MTF in need of help

[Allie]

Hello ladies it's been a while. Cynthia Michelle I am happy to hear you are still moving forward and finding happiness in your transition. I love reading all the other ladies chiming in saying how much your story affects us. The simularities of what we go through while transitioining is amazing, all different backgrounds, situations but the feelings and fears are there.. even the little victories!!

Cynthia Lee is correct in saying the spouse will be viewed as a lesbian, that is my wifes biggest hangup. She is really trying to figures this out, I believe it is just as difficult if not more difficult for the spouse. What I mean is that they are really kind of stuck reacting and then dealing with what they may find objectionable. I was told by our couples therapist that I need to start acting like a woman and not just do things like men do. I am still having trouble with that one 

Cynthia Michelle so of course I have my gender therapist, the wife has her own therapist, together we have a couples therapist and our son now has a therapist. We are trying to figure out how to go through this and keep our marriage with therapy and truth, I think we really have a chance. But the main thing is that my wife is trying, she knows I will never go back... I CAN'T!!!

On a funny note I have had a gay man I work with approach me too and make a comment that would have freaked me out before, now I just laugh. Ahh hormones

[cynthialee]

As the spouse of a trans* person I can attest to the fact that it is indeed harder to be the spouse than the transitioner. My transition is no big deal to me. But my spouses transition messed with me ALLOT. Especially when Sevan started testosterone...Yeah that was a challenge!
I married a person I thought was a woman, and a very feminine woman at that. But that is not true. That uber woman exterior was an attempt to give the world what it expected. Turns out I married a gender queer. Not a man or a woman. Society trains us how to be in a relationship with a man or a woman. You get the instructions everywhere you look in the common society. But there is no instruction manual so to speak on how to be in a relationship with a gender queer. It was a challenge for sure, but I think we have it figured out.

[kellizgirl]

Cynthia,

My name is Kelli and I am 42 yrs old and can relate very well to were you are at right now. I am just a little further behind and am just starting to realize who I am, I have built a life on a lie and now if I were to be truthful and tell everyone I am a woman it would be a destruction of epic proportions. My wife knows and is seriously freaked out and I am going to a counselor this week. I can continue the lie and everyone will remain unscathed or I can be truthful and wreck their worlds, what do I do with this? I am scared as HELL!!!!

[LordKAT]

You can effect their worlds but you cannot make or break them. That is on them. You can be yourself and happy bringing joy with you and you can ease them into understanding you. You can be miserable and living a lie and bringing that pain with you. You may be able to do  either well, but you do what is right and the world will follow.

[Rachel]

Kellizgirl, therapy is the place to let all your fears known and express all that you want and need. We have a difficult existence in the shadows and there is a lot of pain addressing what we put off or could not face in our earlier life. If you need someone to talk to post on Susan's, here in this thread or PM me. You are among supportive friends.

Allie, LordKat and Cynthialee, thank you for your insight. I am heading into the storm and I needed your perspective on how a spouse feels, thank you. I will keep it in mind.

Went to the therapist today and we discussed:

1) Went to the movies with the family, something about time travel, and I cried through most of the movie. When I got home my daughter said (twice) it must be from the female pills. My wife said to me I wonder if she snooped in your drawers?

2) Guys commented on my gray to blond hair. I am using vitamin C (liquid) on my scalp to see if it helps with hair growth and I expressed such.

3) Guys at work asked about my hair and how long I will grow it and I said mid back, got some looks

4) Wife told me I needed a hair cut and I said I will not (she said it twice). Then she said do you want it my length and I said I do not know. I want it upper back.

5) Daughter is studying anatomy and compared the face bones I have and named each item and said I have a famine xyz. This went on for 45 minutes. Mu wife was egging her on. I turned off the computer and just sat there emotionless. I got up and went to bed very early and then proceeded to cry. I cursed that I was born and all those responsible. My dysphonia is raging and I am mad at my wife for egging her on. I said I would not come out to my daughter but this is hurtful. I told the therapist I had heightened dysphoria ever since the HR rep was welcoming. I admitted to her with my guard down what I wanted. It just came out. Now with the female comparison by my daughter I have very bad dysphoria.

6) I told the therapist I wish I was never born. I also said the negative column outweighed the positive column. In the past I would have very negative thoughts but now I know it means I need to even the tally. I need some more positives.

7) My wife, I lied to her when I married her and I lie to her now by not telling her my whole truth, sex, sexual relations, sexual relationships and what I really need to be me. I need to grow.



Ok, I am on a 24 hour head ach even with Motrin. Funny thing my wife and daughter act like last night did not happen.

[MaryXYX]

I was told by our couples therapist that I need to start acting like a woman and not just do things like men do. I am still having trouble with that one 

Not sure about that, but I don't think I thought about it.  I just act like the woman I am.

[cynthialee]

Cynthia,
Your daughter obviously knows and is trying to egg you into coming out.

