Somewhere, someone?

[candie]

I sat here the other night, searching the internet for something to help me understand more... something to tip me off on a good site with understanding people, sure there is this, Susan's. But even here ... there don't seem to be a WHOLE lot of SOs. I have gotten on the chat, and I've talked to people... but as my boy explained to me, not a lot of trans people stick with their significant others, especially during transition, its hard. Now he's far from being near the point of transitioning, and at that, it makes day to day life terrifying... You never know if today is a day he'll be relatively okay with the body he's in... or a day he'll hate everything about himself... The fear and anxiety of not knowing, is changing your body the smartest thing to do? What about family? What about when we have children? How do you explain it to your child? No doubt, fears most everyone involved in this faces at some point... but fears I am just not sure how to cope with. I feel like I have no where to turn, even on here, I've not got to speak to a significant other that wasn't also TG. I just wish there was somewhere else to turn, someone who could say hey... you can do this... Or well, look at it this way. Or even a FTM that could help me understand maybe a little bit of what is going through his mind, that he still might be a little afraid to come right out and tell me. Instead I always feel out of place... as though I am intruding... I'm not TG, so should I be here, do you understand that I'm not, that I'm looking for help to understand the person who I love who just happens to be trapped inside the wrong body? I mean, sure I find specification between gender not entirely necessary, I don't tend to identify with one more than the other, but I am female, and I am okay with that. I enjoy my body, and it doesn't upset me (usually)... So how can I begin to understand... Or even make him feel more comfortable talking to me. Because whereas gender is of little concern to me, it is of major concern to him, and I want to help him with that. I want to be able to be there for him when he doesn't feel well, and on those days where everything just feels completely wrong. Where he's found a good handful of places to turn for help and guidence after being at this for several years, I'm just starting, and I'm not sure where to go. So I guess, in this post I'm asking, for myself, and for anyone else who happens to stumble on it, who's in the same situation as me... or a similar one... what is a good place for guidence? Does anyone have any suggestions?

[Dennis]

I'm FtM, no kids, but am willing to talk about what parts of my life may apply to your partner.

I don't know that most TS don't stay with partners during transition. I think it's more that we get dumped by partners. That's what happened to me.

Dennis

[Kate]

not a lot of trans people stick with their significant others, especially during transition, its hard.

It really varies, I don't know if there really are statistics for this sorta thing. But I DO know that *some* stick together and continue having a wonderful - and often better - relationship.

But there are so many variables, both for you and him. If you're sexually active, transitioning can really confuse things for example.

Now he's far from being near the point of transitioning, and at that, it makes day to day life terrifying...

Exactly what my wife said (I'm a M2F, not an SO) for a decade+. She ALWAYS told me she *knew* I would one day transition, I always denied it, and she had to carry that fear all by herself for far too long. I feel SO horrible for doing that to her, but... I did it. The fear of losing everything and everyone we love often scares us away from telling The Honest Truth about what we need to do.

I just wish there was somewhere else to turn, someone who could say hey... you can do this... Or well, look at it this way.

Does he have a gender therapist? Most will offer group sessions, where the two of you can sit down and discuss all this together in a moderated environment.

~Kate~

[lizaard]

Candie, no one can know precisely what you're going through as you and yours are unique, but I would suggest that you pay as much attention to your feelings as you are to his. You need to care for yourself in order to care for him as best you can. What are your feelings? Betrayal? Anger? As though your reality were torn away? Grief at a loss? Perhaps something completely different. Whatever they are, identify them and allow yourself to process them. The two of you are in this together, and he needs to know that you will need his support and understanding as much as he needs yours. It's not an optimal situation - both of you in need at the same time - but it exists. As you share your process with him and ask for his help and understanding, and in turn give the same to him in his journey toward his true self, the groundwork for the two of you coming even closer together will be laid. Seeing a gender therapist, in group or as a couple, is an inspired suggestion. You will not only see that you are not alone, but can be guided to make sense of the myriad of feelings and thoughts that are bombarding your mind, and forge a path to understanding both for yourself and your husband. Believe it or not, this is a  great opportunity for you - an opportunity for growth and insight as never before, and for developing an even deeper bond with the one you love. Never lose faith and hope - all the best.
Addendum to previous post: check out urnotalone.com On the topmost bar, click on "people". You will then have the option of selecting different criteria for a search. Select "friends" in the "group" catagory. There are a lot of SOs on this site, and I've found it to be a very supportive group.

[candie]

I'm FtM, no kids, but am willing to talk about what parts of my life may apply to your partner.

I don't know that most TS don't stay with partners during transition. I think it's more that we get dumped by partners. That's what happened to me.

