MTF in need of help

[JLT1]

You take care and heal...

Hugs

Jeb

[Brianna Deanna]

Yeah just sit back REST heal and feel better I have no doubt you will be very pretty

[Rachel]

Thank you Jen and Brianna for your support.

I was able to take a shower and clean up a bit. The instructions say to limit talking.i did talks bit today and I definitely feel it. I also ate some so that may have caused the soreness. I should have figured the cutting in the mouth and work on the jaws was going to be extensive.

Sunday I was questioning why I did this ( I threw up all Sunday and took no pain meds). Ok, it is Monday and I feel better. I did give GCS and the BA November 15 a second thought. So why ffs? I did it for me. I did it because I hate being misgendered. I have eyebrows now and when I was cleaning my face I sat beck just to look at them. I smiled and that hurt. It sounds dumb but it felt good. GCS and BA in  2 months time I really do not look forward to the pain but it will be well worth it to be corrected. The ffs pain has not changed the need to be corrected at all.

Rachel

[Dena]

Not sure if you are home, but things like chicken an rice could become a soup with a little stock and a blender or food processor. Try eating soft things like soups, cream of wheat and if nothing else, use the blender or food processor. My roommate needed extensive dental work and was without teeth for a month so even meat and vegetables went through the food processor before serving.

[HappyMoni]

Rachel,
I'm so glad the surgery hasn't affected your fingers and you are still chatting with us. You do sound way too lucid for what you have been through. lol Am thinking of you and hoping you don't look worse than me about two months ago.
Make sure you behave and don't overdo.
Moni

[JLT1]

I drank protein shakes.  Atkins worked well.  Just kinda slid right down.  Full of vitamins as well.

Hard time but worth it.

Hugs

Jen

[Rachel]

Thank you Dena, Monica and Jennifer for you help.

I am staying at an extended stay in Boston. I went to the breakfast buffet this morning. I needed to get out of the room. I had some serial which I let soak in the skim milk. It was nice to get out of the room. I am feeling pretty good with the exception of the pain in my face which is manageable.

I have soup and a nutribullet in my room with protein powder and frozen strawberries and blueberries. I feel up to making food today.

When I was in the dining room this morning most everyone looked. I am pretty immune to looks at this point. Having bandages wrapped on someone's head is a valid reason to look so it does not bother meal all.

I would really like to know what I will look like without the bruising and swelling. I have to admit, yesterday when I took the bandages off yesterday I gasped and got a little upset. It is a lot to take in.

I know tomorrow will be even better yet.

[JLT1]

Mine was messy for 10 days.  In the end, it was 6 months for all the swelling to go down.  But I had a real good idea at 2 weeks, even better at 4.

Opening the Christmas present a little each day, trying to figure out what it is.....  very difficult.

Have confidence in the surgeon. Have confidence in you.

Hugs,

Jen

[Rachel]

HI Gen, thanks you. Today the swelling below my eyes started to go down and I am feeling better overall.

Some things about the operation. There are two nursed that insert the IV before you walk into the OR. They had an issue with me, no surprise. The gave up and got the anesthesiologist. She and her  PA-c were able to insert a small IV. They had to have me put my arm down so the veins enlarge. This is normal. I got stuck 10 times or so. The PA-c said she would put a larger IV in when I was under but the original IV was in so she must have had trouble. My bloodpressure is 100/60 with 52 pulses per minute resting combined with small rolling veins and not drinking anything and my veins are hard to get.

The OR is smallish probably 300 square foot. I was in the sixth floor older part of the hospital. it is more than adequate for the surgical team. As told I would be talking then wake up in my room. Dr. Spiegel came up later and as he said he talked with me in the PACU and I would not remember.

I threw up just a little and was given oxi and Tylenol. I would fall asleep then wake up. Two days felt like a very short time. There was no night or day, just time for meds and sleep. Peeing was an issue. They gave me a quart jug type of thing that I could not use. So they put a hat in the toilet and issue resolved.

Sunday going home I had no meds and got nauseous. All Sunday I threw up and took no meds. Monday I felt better and started meds but no oxi. Anyhow I will flush the oxi Thursday at 3 when I am having my phone therapy session.

Being alone is difficult. If I could I would have had antinausia medicine Sunday and felt better much earlier. Other than that I am able to take care of things with the help of the extended stay.

