MTF in need of help

[Rachel]

Hi Cynthialee, hugs,

I am not leaving Susan's. My therapist was using Susan's and gaming to reinforce being in the present and going after what I want and not hiding in fantasy and fear. I have been practicing small risks and achievements and focusing on the positive feeling from accomplishing a goal.

The background and this is a bit embarrassing.

I really do not know how I got to where I am. I guess I am good at meeting deadlines and keeping people happy at work. Also, I guess I am nice to where someone nice took interest who did not want to use me, my wife. If the person would have been male them it would have been my partner or husband.

When I was young K through 2nd grade I had emotional issues and was seldom mentally present but physically there. I was physically and sexually abused and had and have a defense where I am in my own world. When I am triggered by a  severe threat I can not see, feel or hear. I am literally numb. This happens very seldom and is hell for a week or two afterwards. At work when I am at a meeting with a three page agenda I have to ask several times what number we are on. On a projected screen I have to ask to have the pointer over the area in discussion, I just can not find it. When I read I fill in words and sometimes have to reread a paragraph (with the exception of technical or science material). I am at a pretty high position at work and for the life of me I just do not know why.

I tend to avoid and twist in indecision about things people will judge me about. I am hugely self conscious about how I look to others. My therapist wants me to take action and to me that is a black void but I am trying.

[helen2010]

Cynthia

Your journey continues to inspire me.  Great that the gym has worked out so well.  Keep on doing the work.  One step at a time.  You really have come a long way.  Well done.

Aisla

[curiousTrans]

Cynthia

You are a very brave person. It is so important that we can all be true to ourselves. But you are also considerate of others and that is a wonderful state to be in.

Please let me assure you that things can really turn out for the better. After transition, I remained married to my wonderful wife, I was accepted by other members of my family as well as my professional associates, and I have just had a pretty normal life living it the way it ought to have been.

I've always had good luck with my medical and psychological advisors, and now I can appreciate all the hard work they had to do to allow me to be my true self. I am sure you will have no problems.

But if you do, there are lots of people who can help you, experienced counsellors and community members who have been through the ropes, know the problems and can make sure that you are the success story you are going to be.

It is an exciting time for you. Be positive, be brave and I wish you a wonderful future.

Hugs xx

[Rachel]

Aisla and CuriousTrans, thank you very much for you kind words.

I was really down at the time but am back.

So I went to Mazzoni yesterday to see my PA to get estradiol injections. Dusty asked why and I said injections, as I have read and discussed with others, give better results. he said absolutely, wrote a script, told  me to pick up the supplies then come back for a injection training. I was so happy. He said first get blood drawn and make an appointment for December. I was getting my blood drawn in my hand because I have bad arm joint veins. I was talking and then when the needle was withdrawn I got faint then started throwing up. 1.5 hours later I left. I reschedule the training (they would not let me continue) for Monday. I continued throwing up in the car in the parking garage. My head still hurts today from the dry heaves.

The people at the doctors office were so nice I could not believe it. I really love that place.

Dusty had a PA student shadowing him, he asked permission. I was very candid with the answers to his questions. Dusty also goes to the 12th street GYM and we discussed it and how welcoming Frank (the owner) and Midge (my future trainer) are. He said the place is so unique and I agree. Oh, they have the fat freezing at the gym and I told him I was going to do that and use the private lockers for the gym and group clothing change. He said quite a few trans use the private dressing room.

[cynthialee]

I have some serious gut issues and puke at least 2 or 3 times a week. I find that if you are dry heaving that the best reaction is to chug water in between heaves and give yourself something to barf. Makes it allot more tolerable and lasts a shorter time. It can be difficult to get down, but it is worth it. Dry heaves hurt, barfing not as bad.

[Rachel]

Thank you Cynthialee, hugs. I has some upper repertory thing and I though I was over it but I was in the middle. Dry Heaves are bad but I had to drive 28 miles through rush hour.

I went to the therapist Thursday and we discussed:

1) How I was doing with my daughter. My wife got on me about getting a hair cut. I refused and it escalated to where My wife told my daughter I wear woman's underwear and my daughter got really angry saying I am a boy and when I would talk she would say is IT talking to me. Then that she did not want me to go to her softball games or see her after she goes to college. I had taken a huge amount of insults and I did not get too upset.  Later my wife and  I discussed what went on and I told her I want to fully transition and I am having difficulty holding back. Fast forward  a few days and all is well. We are going to the beach Sunday.

2) I have my injection class Monday and at the gym Thursday I have a personal trainer session. I need a top for group Thursday and shorter black gym shorts. I said I was going to tell my wife I joined the gym this weekend. My wife will think I am having sex in the gym. She associates trans with me cheating on her with gay guys.

3) Two dreams were reviewed. 

