MTF in need of help

[JudiBlueEyes]

"My ex said it is not a very feminine activity."    What does that mean and what does it matter?  At one time I raced sports cars and I will say the women that competed with us were just as driven to succeed as any guy, maybe more!  My spouse has a 2-seater with a manual transmission.  She won't drive an automatic.

"I am a Mechanical Engineer and love mechanical devices."  Then this is the kind of things you should do.  Don't waste time on doing or having things you don't love.  I'm sure you've figured out that life is short!
Judi

[Kendra]

> Should I sell the car or use it as a conversation starter?

I'd absolutely keep the car.  Enjoy it and all the conversations it starts. 

I have no intention of giving up cars, major home remodeling (just me, no contractors) or anything else I enjoy.  I'm just more free to be me, and keeping what I think is positive from before.  Rachel you worked incredibly hard to get to this point.  You earned everything you have.  Now it's time for you to start cashing in.

[Dena]

I drive a 96 mustang GT and I never have owned a car with an automatic transmission. If you enjoy the car, keep it. You will find the experience never gets old and you will still be enjoying the car just as much when you part with it as you do now.

[Rachel]

Hi Monica, I was always afraid of a manual transmission. I agree, I will have fun and use the car to meet people.

Hi Jen, you car sounds like it is very powerful, I bet you get a lot of conversations over it. Thanks for the advise. I need to learn a lot about the communication style. However, after my glottoplasty I tend to listen 95% of the time. I would definitely be honest and let them know I am a novice to manual transmissions and any pointers would be appreciated .

Hi Kathylauren, I agree I need to break away from the stereotype. I always wanted a firebird. I use to watch Rockford files and loved his car.

Hi Judiblueeyes, wow, raced sports cars. I know several woman that have muscle cars. The person that owned this for 18 years was a very attractive woman. She sold it because she gained weight and could not fit in it. It sat for 4 years.

Hi Kendra, thank you. I agree I have had my share of down and a little up is nice. The one thing I love about a manual  is there is no time to drift off and think about stuff, at least for now.

Dena, cool car. Thank you for your support. I am thinking about keeping it for a long time. I am getting over my fear of hills. I guess the only issue is with the hurst shifter and how I need to push it into gear and not be too gentle. I am still getting use to it.

[Dena]

If the car has an easy to use hand brake, the trick on a hill is to set the hand brake, start letting out on the clutch and when it grabs, release the hand brake. Most of the time I don't need to use that trick but if I end up on a really steep hill where I need the brake anyway, I just delay releasing it until I am ready to move.

As you become more comfortable with a clutch you will find starting on a moderate hill isn't that difficult. On the other hand, newer cars have the brake and gas petals near the same height so they can be worked at the same time with the same foot.

[Laurie]

Rachael you made me think of this with your talk of stick shifts.

[Rachel]

Dena, thank you for the advise. The emergency break helps. I practice in my neighborhood where I have some steep hills.

Laurie, that was good. When I was younger we would listen to the Bill Cosby albums then as we got older Cheech and Chong then Richard Prior.

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So I am going to Papillion for a 4 hour face electrolysis with numbing on 8/6/18. I go to two woman for a hour weekly and have about 250 or more hours of face electrolysis. I let my face hair grow out to see how long I need to grow my hair for the Papillion visit. It was a good way to gauge how much hair I have to go. The right side is pretty sparse. I have not had any work done on the left side doe about a year. I never had any work done below the jaw line on the right side. So I guess the electrolysis on 6/8 is my way of getting . A crash hair removal process going.

I was thinking of going to Papillion monthly or every 6 weeks for as long as it takes to clear my face. My goal is to do minor maintenance electrolysis in 2019 weekly.

On issue is growing my face hair out for the treatment. I am going to the Philly  Trans Wellness Conference the 8/2-4 and working for Mazzoni on the 4th. I will have some facial hair visible and it really is not comfortable. I will use hair trimmers to limit the length but I need 1/8 inch to 1/4 inch of hair. Definitely not the look I am shooting for. I really do not look forward to having facial hair and being in community.
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Voice
So my voice had improved a bit. It sounds low in volume and high in pitch. I sound hoarse.  It has been 2.5 months post op and I am nervous. I know I am relatively early in the healing and I need to just practice and be patient. In December I will plan accordingly an alternative route.

I understand how someone with a serious speech impediment are treated and how people react to their speech or lack of. Oh what a journey. I guess it is the price that must be paid.

