MTF in need of help

[JLT1]

Hi Rachel,

I really have no words of wisdom tonight.  I just wanted to say hello.

Hugs,

Jen

[Rachel]

@JLT1
Hi Jen, I want to let you know I went to the final step with my insurance and secured a trans lawyer. He was going to take my case for a percentage. My employer would not allow the issue to go to court and would settle. The court issue would be after a letter to the head of HR. I had put a lot of effort into the book of documents and all the appeals.  I had to make a decision and I chose to stop. My employer had been very supportive and paid for a portion off all my procedures with the exception of FFS. I did not feel that it was right to go any further.
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@Alaskan Danielle
Hello Danielle, I read your older thread and new thread. I find a lot of wisdom in what you write. I do not comment a lot. Thanks for asking about the work issues and physical training.

I did not ruck or spin today. I moved a stack of fire wood instead. I needed to sleep in and rest. I hurt my neck last Monday and it is just now getting back to normalcy. I leaned back in a chair and flipped backward. My neck hit the chair behind. Note to self, never lean back in a chair again.

My next free time to spin is Wednesday and I will spin then.

I spin 3 times a week and ruck once a week and do time restricted feeding. Also, I take a routine of supplements and protein and self made capsules for a specific health reasons. I feel great and want to continue on this path.

Work, there are two issues. One I have to say I created. It has taken me a lot of time to realize the types of persons I attracted. My ex and a co-worker. I am learning to deal with the issue by limiting my exposure and being just about business. I am going to try a very different approach with all my staff. It will help with evaluations. Also, I am going to seek out additional professional support for the department and do a bit of restructuring.

The other work issue is with my boss. He said two things to me. One he stopped and I think was going to be very sexist. The other had to do with an initiative we are on. It is very disturbing to work very hard and get negative feedback as the only feedback and at that very rarely. 

I must admit I am very sensitive and read into what people say and mistake situational stress with being focused on me or my performance. I can read into things and hear things that are not as negative as I think or feel they are meant to be.
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I have a gcs revision procedure scheduled in April. It will close off the bottom of my vagina and remove some excess skin. This will be the last GCS revision and I will do no more work down there. I am happy with what I have now and only am doing this because it was pointed out as a flaw. I did not notice it. I thought I looked pretty good down there. But I guess it is not perfect. Anyhow, the excess skin will be removed and that will be good to.

I thought my vagina looks good and when presented with what could be considered a flaw or not 100% I agreed to the procedure.
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BA 2
I have come to the conclusion my breasts are pretty good and I want to keep them the way they are. No BA 2. I am getting tired of procedures and I have exactly what I originally asked for. When I am in spinning class I look at other woman and I am perhaps at the 50th percentile. So this page has turned.
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Loneliness
So I am lonely. I need to get out more but I do not feel comfortable doing so. For example, there is a post season football game on now. I could go to a place near me that has middle aged guys and watch the game, or pretend to watch the game. Perhaps someone would make conversation. Instead I am home watching Netflix and typing.

At some point I need to be a big girl and get out to the sports bar. I also need to get into the main gym after or before I spin. There are a lot of guys there.
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Meditation
I am meditating 5 minutes a day. It is a start. It is to relieve stress and quiet a racing mind. Also, I am not reacting to negatives. I am recognizing them and moving on. I want to avoid negative people. They bring you down to their level and it is not something I want to do or be exposed to.
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Clothing
I need to buy some spring clothing and perhaps some winter clothing on sale. Shoes, shoes, shoes, need I say more.

Rachel


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[JudiBlueEyes]

Hi Rachel,

"I am learning to deal with the issue by limiting my exposure and being just about business. I am going to try a very different approach with all my staff. It will help with evaluations. Also, I am going to seek out additional professional support for the department and do a bit of restructuring."

I think this is a good approach.  Sometimes it takes us a while to see how we do come across to others.  I know I probably limited myself when I was working by not being more cognizant of my behavior. 

"So I am lonely. I need to get out more but I do not feel comfortable doing so. For example, there is a post season football game on now. I could go to a place near me that has middle aged guys and watch the game, or pretend to watch the game. Perhaps someone would make conversation. Instead I am home watching Netflix and typing.

At some point I need to be a big girl and get out to the sports bar."

