MTF in need of help

[Donna Elvira]

I forgot to add, it is cliché but it is true:
a journey of a thousand miles starts with one step

And to be honest, once you get going one step is about the same as another in the long run. Eventually you will be transitioned, looking back and wondering, when the last time someone called you by your old name or 'sir'.
The journey is not the destination, but the journey is as important as the destination. Do not forget to stop along the way and smell the flowers so to speak. Really understand the male privilege you will surrender and see how male privilege effects women everywhere( and you) going into your life as a woman.
There is so much more to transition than changing wardrobe, genitals and hormones.

Hi Cynthia
I couldn't agree more particularly regarding the last point "really understand the male privilege you wil surrender...." In my previous post, I mentioned how being trans and going through a transition gives us a unique perspective on lots of things. One of the more obvious ones is finally understanding how women are treated by society. For example, I'm too tall to feel physically intimidated by most guys but overall, living as a woman, I definitely feel more vulnerable than before and am a lot more careful now about the places I go to.

At a far more subtle level, one of the things that has amazed me most is what happens in a group context. My friends, both male and female, have been really supportive about my transition,and I continue to see them all regularly presenting and going out publicly with them as a woman. In France, dinners with friends are central to social life, both in people's homes and outside. Apart from eating and drinking, at the table we will chat, debate, argue about stuff for hours....What I have noticed since changing is that in such a context, the guys around the table pretty well monopolize the discussion with far less contribution from the ladies unless they all get together at one end of the table and talk among themselves. I had really never noticed how flagrant this is until I was on the receiving end.

Among my more comical recent experiences in this regards was a lunch in a restaurant with my best friends of almost 35 years, my 24 year old son and my wife, two guys versus three ladies. My friend, who is a few years younger than me got into a conversation across the table with my son about the potential of cloud computing and the two of them pretty well prevented anyone else get a word in. The situation was all the more comical as I am personally working on the implementation of a cloud computing project for the company I am working for but neither of them was really interested in that. I am definitely  interpreting here but I really think that, unconsciously, neither of them considered for a second that I, or any of the other ladies around the table might have anything interesting to say about the subject, or any other subject for that matter...

That particular incident really hit me and when I thought about it afterwards it also came to my mind that I really didn't care and that this has also been one of the bigger changes in my own positioning. I don't know if it is one of the Knock-on effects of HRT or my own assimilation of what I believe to be typical female behaviour but at the end of the day, I am far more happy in these sort of situations to sit back and let the others do the talking only getting directly involved if I really have something important to say. For people who have known me a long time, that it a huge change.

It does make me wonder what will happen at work when I join the "females" though, especially as we are a tiny minority of the staff. Will I still be taken as seriously as I am now or, unconsciously, will my mostly male colleagues react like my best friend and my son??

I don't lose sleep thinking about this as I am still far happier in my present persona than before but it has been an eye-opener.
Bises
Donna

[Rachel]

Male privilidge and the gender, identity power triangle are important concepts in Kate Bronsteins book "My Gender Workbook". Where I work the tides are turned in all departments except two. I happen to work in one of the two male dominated departments. Our department leadership is all male ( or so they think) leadership. Now it not only is 25% female but it is a T-Girl. I am quiet in meetings but speak when apprporiate. I will lose some respect and power in that group. The department, well, I will take a big hit there too. I love what I do, where I work and the people I work with; yet I need to free myself from the hiding and be me. I really dislike the false me.   

Went to the therapist today and we discussed and rehursed talking with my wife about HRT. This is a biggie and on my mind a lot. I need more work on the topics but there is a plan.

Reviewed the reasons and rehursed coming out with the Boss. She did not endorse the initial reason for disclosing and I then came clean. My boss scares the hell out of me. He can control and fire me. I seek his approval and seek his friendship and would be hurt if he rejected me being Trans. I think he will welcome me but this is a big risk. He may not be able to keep the secret from his boss the president. I would be ok if the presiden knew too. The therapist said it was opposite to what all the t girls do. I said I do not want to hide anymore and I need the bosses welcoming ( I think he will be a strong alli) in order to feel safe and if he rejects and fires me( little chance) then I will know. He may hide his dislike and pretend to understand ( binaies do not understand without knowledge) and smile like nothing has happened ( start looking for another job). I will ask my HR alli her opinion tomorrow.


