to me seeing myself at different ages and how I promised myself I would stop the pain. I have the same pain now and I get emotional. I was able to get out of it after my 1.5 hour drive home. The personal cost of transition is regrettable and I must transition.

Gym
My trainer was in a funk. She is very caring and helps one homeless person by the gym. There are so many homeless by the gym and she can not help them all. She feels overwhelmed.

Group
One woman was suicidal and it took the group to our own feelings of suicide. Group was ended early and the last 15 minutes was a grounding exercise. One of the therapists followed the woman to the bathroom and helped her. Both therapist were attending to her after group. She had recently lost her job for being trans and is working with the legal part of the agency to go after the ex-employer. So many of the woman lose their jobs when coming out it is scary.

[Rachel]

I missed group this week to cut up my neighbors tree that fell across my driveway, in the dark. We had a bad rain and wind storm.

I missed my therapist this week because she was sick

I went to a divorce mediation for financial. I will send a rebuttal. I pay for legal representation through parole deduction and will have them review the proposal when it is in a more completed state. I will also have it reviewed by a LGBT lawyer in the gayborhood. She is reported to be very good.

I proposed a two part FFS to Dr. Spiegel as opposed to his original proposal,  he agreed. Now all that is left is to schedule. Dr. McGinn (actually Heather) stated I can have FFS up to 6 weeks before GCS. I am going to line up financing as well as pursue insurance coverage via appeal. I have help from a member of Susan's and I am in the process of getting the actual insurance policy document from work.

I have the name change paperwork ready for submission. I may do it next week or the following. I have to fly in March and early April so I think I can submit now and get the hearing after I return in April.

When I submit the name change paperwork then FFS, hair correction and a BA become something I really want to do. GCS is most important for how I feel and is needed yet no one will see my bottom. Things are weird now that my legal name is xxx and I go by Rachel at work and elsewhere. When I write a check or see my bank account it is as if I feel I am going backwards. I just want it to end.

[Rachel]

I scheduled FFS for September and I contacted a lawyer to review the divorce binder from the mediator.

When I called Carol from Dr. Spiegel's office I just scheduled the procedure. I usually ruminate on things for a while but this was something that I just did. I wanted to do this for a long time and I just did it.

[Mariah]

Rachel sometimes we just need to do things and have to go with how we feel about it. There is nothing wrong with that at all. I have done the same and often I'm not one to jump early on doing something, but tend to drag my feet instead. Hugs
Mariah

[Rachel]

Thank you Mariah.

Monday I have my second clearing for GCS at Papillion. After the clearing I am going to file my name change paperwork. The local for the clearing is very painful and takes about a minute or two each side. I am a little scared about filing my name change paperwork and also very excited The fear is because when I change my name it is a part of my life change and I never did this before. If what happened so far is an indication of the future then things will be ok. I am excited because I know it is the right thing to do and I have wanted this for a very  long time. I feel very proud of myself for doing the clearings and the name change.

My therapist was again recommending I get active in a social life beyond my wife. She suggested I post a meetup and lunch or coffee meeting. I finally admitted to her I am very awkward in one on one new social settings. I have a pretty low self esteem and I am really into science and engineering and not into sports or politics or religion. I usually have very little to say in a new social setting. She suggested I join a hiking club at William Way for LGBT, that was a big hit and I will definitely do that. I can be very social in groups when I get comfortable and I love hiking.

[Rachel]

Name change request paperwork filed after my second GCS clearing. I obsessed about filing my paperwork for months. There was nothing to it and everyone was nice.

When I was done my electrolysis I was told my next session would be reduced in time. It was 1 hour 45 minutes today ( I just don't have much hair there). Heather administered the local and asked if Dr. McGinn told me it will be a one step or two step GSC. I said two step and she said good.

I added BA to my GCS and Dr. McGinn will size me after the next clearing. I finally gave up hope for anything larger than A.

The esthetician gave me a hug when we were done. She is so nice and we talked the whole time again. 

[Rachel]

My wife and I had our final financial divorce mediation last night. She will file divorce suit paperwork this week. The agreement is getting close and I suspect we will come to an agreement soon.

I asked the mediator what will happen if I change my name in the middle of the divorce? She said they would amend the paperwork. My wife asked if I was changing my name and I said yes. She had some comments about liar and always hiding things from her. 

In PA the alimony rules account for pre-existing conditions. I itemized procedures and my cost and requested that be considered and offset some alimony.   I elaborated that three licensed social workers and a doctor has confirmed my need. My wife said I agreed not to do the procedures. I said that was to remained married and you are divorcing me. She then said these procedures are not planned. I then pointed to three and gave the date the procedures will be done. she was very upset and said some things. I did not respond.

My wife asked why I did not tell her all this. I did not answer. I had reviewed this with my therapist. She asked what would happen. I said she would get very upset and say a bunch of stuff. She said what is to gain and I said nothing is to gain. She recommended that I would be divorced by the time the procedures are done and I do not owe her and explanation. I did not expect this to happen.

I feel very bad for my wife. I love her and she is my best friend. All things change and placing value in the permanence of our relationship has caused pain with both of us. Our relationship will change. I intend to remain friends and help her every way I can. She may not want me or my help in her new life.