MTF in need of help

[Rachel]

Hi CarleyMcx, I have Aetna PPO and my employer supplements their coverage with additional benefits. We are self insured and Aetna administers the plan.  Basically Hair replacement, electrolysis, VFS, hormones, Gender counselor, adam's apple, BA and GCS are covered. FFS is not covered because the board of directors thought with 90% female professional employees they would want FFS too as well as BA's. So FFS is not covered. I have 3 years to act on my trans procedure benefits or they expire. I could apply for FFS and appeal the decision and follow it to the state insurance appeal but if I won I may lose a lot from the perspective of being highly regarded to a person that sued the company. A very knowledgeable woman here advised me and I decided to not go after FFS.

I went to a thrift store last night Buffalo Exchange ( I go there every other week and Philly aids thrift the opposite week). It is close to the gayborhood and has a trans woman working there and usually there is at least one trans woman shopping there, so it is very safe and welcoming. I was in line to pay for some tops and a woman said take him next. It really hurts. I was coming from work wearing flats, NY and company pants and a sleeveless top. My hair is down my back 6 inches. My goal is to blend in and get gendered correctly. So FFS is a must.

So last week I had my evaluation. I actually got graded on how well executed my coming out and transition at work went, huuuuum. Then he says you know it is really tough to think of you as female when I hear you on the phone. Followed by, I personally disagree with your transition but I am glad it is working out for you. Besides this in meetings he now interrupts and finished my thoughts for me. Then there is the look which means I am too emotional and calm down. That is his sign he told me he would use, "to help me".

I know he is dim but he is expressing what some others must think but not say. I say to myself why do I care and I try to think positive but sometime it gets through. I just want to fit in and I know that sounds bad. I have spent my whole life looking in from the outside. I just want to not be the different one for once. Even if it just helps me feel better about myself in that I am closer to how I feel I am on the inside.

[Rachel]

I am 5 weeks away from FFS and have started the count down from the packet provided by Dr. Spiegel's office. I have my airline reservations ( in my new name, 1st time flying in my new name) and extended stay reservations. The FFS bill is paid (just need to pay the credit card off ). The other item on the 6 week packet check list is to quit smoking which I quit 8 years ago

I just reread the FFS packet and am on track. The FMLA packet arrived today in the mail. At week 4, 8/15/16 I have my doctors appointment to fill out the FFS and BA/GCS tests.

I am getting a little excited. I have been doing some reading about others experiences and it seams pretty consistent with the exception of complications.

5 weeks to go.

[Katja69]

Yikes.  What a read.  Started at the beginning, then went to the end and reading it in reverse.  A good read.  Wish you the best for the upcoming ops.  I sense you may have a bout of postpartum once the divorce is over, but hang in there.  I'll have to continue this read after I sleep for a bit.  I am in a very similar situation (less a family), but it helps to know what I am in for.  As for being alone, well...I'm used to it and don't mind one bit (though the winters can be rough in northern PA).

[Rachel]

Thank you Katja69 for your support.

I found out today my brother died a week or so ago. The police went to his apartment because of odor complaints. He had been dead for over a week. I had lunch with him 2 weeks ago and we discussed his declining health and that he did not have much time left. He was 59 and now out of his living hell. I can not help but feel relieved for him.

I e-mailed Carol at Dr. Spiegel's office to add back in the fat graphs in the cheeks and temple. I am now at the original list of recommended procedures.  38 days to go.

[HappyMoni]

Dear Rachel,
I'm so sorry for your loss. My thoughts are with you.
Moni

[Rachel]

Thank you HappyMoni.

How have you been, it has been five weeks or so since your procedure. Are you healing well? Is there any advise? Would you do it again ( I think I know the answer)?

I have less than 5 weeks to go for FFS. Carol at Dr. Spiegel's confirmed the adding back in of fat to my cheeks and temples. I am a bit nervous and excited. I also wonder what I will look like and how people will react. I still get sir at work about 1/3 the time so perhaps this will help people when seeing me to reference me in female pronouns.

This is not rational, I sometimes think my wife will divorce me if I get FFS and I do not want to hurt her. Then I think and know the final divorce papers will arrive in the mail in about 3 weeks. In essence we are divorced. Divorce, FFS then eight weeks later BA and GCS.