Really?  I think if hanging out in bars was your thing you'd probably started by now.  How about looking into a sports oriented Meet-up group?  Kinda the same hanging out thing only in a cohesive group.  That way you would get involved with a mixed group of individuals and wouldn't have to constantly defend yourself from being hit on.  You could "retreat" to having conversation with the girls in the group whenever you wanted/needed to.  I know there are lots of these groups in my general area.  I'm just not into sports.  You're in a big sports area with plenty of good teams so there are probably lots of fan groups. 

Meditating is good! 

I was coming through your area recently and wanted to reach out but it was getting late and I still had a ways to drive.    I will next time.

Judi

[JLT1]

Hi Rachel,
,
Last Wednesday, I got up, went to work and had a couple of meetings.  Then I ran over to the SVC to talk with the staff for an hour over lunch and drove back to work for yet another meeting.  After work, I went home, talked with my wife, watched some TV and as I was getting ready for bed, I realised that I hadn't thought about the fact that I am trans even once that day.  I was just a woman living a day.

Does that ever happen to you?  It was a first for me. But it was special.

Hugs,  Jen

[Rachel]

@JudiBlueEyes , Hi Judi, let me know when you are passing my area and if I can we can meet up for something to eat.

I am not into sports at all. However, I love to hike and a hiking meetup would be awesome. I think I will do that. I mentioned the sports bar, it is a pretty well known singles place and I really do not want to go there. I agree with your suggestion that having a healthy event and sharing it with like minded persons sounds like much more fun.

I have an issue with alcohol and pills and have been clean and sober for 21 years. I agree a bar is not a healthy place for me.
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@JLT1 , Hi Jen, I still have thoughts that I am trans pop into my mind as I do things sometimes. Like when I go into a bathroom at a place I have never been or buying clothes and trying them on. Shoes are an issue and when shopping I think about that. When I see a handsome guy, I think would he want to be with someone like me.

Work, I think about how I am treated differently now. I had my boss say to me 8 weeks ago that "now you sound like a woman" when I countered in a discussion. Then next meeting has said, "I do not know how to talk to you anymore" before I said anything. I thought to myself how do I communicate to someone that just shut down all communication. I went through my agenda and got out of there ASAP.

Last meeting went fantastic. I said the light bothered my eyes and sat next to him. I had my agenda but opened up and said I had a problem and needed his help to resolve it. I went over the department reorganization and asked for his opinion and thoughts along the way several times. He stopped me and said he could see the future pretty well and he said I told you that you needed a Director. I added and two more operations managers too. He said yes you need that too.

I think I learned a few things when dealing with him. I need to not sit directly across, it may be threatening. I need to not counter when he says something as it may be seen as being winey. I need to seek out his opinion and ask for his help in solving organization issues. I need to remember that he has "keen instincts".  How I approach something is as important as what I say or not say. I think this has changed since I transitioned. I am definitely seen differently.
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I rucked 2 miles today not the usual 5.1 miles. I did not ruck the last two weeks. I hurt my neck pretty bad and am 95% now. I had thoughts of further damaging it rucking and being there alone. When I damaged my neck I thought I had broke it. I said to myself, I do not want to die, not now. This is a huge change.

I have not thought about killing myself for a long time. This is something I just stopped doing a while ago, perhaps a years ago. It had been getting  better through transition. Then divorce had me in a bad way but that passed. I have a different life now. One that does not include thoughts of suicide.
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Spinning, I love to spin.  It has made a huge change in my body. I feel strong and I am losing the visceral fat. I have gained a lot of lean muscle too.
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Dr. Telang emailed me. I was going to go to India for some lower face tightening. Perhaps I would have some fat removed from the tummy area too. My tummy is looking pretty good now so I can skip that. I have an operation in April that I am not looking forward to. My voice operations set me back a year when I thought it would have been 3 months. I need to reply back this weekend but I really do not want another operation. Perhaps in the fall a mid face lift but I really just need some time without operations to just be me.
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I am looking forward to the spring and summer on the beach. I think I will look for a hiking meetup.
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Rachel

[Laurie]

  Hi Rachel. It sounds like you have been doing pretty good lately. I like the more upbeat postings I have been seeing recently. Your progress is showing girl. If you want to take time to just recover and live life w/o operations for awhile then by all means call them back and tell them "Not interested at the moment". It is your life and you can live it as you are wont to.