So you have a transsexual medical history. Yes it does seem rather daunting and overwhelming at this point.
Once I got over the humps and settled into my new life the stress levels have seriously gone down. But most of my stress was informed by gender dysphoria. You know this song and dance, sing it along with me....



I can not promise that your family will not go ape->-bleeped-<- if you transition. Can't do it. But honestly that is on them.
What will really change for them in life in the grand scheme of things?
They will have to alter the pronouns and proper personal name that they use to address you and speak of you.
That is all! That is it. They only have to change one simple thing in their lives when dealing with you.
What do you have to change to feel comfortable enough to not want to self destruct?
Name.
Hormones.
Wardrobe.
Physical Body.
Voice.
Deportment.
Learn social and verbal female skills.

You will literally have to change everything about you and how you deal with the world. They have to change the name they use for you.
For anyone to claim that it is simply too much of a challenge for them to "go through" your transition then they are selfish and unreasonable. You have to do all the work. And furthermore we make it easy for them to remember for gods sake! We are dressed like women, we talk like women, we look like women....is it really so hard to say she, miss and ma'am?

[Allie]

I don't know but I have been very fortunate coming out to my family so far. Pretty much my wifes whole family knows and has been so supportive. I came out to our oldest (my stepson) and he was great, he wants to be my protector. Still have mom, that's going to be a tough one, I was figuring after the holidays but she's already hinting that she knows something is up. We will see what happens, just taking it day to day.

Work on the other hand has been increasingly stressful, I continue to get comments on my apearance. I am not ready to come out at work but the way things are happenning it maybe sooner than later.

Cynthia Michelle I don't recall if you asked your wife to go to couples therapy but to have someone that can provide impartial help between you two would be a benefit. I agree with Cynthia Lee your daughter knows. These comments don't naturally come up in casual conversation.

Cynthia Lee I am hoping that you are right... that things will get easier. Giving up was never an option and I am happy moving forward but it does suck!!

[Rachel]

Last night my wife and I spoke for 1.5 hours about the severity of my dysphoria the last few days. She does not understand the depth and breath of the "disorder" and how her and our daughters comments hurt. I explained everything I see and hear gets filtered to female attributes. 

She will not go to therapy.

She does not want me to present or disclose.

She married a male heterio in her mind and now she finds out I am bi and female. I died to her.

The negatives way out number the positives. I have had a head ach now for 2 days and I know why.

At some point I will find the answer, soon. I just know I need to pay the price. The odd thing is 2 weeks ago I was thinking I feel great and now this. It has been a year since my coping mechanisms failed and I had a choice then too.  Growing up and defining your identity is an emotional roller coaster. Putting everything on green a second time is really against the odds of coming out unsaved.

[KabitTarah]

Last night my wife and I spoke for 1.5 hours about the severity of my dysphoria the last few days. She does not understand the depth and breath of the "disorder" and how her and our daughters comments hurt. I explained everything I see and hear gets filtered to female attributes. 

She will not go to therapy.

She does not want me to present or disclose.

She married a male heterio in her mind and now she finds out I am bi and female. I died to her.

The negatives way out number the positives. I have had a head ach now for 2 days and I know why.

At some point I will find the answer, soon. I just know I need to pay the price. The odd thing is 2 weeks ago I was thinking I feel great and now this. It has been a year since my coping mechanisms failed and I had a choice then too.  Growing up and defining your identity is an emotional roller coaster. Putting everything on green a second time is really against the odds of coming out unsaved.

I'm impressed you've been able to go this long without coping mechanisms. Mine failed when I came out... and the lack of coping has gotten worse and worse.

On the other hand, your wife isn't being fair to you. Has she had a year of this as well? If she cannot go to therapy with you after even a few months of being out... then she needs to find her own therapy. This tells me she's trying to control who you are for her own gain (what seems like a slowly failing marriage).

To me, it sounds as though you are feeding her denial by trying to make this work and save everything. Saving everything loses everything... saving what you can means losing something.

[MugwortPsychonaut]

Last night my wife and I spoke for 1.5 hours about the severity of my dysphoria the last few days. She does not understand the depth and breath of the "disorder" and how her and our daughters comments hurt. I explained everything I see and hear gets filtered to female attributes. 

She will not go to therapy.

She does not want me to present or disclose.

She married a male heterio in her mind and now she finds out I am bi and female. I died to her.

The negatives way out number the positives. I have had a head ach now for 2 days and I know why.

At some point I will find the answer, soon. I just know I need to pay the price. The odd thing is 2 weeks ago I was thinking I feel great and now this. It has been a year since my coping mechanisms failed and I had a choice then too.  Growing up and defining your identity is an emotional roller coaster. Putting everything on green a second time is really against the odds of coming out unsaved.

What I'm going to say will probably hurt, and I'll probably regret it as soon as I press that "post" button, but I really believe it: Your wife is holding you from your dreams for her own selfishness. You're better off without her.

I understand very well that it's not that simple. It never is. But, it kind of is, too.

[MaryXYX]

What I'm going to say will probably hurt, and I'll probably regret it as soon as I press that "post" button, but I really believe it: Your wife is holding you from your dreams for her own selfishness. You're better off without her.

