MTF in need of help

[Laurie]

Hi Rachel,

  What wonderful progress you are making. I loved the potty talk. Just another woman using the powder room.  Gosh how they scare me. I've been in a few while on my road trip but none since. They are too much  high anxiety for me. I fell the same when I think of trying on clothes. 

  Keep going forward Rachel you're doing great.

Hugs,
   Laurie

[Rachel]

Thank you Laurie. I had a mental block about North Carolina. Everywhere else I am fine.

IMPORTANT
I called Papillion today. There is a different form they provide for a passport (not the pretty raised seal nororized SRS form they provide). They are sending one out for me. If you need a passport form make sure you tell them that.

[Rachel]

Tomorrow my hair grafts will be 1 week old and I am hoping are pretty stable. I did hit my head Saturday and there was a line of blood that went down my head to forehead. I leaned over to take off my lead pack ( I walked 5 miles Saturday with my 40 pound pack, Sunday without) and bumped my head on my car hatch back that was upright. I am hoping everything is ok. It looks ok.


Friday night is my 40th grade school reunion. I guess it will be an adventure I will be at a union hall and I have no issues what so ever with the unions. I deal with them every day at work. Still, I can not wait to see my grade school classmates. I really wish I did my hair grafts 2 or 3 years ago.

Next on my horizon is Nov 20 at Papillion. Dr. McGinn said she will close off the bottom of my vagina. I am apprehensive because as homework I had an assignment to have sex. More on that in a second. I will ask the doctor to look at my face and make suggestions about soft tissue enhancements such as jowls fat removal, jowl skin tightening and upper eye lift. I may want a little bit of a peak at the bottom of my chin too to enhance the V line. I will compare the costs with overseas costs. I trust her explicitly and that holds weight when comparing cost.


Sex, I will go through the patient portal with Mazzoni and request a script for PrEP. I am not having sex without a condom on the guy and even then I want to make sure we do HIV testing (free in the gayborhood) and with me using PrEP. So many of the woman I know have HIV and I do not want to get that or any other STD.

2 weeks ago ( I was in NC last week) I was walking on 12th street and a nice looking tall well dressed man put up his hand and said can I talk to you for a moment? I kept walking and said no. I was scared. There are not too many reasons guys stop transwoman on the street in the gayborhood. I should have talked to him. I feel really bad and I missed an opportunity to at least have a conversation with an interested guy. I really need to get over my fear.

I have had some really bad experiences with guys but I am attracted to them. I am afraid something really bad will happen. It is just what I think about. When I am with transwoman in the gayborhood I feel so safe. Guys will not mess with us. I park outside the gayborhood 5 or so blocks to save on parking. 2 weeks ago I went up a little to far and passed my car. There were 4 pretty big guys hanging out in an alley. The saw me and it was like they wanted me to join in with them. There was instant fear and huge red flags. I got out of there and did not make eye contact. Things to consider when you just want to walk down a street.   

[Rachel]

I had requested a script for PREP on the patient portal at Mazzoni. The doctor needs to do a blood test. He will do that when I have my stitches out from my hair graphs which is on 10/16.

I did not go to my 40th grade school reunion. I had a really tough week. My ex-wife put a bid on a townhome and it really hit me hard. Going to the reunion would have been too much. I had lost my confidence. I was an emotional wreck. It took me a bit to put into perspective my ex-leaving. The seller chose the other buyer. I think this week was a long time coming. I am good now.

I went to group and really needed to be there. Before group they were talking about the party after second Thursday group last week. It was with the Queer Fairies. Food, alcohol, pot and naked people. It started with naked yoga and went from there. A lot of people had been to the party. I got the nitty gritty and it was for the uninhibited.

I had been at the airport 2 weeks ago after the hair graphs for 9 hours before my flight. I had 10 opiates and 10 valium type pills. I had 5 left of each when I got home. I remember taking 1 of each.

[Laurie]

Hi Rachel,

  Hey girl it sounds like you've had a bit of a rough time lately. I'm sorry you have. For some reason it's is difficult to have a good time when you're feeling low. Well you got me with That party concoction you ordered. I had to look it up to find out what it was. lol I don't think I will be needing to order any of it for myself. (though I will admit to being curious) As for your group, well I guess I'm from a different era (or should that be eon) You would have to classify me in to the inhibited group. It's hard not to be when you are pretty much antisocial and that would be me. But if you are one of the uninhibited I say more power to you girl. I've often looked longingly on people that are able to party hearty and enjoy it. More often than not when I partied I made a fool of myself and wound up sick.
  Anyway Rachel, I hope your difficulties were only temporary. Get back in the groove and enjoy yourself.

Laurie

[Rachel]

Hi Laurie,

I have a trans friend that teaches yoga and thought about going to her classes. She is super nice and has a very grounded persona. Naked yoga is not my thing. Although you do not have to participate to attend. Free alcohol and pot is not a good mix for me either. As far as the people being there naked and having sex in public, not my thing either.

I know a few people there that were having sex and have HIV. I feel that sex is a personal thing and if I ever have sex it will be with a person I care about and or have feelings for and it would not be in public. I know a bunch of people that went for the food, alcohol and pot.

