MTF in need of help

[Rachel]

I deposited my Aetna reimbursement check ($14,266) for GCS Dr. McGinn's cost at 66% reimbursement and the Lower Bucks Hospital check $5,350, they chose to take my insurance reimbursement instead. I am now funded for hair replacement, which I expect to be $10,000 to $15,000 round one. 

I contacted Dr. Spiegel's and spoke to Carol. I am not satisfied with the results of the jowls. She asked I take a pic and send it to her. Then the Doctor and I will skype. If need be I will do a face to face in Boston.

I have a conference in Miami starting May 2nd. I need to lose 30 pounds by then. I will be on the beach I may stay a few days more or arrive early. May 2nd is a Tuesday So perhaps I arrive on Sunday and relax a few days.

My corrected birth certificate should arrive soon

When I refinance my house it will be in my legal name.

My therapist suggested I think about my need for therapy. I am in a very good spot right now. I no longer sleep with a loaded shotgun but think about putting it back in the bed. I seldom think about suicide and then only in passing. I am pretty happy at the moment. I am starting to feel better about myself. Perhaps I should stop seeing her. Perhaps I should see her twice a month.

Perhaps I should sell my house and move to the gayborhood or New Hope. No matter where I am I feel that I do not fit in. When I am with trans I feel better but still I feel a little like an outsider. I do not feel like a natal female and If I am with a guy I will need to disclose I am transsexual. If I do not have a wig on my thinning hair on top makes me feel self conscious. I love my curly hair and hope hair transplants can help with the top hair loss.

Sometimes I feel shaky inside, like my confidence shield is failing and the doubts about how I look, sound and act are just not in sync with the rest of the world. I doubt, are people nice to me because they feel sorry for me or because they like me.

Do you stop taking an antibiotic when you start feeling well or continue with the dosing until the script is done? I think I will continue with therapy weekly for now and cut it to twice a month after my wife moves out.

I have been taking pics of my vagina each day as the healing progressed. I am tomorrow 8 weeks post op. I have been taking a pick each day until I am fully healed. I am hoping to share the pics with the on-line community as this is how it looks for X months day by day. Do you think it would be a help or more a potential to attack by the right? If it can do someone good then I will. I do not have labia minora and my citreous is exposed until I have labioplasty ( which will consist of a clitoral hood) . I had a graft and my puny ( that is what Dr. McGinn said) penile skin was tossed, it had a small diameter and was 3/4th of an inch long. Any thoughts? 

[Michelle_P]

Congrats, Rachel Lynn!  Being legally yourself is a Big Damn Deal.  You can travel and go to the bathroom in all 50 states! 

Just a thought.  Could some of that shakiness and doubt be that post-surgical depression or fog associated with general anesthesia? 

I think you have the right plan for the therapy schedule.  While your ex-wife is still under the roof with you there's a source of unfounded criticism right there, something to produce constant background anxiety.  Twice a month is still fairly often, a good interval while you still aren't feeling 100%.

I sure understand the not quite feeling real and the wig thing.  I will be stuck with wigs unless the cloning of follicle stem cells becomes a viable treatment, and I sure feel weird seeing myself in a mirror without my hair.  It's on the moment I get up, and off when I go to bed.  (I really, really don't like the results with the 'permanent' hair replacement systems.). I deal with it.

I'm celibate and pre-op, not qualified to comment on the rest.  I just really hope your story has a happy ending!


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[Rachel]

Hi Michelle, thank you for your support. For hair Dr. McGinn recommended Dr. Cooley in North Carolina. I have a quote based on the number of hairs. Dr. McGinn said he is the best on nailing the female hair line.

I took a bunch of pics and they said they could do 2000 to 2500 hairs based on the pics (I take bad selfies). With that hair they could do the front part of my scalp where it counts the most. When I am at his office  they would give a better assessment on the number of hairs that can be harvested. 

I am celibate too but hope to not be when I am cleared for sex and feel comfortable that my VJ is well healed. It is just that when I am looking for a potential partner I think about disclosure and when to disclose. I never thought about this in depth before GCS. 

[Rachel]

Today at work I was walking back from the staff bathroom from washing off my dilators and a woman stopped me. She asked me my name and then asked what I put into my hair to keep my curles? She went on to say she has a difficult time keeping her curls throughout the day. I said nothing. She then said twice that I had such beautiful hair

[Rachel]

Carol from Dr. Spiegel's office called. She said she and Dr. Spiegel spoke and that to wait another month. If there is no change then they would have me come to the office and take care of it. She said sometimes the fat shifts or does not take and sometimes it take longer for the fat to reflate.