[Rachel]

Therapist
I had a phone therapy session with my gender therapist today. I booked a hotel room at Rehoboth Beach in August. She mentioned that the one issue that remains with me is the PTSD from my past. The issues haunt me. I really have no defense against them and the thoughts pop into my mind and I can not stop them. When they do it alters how I think and I get emotional. She mentioned EMDR therapy. We would end or suspend out sessions and I would go to a specialist a few blocks from my therapist office. I think this is worth it. It is a bit unnerving switching therapists and I feel sad but it is time. After the PTSD is addressed I guess I will be done with therapy.

The stand in therapist I went to for 3 months while my regular therapist had her baby saw me as I was leaving my therapist office last week. She was escorting her patient out of her office and talking to her so I did not say anything. My therapist told me that she thought I looked familiar  but could not place me. Then she thought could that be me. She discussed it with my therapist and could not believe it was me. My therapist said, see you definitely pass. I guess I am 90% . I never get gendered incorrectly any more .

The two Aetna therapist have 3 more weeks and the program is done. It is for at risk people and it is good to get their perspective but they do not have trans experience. I mentioned dating and the one therapist sent me 4 trans dating sights. So I am playing nice with them but they really do not have a lot to offer me. I can not explain how I feel and the thoughts I have when certain past things enter into my head. I fear they will call the authorities. It is one thing to have the feelings and thoughts of harm but another thing to be stuck, not sleeping and doing acts of harm. I am so much better off now than I was 3 to 5 years ago.

Group
I have not been able to go back to group. I want to go but every time I think I would go I decide not to. I really like the people but something inside me has changed. I feel bad not going but I think I may have graduated there too.

So I am a bit lost at the moment. I am finding the group friendships are about transition and the pains of coming out and HRT and expressing. I have little in common with that any more. I can give support but I am well past that. I really have no issues being in public (minus the bathing suite fear). I will make an efforts to stop by group once in a while. Perhaps I will think about suggesting a co-facilitator role. I am thinking about something for the future.

Hair
Getting my hair colored tomorrow. I really like going to the salon. I will see Richard who is a great person. He is so giving to the kids in our community.

Saturday
Hiking, I will try 110 pound pack tomorrow and do 5 miles up and down hills. Then phone Aetna therapist. Next breaks and plugs on one car and ending with the movies at 7. Sunday I think I will be with friends at a movie in town. Then I will get a TV, mine broke a while ago. I only watch Netflix on occasion so it is not a big deal to me but my ex will be watching the dog when I go to the shore and she lives with a TV on all the time.

Anyone have thoughts on wild lettuce and CBT oil (Charlottes Web)? I got them for electrolysis. I also have prescription strength Lidocaine. I will try all three this coming week. 

[Rachel]

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*********Trigger Warning*********
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I went to the Philadelphia Trans Wellness Conference today, then my therapist then electrolysis.

I went to the conference. My work is a sponsor and we have a table. This year the Gender Clinic staff were staffing the table and it was at the medical tract area. I will reserve any other comments other than perhaps next year there will be a table in the medical tract area, where one should be and one in the general tract area where there is need as well.

I went to a first general tract seminar. There were three I thought I found of interest. 1) a sexual seminar about positive trans bodies, sex and then it went into enhanced sex with drugs and the street work. I chose to pass. 2) Suicide and how to prevent it. I chose to go to that one. I got triggered and left the conference. I chose to go to the gayborhood and check out the reconstruction on Walnut street from the water main break. Then eat lunch. I then went to William Way community center (LGBT ). I Saw my therapist and ...

Therapist
The seminar was spot on and they really knew what it is like and why. I tried to hold back the tears. I cried. I could not stop the tears.

I felt so out of place at the conference. I use to go there to listen to medical providers about HRT, FFS, hair transplants, BA and GCS. I did all that. I am moderating 4 seminars Saturday. Non of which are about transitioning. I chose yoga and mindfulness and the like.

My therapist said I am on the other side of transition. I am in the part where I am trying to look for my new normal. To find my way.  What I had in common in group and at past trans health (wellness) conferences is no longer the case. 

I questioned why can not take risks and meet others. To get out and just try new things.

She also said EMDR would not be the correct coarse of action for me and she then explained why. She had discussed it with the other practitioner.

I asked why I always felt so out of place. With Cis and trans and everyone in-between. Why am I so afraid of other people and why am I so afraid to let others in. She said it was because when I was young I associated those feelings on not being like the rest. I associated bad feelings about being different (the seed of self hate) and being me. I have PTSD from my past. I reinforced the feelings of being different and not "normal". I said I can fix this in a very low voice. She asked several times for me to repeat it. I finally did.  We then reviewed alternative to reinforce positive experiences where I can make new and health links.