There was a T girl art show it the William Way LGBT center today. 20 or so paintings of clients by a Trans artest. There is a computer there with their stories by the persons painted telling their stories. Three paintings evoked real feelings, all are of people in transition. Their eyes remind me of my eyes, sadness, a very deap sadness. One painting was topless and showed breasts growing and made me reflect and feel. I think of these paintings over and over. The Therapist asked if I wanted to be painted when in transition. I just looked at her with my blank expression and thought of the eyes. I did not respond nor feel. 

[Rachel]

The HR Alli referanced me to a Senior Benifits Analyst who explained our benifits with referance to Transitioning. She was fantasitc, an Alli and knows a bit about being trans. There are 13 disclosed trans, 2 in transition and 1 soon to be where I work. I disclosed to HR 5/28 will be my physical transition HRT start date    . We reviewed disclosure to my boss with HR and she agrees it would be good.

Volunteered to be part of a HR benefits study ( we study everything at work).

Reviewed HRT with my wife, the reason why and the benfits and 0-6 months physical and mental effects. She does not want it to happen but understands the reasons and wants the mental and emotional benefits and does not want me to be in pain. 

What a week. I went to super head achs, close to vomiting and not eating lunch many times to a sense of is this real, pinch myself to make sure it is not a dream.

[cynthialee]

 

[Rachel]

When 20 my parents thought I was gay. I wore designer jeans, had longer hair, wore fitted shirts, was very very thin, contoured my eye brows, wore panti hose under my jeans with shaved legs, guys hit on me at college and my parents on three occasions said they loved me no matter what. It was there way, I guess, of saying be myself.

The 5 people I came out to, other than health care and therapist, are supportive.

My wife does not want the HRT but understands and wants me to not be in pian. She just asked to be informed when I start.

I have been called ->-bleeped-<-, homo, queer and more when in college. When in the student activity center I was even referanced and accused as the reason there is aids, by 4 persons.  I was so shamed I then changed my life and hid the then awakening me.

Last night I realized it was me who was holding me back my whole life. It was me being afrade. It was me not wanting to be different. It was me causing all the pain inside. It is my fault. Society is not to blame ( although, they are bigoted and hurtful for the most part) for me not being myself. I am responsible for myself.

I promise to myself; I will be me and I will let those in my life know who I am.

[cynthialee]

that was epicly awesomer

[Rachel]

Went to the therapist today and let her know my wife and i discussed HRT and she wants me to not be in pain and just wants to know when I start. Also, that she would prefer i did not but undertands that I do. Also, yesterday, my wife asked if when on HRT would I not want to go to Home Depot and instead shop with her and did I want a purse and showed me a pic of a super fine butt and asked if I wanted that (on me). Also asked if I would want to be with guys. I reassured her I love her, would always go to Home Depot amd I am happily married to her.

Practiced coming out to the boss and set a deadline.

Doing team building getting peticures during lunch Monday with 2 female and 1 male team members. Butterflies abound.

My headaches are somewhat less and sleeping somewhat better. I really want to start transition with open arms and no reservations, full dose.

[cynthialee]

Prior to transition I did not have the patience for shopping. Now I don't mind it so much. Probably has something to do with me always having to walk by the things I wanted to purchase in the past. Now I just buy what I want and don't worry about the world.

[Rachel]

Came out to the boss. He was very supportive and a alli.

His concerns are to remain effective, remain employed, coming out well to the Department ( in a year) and he asked how the men would take it ( I have an all male staff). I said they will be fine and that I have very thick skin and have been called homo, ->-bleeped-<- and queer in the past and I can deal with it. So the guys at work will be a walk in the park.

He asked what it is like ( Universal question) to be trans. I shared with him a bit of what god has given to me.
He asked that if he makes mistakes to not be offended. I said I would not.

We talked for 45 minutes.

Funny thing, as we were walking to have the talk we came face to face with the HR alli, there were some looks like are you going to have the talk? I e-mailed her after to let her know and that he will be contacting her.