[Rachel]

Went to Mazzoni today for my shot training.

I had the Nurse who does the training all the time and the PA student shadow in the room.

The training was fantastic and I administered the shot. I have large thigh tattoos of a Clouded leopard and a spotted panther. So shot placement will be easy.

A few seconds after I put the needle in the receptacle I passed out.  I awoke and after a bit the PA student said lets see if she can get on the table. That felt fantastic.

I did it, needle phobia and all. I was advised to give myself the needle sitting on the floor until I t use to it.

Again, everyone was incredible.

I am so happy

I just got a call, I need to repeat taking the shot supervised by them in 2 weeks.

[Rachel]

Went to Therapy, the gym ( had a trainer) and group.

Gym
I love the gym. There is a ton of high quality equipment and the place is so unique. The place is so clean and the private locker room even smell good. The personal trainer is  great and is helping me with diet and exercise. She has me doing a rower and a range of  exercises.  I am sore now so tomorrow will a joy. She complimented my hair. I need more up front but the back and sides are good and have a natural tight wave.

Group
Tonight was good and some great topics were discussed. I enjoy going to group and I think it is because everyone who talks, I can identify what they are saying.

Therapay
1- The therapist lent me a book on coming out and addressing questions and bigotry.

2- I went to my daughters softball game Saturday and the beach Sunday and everything was going fantastic. Then Sunday night my wife suggested we watch a trailer for transparent. At the end my daughter got hysterical and said she did not want any of us to watch the series. My wife and I said we will watch it in private. That night I cried a lot and it was because my daughter really is having a difficult time with anything trans and I lover her and feel I am the cause.

3- Monday I did my injection training and passed out after I finished with the needle. I will need to come back and redo the injection because they are concerned I will not have support when I do the injections at home.

4- Monday night during dinner my wife said all her boy friends had issues then I meet you and thought this is a really nice guy. I must have done something really bad in a past life to have such bad Karma. I am so hurt by this comment. It just rolled off her tongue. Another night of crying myself to sleep. I dreamed I was walking with my father and everything was white. After a while he said to me, you do not belong here. My therapist asked what I thought it meant and I said I should not kill my self. She then lent me a book and said I am doing the right things by expanding my circle and being in the community. I agreed and said if I get acceptance here then I will naturally distance myself from the painful environment. She said I take an awful lot, why? I said I was alone for 7 years and it was bad for me ( that is when I was out of control with self numbing).

5- Tuesday morning I cried on the way to work. When I got home there was a package. My wife asked what is inside and I said two shirts. She asked male of female. I said 1 of each. the male shirt is andro and I did not mention the female jeans. She kept asking why a female shirt and I said I feel better wearing it. I tried on the cloths and I need to return them due to the shirts being too small and size 14 jeans being too big.

6- I told the therapist despite the negative things that happened I feel great. I am smiling (when not crying) and physically and mentally I feel fantastic. I think the injections have made a big difference. I actually feel happy. I really need to be careful what I say as things just roll off my tong now. 

[Rachel]

I went to the therapist, gym and group Thursday and this is what occurred:

1) Paid for 10 sessions of therapy and personal trainer. I told my therapist I am making 10 week plans now. A lot better place to be from where I was 21 months ago. I honestly did not think I was going to get out of January 2013. Why 10 week plans, well my bottle of E has 5 two week doses in it. I had to base my plan on something and that seamed appropriate. Each new bottle means a new plan with new goals.

2) I am so different the last two weeks, happy and a sense of well being. Is it injections, therapy, exercising with a personal trainer who is variant and so fit and a true inspiration or is it group. Perhaps it is all of it. Oh, the 1st 3 days on injection were emotional and triggers set off tears.  I look forward to the next injection and I cannot express how difficult it is to wait.

3) Injection training again Monday ( fainted last time) and Laser consult Tuesday. I hope I am a good candidate for laser.

4) I have been thinking of coming out to my sister. She is a Republican committee woman and religious. Her Husband is Judge of elections, Republican, religious and a bigot. So why come out to an obvious loss of family? I do not communicate with my brother so this is my only link to family. I have hidden who I am and felt horrible and treated myself horribly all my life. Well, I do not think and treat myself horrible any more and I think I am a really nice and good person. Why should I hide who I am? I just do not need to hide. If they never talk to me again then they have a problem not me. I am not going to be someone else for their approval. Another issue is my wife said a year go if I came out to them or did anything more than HRT then she would divorce me. I do not think so. Something inside of me is growing and it feels good, me. 

5) Some people in the office asked where is the Gym and I told them 12th street. There were some laughs. So I am basically coming out in steps to them.  They must think I am gay. I was asked what my trainer looks like and if he is cute. I told them my trainer is about 60 and in phenomenal physical condition, had bright short red hair and is variant. I got odd looks and "variant" was repeated with puzzled looks. 