I have an appointment with Papillion 2/10/2017 and Mazzoni 2/28/2017. Mazzoni had called and my white blood cell count was high the two blood tests prior to my GCS and they want another blood test. I do not know what a high white blood cell count could mean.

I went to the gym last night and trained with my trainer. I trained from 4:30 to 5:30 and the woman's locker room was pretty busy at 5:30. I went to my locker and there were a few head turned. A woman or perhaps two left the locker row when I went to my locker. Being trans is a gift that keeps on giving.

With my therapist yesterday I started listing all the things I need to do with my transition and divorce. I was getting overwhelming. I mentioned that it feels like every step forward I take a step back. She mentioned I need to make a list and then Gantt chart to help organize my thoughts. She knows it really helps me and it is the way I think. I mentioned with FFS I need to get my jowls corrected. She said or you can accept your face as it is.   

So I came home last night and dilated and #4 hurt again. In the morning it hurt too. Today it was much better. I guess when I work out I swell a bit and it is enough to make the vaginal entry rim a bit smaller. Sitting today was a little sore. I am fine now; it is something to keep in mind for next week.

Last night at group there were about 12 of us and all transwoman except the facilitator. One person was discussing something about her past marriage then said sorry there is a woman in the room, meaning the facilitator. It was very awkward and one woman was triggered.

[Rachel]

I  received a check from my insurance for the GCS anesthesia. My cost up front was $1,800 and insurance reimbursed me $2,200, go figure. I never received a bill from the hospital, so I am hoping it is a net 0 cost for me. 

I was depressed this week. The depression was not like any I had before. The depression was constant but not about gender Identity. I had some very minor thoughts of suicide but they were in passing and not a concern. I do not know what caused it. I am starting to feel better and hope it has passed.

I went to my therapist Thursday and discussed my depression and the things that are happening in my life such as house settlement and feeling I have such a long road yet in my transition. Every two steps forward I take one step back.

I cancelled the first house settlement because the mediator did not respond to my request to exercise a part of the agreement. She will respond now but it is dragging on.

I sent two domestic relations orders to a company that will  make the documents. Then the document's get filed with the divorce papers. They are for  my ex-wife to receive 1/2 my pension and 60% of my one 403B.

Gym, my trainer had me keep a food journal for 2 weeks. She reviewed the journal and then proceeded to lecture me about healthy eating for 1 hour. Not just healthy eating but making all my food and from non GMO, organic and whole food.  No workout this week .  I felt  bit overwhelmed. She said there is no point working out unless I eat her way.

I wanted to go to group but the street was shut down for Trump. Group is across the street from the Lowes Hotel and trump and the Republicans were there. There was very large peaceful protests and parade of protesters so I watched for a while. There were so many cops there. I could not help walking along and feeling insignificant and marginalized by people in power. There are executive memo's I read and feel that at a stroke of a pen we are next. The sentiment in certain parts of the country are against people in the minority and different, it is alarming.

[Rachel]

On Tuesday I started to feel like myself again. Today I feel pretty well and at times happy. I have no idea what caused the depression or what it was about. It definitely was not gender related. Perhaps it was hormone related or surgery related. I stopped taking the T and that may be it. I will restart T tomorrow and see.

Last week was really tough at work, my trainer lectured me for an hour, I had to reschedule settlement, January was rainy and overcast, politics and I am trying to balance a week off for hair restoration and a new building opening. Perhaps those factors played a role.

Hair
I sent pictures to Dr. Cooley's office. They recommend FUE 2000 graphs for $9,000. I have insurance and my work covers hair for trans and expect 80% reimbursement. Dr. Cooley accepts Aetna too and if things work out my cost could be very little.  When the doctor see's me they will know if more graphs can be harvested either then or another time. I was told to take a week off from work because after the transplant I need to spray the area every 1-2 hours with ATP for 5 days. They also use PRP for the graphs.My questions:

Have you ever heard of spraying the graphs with ATP?
Does taking 5 days off sound correct?
Have you had a positive graph survival rate and did they use PRP and ATP?

[Christine1]

Rachel I would like to say your an inspiration to Me. I spent like 12 hrs reading this post! I hope everything is well with You because You deserve to be Happy!

