need some support

[Sydneyblue]

Im trying to keep my emotions togther and take this reasonable. Ive been taking hormones for 2 years 3 months. I looked in the mirror today (i look in the mirror all the time).

Some of the issues i have had is due to taking pills with no blocker for the first year. This is what my endo had me on after the first year my t level was higher than when i started. I feel this pain inside that kills me. I think about what might of been if i stayed clean and my hormones were right. To be fair the fake that pills didnt work for me is not my fault my level seemed to be ok at 6 months but was on the high female side.

This process is hard for me i dont pass even a little bit. I feel ashamed that i have to show my male face to women. I go to AA and the men obviously dont get it. Its like nothing has changed i cant be expected to speak to all of them that im a transgender person. I bascially just go to meetings and sit and listen. Ive been going to meetings on and off for years.

I think this is hilarious i even get misgendered at glbt aa meetings and one who i suspect to be a transman. There is this one guy who is a senior he also has dementia. He will say to me hey "mister" over and over to be fair he does it to everyone. This is at the glbt meetings.

Ive been getting better at make up i think and wear it everyday. I have noticed that if i wear more colors that will help from looking to male. I noticed in others what will look too male so i decided to expand my closet and trying to stay away from black and grey and stuff.

The only time i feel good is when im alone doing my thing and doing errands like getting my passport. I think the best thing i did was get my name changed and my gender marker changed because people have to respect that.

I kinda strayed from what i was going to say. I am depressed about my body and the progress with hrt. Theres nothing i can do being 2 years in other than keep moving forward. I feel like if i was more passable people would feel more comfortable with me. I think im pleasant when i go out i feel like the more you smile people seem to connect to that rather than not. I still feel ashamed and i get that look when you get a smile but they have something behind there eyes like wtf is this or something.

Im lucky to still have my aa sponser who is a women. Being on hrt is better than not. once in a while something cool happens. Im soon to be looking for work im waiting for my annuity money. I do have a plumbing license. Im really kinda curious whats going to happen with that. Am i going to even get a job? people are going to think im crazy obviously im not. Its like my lack of progress with hrt is messing me up.

I should of had my ffs long ago. This is it i dont think my body has changed much at all i think if i went off hormones for a few months i would be back to were i was prior to starting hrt. I feel like im holding on to what i have be a thread. If i dont get any feedback im going to delete this account and try to find support somewhere else. ive been disappointed so far.

[MaidofOrleans]

I'm sorry you're having a rough time but honestly I don't see what support you are looking for from here based on what you posted. Do you want suggestions on something? Answers to questions? I cant tell.

[Jamie D]

SydneyBlue, I am looking at your avatar photo, and you remind me very much of a MtF poster on YouTube whose channel is "minorqback" (Jordan).  Jordan is an athletic transwoman who has had some FFS and is very outgoing.  She is in her mid-20s, I think.

I don't see the things in your picture that are holding you back.  Building up some self-esteem, by having a job, making friends in your meetings, and realizing that you are still at a stage of transition that you will be misgendered, are all good steps.

Set yourself some goals.  One thing I have come to realize is that we are our own worst critics.  We will always see our "old selves" instead of the progress we have made toward our "new selves."  Your biggest self-criticism is about passibility of your face.  Set yourself a goal to have some sort of FFS, and maybe even investigate how you could look with a virtual FFS service.  I can get you a link, but I have seen them in the FFS board.

Don't give up hope at becoming the person you were meant to be.

[Cindy]

Hi Sydneyblue,

I get the feeling that you have let circumstance dictate to you rather than taking charge and doing what you want. Nothing happens without us really pushing ourselves to the limit.  Miracles do not happen, unless you make them happen, and I think you are waiting for the miracle.

Yes you are depressed, as my endocrinologist said when I told her I was depressed, not F'ing surprised you have been in the wrong body for 50 years.  She wasn't dismissing it. She had, in very few words totally described it, it hit home like a rock, I thought about and said. OK I'm know changing my body, depression won't help me, I'm on meds they will look after me, but I will go and take the world on and be me.

Funnily, six months later I'm off depression medication for the first time in god knows how many years.

