MTF in need of help

[MaryXYX]

Ah, sorry - you must have said your ex lives with you already but I had forgotten.  You do have people here, and I hope local to you, who will support you.

You might have to fall back on "I need to do this to stay alive".

[HappyMoni]

Rachel,
   You are looking at an adjustment period like you have never experienced. Of course you are a bit uneasy. I might suggest that you mentally block off a chuck of time after surgery, and call it adjustment time or something. It really is a time that is different than how the rest of your life will go. Give yourself time to adjust without a whole lot of conclusion making. It is a time with circumstances that won't last, so why stress it. Take the pressure off so you can start to enjoy your wonderful new body. On the flip side, try to enjoy this time where you can. It is an amazing change that you will never experience again. I look back on my FFS and despite the painful parts, it was quite cool to experience.
Moni

[Rachel]

Hi Mary, I am hoping she just accepts it. I think she will be a little upset but we are divorced and I really need to be me. I have been wanting this for so long. If I postponed it would be crushing. I definitely will lean on the people hear if needed. Thank you for your support.

Hi Monica, I would do FFS again in a heart beat. I would bring anti-acids and that Sunday would not have been so horrible ( I will bring anti-acids for GCS). When I took off the bandages I really wish someone was there with me, that was really tough (FrankenRachel). I am starting to like my face and the male face is gone, finally. You are right GCS/BA will be a wonderful experience of a lifetime. CIS will never experience the change.

[Rachel]

I have most of my supplies for GCS or they are on order. I still need to pick up the sitz bath insert for the toilet. Walgreens had a bunch but I had gotten enough stuff yesterday. I figured I would recheck my list and get the remainder next week.

I purchased pads for myself for the first time

I ordered the #3 and #4 dilator form soul source. Dr. McGinn provided the first two. I ordered 12 tubes of surgilube water base from Amazon.

Question, what size sports bra should I get for after the BA? I will be a full C 39 inch under breast. 550 cc implants.


After my daughter goes back to school I will discuss the surgery date with my ex wife. 

[CarlyMcx]

You will probably need an XL for the sports bra.  I am a 38A  (37  inches under bust) and I wear a large.

[Steph Eigen]

Sounds like you'll be a 40C, probably need a 2X.

[Rachel]

Carly and Steph, thank you and I think I will order one of each and return one that does not fit

I told ( reminded) my wife last night of the GCS and BA date. All she said was you look like a freak and will look more freaky. I do not know why that was so so hard.

20 days till GCS. 6 days till no more E and P for 4 weeks. 19 more days till no more spiro for life. I have wanted to be correct since I was little. So many tears and so much pain over the years. It just does not feel real. It is like being in a dream. Everyone at work is supportive which is something I never expected. How can this be reality? How could I have gotten things so wrong? I was told by a friend in HR that 4 years ago this would never have happened, we have a new COO and she heads the diversity group. I will not take what has happened for granted.

[Steph Eigen]

I'm about a 40 A and an XL is really tight.  Check with the surgeon to see how tight the bra needs to be.  Immediately post op, I'm guessing an XL, which will be pretty darned tight, would be very uncomfortable.

[AnxietyDisord3r]

Wow, this sounds really momentous and emotional for you. Sorry to hear your ex is still trying to cut you down. Apparently everything in your life is all about how it makes HER feel. What a negative person. Savor the good parts of this process. It was so freeing for me when I got top surgery. I couldn't have done it without my wife's help and support, though. I had put it off so long I had close to an emotional meltdown trying to set the surgery up.

I find it so silly they make you stop hormones before surgery. I could see if one set of hormones or the other was stopped, but sooner or later some physician will recommend stopping any exogenous hormone. So T is so terrible ... but E is so terrible. Seems like transphobia not science. My GP didn't make me stop T for my surgery and ... nothing happened! (I did of course stop aspirin and all similar drugs.)

[Dena]

Estrogen increases blood clotting which is kind of a good thing for me. Without it I leak all over the place if I get a cut. With it my bleeding is more controlled.

[Rachel]

Hi Steph, that is a god idea. I have a pre-op on 9/14 and I will ask. I can order it and have it shipped to my sisters where I will be staying when I get out of the hospitals.

Hi AnxietyDisorder3r, I asked a few people I really trust and my therapist today if I look like a freak and if I had breasts would I look more freaky. I got a lot of different answers. All of which were not what I wanted to hear.  I came to the conclusion I am in transition and look as such; when I have breasts, hair and voice done I think I will look ok. Most importantly I will feel so much better. My wife made me put into perspective my fear. She knows freak is a trigger word for me. I am not a freak, I am in transition and look as such.

For FFS Dr. Spiegel wanted me to stay off hormones till after my flight home landed. He said the cabin pressure could cause a dvt. With GCS there is a long period of inactivity and clots could form.

Dena, thank you for your support.

I visited my trainer at the gym tonight after therapy. She is such a wonderful person. I look forward to working out.

[Rachel]

I received the #3 and #4 dilators in the mail today from Soul Source. They cost about $50.00 each. Dr. McGinn supplies the #1 and #2 dilators.  I also received a dozen tubes of Surgilube water base lubricant ( what Dr. McGinn recommends) from Amazon. It was much cheaper than buying it at a dug store.

Tuesday I have a presentation and I think I will wear my new pair of boots

Wednesday I am off E and P.

When I did my intake in December 2012 I never thought I would be at the point of GCS some day in the future. I was just trying to get through each day.

When I was getting dressed for work Thursday morning I thought I would wear a specific outfit that I like. I realized I could pick out any outfit I wanted, work appropriate, and wear it. I then realized there is nothing blocking my transition. I have done what at one time was impossible for me to do by myself. It took me breaking down from dysphoria to seek help. I hated myself and wanted to end the pain. When I was starting my transition I heard people say they are the same person before and after, in some ways, I am a very different person.