Christine

[Rachel]

Hi Christine, thank you. I am a lot more happy now than I was 5 years ago

My depression is gone, as of Tuesday, and I have no idea what it was from. I restarted the T cream this morning.

Next week I have house closing on Wednesday. Thursday I have therapist, gym and group. Saturday I have lunch with someone on Susan's.

[CHRIS129]

I also read your whole posts since the beginning.  I am where you started at present and am 53.  I cannot remember how many times I try to break out.  I just do not have the courage.  I am not sure I can ever leave the starting gate.  Our stories are very similar

[Christine1]

Hi Chris129 have You talked to a therapist?  You can leave the starting gate and just discover You!

[Christine1]

Chris129 everyone here will help and encourage You! Be strong and ask questions and You get the answers. I'm 48 so I guess My life is just about to begin agian. Stay strong and Love yourself Girl!

((Hugs))

[CHRIS129]

Yes I have talked to a therapist, but it just does not go any where.  I have had three sessions.  I know where I need to go, but cannot.  The feelings are there and they always have, but I feel like I am a fraud.  I wish they would just give me the drugs.  a voice within me screams this, but I am silent
I appreciate your response

[Christine1]

You can't be a fraud if Your true to Yourself. Not sure is this a gender therapist? Some therapist may tak longer than others. Don't be silent because you are your own advocate. Be honest and truthful. If You have to see another therapist because it can't hurt.

Love Christine

[Michelle_P]

Feel like a fraud?  I did that. So did many others.

My understanding is that we spent much of our lives living behind a false front pretending to be our assigned gender, and hiding our true selves to avoid feared responses from others. (Damage from growing up in a transphobic culture!)

Since we spend so much time and effort in concealment, even though largely not conscious of it, we can generalize that fear of being revealed into places where it shouldn't be, our professional lives, our family relationships, even our selves. We feel that we are frauds in aspects of our lives that are true! 

I did this with my professional skills, feeling that I was a fraud even while racking up awards and patents. I did this with my thoughts of being trans, not sure I was real until I had been through three months of regular therapy sessions.

It's called Imposter Syndrome and is apparently pretty common in trans people.

https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Impostor_syndrome


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[Dena]

About 1978 for a few weeks, I also felt like I was a fraud for not making any progress in my transition other than being on HRT. That was the real starting point of my transition that put me where I am today. Discuss it in therapy and when you overcome it, you will be on your way. You are not a fraud and are only dealing with doubt that is slowing your progress.

[Rachel]

I have had two therapists and they were very different in their methods of therapy. I made significant progress with both. My present therapist practices a Rogarian method which puts responsibility on me to make advances. Both therapists gave me homework. My therapist said recently that I may want to consider in the future if I still need therapy. I have come a long way and it was a lot of personal growth. Each step was scary and took courage, when I mastered the step I felt so good. I have taken many steps and have a more to go. The difference now is I know I can do it and I will be better for the effort.

Chris129, think about transition as a staircase to 20 floors. You get to determine how fast you take each step and what floor you rest at or stop. Each step requires an effort and change which is scary but you feel better about yourself and gain confidence. Somewhere along the way on my staircase I started to feel good about myself and stopped looking at other people thinking what are they thinking about me. I have so much more self confidence and feel so much better about myself. Good luck in your journey. 

[CHRIS129]

Thank you for your feed back

[Rachel]

So just a little venting, wearing a pad now for 11 weeks and it is getting old ( I change pads regularly). I am dilating 4 times a day and not 5 during the week. Time to dilate at work is reduced to 30 minutes one dilation and not 60 minutes 2 dilations. I am there 10 hours a day. I missed Rachel Levin at work because I was too busy in a new building construction project. Rant off.

I walked past about 200 construction workers waiting to get into the building before work start. Not a single remark or laugh, cool. I wore my flats too.

I refinanced my house today and bought out my ex-wife.

In the cafeteria at work I got a Chinese bowl. The woman there referred to me as Sir 5 or 6 times. It really bothers me and I do not know how to politely address it. I thought about just saying please do not call me sir. I also thought of saying hi my name is Rachel. Any advise would be appreciated.

There is no group tomorrow

I go to Papillion Friday for a check-up.

I used the T cream today.

[Devlyn]

Four years and still going strong, both you and the thread.   

Big hugs, Devlyn