I see my therapist, trainer and group tomorrow. Monday I see my PA-C to fill out my FFS ( needed to be done no less than 30 days before FFS) and BA/GCS medical exam paperwork. 

[Rachel]

I received a call from Dr. McGinn's office today. to confirm the BA prosthetic size and shape. I said the size was 450 cc. They had 550 cc on my chart. I said I forget the shape but the doctor and I agreed at the time. There was reasons for the shape and it had to do with going over the muscle and needing a two stage BA. Next, they had me down for having a consult only for an orchi not GCS. I distinctly remember seeing the doctor for GCS and her stating I was lucky and the reason why and that I would need a 2 stage because I needed blood flow for a successful vagioplasty. I set the date for 1 year 2 days after being full time. Lastly, the price they said today was 12,000 less than I was told. It is like the BA was not included.

Originally I was going to have an orchi but after my wife decided to divorce then I switched to GCS. The bill will be itemized and I will get it tomorrow. I do not want to take advantage. $19,000 for GCS and BA plus hospital and anesthesia was not correct. The size and shape of the BA is disappointing but that is why they double check. I have a phone conversation scheduled for Dr. Mc McGinn on Monday and all will be clarified.

[HappyMoni]

Hi Rachel,
It's amazing how bad communication with doctor's offices can get. Make sure you are on the same page.

I will PM you as some things about my surgery, I don't want to put on a general thread. It has not been easy.
Take care!
Moni

[Rachel]

Thanks Moni for all your help and shared experiences.

So I had an appointment at the Mazzoni Center for my Trans care and for the paperwork for FFS, BA and GCS. Both Dr. McGinn and Dr. Spiegel wanted an EKG. I had one today at my appointment. It came back perfect. This is odd. I had a heart murmur and now it is gone. My father and grand father had the murmur.

I was to have a call from Dr. McGinn at 2:30 today. They called at 4:30 to schedule an appointment for a face to face with the doctor in 2 weeks. Breath, remember to breath.

lots of referrals to work on and I did not faint on the blood draw .

[HappyMoni]

Rachel,
You know how confused and disorganized these doctor's offices get. One hand doesn't know what the other is doing sometimes. It may mean nothing at all. I know how you are feeling though. You won't relax until you get put out for the surgery. I am the same way. All you can do is put one foot in front of the other and try not to think about it 24/7.
Moni

[Rachel]

On Monday 8-15-2016 I had my PCP visit. They mailed out my referrals. I am anxious to get my blood test results.

Dr. Spiegel's office billed my credit card for fat injections in my cheeks. So the OR time must have been available.

FFS is on 9/16 only 28 days away.

This is my current thoughts on FFS. I want FFS and on the streets, stores and at work it would be so much better than my current male-ish face. I keep thinking my wife will divorce me if I have FFS and then I remember the final papers are due in 2 weeks. Then I think my daughter will shun me. This may actually be true. I love doing things with her like going to the beach. I hope she can eventually be in public with me (that hurts).

So I am not having 2nd thoughts but thoughts of processing my new feeling about the procedures impact on my daughter and soon to be ex-wife.

I have some fear of the pain, some fear of what will happen in Boston and being alone. I wonder what I will look like and if I made the correct choice of surgeon. I guess this is normal.

I sometimes think what if I have FFS and I then think I want to go back or that I made a mistake. Then I think, back to what? There is no back, just forward and I will look much better than I do now.

I know I am doing the right thing and I just need to trust in myself.

[HappyMoni]

Rachel,
   You will make it work, Hon. You made your decision, let yourself go with it. The decision to do this was for very strong reasons. People will forget what you used to look like. The new reality will take over. Your new look will have the power of that new reality. Your daughter may need some time to adjust. The real you will be there for her. It will be okay.
    I had some of the same feelings you are having. You know I had FFS and am not 100% happy. I would still go through with it again. We make the choice knowing that not doing it is worse. Nothing is guaranteed to work out perfect.
    Hope you can allow yourself to relax and let it take you where it will.
Moni

   

[FarfallinAlexa]

OMG good luck to you! So excited for you. Dr Spiegel is my #1 choice but 1-my insurance doesnt cover it and 2-i dont have the cash

[Rachel]

Monica, thank you for your support. Having just had FFS the issue is fresh and it helps to be reinsured.