As per the woman at the front desk at the extended stay, which are very nice. They said my swelling at this point is very good comparing to a lot of other women that have been here.

I hope to walk a little tomorrow and get some pizza in a shop I found. The pizza is so good and I can not wait. EI still need to be carful about chewing so I may not go there.

Pain with Tylenol is a 1 or so at this point so things are looking up. I have my spirits up again.

[MaryXYX]

Lots of women have had surgery, but you are a hero for talking us through it so openly.  Thank you for your inspiration Rachel!

[Rachel]

Hi Mary, thank you for the kind words and encouragement.

I flushed the oxi today during my phone therapy session. My sister actually recommended I keep the oxi for later use. She said that is what she does. She has a addict in her house that overdosed 3 times this year and my brother was oxi and a meth addict. That is complete insanity. I felt good flushing the oxi and not using it. I won this one.

No Tylenol today and the pain is a 1. I see Dr Spiegel tomorrow to have the staples and stitches removed and when I land tomorrow night HRT yay .

I see my Pcp Monday and I think they got in delestrogen so I should be IM monday night, fingers, toes and legs crosses.

I told my therapist that when I removed the bandages Monday I gasphed and hung my head down. I saw the dried blood, stitches and staples and swelling and bruising. I felt so ugly and actually said out loud what did I do I am ugly. I was a little emotional but stopped at crying.

I told her I am way past that point and realize the stitches, staples, swelling and bruising will go and eventually I will see what I will look like. Female looking would be great and a little cute would be awesome. Here is to hope. Right now I look like  frankenRachel.

I expressed some concern with going home tomorrow night.  I will go to a hotel with the first hint of aggression. I am pretty vulnerable about the ffs right now and I know what she says verbally is out of anger so I need to just ignore anything verbal. I know that everyday I will get a little better from the ffs.

Rachel

[HappyMoni]

Rachel,
Good for you for steering clear of the meds. You will need to be patient with the face. Don't jump to conclusions. I learned to try to stay even keel with it, not to high or low. I go back for three month check in a few weeks. Some aspects take a long time to change. I will ask about some revision. Hope you don't have to deal with that. You don't deserve to deal with anyone's negativity especially after going through what you have just gone through. Warm thoughts coming your way.
Moni

[Rachel]

Hi Monica,

I can not believe it has been 3 months already. Thanks for the advise.

Dr. Spiegel did fat graphs to certain places in my face. He said the swelling will go down then 3 months later the fat graph will plump up. I really do not know what means what with my face. If there is a very small bump on my brow mean anything at this time, I suspect not. I will ask tomorrow what should I see or feel to make sure everything is ok and what is going to take time.

I really do wish my wife had moved before this. I wish the agreement was signed months ago when I said it does not make sense to wate. When I get home Saturday I will go to the bank and present my copy for a home refi or a new loan. Monday I will send HR a copy of the agreement and request they divide the pension and 403b as per the agreement. That will allow her to buy something nice. Then she will get alamony too. So she is economically secure and I have a lot of life insurance too. I love her dearly and will miss her. I know wish means I should have just done it or put it another way. I feel guilty and I will have to live with what I did and how I did it.

One thing I have learned in my transition is to face my fears and get thing done. Prolonging things and ruminating about things does not relieve the pain. I have learned to be brave in my self.

[Rachel]

I am home and my wife was fine, I am surprised. she asked to see my face and I said how about tomorrow when I can remove the wrap during the day (for next 2 weeks). My daughter is taking the train back from school and my wife is picking her up at the station now.

Travel was exhausting. For the last week I took it easy and today was a lot of things happening. Had the stitches removed flew home and then drove 95 through Philly during the end of Friday Rush hour. I am a bit sore in the face.

Tomorrow I will shower, dress and show my wife and daughter my face. I need to go to the credit union tomorrow with the agreement and get an appraisal scheduled.

ok, when I showered today I was drying off and checked my scrotum and the area around where my penis shaft skin connects to the mound for hair. I have some hair ( not much on the scrotum and just a very little on the mound within 1/2 inch and I was bummed out. Dr. McGinn checked me out about 3 weeks ago and asked if I had the hair removal. I replied I did 6 treatments ( as they recommend) and said it is not bad. So am I making a mountain out of nothing? GCS and BA in 5 weeks.

