Depression is something I know very well. It seems like that it is my normal mode of existance. For years my parents would send me to different therapists and I wouldn't even go inside. I didn't want them to try and change me. Oh how I wish I talked to them then. I ended up trying to kill myself and that put me in a mental institution for around a month or so. I came out feeling great as I thought my days of sadness were gone.
I mean who wouldn't? I was put on Prozac and sent on my way. I got back to school and all of a sudden I was popular for what I tried to do to myself. I convinced myself that all guys must of thought about wanting to be female. I mean how could they not? I also assumed it was a natural extension of my attracton to women. I pretty much decided that being social was more important than my grades. It seemed it at the time and I loved it because it was such a huge change from what I was used to. I was homecoming
queen king
runner up 3 years in a row.
None of this changed how I felt about myself. I did manufacture an ego, though it really wasn't genuine. I hid my insecurities behind confidence.
I suppose that I really doubted my desire to be a woman because it was so different than the typical story. What I have learned and should have known is that it is the exception rather than the rule. I never felt like a girl per se as a child. I just felt very wrong and I knew I was different somehow. The boys didn't want to play with me, and I had no idea why. I always wanted to play with the girls. I was facinated by their games and how they socialised. I would start crying for no reason and I had no idea why.
My depression has taken on many forms. Even now I get depressed and have my doubts about transition. I am super critical of myself physically although I have gotten a lot better recently. I am starting to see a girl in the mirror more and more. I thought I wanted full FFS and now I am not so sure that I need it. I have resigned myself to tweaks I suppose. So days I just don't feel all that female and things don't seem so bad. Its difficult giving up the woman you were going to marry and a future for anything, even if it is the right thing.
So far, the hormones seem to be right for me. It feels surreal and yet sometimes I look in the mirror and ask myself what I am doing. I am almost too careful. The GID seems to manifest itself in frusteration more that depression and self loathing at this point. I see a beautiful girl and it just pains me. Some days, I am in my car in a perfect mood and singing along to the radio, but I see a gorgeous girl walk by and then another and another. By the time I get to my destination I am in a horrible mood! Where were all of these beautiful girls when I was trying to date them?
It seems like everyone moved here when I began my transition!
Regardless, I don't think my depression is over. I feel as though in the end, what I will be depressed about will be less about me, and more about life's daily trials as a human being instead of as a transsexual. That would be alright with me