FarfallinAlexa, thank you. I charged half and sold stuff for the other half. I am selling more stuff to pay off the credit card.

I went to Jefferson Cardiology for my stress test today. They were so unbelievably wonderful and friendly, it was such a relief. They did a EKG and again great results and no murmur? The doctor went over a lot of history and family history. My BP was 100/60 at 52 beets a minute. I explained my exercise, steps at 0500 24 stories, walking hills at night 1.3 miles, gym and trainer and walking over 5 miles a day. He filled in the forms that I do not need a stress test. I was looking forward to it.

Pulmonary test tomorrow and blood test redo Friday. Then chest x-rays and done

I was walking through the Atrium at work today and felt really good. People sometimes look at me but it really has very little effect anymore and it des not effect my mood.  I went from total fear in expressing at work in November to feeling good expressing at work.

[HappyMoni]

Hey Rachel,
   There is only one possible explanation. Your being trans cured your heart murmur. It saw the trans beast and ran away. lol
    It is my second day back at work today. People have been so nice and I got so busy, I forgot about all things trans. I couldn't believe it. Guess I can relate to your Atrium walk.
Moni

[Rachel]

Hi Monica, I am so happy for you. I hope I can feel that way too

I did the pulmonary test today. The 1st test was for lung volume and the tec said the test looked very good. The  second test was the lungs ability to absorb O2 and exhaust CO2. He said to blow hard out and I exceeded the machines ability to handle the pressure my lungs create. I had to exhaust at a lower pressure. My height was 6'1". I was 6'3" 3 years ago.

Again the staff at Jefferson Cardiology were awesome

Friday blood test and Monday x-ray then done.

[Rachel]

I just have the x-ray than all my pre-op tests are done

I have been trying to get delestrogen or generic for 2 weeks. I may need to go back on pills. CVS Monday is my last hope. It is on order. If I can inject before FFS then I will have E in my system for 2 weeks before FFS. If not I will stop pills on 9/2 and have no E in my system shortly after. Since I will be off spiro T will start up

So I had my monthly meeting with my boss today. During the Directors meeting Wednesday he asked what my Enterprise specific plan was for my department. I submitted it to him electronically previously. There are 25 or so items. I could remember a few. He then asked the progress. This was not on the agenda and the first we were asked for this information. Well, at todays meeting I had the printout I provided him electronically previously. He said he knew and just liked putting me on the spot and watching me struggle. He is a real gem.  Of 4 directors at today's meeting I was the only one to have the requested 5 year capital plan for my department. He is going to use it at the Board of directors meeting. Yet he puts me on the spot to watch me struggle.  He offered to be named for a life directive incase the operations had an issue. I do not know if I trust him. 

[Dena]

It could be more than that. Your boss may have an eye on you with the thought of a promotion in mind. He might be testing your ability to respond under pressure and your ability to do long range planing. A good boss is always on the lookout for management talent because they never know when they might need it. They want somebody as skilled or better than they are. A bad manager stays on top by keeping people with less skill under them and promotions are not as likely.

[JLT1]

Hey,

I'm going with Dena.  However, keep on your toes either way.  Don't let him watch you struggle.

More later.

Great progress BTW..

Hugs

Jen

[Rachel]

Hi Dena and Jen, thank you for your support. I am at the top of where I will go. My job will expand as we continue to expand and add facilities and partnerships.  Thank you for the alternate views.

I am back on E pills. My last hope is CVS Monday for Delestrogen.

I have an appointment with Dr McGinn tomorrow since it has been a while since we last meet. I am a bit nervous because this is unusual. I meet with her twice already. Originally I was going to get an orchi but when my wife told me she was going to divorce me on 11-12-15 I called Papillion on 11-16-15 to change that to gcs. When I first saw Dr. McGinn I was examined for gcs or orchi.

Tomorrow morning I will get my chest x-ray at Jefferson then see Dr. McGinn in the afternoon in New Hope ( I will need to stop in Warrior on Main Street). All my FFS, BA and GCS pre-testing will be done.

16 days I will be in Boston for FFS.