I need some advice.

[Jason_S]

This is my first post on here, I'm typing it late as I don't want anyone in my family to know.
Just a little info about myself: I am Male, 19 years old ( 20 in just over a week ).

Recently I have been having strange thoughts about myself and investigating further seems to make it worse. I've always been different in a way but I have never been sure why.
During school and college I've always avoided the company of other males, for some reason I felt attracted to males more than I did females. In a strange way, but I just kept putting it back and saying I'm just going through a phase and going on with it. But I've never had the confidence to try and make friends with the females at college which meant I was very isolated during education.
However, after several years of putting it back, something has just clicked. Dreams I once had as being a Male have completely changed, in fact 90% of the time I fantasize about being a female. It makes me feel happy and warm inside. I've suddenly begun to feel emotions that were repressed for such a long time that I had completely forgotten.

I feel that I desperately needed to get this out somewhere, I feel very discouraged from telling anyone about what I really feel like except under exceptional circumstances where emotions would just appear. In those instances I would normally get stared at or turned away from which made it very embarrassing .

Just recently I have started to feel the need to sing along to songs I hear on the radio, I know I used to sing when I was younger but I had drowned it out for a long time after that. Actually only on the way home from work tonight, as I do a car share with a female, have I felt that I could express myself a little. It felt like something I just had to do, however quietly so she wouldn't notice.

I would be very grateful if someone on here would be able to help me? I really don't know what is happening to me and it is making my already pretty unstable life unbearable. With the shear amount of new things I'm experiencing in combination with a new apprenticeship I've taken up I don't feel the same as I once did when looking back a couple of years.
Sorry if I seem to repeat myself several times but my mind is in almost complete meltdown at the moment.

[Jason_S]

Simply enough I just want to know, is something about me really changing or is my mind just playing tricks on me?

[Jason_S]

I would appreciate someone who has experience in dealing with these kind of changes to give me advice on what I should do.
Anything would be helpful at this moment as the amount of things going through my mind is making it difficult to concentrate and sleep.
I don't think I've had a good nights sleep in weeks.

[Keira]

I went through almost the same thing. I had to deal with the stress of college, working part time, and figuring out my gender identity. In all honesty, the only thing you can do is either ride it out, or get rid of one of your stressors.

No one can really officially tell you if you are transgender or not. I had to spend months trying to figure it out. Personally I just spent a lot of time reading other people's experiences here. You may not just be mtf, you could also be genderqueer, genderfluid, or any other variation. I primarily identify as transgenderqueer (primarily female, but a genderqueer female).

Try to look back on all of the things that you feel make you transgender. Make a list of reasons you are trans, and reasons you may not be. This personally helped me sort out what I was thinking. Although, don't be surprised when you make more than one of these lists.

Just my two cents though...

[Brooke777]

I am not a therapist, but it sounds to me like you are finally starting to figure yourself out. Just because you have had feelings like this does not mean you are transgender. Like Sky-Blue said there are many variations of different people out there. I think that you should continue to explore yourself and see where things lead you. There is no rush. You are still very young.

[V M]

Hi Jason 

Welcome to Susan's    Glad to have you here, deciding if you are a transgender person is ultimately up to you    Possibly it would be a good idea to seek out a therapist in your area who is experienced in transgender issues

If I understand correctly, the UK has really good programs to help transgender people 

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Hugs

V M

[Jason_S]

I can't thank you enough for the kind responses to my problems. Its so refreshing to have someone's opinion
who has experienced the same as what I am going through now. My family is very judgemental and it worries me deeply when I consider what they would say if they found out I felt this way inside. I've always kept it secret from everyone, this is the first time I've just been compelled to speak with an open mind and come clean with how I feel on the inside and not just what people see me as.
I will continue to explore myself from now on and see where it takes me, I will never know who I really am until I do so. Perhaps it will help put my mind at ease or just make me think even more, we'll just have to wait and see.

Thankyou again for the insightful responses and I look forward to finding who I truely am on the inside.

[Cindy]

Hi Jason,

Well it is a weird and wonderful ride we go on, and of course everyone is different. Are you TG are you Gay are you a sensitive guy. Who knows. Many of us have been through these felings and they can be scary, well I'll tell you a secret, they are scary .

So how do we get to grips with our thoughts, emotions and feelings?

One of the best and quickest,and many people find very helpful, is to talk to a trained gender therapist. I presume you are in the USA? But msny of your collages etc seem to have therapists that you can met. The other way to find people is to google 'gender therapist in my town'.

It can give you a starting point. These people BTW don't wave a magic wand and say 'Yes I know what you are!' They get you to think through your thoughts and understanding of yourself.

With a person of your young years it would be good to get some ideas of how you feel and want to proceed, so that you can enjoy your life without years of recrimination thinking ' What the F am I?'

And of course you have all of us willing to help.

Hugs
Cindy

[Jason_S]

Hi again, just to let you know I actually live in the uk. This morning was a little better after the things I've been reading here. For the past 6 months or so though I don't actually wear mens underwear or boxers. I much prefer these cycling shorts which either gender can wear as it does flatten my front out due to the extra padding they have. I am currently trying to lose the weight I put on during hard months to find out more of how my body is shaped.

