I never thought I've so many traumas and grievances until I began to unwoven it.

[Medusa]

I always thought I created impenetrable shield and live in own sweet world and I'm cool about it.
But as I release my feelings, with help of HRT and start to discuss about my feelings and memories with friends, new issues coming to daylight, things begins to make sense, phobias and anxiety have reasons now
I wasn't at sweet world, just at deep apathetic depression, I just ->-bleeped-<- all and didn't see I was sitting at hole full of sh*t
Now I released all those feeling held locked deep, they are swirl all around me and brings me to crazy, releasing why I have fear of people, why I have so big problem to hug someone I like ....
All those scenes I was bullied because: I don't want to take shower with other, I don't want to play games/sports with others, Was outsider, freak, Cry when something happened to me, Wear girly things, Fight like a girl etc.
was sent to summer camps to be with boys, to become more boyish
pushed to activities with others
I had only defense, to close and build walls again world and after high school to run away from everything

[AbbeyNormal]

I hear what you're saying. I hated gym class because being naked with other guys felt wrong and nasty. Never saw the sense in sports, watching or playing. Got bullied because I wasn't really a "full on" male, but wasn't "sissy" or "girly" either. I cry in movies, picture a 48 year old male crying while watching "How to Train Your Dragon." Tried to be a man by joining the Army, didn't really work because whenever I used the radio the guys on the other end thought I was a girl.

Like you I closed off and hid whatever challenged my "maleness" and got angry at the world. Now that I'm looking into this through therapy I'm starting to see things in my life that shaped me and pushed me in a direction that was unhealthy. So instead of transitioning at 20, like I most likely would have, I'm transitioning at 48.

[Jamie D]

That's a familiar story for me too, Abbey

[big kim]

A familiar story to me also,I hated sports at school I scored a single try at Rugby and was allowed to bowl underarm at cricket!I was bullied at school until I got a reputation for fighting back not backing down and standing my ground.I didn't like fighting but as a big kid I was good at it.I found making friends difficult as I had a barrier that no one should be close to me in case my secret was discovered.