I can't figure me out.

[Melinda]

Just what am I...

I seem to have mixed reactions about C/D, part of my body feels female I have always been kind of feminine  w/ the way I walk and talk, except a deep voice which I hate so much and the other part is male I can't say I like nor hate being a guy but i wish somethings were different. 

It started off as a fetish and i have since then out grown that completely.  Now its just me getting more daring about what I wear around the house, I still live with my parents which isnt a bad thing I got my reasons and those are valid enough to not move out.  I have a pair short shorts 2.5"inseam that I wear often and misses 14 low rise flares, I used to get whered you get those pants from...they look too tight, my response has always been I hate baggy clothes I always end up pinching or mashing my junk against one pant leg or the other...   
HEY!  don't visualize that one okay  it is painful enough having to deal w/ it!  I only wish I could do without those twins, and not have to take hormone shots to make up for it.

  The most daring I have gotten was wearing a strapless little black dress outside last week, Im non-op & dont wish to have it. I am a natural 34B not man boobs I over fill a balconette without pulling/stretching the skin, my lower extremitys are rather small and have been since I can remember they havent grown in size from when I was 12 till now at 26.  I can tuck it all into thong though now, I was surprised when i could wear lace boyshorts.

I used to have long hair but I got tired of it getting in my face I was shooting for platnium blonde which is what my natural hair color used to be, what a change that'da been coming from brown. So long as I shave and dont wear glasses(to that effect I'm legally blind) or speak I think I could pass. I am still attracted to women, i have fantasys but thats all they are.   

Trying to suppress this makes it worse. Thats why haven't posted much I havent been able to sort it out much more than this.

[PeggiSilver]

Honey, it is OK to wish for explanation, but I think that the easier way is to focus your energy on accepting yourself as you are...
You see, we are all creeps (not in a bad way at all!), and we all have our own story.
You have a deep voice, I have giant brows,  some people have wide shoulders...
Be unique, and dont stream to becoming a clone of your imagination of a perfect CD, guy or a girl.
Since I can't help you very much, this is all i can say to you.
good luck,

Peggi

[Laurry]

Hey Mindy,

Once we open the door of possibly living "outside the norm", the journey really takes off.  Once we entertain the thought that we really could look, act and dress in a manner opposite of our birth-sex, there is a sense of "rightness" that cannot be denied. 

It also brings millions of questions, and most are not as easy as "I wonder what color of lipstick would look best on me?"  They tend to be things like, "Am I a woman in a man's body?" "What will this do to my family? My job? My friends?" "Is this wrong?" "How far will this go?" and, always in your mind, "What if I get caught?"

We question our gender, our sexuality, and even how we live our lives.  I wish I could tell you that a good couple of weeks of hard thinking would answer all those questions, but we both know it wouldn't be true.  It's not easy, and we all struggle.  It could be that you are Transgendered a little differently than you thought.

For me, the question of gender was hardest to classify, as I have never felt like (or self-identified as) a man and yet I knew I wasn't a woman.  I am very male-like at times and very female-like at others.  I enjoy dressing as either gender, though tend to prefer women's clothing (I like wearing short shorts, and it's hard to find men's shorts that aren't knee length.)   

I started trying on "labels" until I found one that seemed closest.  I am also aware that it doesn't fit exactly and that I can trade it in for another one any time I wish.  For me, the current label is Androgyne.  There are many "flavors" of Androgyne, and from your comments you may find that it is a convienient handle for now.  You might not. 

Just spreading "the good news"...LOL  Our worship services start at 8:00 and an offering is never taken.   >

If we could wish everything into making sense and working out, as nice as that sounds (and it does), we would miss the reason for the journey.  It is not the destination that is important, it is how we live our lives along the way that matters in the end.

Hang in there.  You'll sort it out, and however you identify yourself is fantastic.

Hugs.....Laurie 

[Autumn]

Speaking mtf tg (Though I honestly don't like the label, it's the truth and I can't think of a better description)

Throughout my teenage years i had what I thought was fluctuating attraction to men. I fought terribly against it because I didn't want to be gay.

It was only after I suffered a physical injury that left me wondering if I'd ever be able to be sexual again that I began to really wonder about the nature of sex and sexuality.

I realized that gay wasn't right at all for me, besides the fact that I feel no emotional attraction to men (part of how I was raised influences this, I'm sure), but mostly because I'd been wanting to be a woman during all of the fantasies I had. I got very big into lingerie and such for a while until I got over it (second puberty I suppose, hah) and now female clothing/androgynous dress is creeping into my daily attire. I remember reading, back when I first started my journey, a post about tucking by a MTF who said that it gets a lot easier once putting on womens' underwear stops being an arousing experience. That stopped a while ago, but the damn things just won't stay in place anyway :p You seem to be over the sexual burst that comes from the early part of the journey, which makes it easier.

Mostly, you have to find a center in yourself that brings you piece. Make the changes you can that lessen the anxiety, and work from there. You seem to be doing a decent job of that, but of course there's so many levels. A big one is validation/acceptance by others... I have luckily gotten to experience that, something that a lot of TG/abnormally gendered people don't get to.

I'm very physically and emotionally attracted to women, yet filling the male sexual role is heartbreakingly difficult because it's wrong for me. I've had female friends who were bi who said women for sex, men for relationships because women are bitches. I think I'm more men (only) as a sexual interest (haven't tried yet), women for relationship and physical if I don't have to be masculine. Though with the women I've been involved with, i really should be looking towards men 

[gennee]

I embraced the fact that I am a crossdresser and transgender. The journey has been both strange and wonderful at the same time. I'm content and happy and liberated. Self acceptance opens the door for self discovery. In time you will see that the journey will eventful and yet wonderful.

Gennee

[Mattie]

Mindy, given the physical description, it sounds like Klinefelter's.  I'm not a doctor but that sounds like it should fit.  Klinefelter's is having not just XY or XX chromosomes but XXY which gives the male body a more feminine look such as breast tissue and a softer look overall.  We're all searching for answers, some are more sure than others so just do what makes you feel most like yourself.