I am feeling better. I will get up and be in the park again tomorrow at dawn and walk 5 miles with a 40 pound pack go home shower, eat and get ready to work outfest in the gayborhood.

[Kendra]

Yeah there is short term or immediate gratification which doesn't always mesh with long term goals.  Many such choices - quantity and type of food, exercise, parties that get a bit too wild, etc.  Your careful decisions and progress over the long haul has inspired so many of us. 

[Laurie]

Hi Laurie,

I have a trans friend that teaches yoga and thought about going to her classes. She is super nice and has a very grounded persona. Naked yoga is not my thing. Although you do not have to participate to attend. Free alcohol and pot is not a good mix for me either. As far as the people being there naked and having sex in public, not my thing either.

I know a few people there that were having sex and have HIV. I feel that sex is a personal thing and if I ever have sex it will be with a person I care about and or have feelings for and it would not be in public. I know a bunch of people that went for the food, alcohol and pot.

I am feeling better. I will get up and be in the part again tomorrow at dawn and walk 5 miles with a 40 pound pack go home shower, eat and get ready to work outfest if the gayborhood.

  Well Good for you Rachel. You had me wondering with that post. I guess I misunderstood but like I think I said if those lifestyles are good for someone who am I to say it is wrong? It is just not this old fuddyduddy's thing.

I am glad you are feeling better

[Rachel]

This is important.

I got Saturdays mail and in it was my medical record surgical information for FFS done by Dr. Spiegel. He did a very good job on my FFS. I still need some soft tissue work and skin tightening but I was told that having the bone work and lower and mid face lift at the same time would result in an 80% face lift result as opposed to waiting 1 year after the bone work to have the lower and mid face lift.

Dr. Spiegel's office will be sending me a letter that they performed FFS and they asked for specific about when I when on HRT, who my practitioner is and therapist. I sent them the letter my therapist made for me for my FFS insurance appeal.

I had remembered reading in my medical record the reason Dr. Spiegel did FFS on me was Gender dysphoria present in adolescent and adult then the specific of the procedures. Mount Auburn Hospital switched to EPIC and when I viewed my surgical information it was gone. I contacted the Health Information Management department at MAH and received the pertinent information in Saturday's mail.

Dr. Spiegel would not state in my letter (pending) that I had Gender Dysphoria as the reason for FFS. In my medical record he wrote:

" Major Procedures and tests performed Facial Feminization Surgery (9/16/2016)
Problem/Plan:

1. Gender dysphoria in adolescent and adult
2. Encounter for cosmetic surgery ..."

then a page of procedures.

So I have Dr. Spiegel on my medical record stating the reason for my FFS as Gender Dysphoria.

When I get the letter from Dr. Spiegel and 2 from Mazzoni (LSW head of the trans program and my MD) with my letter from my therapist I then will either file an appeal with help from a friend on here and/or contact a lawyer that is a Harvard Grad, trans and does medical appeals full time.

Where I work we are self insured so there may be repercussions. This weighs on my mind.

[Rachel]

 I was discussing an issue I had at work with my therapist. I was pretty disturbing to me and it may be triggering.

My Operations manager was in my office. A few weeks ago when Trump directed the military to not enlist trans.  My Operations Manager said he agreed saying the military needs to be read for deployment and trans have a mental illness. When I said we do not have a mental illness he said why is it in DSM 5? Then he said what is DSM 5 for? I said not all trans have dysphoria and that even if they do when they enlist I said it is treatable. He said the military does not enlist others with a pre-existing conditions. I then said, please leave, the conversation is over. I was upset.

This week he was in my office and we were reviewing what we did over the weekend. I said I worked a table for work at outfest. When I was leaving I stood and watched the three preachers that were spouting off their usual you are going to hell stuff. I was watching and started to get angry. When the one preacher made eye contact and pointed with both fingers at his sign at me. I gave him the finger and yelled so stuff at him then went home. Well my Operations Manager said being transgender is a mental illness. He then repeated the DSM 5 statement and how employers have the right to not hire us. He then said if he said he was Napoleon and dressed like Napoleon should an employer be forced to hire him. I said nothing. I kept calm and made no comment or made no look and I did not role my eyes.  When he started the third iteration I said I have work to do and turned my back to him and started typing on my PC. I was really hurt and a bit angry.

Couple this with being on a LGBT panel for medical with all questions fair game , my ex-wife making bids on condo's and Town Homes, a class reunion I did not go to, a really stressful job and the normal stress of being trans and not able to blend in and I had a really bad week last week and Monday.

This week I put into perspective my ex-wife's leaving. Also, I came to terms on losing a work friend or someone I thought was a work friend. He made a lot of comments in the past over the years but I finally no longer want to have anything but a work relationship with him.

My therapist helped a lot the past two weeks. She helped give me perspective. One of the things she said was that transgender is not in DSM 5. She said gender dysphoria is in DSM 5. She next said something really powerful to me. She said I no longer have gender dysphoria. She is 100% correct. I never realized my gender dysphoria was treatable and that I addressed it. I still have insecurities and I still want my voice corrected and some soft tissue fine tuning on my face and tummy. However, I do not have gender dysphoria. I had it since I was very young and I addressed it. I need to start my life over and I regret losing my wife and daughter and I do not have GD.

