What can I do?

[MRH]

My mum has been 100% supportive of me since I first told her I was trans. She was the person who gave me the courage to change my name by deedpoll and the one who always encourages me to go ahead with what is right but there are a few issues.

She still always calls me "she" and she always calls me by my birth name. I've told her I'm okay with her doing this when we are at home and it's just me and her but in public I need her to try a bit harder. I understand it's natural to refer to me by my female name, heck even I have to remind myself to introduce myself by my male name at times, but I don't feel like shes trying. I've been out to her nearly two years.

Tonight we had some family friends round and they were asking me questions and so on. I showed them one of my favourite transguys on youtube to show them what he looked like before T and what he looks like now. My friend was saying he was absolutely gorgeous but then my mum said "Really? So if you knew he was female you would still find him attractive? I wouldn't"

This hurt me a little but I figured not everyone is gonna be attracted to a transperson. I think it was just how she said it and plus it made me feel like no one would ever be attracted to me. I have a boyfriend who is supportive of me being trans and who wants to stay with me but he is a straight guy so there's a big chance things will end between us. My mum says to me every now and again she doesn't think anyone will like me because a gay man is gonna want the whole package. They won't want anyone with female genitalia.

My friend was in the middle of watching a video and my mum just slammed the laptop shut and things felt a little tense. I can't help but feel that even though my mums wants me to be happy and she wants me to do what's best, she's secretly wishing I'll change my mind. Everyone in my life pretty much calls me by my male name but my mum just refuses. I think once I start T (which should be in a few months) and more physical changes happen she might start to call me by my male name.

For the time being though I don't know what to do and I don't know how to make her happy. I want to make things better but I need to be myself.
At what point am I being selfish but at what point am I being spineless? How can I make her feel better without leaving my own comfort zone?

Thanks

[kira21 ♡♡♡]

You are probably right. She seems to be saying things that are harsh in order to try and make you change your mind, because she thinks that you would be happier. That doesn't mean she is right.

In fact, she is completely wrong. I bet, having come as far as you have, you will be much happier being you. Also, there will be plenty of people who will love you for you.

As a MTF who likes guys you look good to me :-) and whether you would like me or not makes nooooooo difference, becuase my brain could be in any body at all :-) (unlucky for me that it was in the one I got!)

If I were you, I would be very tempted to put my foot down and only respond to your new name. Half measures invite half responses.

Good luck, have fun :-)
x

[spacial]

I was very tempted to respond to this last night, but decided to wait.

Mums are an immovable force. You have yours on your side now just be grateful she doesn't tell everyone what you did on the potty at two, or show the baby pictures. That's mums for ya.

At the stage you're at, it really is about you and how you see yourself. Being wrong gendered might be a little annoying or it could be a little amusing, but only if you know you're being wrong gendered.

Question a teenage boy's sexuality, (not recommended, just posing), and he will probably become quite aggressive. Same thing really. He really isn't sure yet.

Now, you need to just remember you're a nice looking guy with poor taste in sunglasses. If someone mis-genders you, then you could joke back something along the same lines. But either way, it has to be a little funny.

[Emily Aster]

She still always calls me "she" and she always calls me by my birth name. I've told her I'm okay with her doing this when we are at home and it's just me and her but in public I need her to try a bit harder. I understand it's natural to refer to me by my female name, heck even I have to remind myself to introduce myself by my male name at times, but I don't feel like shes trying. I've been out to her nearly two years.

If there's one thing I've learned over the years, it's that you can't give people choices when you want them to make a specific decision. If you want her to use the correct pronouns and call you by your real name, you can't ever allow her to use the old ones. She will choose what's comfortable for her when given the option.

Tonight we had some family friends round and they were asking me questions and so on. I showed them one of my favourite transguys on youtube to show them what he looked like before T and what he looks like now. My friend was saying he was absolutely gorgeous but then my mum said "Really? So if you knew he was female you would still find him attractive? I wouldn't"

I read the bolded section differently than the rest here. I didn't see it as her stating that he used to be female. What I saw was that she was saying that he IS female. Why else would it make a difference in how attractive he is if she doesn't still view him as female? Maybe it's reaching, but I just feel like based on what you wrote that she's being supportive as best she can, but doesn't really accept it all as fact.

[JulieC.]

I agree with everything that's been said by Flick, Spacial, and Emily.  I do want to add one thought though.

For the time being though I don't know what to do and I don't know how to make her happy.

I'll bet she is thinking the same thing.  She probably just wants you to be happy in the end but isn't sure your path is right one.  She may come around on her own or you may need to convince her.

[MRH]

I don't think she's hoping I will change my mind but I think she's just worried in case I've got it wrong. Admittedly she had been drinking a little last night when she made quite harsh comments and I normally try to avoid the subject when she's been drinking as she'll either behave quite aggressively or start crying because her "daughter is never coming back."

I told her last night that my dad now calls me by my male name and I think this annoyed her. My parents are divorced and my mum still has quite a lot of negative emotions towards my dad. She just said to me that he doesn't have to see me every day so it's easy for him to get used to it but as I'm in her life everyday it's difficult.

I do think that once I start T things will change. It's like my grandma calls me by my male name but still uses "she" as she always says to me "You look so much like a girl though." I pass about 90% of the time as male now but I guess the people who are closest to me and have seen me go from looking completely female to male are gonna be able to spot those features that still appear female to them which makes it hard for them to see me as all male. I'm hoping that the changes that come with being on T will start to make them see me as more male.

And how dare you insult my sunglasses Spacial

[spacial]

Best of luck MRH and big hugggs