[JudiBlueEyes]

I belong to a hiking group on Meetup and recently adjusted my profile to see more choices.  I ended up finding an art enthusiast group and have gone on several museum tours already.  I've met some interesting people.  At the first Meetup a guy came up to me to discuss what I was looking at.  Was he hitting on me?  I don't know and I'm certainly too naive to have realized it if he was!

You are correct that you have a different life now.  I'm glad to hear you've determined how to work with your boss now.  Very interesting!  I wouldn't have thought of some of the points you made. 

[Rachel]

@laurie, Hi, I am glad to see you and Michelle are happy. I see that you are on your way to making some big changes. I am happy for you. I know the holidays are difficult times and I am glad you are doing well. I look forward to spring and summer fun

@JudiBlueEyes , Hi, I think your hiking Meetup advise is what I will be doing when it warms up. In the mean time I will ruck on the warmest part of either Saturday or Sunday. I love spinning and just got back from a session. I also went into the main gym and started exercising. There are a lot of very cute guys there, so maybe I will have a guy take interest. I may try the art museum meetup again.

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My daughter stopped over Sunday and we were talking. She asked if I would be interested in going with her for a few days down the shore. I said yes. I am so surprised she would say that. I hope we do this. I would love it if her mother would join in.

I see my therapist for the first time in a month and I have a few things I need to review with her.

1) I lost my cool on a co-worker three weeks ago. I apologized and I know why this occurred. It is not who I am and I never what that to occur again. It does not matter he is a jerk and said something triggering. I need to walk away. This was around Christmas and New Years which added to the stress.

2) I have been feeling a lot of sexual tension and I really want to find a partner. It is almost becoming a need. I have not felt like this for a very long time. Anyhow, I need to address my fears and go to places to increase my chances of finding someone. I really want to find someone.

3) I need for her to give me feedback on my voice and passing. I really need to know. She has said I look female but I question that. I do not get misgendered and I am treated female by strangers but I do not know.
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I think if I get into shape and look awesome by going to the gym and spin and do some weights then I would be more attractive to guys. I need to get rid of some more visceral fat. I am not fat but I have some fat in the mid section. It is not bad but I want it gone.

I feel great and have not had any suicidal ideation. I have noticed that about three days after I inject I have an upswing in emotions and 3 days before I inject I have an upswing in emotions. They are the opposite. One is emotions about others (seeing or heating something that touches my heart). The other is about emotions about myself or lack of a personal relationship. 

I would like to get a few winter sweaters on sale and I am looking forward to shopping for some on sale winter clothes.

[SadieBlake]

Rachel, my date from last week (A) suggested last night that we have sex tonight. We meet at 5 pm, plan to neck some omnthe bus and have sex as soon as we get to my place.

I'm in the worst physical shape I've been in in a decade -- still far stronger than average, however my stamina is off and I carry more belly than I'd like to. Yet I got laid Saturday (guy, special circumstances) and expect to make love with the prettiest and most emotionally compatible woman I've been on a date with in a decade.

It's about being happy in my own skin. I think people see that and it seems A is attracted to me as I am.

[Rachel]

Awesome news Sadie.

I know having some extra weight or having a lower than desired stamina is not what you want to show on an intimate date; however, like you said, you are stronger that most. I am sure your date is seeing past those items and attracted to you for a host of other reasons.

You may be a bit critical of yourself and your partner may find you very attractive.

I think you nailed it, being happy in your own skin. People want to be around happy people and they want to avoid sad people.

I know some people that do not have much in the way of things or money but have their health and a great outlook. People are attracted to them. I think it is that simple.

When going through hell do not stop and do not live there.

[SadieBlake]

When going through hell do not stop and do not live there

.

Good point!

Our stamina was just fine last night I do love being with solidly lesbian women :-)

[Rachel]

Gym,
I went spinning today and on Sunday's the teacher offers to take anyone interested into the Main gym. I was paired up to a woman that is really built. She is a spartan and does marathons and challenges. What was pretty interesting was she said three times she always goes in to the woman's gym and now she is in the general gym. I wanted to ask her some questions around that but I did not. There is another woman in spin that said something very similar about going into the woman's gym too. Both of these woman are very fit and built very well. I have a lot in common with them in the main gym issue. Is it because I am trans or because I am a woman. The line is getting blurry.