[spacial]

Hi Jason.

I too live in UK.

Basically, just to emphasise what others have said and say welcome.

[Jason_S]

Also, I'm currently finding it extremely difficult to express my true self around my family. With the immense amount of suppression I have developed to keep my emotions in check. I can't let my emotions out at all.
Where would I begin to break down this mental barrier I have developed for myself over the years?
I think I would really need my own space to start exporing my inner self. But the only place I have is my converted, tiny downstairs bedroom which is just big enough to fit my bed, a small chest of drawers and my temporary wardroe into. My 13 yr old sister has a bigger bedroom than I have.

I think also on 2 occasions in the past I've actually been home alone that I experimented with the clothes I wear. I actually took the dive and tried on lots of female clothes and spent the majority of the day wearing them with all the curtains closed. I remember those 2 days like it was yesterday as it felt fantastic.

I've always fantasized about being a female that I loved the name Laura, rarely I would actually put my name down as Laura on a form then realise what I have put. But I wouldn't change it immediately, I would ponder over the thought of being called the name I've always thought I would of been called if I was a female.

[Jason_S]

Ahhh, I really don't know what I'm on about. I feel this way, I look the complete opposite on the outside. How do I explain what I feel to others without being slammed down as I have in the past. I think I'll see if I can find a therapist somewhere around where I live who I could actually afford to see. As an apprentice the wage is just terrible and limits me in ways I can't begin to explain.  Who could help me take the first few steps onto the path I want to go down.

If anyone else in the UK, somewhere about Shropshire, has anyone they could recommend for me it would be a great help.

I tried to explain my feelings tonight while watching TV with my mum & dad, I was actually showing a very Feminine side of me which rarely comes out. I was sure they knew something was wrong as they kept asking me " is there something wrong? ". But I just couldn't give them a response. I blanked and went with just trying to deny it. They stopped asking after a few minutes or so but I just couldn't bring myself to tell them.
What is wrong with me??

[Keira]

Apparently the same thing that is wrong with me.

I feel like I can't tell them...

The worst part is that I have already told them once and they don't believe me. I don't know how many more breakdowns it will take me to tell them again.

My mom doesn't understand what it means as far as how I am going to change how I look, she just thinks that I am trying to "fit into a subculture". And my dad accepts that I am the way I am; but behind my back he is disgusted.

[spacial]

Jason.

Keep calm woman, you're started, but it takes a while and gets really frustrating at times.

But you will get there. I know because many here have got there.

There is very little in your posts that is in any way unusual for any of us. gmale or gfemale.

But it takes time, plus a load of faith in yourself.

[Rachel]

Jason_s, welcome. You are among friends and we understand and are here to help and listen.

There is nothing wrong with you.

I recently had my 1st session with a social worker specializing in gender. It was the best thing I could have done. The relief was outstanding, when I left I was walking on air. I need help, I am in the process of getting the help and I am starting to understand me. You to can get relief with the help of a therapist. We are here for you, hugs.

[Jason_S]

Hiya, I've calmed down a bit now. Was a bit of memory overload yesterday, so many things that I had forgotten in the past all starting to re-appear at the same time. Its actually beginning to scare me at just how much was still sat in the back of my mind. I'm considering starting to shave off hair in areas which aren't really exposed. If there would be two things about me which I have never liked would be my height and how much my hair grows on my body.

[spacial]

They do that.  You have a lot to get through and will by not loosing faith in yourself.

But you're among friend here, most of us have been where you are at and are going your way.

[Jason_S]

Well I went for it earlier today. I spent about 2 hours in the bathroom removing at least most of my armpit hair. Probably sounds a bit nasty, but it feels great. Still would like to remove the last bits of hair which still remain but for the most part it definitely feels more comfortable.

I've been looking into trying some female clothes but I'm a little concerned about my Height. Being just over 6ft its proving a challenge, as most of my height is in my long legs. At the moment the only trousers I can actually fit into are 34" and 36" in other styles with a 36" waistline as a lot of the weight i put on went straight to that area so I had to get bigger trousers. Hopefully once I lose some weight I'll fit back into a smaller size but for now I'm not sure where in the UK I could try to get clothes which would fit me.

Any recommendations???

[Jason_S]

I could also do with a more reliable method of removing my hair. As my skin is very sensitive and is prone to becoming red and painful when using a standard razor for men I find it difficult to even shave off my facial hair on a daily basis.
What would be better to remove my body hair with? I've seen a lot of these new IPL devices which have had a lot of reviews from people saying it really does work. However they are a bit on the expensive side but I would gladly pay out if I knew it would work.

What do you use? and would I be able to use it to??

[Jason_S]

I think I've finally taken a step in the right direction. I confessed my feelings and emotions to a good friend via a chat system we have used for ages.
We have been good friends for a number of years and I thought he would be the most likely to understand. Relieving for me to find out he is completely fine, even happy to find out more about my inner self rather than what he's known through the years. He was very kind in the way that he is also different but still very much male oriented.

It feels great to have finally told someone, I felt very anxious before laying down the information. I spent about an hour pondering whether I should or not, but in the end I did it.
I don't think I'm ready to tell my family yet though, that'll have to wait until I am more comfortable with myself.