[Rachel]

So my wife and daughter saw my face. My daughter said nothing and my wife just made a little face of disapproval. I guess 99.99% of what I thought would happen was just in my head.

I need to wear the bandages just for sleeping for the next 2 weeks and stay propped up with my head above my heart with two pillows for 2 more week. I have one area by my left temple that is painful to the touch and the rest is very manageable. I purchased a skin care kit at Spiegel's that will help my skin, keep it healthy and supple. I also purchased a product to fade the scares. Which means a morning and night skin care regiment.

Surprisingly, everything is going well.

[Dena]

It wasn't in your head as your wife said she didn't want to see you after surgery. Your wife may not realize it but the world didn't end when she saw your face. I can't say it's acceptance but it is tolerance.

[Rachel]

Dena, you are 100% correct, it was not in my head.

My wife did not cry or get angry. She perhaps has tolerated that I am going to be me.

My daughter was going back to school and came over and said you need a hug, then we hugged. That was the 1st time she initiated a hug. I had tears in my eyes.

FFS update
I had a bunch of FFS procedures. One was lower blepharoplasty. I still have dissolving stitches in my lower eye lids (in my ear canal opening too). Excess skin was removed and where the upper and lower lid come together is where the excess skin was removed. On my right eye there must have been more skin removal than the left eye. Anyhow it is irritating when I blink.

My upper lip was shortened and fat injected. There is some minor pain when I smile.

Inside my mouth where my mandible and chin were accessed still have dissolving sutures and hurt when I eat and touch. The mandible is swollen.

My temples are swollen and hurt to the touch. The forehead stich line has some periodic pain.

Lower chin is numb and tight.

I had a lot of stiches removed from the back of my head left and right and that has relatively no pain.

I have been back on hrt for 24 hours. 

I sound different but then opening my mouth more than an inch hurts.

ps. I lost 12 pounds in the 8 days since the surgery. I guess it is the Spiegel diet

pps. The left side of my face mandible and chin had more work them my right side. There is significantly more bruising on the left side. My mandible and left far cheek area were different then the right side. I could see it but it was subtle. I could feel the difference in the mandible before the operation. When the swelling goes down I can not wait to see how the doctor did.

[Rachel]

I had a PCP appointment for my GCS and BA. My doctor loved the work that as done and said I looked much younger. At work I received some complements and I got Ms. in the cafeteria

I e-mailed Carol at Dr. Spiegel's about my right mandible gum stiches and I think 4 inches of incision opened up but I seam to remember that is the way it was for a while. Anyhow, I want to find out if it is correct or in need of a repair.

I went to My PCP to go over the paperwork for GCS and BA. Jefferson did not forward Mazzoni the results. So they will look into it and call me. My Doctor wants me to call Papillion  to make sure they will accept that the cardiologist refused to do a stress test stating I am too healthy and the test would be a waste. I will call tomorrow.

It was a long day and I did not sleep much last night. I am tired and my lower face is a bit achy tonight.

[AnxietyDisord3r]

I hope you can get some rest. You seem to be very busy and doing it all yourself. Your body needs a break to catch up, I think.

[Rachel]

Hi AnxietyDisorder3r, thank you for your support. I will get to bed a little earlier tonight.

As requested I called Papillion today and spoke to Lori ( she is very nice and had done my 6 clearings) I told her what the Cardiologist said about the stress test and that he said I did not need one. She said she would talk to Crystal ( Dr. McGinn's PA-C, original one) and see if it is an issue.  I also explained I had FFS on 9/15 and that Dr. Spiegel said I could do 30 flights of steps in the morning 3 weeks after the operation. Which would put a stress test earliest date as Oct 3, if I can get an appointment. She said I would need all required tests done (stress is if Crystal says I need it) and in their hands by Oct 15.

Tomorrow morning I will start my day with 5 flights of stairs. I have been walking 1.3 miles at night and about 2 miles at work.

FFS was definitely a good thing and I feel much better about myself. I have no second thoughts or remorse. I need to warn those that have extensive FFS that when you take off the bandages there is a huge emotional response, at least for me.

Dr. Spiegel said the jaw issue is ok and just keep using the rinse.

Nothing is easy. I will just put one foot in front of the other.