I really am not ready for a relationship. I am having difficulty because I am lonely yet I can not let someone in. People that sexually and mentally abuse a little kid, parents that do not help little kids be their correct gender and then reinforce it with making their child feel awful because of who they are cause a lifetime of hardship for that person.

I really do not want to go to the conference tomorrow but I need to. It is my community and I need to some how figure out how to feel that I belong.  I need to feel comfortable in how I look. I need to connect with my friends and stop the dark thoughts.

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On another note Aetna wanted more info from Hahnemann for my glottoplasty and decided to reimburse them zero. Not good. I will need to resolve that.

Aetna wants a letter of necessity for a second BA.
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I just needed to get it out. I am not gong to do something negative. (truth be told it is something I live with and I need to find a way to change that)

[Rachel]

So I went to day two of the trans wellness conference and I am so happy I did. I saw a bunch of friends and I went to two fantastic seminars. One of which addressed the exact feelings I had been experiencing. It was for people that had transitioned and how things changed and what and what to do about it.

There was one seminar with a lot of sharing of how things are and how we cope, the brain coping connections and how to make new connections.

I will be going back to group, I really miss the people at group. Perhaps I will go to the William Way group which is a social group. IDK.

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I feel a lot better today than yesterday. Connecting with community is so important.

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Ok, so I have some thoughts. I need to get to 180 pounds, just 10 more to go. I think I will have a second BA. I may discuss it with Dr. McGinn when I see her in September. I will ask my therapist to write Aetna a letter of need.

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I have 3 weeks left with my 2 Aetna special therapists then I should be out of the program. I really need to get out of that program.
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About finding someone. I will concentrate on finding myself. I need to care that I am alive, find internal happiness and be me and the hell with other people and what they think.
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I am pretty tired of people thinking I am dumb because my voice is impacted.

My vocal fold area swelling is going down slowly. My voice is improving but the vocal folds are not touching and therefore I sound hoarse. I see Dr. Sadaloff in September and we will go from there.

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My glottoplasty claim from Aetna needs information requested from the hospital. They have not as yet provided the information and the $74,000 claim is in limbo.
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The claim for the GCS revision (without the charge from Dr. McGinn which was $0) is $24,000 plus.
Aetna requested more information.
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If my vocal folds do not touch the doctor will need to operate and do something to correct the issue.

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I want to go to India for some minor cosmetic work so this voice thing is impacting that. Just like the GCS revision impacted my two voice procedures.
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My hair was rocking today
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[JudiBlueEyes]

Rachel I'm glad to hear you went back to the conference and enjoyed yourself.   Regarding "finding" yourself, I think this is an excellent move.  I have long held that we cannot truly love others until we love ourselves.  That means we need to connect with ourselves and be comfortable with who we are.   I have followed your posts for quite some time and I find you to be an interesting, deep, caring and empathetic person.  You can see that too when you look hard enough.  It appears you are coming to that realization.  Love and companionship will come in due time, probably from an angle you totally unexpect.   

As to being on the other side of transition, this is true but sometimes I find it hard to accept.  I still go to group but not as frequent as I probably should as I really enjoy my friends there.  Your comment is a push for me to recommit.  I need to get out and do a Meet Up with other women.  I still have my old friends but as you have probably seen, the connection is different now.  Finding a new tribe is a goal for me.  Just a small tribe! 

A rocking' hair day is always a cause for celebration.  You go girl!!!!
Judi

[Rachel]

Thank you Judi for the support. I think I will make group once a month perhaps more. I do like the people there. It is the pain that others express. I guess I need to somehow not feel their pain or care, but I do. The pain of coming out, losing family, losing their job, losing their friends, divorce, children disowning them, getting HIV, struggling with alcohol and opiates and suicide.

I really need to find myself, what I enjoy and get out and do it. Meetup, I have done that and will do the with trans woman but other woman is a bit unnerving. There is a walking group or two at Tyler state park that would be awesome. I wonder how I would be accepted? I guess I will need to find out.
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I really enjoyed myself at the conference today. I forgot I need to volunteer from the 1st day of the conference. I volunteered to be a room moderator for 4 sessions today and that helped heaps. Volunteering for some reason always puts me in a great mood.

I spoke with Moses from Trancend legal. I had sent him my level one and two appeal documents and he remembers. He said he word take the case for a percentage. He stated some law for healthcare workers and how it was discrimination and I should be successful. I need to send him my level 2 denial and civil/mediation procedure from the advocate. I really hope I do not lose my job over this.