6) I really get a lot out of group and enjoy going. I think it may be the hormones but I think I am starting to like and connect with the people at group and feel for their issues. I think about them, wonder how they are making out and wish I could help them. We are a group of nice and good people who for one reason or another have each other and few others.
.

[MaryXYX]

This sounds very positive Cynthia.  Knowing you are going to lose your sister and your wife isn't positive, but you are in a good frame of mind for it now.  The "coming out in steps" idea sounds interesting and it should be fun to keep them guessing for a while.

[Rachel]

Thank you Mary, hugs.

I called my sister 3 times yesterday and left a message. I will call her in a few minutes and have the talk.

Did my second supervised injection today and did not faint. I came close but stayed awake, yay. I can do unsupervised injections now. I told the nurse one of the girls in group does it on her bed and lays back after. She said that is a good idea. Thursday on became increasingly bad as the medicine wore off. Sunday I had a pretty bad dysphoria episode. I am looking to this week and the feeling of well being. I will keep track and ask for permission for 10 day cycles if the dysphoria spikes at day 10-14.

I love Mazzoni and the care I get there. The Nurse did a Nursing School rotation where I work and we had a lot to discuss while I was there.

Laser consult tomorrow, hopeful, we will see. I get to see Dusty either way

Off to talk to my sister.   

[Rachel]

I talked to my sister and she is fantastic. She said she always wanted a sister. She wants me to get a makeover with her and go shopping for cloths, perfume and makeup. She also want me to do something with my hair (plugs and dye).

She said she loves me and I am her BF, brother sister.

I told her I had doubts about telling her and she said why. I had no reason other than she is religious and Republican. She said, "Please, that has nothing  to do with this". We are really close and now I can not describe how close I feel to her.

We talked for a while. She is a Chief Nursing Officer and in charge of diversity too. She just had a social worker in for the nursing staff going over LGBT with an emphasis on trans.

I will sleep well tonight.

[MaryXYX]

Great news about your sister, Cynthia!

"She said she loves me and I am her BF, brother sister."  Such a good way to see things - it's the person you are, not the name or details like clothes or even changes to your shape.

I'm glad to hear that religion wasn't a problem either.  I'm a strong Christian and before I went into hospital there was an email to the church list saying "Mary is going into hospital for an operation - please pray for her."  Most of the church would figure out which operation even if I hadn't said anything, but it didn't matter.  I was in hospital and they cared about me.

Can you ask your sister for advice and help now?  Clothes, makeup, important details like how to behave and talk?

[Rachel]

Mary, hugs.

I am happy for you that your church (congregation) welcomes and supports you. Also, you are a very strong woman who has faced and dealt with a lot difficulties and they are lucky to have you in the congregation.

My sister and I talked for an hour tonight and I feel very close to her. She will help and she said anything I need she will be there for me. she wanted to know a lot of details and I had to ask her to stop asking after a while. Then she went to the abuse we had as children and I think 90% of the call was about her and her difficulties. She really opened up to me. We really connected and I am happy I was there for her. I learned a lot in therapy and group on how to listen and give support.

Went for a laser consult at Mazzoni, Dusty Latimer this afternoon. He went over everything and said it does not work on white hair (50% white beard) and I said I know. Then he said we can zap the non white then refer you for electrolysis. I said that is what I will do. then he said do you want to do it now and we did. YAY!!! Laser was not too bad. I have some large tats and it was a lot easier than a tat.

I am a happy girl.

[carrie359]

Hey Cynthia Michelle,
You are so strong.. I had therapy today.. went over fear... and all that stuff.. she said in a year we would be sitting there laughing about all this....  I won't go into detail but I am a perfectionist... with everything... so u know changing sexes ...... its a road we travel.... I suppose thats why its called transition..  it takes time ....and I am impatient.
So I am in Dallas at a hotel tonight getting ready for a day tomorrow of E3K clearing.. will be my second.
I am more afraid this time because I know where it hurts most and what to expect...ugh!!!
I bought tickets to a concert I will not mention for next year.. its a big one.. and I bought two front row VIP tickets with backstage thing.. then realized.. oh crap I will be full time!!  My wife and I will be going.. as two chicks.. we are divorcing but are very close..... and that has been the most painful thing for me.. really.
If anyone thinks this is a choice.. they are mistaken.. If I could stay a dude I would.. for sure...but I am not a dude.. never have been one...
Now that my  dysphoria ... however you spell it.. is eased cause i like my body more... and know where I am headed.. I look at dudes and think.. crap I wish I had been born a dude...it would be so much easier...  I think that is so ironic.. I laugh at myself for thinking that.. but that's my personality..  I have been me on the inside since little.. now nothing is going to stop me from transition....its just an innate sense of self we can't seem to help..
So again.. you truly inspire me.. wish I was as detailed as you are with your thoughts... but.. I am great salesperson.. not good at the details just at the big picture.
Love ya
Carrie
.