Dennis

In response to your statement of TS not staying with their partners, I didn't mean that one sidedly. I meant, that often times, due to the stresses, somone from the relationship leaves.

and Thank you... for you willing to talk, now I'm just curious as to how? I was looking for a way to e-mail you or contact you over this, but I couldn't find a way.

[Bob]

Candi:
as far as I know this is the best place for help and support.... period.
I am a stright laced, red blooded Male.... that loves females I am not TS. but My Kid is.
She is a MtF  and I refure to her as HER... not Him as that is what She wants!
Lets face it Kiddo we can't possably understand what is going on in the mind of another,
even if your likes and dislikes are exactly the same... its impossable!... So resolve yourself to be in the support mode if not the understanding mode...  I can't understand why My Kid wants to be Female, but I do know its right for her, its what she wants and therefore I support her and her efforts, even if I can't understand the inner workings or her mind.
I cautioned her at How rough a challenge she is takeing on , that even I wouldn't take it on  as it is far too much for me.... even if I wanted it ! I'ed sooner hide in the closet myself
... because to do what these Kids are doing has got to be one of the hardest things to do that I can think of...
but you must understand its not just a want....its a nessisity to them... and there is a vast diference between the two... this is something My Kid has no control or choice about
to hide in the closet would be denieing herself. so she MUST stand up and be counted
its as if she woke up from a dream and found the nightmare was for real, she had some how gotten the wrong body... and being the inteligent person she has alwayse proven herself to be, she chose her path quite easily... transision.  to one day be able to look in the mirror and say yes I am finally Female....at last....
it has nothing to do with sex or any of its preversions, it is simply female mind in a male body..... a birth defect. 
though this birth defect is a mean one, unlike being born with a physical defect, this is a mental defect....and you have to change the body to meet what the brain thinks it is.
not change the brain to meet what the body is... we simply cannot do that yet.
but the body can be changed. so there is hope that the female brain may at some time in the future be able to be at peace with the body and be one a complete individual
much like You or I that we take so much for granted most of the time.
...
I see Worry in your post about  am I doing the right thing?  what the HECK CAN I DO ?
and all the other things that come with it....
   You are doing all you can by being understanding and someone that he/she can talk to
let your actions be tempered by love, their mood swings are many and frequant...
try to alwayse be there with love ,support and correction if nessarry... Just because this TS thing pops up does not mean you can't correct your child, if you love your child you will correct them, instruct them , teach them.... male or female they still need to be lead by the nose <grin>
...

Haing in there Kiddo, its harder on you than it is on them ! because You can amagon all the possable problems that will arise, and can do nothing to stop it.
  though they insist its a rough road to hoe, and I am sure it is , Its harder on the parent or SO than it is on the TS sometimes...
so.... I have a trick I use that has served me well for over 50 years...
a saying so to speak.... " let it roll off like water on a ducks back"
if you've ever poured a hand full of water on a ducks back you would be amazed at how completely the water rolls off... nothing remains of the water...its gone.
so should you do with your pain and fear, let it go !.....completely
...
for what its worth ! I hope it helps, you are not alone !



Bob.........

[Dennis]

I'm FtM, no kids, but am willing to talk about what parts of my life may apply to your partner.

I don't know that most TS don't stay with partners during transition. I think it's more that we get dumped by partners. That's what happened to me.

Dennis

In response to your statement of TS not staying with their partners, I didn't mean that one sidedly. I meant, that often times, due to the stresses, somone from the relationship leaves.

and Thank you... for you willing to talk, now I'm just curious as to how? I was looking for a way to e-mail you or contact you over this, but I couldn't find a way.

Sorry Candie I forgot - have to have 15 posts to use the PM's. Email me at dennis@susans.org

[ftmshubbie]

Hi there, Candi. MY name is Dan, aka "ftmshubbie." My spouse of 25+ years came out to me 2 years ago as trans. He began on hormones a year ago, and he had top surgery last September. You can find me hanging around the #chat and #SOtalk chat rooms here at Susan's at least a few evenings a week. Please feel free to join the chat rooms and get my attention. I'll be happy to meet up with you in the #SOtalk room to talk. That's why it's there(and why I'm there.

By the way, did I mention that I love my sweetie deeply, and we're together--perhaps better than ever.

Dan

[candie]

Hi there, Candi. MY name is Dan, aka "ftmshubbie." My spouse of 25+ years came out to me 2 years ago as trans. He began on hormones a year ago, and he had top surgery last September. You can find me hanging around the #chat and #SOtalk chat rooms here at Susan's at least a few evenings a week. Please feel free to join the chat rooms and get my attention. I'll be happy to meet up with you in the #SOtalk room to talk. That's why it's there(and why I'm there.

By the way, did I mention that I love my sweetie deeply, and we're together--perhaps better than ever.

Dan

i've dropped by the chat quite a few times... but usually im the only one there... i'll just keep trying!