I understand very well that it's not that simple. It never is. But, it kind of is, too.

It's never quite that simple, but in my opinion the marriage has already gone and it's time to admit it.

[cynthialee]

I must agree with the above posters.

And I am a die hard romantic. I will often counsel folks to go to great lengths to preserve a marriage.

[LordKAT]

Good to see you on Cynthia. How is Savan? You guys made it and show that it is possible.

[cynthialee]

Good to see you on Cynthia. How is Savan? You guys made it and show that it is possible.

Well Sevan and I are doing well.
Sevan is working at a queer youth center as Programs Director and I am a housewife. Sevan is making a mark locally as a powerful queer advocate and a go to person for queer/trans* competency training. Also doing school. My job is to maintain Sevan in good spirits and take care of the home. It is a team effort.

So yes it can work. But there has to be the will to make it work on both sides. It helps immensely that both Sevan and I are bisexual. Without that sexual component making the relationship would be much tougher. But as we are both still very attracted to the other and totally in love it works.
Now I do not think sex is the most important thing in a relationship at all. But it is very important to me. Even though there is a good chance that a sexual encounter will trigger my dysphoria, not having that intimacy is far more painful. I needs me some lovin'...besides when I get laid and I don't have a dysphoria session, the orgasms that I have now that I am on E like blow the T orgasms out the water.

[MaryXYX]

Just to add that I am very glad to see a couple making it work out after one of them transitions.  It is unfortunately rather rare.  Congratulations Cynthia and Sevan.

[Rachel]

Went to the therapist today and we discussed:

1) Last Sunday night (week ago) I had a very bad dysphoric event due to my daughter comparing my face to a cis female (lasted 45 minutes). I was very upset Monday, Tuesday and subsiding Wednesday. Monday evening I reviewed this with the therapist and later that night with my wife. I explained dysphoria to her and the 1000's of times a day I compare myself to females and wish. My wife said why do I not just say something and she would stop. I used that advise Wednesday night when my daughter again started with the anatomy comparison. She stopped when I calmly said I would get upset and please stop. I think she felt a little bit bad about what happened Sunday night. The important point for me was for the first time I did not ignore and put the feeling on a wall. I addressed the issue causing the feeling. I guess if my daughter didn't persist for 45 minutes Sunday I would still not be able to say stop. Sounds simple but I never confronted bigoted or hurtful comments with reference to my gender or sexuality. When I was called homo or ->-bleeped-<-, in college, I did the same thing. She wants me to work on the "say no or stop" to bigoted comments.

2) Therapist asked what it would feel like if I told my daughter I am trans*. I skipped the feeling. She made me go back and answer. I said I though I would feel good about it. Caveat, I would need to tell her I have a brain birth defect and I need estrogen to function properly and it is the media that portrays Trans* as other than normal (although I am different). She wants me to think about this.

3) She asked (I brought it up) what physical surgical changed I wanted. I told her all including approximate prices. I may be able to tap $50,000 of health insurance for surgeries and I have them prioritized.

4) Saw someone who has not seen me since HRT started. She said I look so much different and she likes my hair.

5) Security guard said today,  you look good, out of the blue (joke intended). Huuuumm.

6) Had sex with my wife, was very dysphoric. Went into the dysphoric details.

7) Reviewed agreements and how agreements can be changed in the future

[Rachel]

I went to the therapist today and we discussed:

1) Where I work they sent me an e-mail informing me TG benefits are available (including GRS, procedures, HRT and therapy). I read the letter and I felt sick, head pounded and I was trembling. There was so much in the 1 page letter. I think most important is recognition I have a birth defect and I have a PASS to some congruence in my life.  I carried the letter with me all day like it is a special communication for some divine entity.

2) I got me wife diamond earing for her birthday. when I told her I had her present she asked to see it but not to give it to her until her birthday. I showed the diamond earrings to her and she aid she did not want them and that she wanted a watch. Wow, I have a pair of earrings now and I plan to wear them on my 1 year HRT birthday May 28th. Why a person would reject the earrings I do not know but I suspect she wanted to hurt me. I told the guys at work I will get my ears pierced in May and they did not say anything mostly. A few said cool what will the SVP say?

3) I had some Trans* bigotry pushed at me by someone who thought they were funny. It was complete with mimicking and high voice and exaggerated gestures. He does not know I am Trans*. I froze and did not do anything but feel like crap. I paid the price for a day. We practice what to say next time and I will be ready, firm and to the point with no mitigating words. What a mean xxxxing jerk!

4) My daughter said I am more emotional because of the estrogen pills I take. Guess she looks through my dresser.

[cynthialee]

huh...I wonder what's up with the earing rejection?

[Rachel]

I do not know. I put her through a lot this year so I got her something I thought was very special. 1.2 ct, H color, A cut, SI. The diamonds are on fire with sparkle too. I was stunned by the rejection. I was thinking lab emerald earrings for myself but the diamonds are mine now. I never would have purchased them for me.