When should I come out to my mum?

[TragicMagic]

Hey!

I'm 18 years old and living with my mum (going to uni this autumn though) and was just wondering when the best time to come out to her would be? I can either do it straight away (I'd have her support from now until October) or I could do it just before going full-time whenever that may be (then she'd know once I'd started hormones and laser hair removal that I'm serious and a lot of thought has gone into it. Also once my body starts to change, and I start looking more feminine, it will be a lot easier for her to accept since it will be less of a shock)

What do you think I should do?

[Nicole]

do it in your own time.

You've also got to remember that you must break it to her in a caring kind way - don't be blunt!

[Cindy]

Never a good time and never a bad time.

How about now?

[SunKat]

I think it depends on what sort of relationship you have with your mum.  If you are pretty confident that she will be supportive then I think the sooner the better.  Give her a little time to get used to the idea before you go off to university.  Let her spend some time with the "new" you.  Some day you may come to cherish this time that you had together.

If you aren't sure she'll be supportive... then it may be best to hold off on telling her until you feel you're established and ready to be independent.

Good luck either way.

[justmeinoz]

Basically when it feels right I would say.  By that I mean whenever you feel confident to open up.  Perhaps gradually,  it might be worth approaching it more from the "Questioning" point of view at first until you have an idea of her likely response.

Hope it goes well.

Karen.

[Albina]

In general, if you 100% positive about your condition, than I would say the sooner, the better. It also takes a lot of time for the relatives to adapt to that idea.

[Jamie D]

Hey!

I'm 18 years old and living with my mum (going to uni this autumn though) and was just wondering when the best time to come out to her would be? I can either do it straight away (I'd have her support from now until October) or I could do it just before going full-time whenever that may be (then she'd know once I'd started hormones and laser hair removal that I'm serious and a lot of thought has gone into it. Also once my body starts to change, and I start looking more feminine, it will be a lot easier for her to accept since it will be less of a shock)

What do you think I should do?

In my experience, college was a good time for growth, experimentation, and finding out who you really are.  Most colleges also have student health centers, therapists, and other counselors.

I don't know the dynamics of your relationship with your mom, or the rest of your family, so I am hesitant to suggest anything.

[Jennygirl]

I waited to tell anyone until the day I started hormones (started laser the day before). I think it does do something to let people know you are serious. Plus it feels even better for yourself, to know that you are already on your way... that there is no going back from here on out. I remember being absolutely floored with excitement. I think it gave me a tad bit more confidence & positivity in those initial coming out conversations which lead to many great reactions ... still going strong on that vibe! Confidence in yourself will be your best friend through this part if you utilize it the right way!

I would say the sooner the better though. One thing my mom did say is "oh my gosh I am SO glad you told me now, I would have been kind of offended if you would have waited much longer". Usually parents I think just want to be on the same page w/ their kids. If you have a good relationship w/ her (for some reason getting the feeling you DO), she would probably want you to tell her as soon as you are ready- it is the more respectable thing to do for a parent that really loves you regardless of what you're going through.

[zelda]

I am almost the same spot you are in
but I am finishing up my last year of High School
and going to college after that
I will be going full time as soon as I get to college
for I came out to my parents at the beginning of my last year of high school
they pretty much crucified me for that
so I shall be going on this amazing journey with out them
but I think they will come around after they see me so happy after I transition

if you start transitioning and then tell her
she could be more accepting
because she sees you really want this
but if you do it know she might not take you so seriously
because she cant see the real you
I think people tend to be more accepting if they see the real you
and it is really hard to see the real you wail you are in boy mode
I do think if you wait and change first she will be more shocked
then if you told her now
but she should be more accepting of you then than now

just remember one thing
we are you family
so if your mom doesn't take this well
at least we your family will be very supportive of you

May the world one day see how amazing we are
but for that
the world must open their eye
and stop pretending that they are blind
and start seeing us for our true selves

[Rita]

When your ready,  parents are sometimes blind to these changes because they see you differently.

I recently came out to my parents~ and even with my hips and breast development they really didn't bat an eye lash until I told them(really mens clothing sucks, they show off some goods but put on a good blouse and its night and ay).  First time I went out in girl mode in front of their eyes, they were quiet but the look of shock(not bad shock) in their face was quite pleasing.

[Kayla]

The best advice I can think of is the old cliche "tell her when you're ready." That said, if you are sure she will be accepting, or if you're sure she won't be vindictive towards you about coming out, then the sooner the better. I don't know your mom, but if she's anything like mine she'll try to talk you out of it regardless of how far along you are. Better to get that shock out of the way and hope she comes around. Not to mention, while coming out is scary and sucks, it does feel good to finally get it out of the way.

Plus it feels even better for yourself, to know that you are already on your way

I will second this. I can't count how many times I just had random tears of happiness start flowing because I knew I was "doing something about it."

[calico]

I think it depends on what sort of relationship you have with your mum.  If you are pretty confident that she will be supportive then I think the sooner the better.  Give her a little time to get used to the idea before you go off to university.  Let her spend some time with the "new" you.  Some day you may come to cherish this time that you had together.

If you aren't sure she'll be supportive... then it may be best to hold off on telling her until you feel you're established and ready to be independent.

Good luck either way.

This right here is good advice; if you and your mom are good together, and she is fairly caring and accepting than go for it. but if she isnt, than I would wait to be planted to where you can support yourself.
When I told my mom it was a disaster, in fact the whole begining was a disater almost got lynched/killed had to run away and then my mom wouldnt talk to me for a very long time. it took me being succesfull and put myself through college and such to get her to realise that I was so much better off and happier. I honestly think at the time if I had of just killed myself she would of been happier, but now everything is peachy and we get along very well.

[Sarah Blomsterhatt]

I told my mother quite some time before I even started seeing a therapist, and I was also sure to get her support. And I told the rest of my family around the time I started seeing a therapist. This was almost a year, if not more then a year before I started dressing in womens clothes. And looking back it has worked out really great for me, as it has given my family time to get used to the thought over time, even before I started transitioning for real. Mind you I'm pretty sure they did not understand it at all or get that I was serious until I did start to transtition for real and started to occationally wear womens clothes. Because I could still see the shock in their eyes when I went out to dinner with my parents wearing a lovely dress for the first time. But atleast they knew why, even though it was a shock to see their oldest son becoming a women and presenting as such.

I would say unless you're sure of bad consequenses for telling your mother, go for it. I've been suprised at how open and supportive 95% of the people I've told have been. It's amazing how the people around you that really care for you, really do care for you, no matter how you dress, present, or what gender you are. My own mother is amazing and have a very simple view on things (well it's very simplified, but it sounds great to tell it. ); "As long as you're happy, I'm happy.", and when it comes to clothes; "You can wear whatever you want, as long as it looks good."

These are some of my experiences and again, I would say, go for it. You might be suprised how supportive she'll be.