So GD is in DSM 5 and GD is curable. Transgender is not in DSM 5. SO my Operations Manager is not a nice person and I allowed him to snipe and say mean things to me because I had a really low opinion of myself. I had a really low opinion of myself all my life.

My therapist said some powerful things. About how people at work support me and talk to me and care about me. She said I do not need to hold onto everyone and some people I am better to let go.

I tried so hard for so long to keep everyone and do almost anything to keep them. I am rethinking this and I will be letting some people drift away.

Monday I get the stitches out and discuss with the doctor about going on PrEP. I would need blood tests and the side effects can be considerable. I will need to really think about this. Especially since I am still yet to have sex since GCS.

I did 5 miles at dawn at Tyler State Park today with my 40 pound pack. I love that walk and the feeling I get when done. The deer are so pretty and the scenery is so nice and peaceful. 

When I was in New Hope today I purchased the matching earrings to my necklace. I also found another pair of absolutely beautiful earrings, for another time.

I do not have GD. GD is treatable. I do not have to keep everyone in my life and I can choose to let some people go. Oh, the preachers at outfest and pride are just as ignorant as my Operations Manager. 

[Laurie]

I read a lot of personal progress there Rachel. A lot of progress.

Now come show me how. lol

[Charlie Nicki]

He then said if he said he was Napoleon and dressed like Napoleon should an employer be forced to hire him.

I would have said "well if Napoleon has the skills required for the job, why not?".

[Rachel]

Hi Laurie, thank you. I wish what I learned was done many years ago. Unfortunately the lessons are learned one at a time and through a lot of pain and introspection. I guess I am learning to let go of the past and embracing the future. I know one thing for sure, some people are not good for us and excusing poor behavior, physical and mental abuse is unacceptable. They come to me because I accept them and want everyone to like me. I am afraid of losing anyone. Well that allows a lot of poor behavior from others to affect me. Instead I want nice people in my life.

Hi Charlie Nicki, I was hurt and trying to keep a clear mind. I was also listening to him spout off ignorance and keep my mind free of anger. I would much rather not engage a person like him. In the future I will be kind and professional to him but not allow a conversation other than work related to occur.

[Kendra]

I have never met your Operations Manager but I bet they aren't the best person for their job.  A crustacean clinging to the wrong side of history, griping about anything changing as the world passes them by. 

If Napoleon was here today he would fire your Operations Manager.

We only have a limited number of minutes per day at work and elsewhere.  People behaving like your Operations Manager have earned nothing more than a simple yes or no answer to business questions, and for topics unrelated to work they might as well be speaking an undecipherable language.  Spend more time with the cool kids - you'll win.

[Rachel]

Hi Kendra, thank you. You are 100% correct. I allow him too much space in my mind and need to limit his influence and exposure on me.

[Charlie Nicki]

Hi Charlie Nicki, I was hurt and trying to keep a clear mind. I was also listening to him spout off ignorance and keep my mind free of anger. I would much rather not engage a person like him. In the future I will be kind and professional to him but not allow a conversation other than work related to occur.

I understand your point. Just want you to keep in mind, I have found that the best way to deal with blind ignorance and haters such as him if you can't ignore them is to own whatever they're saying and just go with it and have a good comeback to it without letting his comments affect you. Rational explanations don't actually work because they're not interested in hearing you or learning.

But yeah it's best for your mental peace if you ignore him.

[Rachel]

Thank you Charlie Nicki.

I went my PCP, which is an LGBC health canter, for stitches removal and to discuss going on PREP. We discussed I am a virgin since GCS and that I want to become sexually active. We reviewed the most likely pool of guys I will be potentially dating (in the gayborhood) their potential for HIV and need to barrier protection for other std's. We also discussed blood tests for prep which I will do on Dec 4th and what to do in the mean time if something was to happen, condoms in my purse. We reviewed liver, kidney and bone density potential issues. He said some surprising things about HIV treatment just in case I do contract it.

I did not do a blood test yesterday because I still need some time to just be single. I am not ready yet to be with someone.

[Gertrude]

Please don't take this the wrong way, but why would you risk health/life?


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[MaryXYX]

Don't rush anything.  I'm just over three years post-op and by now I am interested in finding a boyfriend.  I've never had one.  I am quite a lot older than you are though ...

[Rachel]

Hi Gertrude, I would love to be with someone that likes me for me and not ashamed to be with me. I do like intimacy and would like to experience sex the way I always envisioned it. As far as risking my health/life I do not know if you are referring to PREP or having sex with guys in the gayborhood. PREP would be monitored quarterly with a blood test and if I react to it I will go off it. As far as having sex I would ultimately want testing done on both of us but something could happen and I am prepared just in case.

Hi Mary, I understand. I will go slow and only do something when I am ready. I want to explore and at the same time am apprehensive to ever let someone get close to me. I need to try to get out of my comfort level and just meet people for now.