I did yoga for the first time today and love it. Huuum, I think I will take up yoga. The teacher has a studio in NJ but that is a bit of a hike. He has a web site radikalhealing.com .

So I volunteered with someone her on Susan's She is really smart and impressive and a super nice person. It is good to connect from woman on here. She told me she goes to Papillion for facial hair removal and did the numbing injections once and now just uses cream. I told her I did the numbing 6 times on the genital area. I am so apprehensive about the numbing. I will use Wicked CBD advance, 6 to 8 wild lettuce extract power capsules and some Motrin. 
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I am at a totally different place today from Thursday. I was so down on myself, I questioned how I looked, how old I am compared to the young trans, the desire to have transitioned when young, the feeling of not belonging, the feeling of being alone. When I talk to other trans woman they too experience the same feelings at times. I am not alone

I spoke to a friend. She is very nice and she told me about her difficulties. We never talked about that before. We discussed so much and some super personal things but we never spoke of this topic before. I guess we all have our share of insecurities and self doubt.

I spoke of the difficulties I was having with my Friday night Aetna phone therapist ( 2 more weeks and I am free). I ended the call early and just went to bed. I know when I woke up I would feel better. I have a 9 pm phone call with Aetna therapist #2.

[JudiBlueEyes]

I'm glad to hear you're feeling better! 

I took a yoga class (10 sessions) at the local Continuing Education program.  I loved it and fit in well.  Later I twisted my knee at home so I didn't take the follow up class but I will again in the fall.  It was definitely a judgement free zone with all abilities.  One thing I quickly noticed is our hips aren't as flexible as cis-women.  Or maybe its just me?   Give it a try!
Judi

[Rachel]

Hi Judi, thank you for your support. I think I may try to find a yoga place near me that has classes that fit my schedule.

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I went to Papillion today and did 4 hours of electrolysis on my face with numbing. I have another appointment in September and will be making one tomorrow for the same day I see Dr. McGinn. It makes sense to do both and save a day off. I think I will make a few more appointments tomorrow as well.

I used 1000 mg/cc CBD oil and 7 0 sized capsules of wild lettuce extract power and 600 MG of Motrin to take the edge off the needles. I guess it helped but the needles hurt.

There were two woman from Susan's there and one I know from group. It was fun to catch up.

Sooo a friend from group was working the lost and found at the Philly Trans Wellness Conference. She was talking to a transman that was looking for a friend. She texted me and asked if I would be interested. He and I have been texting and the next step is a face to face meeting.  I get told I pass. I get told I look like Gina Davis, a lot, by strainers. I lost weight and I think that helps. So of coarse I am a bit anxious about how I look. My voice is not good because the vocal folds have yet to tough and as such sounds hoarse. Confidence girl, confidence.

Today was a great day. I meet the electrolysis numbing epidural needle and survived. The point of doing this is that the machine can be turned up to a high level and really hurt the follicles. I need to kill the immortal follicles. This facial hair thing is really old.

[HappyMoni]

Go for it Rach! You are an amazing person (who is overdo posting a new picture by the way) and opening yourself to new people, new experiences is a very positive thing. Go for it!

[Rachel]

Hi Monica, I know I need another pic. I will try to get one tomorrow. I have just the one pic of myself. I know that sounds odd but. Oh, I have electrolysis Tuesday and Thursday so I will have some hair on my face. There may be some facial bruising too from the epidural needles.

[amberwaves]

It was really nice meeting you today.  I'm glad to hear you survived.  Ramona is awesome and I'll be back down there Friday for some more clearing of my own.

[Rachel]

Hi Amber, it was nice meeting  you too. I agree Ramona is very nice. Good luck Friday.

There is a car show Sunday in New Hope and I was thinking of going. Something to do at a minimum.

I have thermolysis tomorrow and blend Thursday. I am sick of the hair.

[Rachel]

I had a date with a trans man last night. I did not feel any connection and he has a lot going on. My thoughts were he needs to concentrate on himself right now but I could not tell him that.

This is something I did not realize until my Saturday phone therapist was asking me questions today. In the past week I did not think about killing myself. Not one time.

There is a car show in New Hope tomorrow and I will take the 1999 30 anniversary trans am to the show. I can not enter it in the show until next year. To be honest the show has some very expensive cars and I am only there to socialize and see some nice cars. My goal is to talk to strangers and feel comfortable or at least look comfortable.



I had my eval at work and did well; I am so relieved.

[JudiBlueEyes]

Have a great time at the car show.  There will be lots of folks to speak with and I'm sure your car will draw some interest.
Judi