LiG's at it again...

[LivingInGrey]

I feel like I'm constantly mourning (mourning... not morning.... stupid auto complete) a death.

It makes me feel like wearing a bra and women's underwear is just holding me back from completing the grieving process. 

But when I think about spending a day not wearing anything, letting myself 'move on' I feel incomplete.

I've spent so much time at the end of 2012 almost wanting to get caught faking that I'm a guy but it feels like there's no girl on the inside of me anymore.

I wish I didn't have these thoughts.

I wish I was born a girl.

 

[JoanneB]

I feel like I'm constantly morning a death.

It makes me feel like wearing a bra and women's underwear is just holding me back from completing the grieving process. 

But when I think about spending a day not wearing anything, letting myself 'move on' I feel incomplete.

I've spent so much time at the end of 2012 almost wanting to get caught faking that I'm a guy but it feels like there's no girl on the inside of me anymore.

I wish I didn't have these thoughts.

I wish I was born a girl.

I blame the Mayans

For about the last 4 months I think I've been in the same frame of mind as you are. I am so overwhelmed with have-to's right now thanks to a long distance marriage with a semi-invalid wife and 3 homes to take of. Absolutely no time for me. Especially the "me" that was finally breaking out of her shell after many decades being encased in carbonite. That all needs to come to an end if I stand any chance of taking care of the far more important responsibilities I signed on for in my life.

I find myself falling rapidly into the old familiar role. Plenty of diversions and distractions right now to keep me from thinking about what should have (and now knowing absolutely for sure could have) been. Denial tries to cement it all together. "I am not a transsexual" I try to tell myself. "I was just trying to escape to a mythical magical life where things can be better. Geographical relocation on a sexual scale"

I mourn the death of the real me. I mourn the rebirth of the person I used to be, the person I don't want to be. I mourn realization of a lifetime spent faking being guy has so warped my humanity I no longer know how to have fun, to enjoy myself, to relax. I especially mourn knowing of a life that can never be after having almost achieved it.

[Isabelle]

I don't understand LiG... Are you on hrt? Even if you can't transition socially, hrt can really help you feel normal. You could potentially take hrt your whole life and not transition socially if that was what you needed to do.

[NotThereYet]

I second Isabelle's assertion: I am doing hrt, I have basically no male hair left anywhere, got my ears pierced, by body is turning more and more feminine (the avatar pic is four month old and pre everything ), my hips are getting wider, my rear and thighs are getting chubbier, my male parts are shrinking away to nothing and I feel female inside, yet... Yet, I am not waving any flag. I completely stealth. It feels so good!!! :-)

Just a thought.

Good luck,
Andrea

[LivingInGrey]

It's been a little over a year since I've posted this and I still feel the same way, though a lot has changed in my life since then.

I haven't been very active on the forums since this post but my desire to have been born a female hasn't changed.

I guess this is mostly to let anyone know that might remember me that I'm still around.

I just haven't felt like contributing much.

Sorry for the necro on my last post. Just didn't feel like starting something new. 

[Aina]

I understand that LiG, kinda in the same boat haven't done much to move forward. Then again there a lot in my way currently.

[stephaniec]

I just take it day to day . one foot in front of the other. The estrogen makes me feel normal though. I know with out it the dark thoughts would definitely be back.