[MaryXYX]

You are different, you are stronger and more confident.  I'm sure there are a lot of us here thinking of you as you go to surgery.

[Sharon Anne McC]

*
Rachel Lynn:

You are all guts, all glory, all good.

This is your turn now.

You experienced your ups and downs, gains and losses. Yin and yang.

Four years was a long time when looking to your future and a short time looking to your past.  In days, as your post-op life advances, you will be you for real.

Keep these memories always.

Your family and friends of shared experience is here.  Lean on us, lean on me.

Congratulations!

*

[Rachel]

Hi Mary, I agree I am so much stronger now compared to before. Thank you for your support.

Hi Sharon, everything you said is so true. I definitely will lean on my shared experience family. Thank you for your support.

Tomorrow is the last day for hormones for 4 weeks. I know I can go 3 weeks without hot flashed and that included spiro for FFS. I now can keep taking spiro till the day before surgery then I will never need spiro again. I really dislike spiro.

Other woman reported that not having gonads after GCS is a lot different than having them shut down on spiro. I guess they still produce some T? My T is below the test measure of 3 ng/dl. Time will tell.

I think I will take some tops and sweats to the hospital and even wear them at my sisters. I will bring a loser pair of jeans and perhaps a pair of shorts. My sister heats her house mostly with wood so it can get warm next to the stoves. Crazy I am stressing over cloths. I was thinking I should bring makeup and perhaps my wig. Am I off base? I will go from the hospital to my sisters and then to the follow-up appointments. When I wear my wig and light makeup I look  like a different person and feel better

I was walking the steps this morning, 300 feet or so and thinking. First I thought wow, only 15 days away then 11 days for my last day at work. Next I thought my daughter asked when I first came out why I could not continue hiding being trans till I died. She then followed it by saying she did not believe a person can be trans ( she was 15). I wish there was a way I could explain to others how wonderful it is to be yourself or how horrible it is to hide and have T. Then I reached the top of the building and had that feeling I did it.

[MaryXYX]

I wear a wig all the time.  I'm slopping around at home today in scruffy clothes I wouldn't want to be seen in, but I have had my wig on all day.  Two of the other women rang my bell today, collecting the money for the Christmas Dinner.  They saw me scruffy, but with my wig they saw 'me'.

I had lost interest in relationships well before I had my correction, but it really changed the way I related to men.  I went rather quickly from a sort of male confidence to female vulnerability.  I also went from having no interest in men to seriously considering finding a boyfriend.  Unfortunately that doesn't seem to be feasible at my age.

[Rachel]

Thanks, I will bring the wig!

Guys, I would really like to meet an nice person. When appropriate I will join a bunch of groups in search of fun, common interests and a possible companion.

[HappyMoni]

Rachel,
   Somebody will be lucky to be with you Rachel.

   You talked about your daughter not understanding why you couldn't hide forever. I thought of a good analogy the other day. It goes like this. I would ask," If you had a toothache that bothered you for a long, long time and it caused you great pain, would you go to the dentist and fix it or live with the pain forever? I'm thinking you wouldn't live with it!"
   Speaking generally, until people step into the transgender simulator and experience what it is like, they have no right to judge us. I am hoping in your daughters case, that the fussing about it stage will give way to acceptance with a little time. It will be the new reality. Some folks take more time than others to come to terms with that. Stay strong!
Moni
PS Thanks for the congrats!

[Rachel]

Hi Monica, I like your analogy and I think I will use it. Again, I am very happy for you

I took my last dose of E and P for a month tonight. I will reread my GCS/BA instructions tonight and double check my shopping list. This weekend I will shop for the remaining items.

I had my blood redrawn for white blood count Friday. Papillion called and when my blood panel was taken my WBC was high and they want to make sure the WBC is normal. They said it is not an issue with gcs but it is an issue with a BA. I will call and see it everything is ok.

When I contacted Aetna to make sure I was pre-approved for the BA and GCS. The reply from my handler was I was approved for the GCS and one day hospital stay. I copied his reply in my reply and asked if I was approved for the BA and that I wanted to appeal the one day stay. I copied my HR representative on the E-Mail. The Aetna handler copied what Dr. McGinn wrote and said that is all she requested. She did not request one day. I called Papillion and was told it is an AETNA protocol and the hospital will call when I have the GCS/BA and have the days increased to three.

My issue is he copied my HR representative and copied an excerpt of what Dr. McGinn wrote with respect to the GCS which one part said to correct a intersexed condition and then some cpt codes. He then said the BA is covered by work(where I work includes BA not Aetna). I feel really embarrassed and avoided my HR representative when he was in the office suite. I really wish the Aetna handler got his facts straight and did not copy others on my medical information. Sending my HR rep what the Aetna guy said is a whole lot different than the Aetna guy sharing my medical information. I do not want to make any waves and just want they surgery over with at this point.

Apprehensions
Technical difficulty. (When McGinn examined me she sat back and said I think I can do it. Then explained the difficulty)
Infection
dilating
pain
pain meds
The 1st day back at work

Excitement
Being as I see and feel I am.

[HappyMoni]

Rachel,
I have Aetna and everything I read said no coverage for BA. I know you have a different coverage with where you work, correct? I got the feeling that experience has taught McGinn to be very upfront with potential problems. I like this honesty actually. If she thought she couldn't have a real good chance of success, don't you think she would have been forceful in steering you away from the surgery? She pointed out my previous hernia surgery as a potential problem for blood flow. She then went on to say that it was still doable. I felt like she was saying, "You are an adult, you should know everything I (she) sees and that is how you need to decide whether to go forward." If she was really pessimistic, she would express it. What you think?
Moni