You are struggling for a job, why? You are a licensed plumber, do it.  The only thing stopping you is you. I had a woman transitioned where I work, she was an electrician, transitioning didn't stop her form being an electrician, her male colleagues didn't get on her case, just the opposite, they cared about her and protected her and became very very sensitive about her.  She was a similar build to you, she accepted herself and walked the walk, and guess what, people very very quickly treated her as the woman she was, and transforming physically into.

I have a very strong belief, because it is how I have transitioned, is that looking female and girly has very little to do with being accepted.  It is your mind, your confidence, your drive, your love, that gets you accepted. Ok I think I look pretty good now, but I couldn't wait to look like me, to be me. It would have been as equally ridiculous, I may as well have gone to work in a tutu and said Hi I'm now a woman!

I am a woman. It matters not an iota what I look like. It matters nothing of how I dress. I am a woman and I demand to be accepted as one.

How do I voice that demand?

By being me, by being the female me, by casting off the shell.

Oh I'll be subject to ridicule! There is not a creature that walks, crawls or flies that can ridicule me more than I can. I know what I am.

You want to make a joke about me? Tell me one I haven't lived.

There is NOTHING anyone can say to me that makes me feel bad.  I know me. I'm proud of me.  I have lived in Hell and I walked out. They don't know what Hell is. They do not even know the colour of the walls in Hell are.

Sydneyblue, where am I going with this? You have fallen into a spiral, you have in fact started to come out. I responded to your first post and you are making progress. Be proud.
You can do this Honey

Hugs

Cindy

[Noelle]

Im trying to keep my emotions togther and take this reasonable. Ive been taking hormones for 2 years 3 months. I looked in the mirror today (i look in the mirror all the time).

Some of the issues i have had is due to taking pills with no blocker for the first year. This is what my endo had me on after the first year my t level was higher than when i started. I feel this pain inside that kills me. I think about what might of been if i stayed clean and my hormones were right. To be fair the fake that pills didnt work for me is not my fault my level seemed to be ok at 6 months but was on the high female side.

This process is hard for me i dont pass even a little bit. I feel ashamed that i have to show my male face to women. I go to AA and the men obviously dont get it. Its like nothing has changed i cant be expected to speak to all of them that im a transgender person. I bascially just go to meetings and sit and listen. Ive been going to meetings on and off for years.

I think this is hilarious i even get misgendered at glbt aa meetings and one who i suspect to be a transman. There is this one guy who is a senior he also has dementia. He will say to me hey "mister" over and over to be fair he does it to everyone. This is at the glbt meetings.

Ive been getting better at make up i think and wear it everyday. I have noticed that if i wear more colors that will help from looking to male. I noticed in others what will look too male so i decided to expand my closet and trying to stay away from black and grey and stuff.

The only time i feel good is when im alone doing my thing and doing errands like getting my passport. I think the best thing i did was get my name changed and my gender marker changed because people have to respect that.

I kinda strayed from what i was going to say. I am depressed about my body and the progress with hrt. Theres nothing i can do being 2 years in other than keep moving forward. I feel like if i was more passable people would feel more comfortable with me. I think im pleasant when i go out i feel like the more you smile people seem to connect to that rather than not. I still feel ashamed and i get that look when you get a smile but they have something behind there eyes like wtf is this or something.

Im lucky to still have my aa sponser who is a women. Being on hrt is better than not. once in a while something cool happens. Im soon to be looking for work im waiting for my annuity money. I do have a plumbing license. Im really kinda curious whats going to happen with that. Am i going to even get a job? people are going to think im crazy obviously im not. Its like my lack of progress with hrt is messing me up.

I should of had my ffs long ago. This is it i dont think my body has changed much at all i think if i went off hormones for a few months i would be back to were i was prior to starting hrt. I feel like im holding on to what i have be a thread. If i dont get any feedback im going to delete this account and try to find support somewhere else. ive been disappointed so far.

HRT didnt do anything for me either, so dont waiste time thinking its your dose, ive tried every different hrt regimen under the sun and well... it just doesnt do much at all for me. And i guess your like me.