I think I can go into the main gym by myself now. I realize there are a lot of people that do not feel comfortable with their bodies or lack confidence. It would be nice to have a work out partner but perhaps in time. I am ok by myself. I forgot how good it feels to lift. It has been a while. I love that feeling

One thing I want to do is do squats with weights. I have done a million squats but never with weights.

I brought my new gym bag to the gym today. It is nice and definitely has female accent colors.

When I look in the mirror in the gym I see an upper torso that looks too wide. I guess the good thing was I did not obsess on my face or hair like I use to years ago.

When I looked in the mirror my breasts are definitely big enough.
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It has been about a month since I hurt my neck and I think I am 99% now. It takes one slip or fall to put things into perspective. It can all change in just one accident. Life is short, live life, love life.
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I need to get clearance for anesthesia from a cardiologist and have an EKG with interpretation scheduled. Tomorrow I will try to get that scheduled, again. I have the general exam and blood work scheduled.
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I am hoping to get to the beach several times this summer. So tomorrow I get into the 90+ day get ready mode.
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Now for something completely different,
I had a few orgasms post op but that was it. I had not had anything for about 2 years. I used the magic wand I purchased a long time ago for the first time. Anyhow, It is a wonderful invention and facilitated unbelievable clitoral orgasms (yes plural).

The issue before was it was way too stimulating. I realized to start off very soft and then in time I was able to increase to full contact. Wow. Way different than the male sexual response and sooooo much better.

I do not know if it is the time restricted eating, exercise, spinning, supplements or targeted dried extracts but I feel very sexually alive and I feel fantastic.
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I know I am trans. I think I do not pass completely. I do blend in well, I think. Anyhow, maybe I have been transitioning for so long that I feel right. I feel like I am just me and not trans, not male not female, just me. I never question my gender. I am 100% happy I transitioned (family issues aside) and I know it was the right thing to do, not 99% but 100%. I guess what I am trying to say is I feel right.

[SadieBlake]

Rachel, I'm curious, how long do you have to build that to get to your O?

Inquiring minds want to know! ;-)

[Rachel]

Hi Sadie,

O is much more difficult now that I have no T measurable. I take a dab of T Monday, Wednesday and Friday but my T when measured is 0. With higher T O is easier. A T of 40 to 80 ng/dl and O is much easier. I am afraid of a lot of things with higher T. One is hair loss, I had a lot of grafts and want to keep all my hair. Another are the side effects of T (long list) which I do not ever want to experience again.

With that said, the magic wand is a hardy vibrator and it takes time to desensitize the area on low. I use circular motions and up and down motions. I have my whole glands penis in the same spot as before. It is smaller now. My penile nerve was not moved. So, unlike some others, I have no erectile tissue in my labia so I start in the vagina area and slowly work on each side of the labia majora. Then above the clitoris. This is where the nerve is. When the area is desensitized I work on the clitoris, lightly. Very lightly because it is super sensitive. When desensitized a bit I can apply greater pressure. Next there are circular and longitude strokes. Speed is a choice too. Speed of the strokes and of the vibrator.

Think of it like a multi-inning game. There is first base, second, third and home. It takes time and a free mind. enjoy the pleasure and make it come in waves. At a point the waves take over and then there is an ending.

Hope this helps, plan on 30 minutes. I am sure if I surged my T it could be less but the pleasure leading up is the best part.

I have not tried lube on the wand head. HUUUUUUM.

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My dog is at the vet staying overnight for a glucose insulin curve test. Eating alone and not having a friend great you and be happy you are there is not good. I miss him so much.

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Cardiology, EKG, bloodwork and physical all scheduled for pre-work for the operation on April 3. I need to do a drop in chest x-ray. It seamed a long way off but it is coming very fast now.

After this I think I am done down there no matter what. Enough. I have to deal with the pain. I do not think I will even get the scripts for oxi. I did GCS and a revision without taking it so there is not need for temptation if I do not have it.
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[JudiBlueEyes]

I hope your dog's test result is all right.  I understand the connection to pets.