A lot of things going in the right direction.

PS. I want to buy cloths so much it is not funny but I want to measure out the information to my SO.

[cynthialee]

SPIFFY!!!

[Rachel]

Went to the therapist today and reviewed the details of letting the boss know. Lent the boss 3 books to review, Whipping Girl, She is not There and My Gender Workbook.

HRT in 5 days, reviewed feelings and excitement.

Went over passing; I would have a difficult time. Instead, have an open mind , experience the change and be who I want. Went over the Trans* art gallery and how it impacts me.

I am soooooo looking forward to HRT. I have a meeting with my Boss that day and I am sure it will come up. I will reassure him in a year, if I am still on hormones then we can review if I will come out.

[cynthialee]

I was pretty sure I would never pass. Nowadays it is a rare occurrence to hear 'sir'.

Transition is powerful stuff.

[Rachel]

I went to the Mazzoni center this afternoon and I have the Spiro and Estrogen, full dose. The dutasteride is on hold until tomorrow pending DR conformation.

Meet with the Boss today and we had a chat, a little more about Trans* and the spectrum and HRT and confirmed that I am starting today. Also, it would be a year till I came out if I stay the coarse and not increase, decrease or stop.  I explained who and why I disclosed to those I did and the importance.

Started HRT!! yay

[cynthialee]

It has been a bit of a wild ride hasn't it?


Congrats on getting your HRT. Big step to be sure.

[Rachel]

Thank you for your help! I really appreciate the support.

Yes, a wild ride so far. I was a mess late November and December. I was at zero with lots of pain. I have a real milestone, an accomplishment and something to be proud about. I met my fears, survived and from the ashes creating something new. What, when and who are yet to be made. I have been true to myself at last. I feel really good about doing what I felt needed to be done for so long.

I have a feeling the big girl ride is about to start.

[cynthialee]

What a wonderful way to start my day.

You should go back and read your old stuff and compare it to your newer posts.
There is a world of difference. Obviously transition is a good idea for you.

If you ever are in Spokane WA let me know. The first round of coffee is on me.

[Rachel]

It may take a few years but I will most likely get to Washington State and I will make it a point to meet.

Went to the therapist today and reviewed HRT and celebrating the milestone. We looked over the past and reviewed the immediate future. I need to inform the SO I started HRT ( tonight). Reviewed working on connecting to my feelings and emotions. We went over stopping to feel and connect with what the feeling is telling me. Feelings and emotions and connecting them to me is going to be hard work. Went over family ties ( very few) and when to disclose. They are, lets say, anti Queer. So, I will lose my brother and brother-in-law and distance my sister. Well, perhaps knowing a T-girl will give them a real example and not some television false representation. If I do not fit into their life then it will be they who turn away.

Got rejected for dutasteride (sp) by insurance and paid out of pocket. Good news is I have it now and internet here I come. I have the script, dose and under physician care for it.

Can not wait for some chest sensations. Tummy has been in butterflies for 24 hours. So much excitement! I am really proud and thankful for the outcome from the last 6 months.

Tomorrow will be what I make it; it feels so good.

[cynthialee]

Your family might surprise you or they might not.
Mine did. I expected a mass negative reaction and I got acceptance. Even from my cousin the Elder Jehovah Witness.

[Rachel]

Went to the therapist today and reviewed:

1st week on HRT and present feelings, anxiety is gone and how the fog is gone,

Trans Health Conference next week,

Shopping to be reviewed next week,

What to wear at the Trans Health conference,

How I see myself while having sex, inadequacies of how I presently am, how it affects my desire for sexual relations and how to realize those feelings when I suggest and have sex with my SO.  Big issue.

Future physical changes,

if I alter the plan  or terminate HRT,

Having moments of complete assurance and then apprehension about the future. 

Getting a trans* sex link from her to see how trans girls have sex with others. I have mechanic questions due to my SO not wanting me to transition due to loss of sex.

[cynthialee]

nods...

every once and awhile my spouse and I have sex
I am almost 4 years into transition and 2 years post orchi and things still function if I want them too. Most sex is in the head.