For us, surgery is the only option. If you can afford it which i cannot, congrats on your annuity. Finding work is hard even if your a good looking person who isnt transgender. So if your unpassable, in this economy, good luck. Ive been applying everywhere and cant get anything. Ill probably be homeless when my unemployment runs out. I also lost all support when i transitioned, so if i do run out of money and cant find work i literally have no where to go. Too bad, i liked having a place to sleep and food to eat.

I guess what im saying is, it could be worse but yah it sux.

[Maegan]

Noelle and Sydneyblue,

I am so sorry to hear about your misfortune and the fact that things are not quite working out for you girls. I am not going to get into medical stuff and say that maybe your hrt regimen/dosage is wrong. I a pretty sure that you have both done your homework along with your endo and doctor.

What I would really like to say to both of you is : Stay positive. Don't give up! Please! We are all here to lend an ear when you want to rant and throw your toys out the cot.

Noelle, you seem to be very negative about everything. Please sis, I don't mean it in a bad way,but you are busy dragging one of our sisters down a deep hole.( Once again, pleeeaase don't feel offended by what I've just said ) We should rather try and be supportive to each other. We have a sister in need here.

For us, surgery is the only option

I was wondering how surgery is going to change things? Will it really make a difference at all? What is surgery going to change, if anything at all? (think about that)

All changes start with you, and you alone.

Read what Cindy has said.

I get the feeling that you have let circumstance dictate to you rather than taking charge and doing what you want. Nothing happens without us really pushing ourselves to the limit.  Miracles do not happen, unless you make them happen, and I think you are waiting for the miracle.

Do something positive, see the good things!! Stop worrying! You will see that with a positive frame of mind comes positive thoughts, which WILL lead to a change in your circumstances.

Trust aunty Maegan. Been there, done that!

Now get out there and change the world!!

Huggs

Maegan

[suzifrommd]

This process is hard for me i dont pass even a little bit.

The happiest trans women I know, don't pass and they know it. But they're so thrilled to live their lives as women and so comfortable with themselves that it doesn't faze them.

And pretty much everyone around them accepts them as women because, despite being non-passing, their femininity is obvious.

If you end up passing, great. If not, you can be proud of who you are. You can be proud of your courage, be proud of being able to survive living as a male and later as a member of your true gender, proud of being a beautiful (if non-passing) woman.

Sydney, all women are beautiful. Unfortunately, it's not always up to us exactly how that beauty shows through.

[Noelle]

Noelle and Sydneyblue,

I am so sorry to hear about your misfortune and the fact that things are not quite working out for you girls. I am not going to get into medical stuff and say that maybe your hrt regimen/dosage is wrong. I a pretty sure that you have both done your homework along with your endo and doctor.

What I would really like to say to both of you is : Stay positive. Don't give up! Please! We are all here to lend an ear when you want to rant and throw your toys out the cot.

Noelle, you seem to be very negative about everything. Please sis, I don't mean it in a bad way,but you are busy dragging one of our sisters down a deep hole.( Once again, pleeeaase don't feel offended by what I've just said ) We should rather try and be supportive to each other. We have a sister in need here.

I was wondering how surgery is going to change things? Will it really make a difference at all? What is surgery going to change, if anything at all? (think about that)

All changes start with you, and you alone.

Read what Cindy has said.

Do something positive, see the good things!! Stop worrying! You will see that with a positive frame of mind comes positive thoughts, which WILL lead to a change in your circumstances.

Trust aunty Maegan. Been there, done that!

Now get out there and change the world!!

Huggs

Maegan

I know i might seem negative, but i see it as the truth. Ill be having a great day until i hear a comment from some stranger, Ive always been a realistic person.

You talk about the super happy transwomen that dont pass at all, well i dont see how they do it, how do they continue to beleive they are seen as women when just walkin through a store they are subject to this same scrutiny. How can they beleive they are seen as women when obviously not everyone does? How do they get past the personal issues of even knowing all the differences between them and cis women. For regular people it hurts.

Surgery fixes what people see.. we live ina physical world and just going about living your day, people who see you and know nothing about your personality only have your appearance to go by.