[Rachel]

Carrie Hugs,

I am happy you are doing the E3000. From what I have read it is very effective. You are amazing and very decisive in your transition. I want to do more but am afraid to rock the boat too much at any given time. 

I was so afraid of laser and it was really a great experience. There were 5 or 6 t-girls in the waiting room and they were discussing laser and it was all our 1st session. They were in their teens and I am 52. I thought laser was a great experience. There was pain but I was excited. I did not sleep last night but for a few hours. I kept thinking how good it felt doing laser. My primary does so much laser and everyone is so cool I just felt what I was doing was a non-event and normal and everyday.

I told the office manager today I had laser on my face and that I am trans. She is awesome and totally welcoming.

I am again a happy girl. 

[carrie359]

So cool when you tell someone and they are accept us... I called about doing some dental work and mentioned I was trans and would the DR. have any problem working with me and she said why would we... what's wrong with being yourself... we would love to work with you.
So anyway, congrat's on the laser.. I am back home.. it was a painful day .....very painful... the shots are what hurt around the lips.. ouch... 
Carrie

[Rachel]

Hugs Carrie, my top lip was just painful too. When I was done I just felt so happy. I don't care about the pain.

I wet to the therapist, gym and group Thursday and this is what was occued:

Gym
My trainer absolutely took every ounce of energy out of my body and I am sore today, a good sourness. She has me looking in mirrors and I shift my view to local guys in the area. Although, I did look at myself a bit and the inevitable focused of the many flaws. I only see the guy in the mirror and girl in my head. I was going to say something but I am at a loss of how to put it. She knows I am trans.

Group
Group was rough. One of the girls is having a difficult time and It hurts seeing her this way. We supported her the best way we could.

Therapist
1) Went over that I am finally clear for self injections, YAY
2) Came out to completely supportive sister and office manager,
4) Went over the 10 week plan ( length my bottle of estrogen lasts). The plan is to come out to sister, brother and brother in law, pay in advance the therapist and trainer for 10 weeks, start laser and get some makeup. Next bottle next plan
5) Went over last Sunday a really bad dysphoria wave. I was triggered and went back to when I was little.  She asked if I ever am going to forgive myself. I said no after a long pause. I forgave my Mom, Dad and brother but I can not forgive myself. I know exactly why I did what I did and I still can not understand why the others did what they did but I can forgive them but not myself. I think I still have a lot of self hatred and it hurts. If there is a god then I am going to hell because I use to pray for help and now I just ask why and express extreme anger and bitterness. If there is a god, I cannot forgive god for doing this. When I awoke the next day my mental state was better.
6) Went over 2 years ago I realized god was not going to help me and I had to help myself.
7) Went over the laser session.

( I do not want to offend anyone who is religious. I use to be very religious but I no longer believe in god yet I address god when I am in deep despair, perhaps it is habit or deep down inside there is still belief. I just would like to know why.  )

[Rachel]

I just sent a coming out e-mail to my brother. He is in Asia somewhere and it may be a few weeks for a response.

I had issues with him when I was young but I have forgiven him. I wait to see his response.


Below it the e-mail:

I just saw the new e-mail on the bottom of your last post.

I hope you are doing well and are safe.

Hi from Sunny xxxxxxx. Tomorrow will have a high of 55. xxxxxx just had her last softball game for the season, not too soon.

Work is going well and we are very busy, ebola preparing, construction and inspections.


I have something I would like to share with you. xxx and xxxx know ( xxxx for 20 months and xxxxx 3 months) and I informed xxxx this week.  xxxxx does not want anyone to know so I am asking for you to keep it private and do not share.

I am transgender. I have been seeing a gender therapist for 2 years, been on HRT for 17 months and been going to group for 10 months. I go to a LGBT primary care and they are wonderful.

In December 2012 I got help for something I have been dealing with all my life.  My coping mechanisms were overwhelmed and I had only two choices.

I love my family and I chose to live and face who I am.

I am the same person, perhaps a little different,  and I hope you will understand.

I bet you were not expecting this and you may be asking why am I disclosing? I have made a lot of bad choices in my life, this is not one of them. Although xxxx does not want anyone to know I need to disclose. A closet is a place for cloths and a hell to live in.  Being free is the only way to live and grow.

Love xxxxx

[Rachel]

My brother texted me in route to someplace. He has been in Asia for 16 years.

He said I have his full support and understanding.

He said he will e-mail when he gets to where he is going.

WOW! I am a happy girl again. Next my brother - in law.