[Carmen-]

Honestly, you need to do what's best for you. You can transition and become a beautiful woman if you're willing to just let your past go. I know it's not easy doing that, but you are a woman and I think the only way you'll be truly happy is making that change. And to be truthful, losing your family is the worst case scenario. It's very likely, in this year of 2019 where trans people have been more accepted than they've ever been, that your wife and daughter will accept you for who you are and support you. You'll never know unless you tell them. And if you tell them and they have a negative reaction, that can just be your drive to go out there and make your transition. I think that no matter what happens, you're going to end up as a very awesome lady. I think being a woman is in your future and you will get there, I promise you that.

[Carmen-]

Oh wow, I didn't realize that the orignal post was from 2013 lol. I think I'm a little late!

Ahhh I'm dumb lol. I hope everything worked out for her.

[SadieBlake]

Thanks Rachel!

For now I'm still taking T and am mid-range however I plan to start cycling it as I've been unhappy with my mental presence even at that level :-(.

Lately I've not had the emotional energy to really seek orgasms, I asked you because I want to get back to it. The woman I was with last week it took her a very long time to get to her O (smiling inwardly here) and she was definitely a participant, at least that evening she needed to be in control of her clit to get there.

When I am getting serious about it, 30 minutes would be a short session. I've worked on it for 2-3 hours (blushing) and I also experience that the getting there is the part I live for. Yep to the motions you describe and honestly it's best for me now with a partner, someone caring for me and taking pleasure in my pleasure really moves me emotionally (and this is making it hard that my lover of last week hasn't been in contact so much </sigh>.

Yes Sadie has fallen for yet another woman.

Thanks for the feedback Rachel :-)


❤️❤️😘😘

[Rachel]

@judiblueeyes , Hi Judi, the dog is on insulin twice a day. I feed him very well and give him his injection. He is a really loving and good friend and I will do right by him. He has a checkup tomorrow at the vet.

@carmen- , Hi Carmen, my wife and I divorced. My daughter will not be seen with me in public and I do not see her much. Everyone is entitled to do what they want and I can not control what someone else does, thinks or feels. I do know that being safe and being myself has some wonderful benefits.

@sadieblake , Hi Sadie, you definitely meet a lot of woman. I am happy for you and hope you have a wonderful time.

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This month I need to get all my pre-operation testing for revision 2 GCS.
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I am making headway with electrolysis finally. I can see an end in sight and hope this year will be an end to electrolysis.
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In the fall I do want to go to India and have a lower face lift with Dr. Telang. Perhaps some vaso lypo and perhaps an upper eye lift. These are the things that bother me but at what point do I just stop. I am 1.5 years behind on these procedures. These are all cosmetic and it depends on a lot of factors as to if I proceed.
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Dr. Sataloff mentioned injection my right vocal fold with a substance that would looses the scar tissue and allow the vocal fold to move freely. I think that will be done in 6 weeks when I see him next. My hertz are perfect. I add in the singing coach with my next voice pathologist visit.
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One question I have is do I put myself out there to find company or do I proceed as I have been doing. It is not like I am cloistered. Sunday after spinning I will be in the main gym and Wednesday after spinning I will repeat the routine. I would go into the main gym tomorrow after spinning but I need to get the dog to the vet at noon.

It takes me a lot to change my behavior and do something outgoing and different. I think I will concentrate on fun things and things that interest me. If someone finds me interesting and want to talk I am always open to conversation.

[JudiBlueEyes]

I'm glad you're taking care of your pup!

As to changing behaviors, I agree that it can be difficult, more so as we age and "settle in".  But then we throw in transition and its a whole new game.  I had to force myself to get out but I'm glad I have.  I still have a little bit of  electro to be done and I don't go out when I'm growing out, despite it hardly being noticeable.  Internal paranoia I guess. 

As long as the gym satisfies your needs for the moment its fine, but eventually you'll need to expand your reach.  I know its hard to picture ourselves in the world but...  After one of the recent museum meet ups I was on the organizer posted a few candid photos of the group in the gallery.  I was in several and I was taken aback on how I looked and fit in with the group of mostly women.  Having seen candid photos at family weddings and such I know how I look but this was different and I was quite pleased.  Don't be afraid to put yourself out there Rachel.  You're a beautiful woman.