my first post here

[holly_]

Hello everyone,

I'm new to these forums and wanted to introduce and tell a little bit about myself.

It all started in elementary school when I would look at all the girls wearing lovely dresses, long beautiful hair and asked myself why I wasn't like that. I would sit in my bed at night just trying to wish and cry myself to sleep hoping I could wake up and be a girl. Later in elementary school I met a girl who would become my best friend in elementary school. She was more of a tom-boyish girl so we would play games like cops and robbers on our bikes. One day I was at her home (we hung out basically every day after school) and I went into her bathroom. I noticed one of her bras sitting there. I tried it on and I freakin loved it. It felt so right. I kept it on and just put my shirt back on so I could take it home with me. No one noticed because I was wearing a big baggy shirt. Over the course of a year I would "borrow" other things like girls underwear and such (made sure it was clean of course!). This all happened in 4th grade. In 5th grade our class was taught about sex. We learned both about the female side and the male side. After learning about the female side I would wish I could get a period too. I would even go as far as to take a maxi pad from my moms stash and wear them around. It just felt so right. After a couple more years my friend and I grew apart. I always thought I was stuck being a male forever so I just accepted it. I would occasionally try on my girlfriend's clothes (if I fit in them) when she was away but I would still keep telling myself that it just can't be.

I have never shared this with anyone.

I am now 27 years old and I am still living as a white male. I just started seriously looking into transitioning but I'm just really scared to come out to anyone so I've decided to share with you guys first. I'm really scared that if I do start to transition that I wont pass and then become a freak. I've seen some really good transitions so I am hopeful of that. I'm also scared what my parents would think and my friends. If they are my true friends then they would accept for who I am..but still. I also have friends at my job and clients I regularly talk to so that would be difficult too!

I hope I can find some love and support here.

Thanks for reading.

[EmmaS]

I can relate to your story a little bit because when I was young I remember praying to God that I would wake up a girl and it never happened. I've had some of the same fears you have as well, I remember worrying so much about passing and everything but the truth is ultimately you want to be comfortable with who you are, whether that is male or female only you in your heart can know. It took my brain a while to catch up to what my heart always knew which was that I was female but it wasn't an easy decision or something I took without some thought. I'm glad to see you are opening up to us and in a way that is a beginning step to understanding who you are! I also couldn't agree more about friends and family, if they truly love you then they will accept you for who you are, that doesn't mean instantly they will understand it though, it's a transition for them too especially if they have known you a long time like a family does. However I believe that those who love you will come around no matter what because there is nothing worse then losing someone you love when it can be avoided. I wish you the best of luck and I think I can speak for a lot of people that we just want to help, I've been exactly where you were at one point.

<3 Emma

[JohnnieRamona]

Hi, Holly. Glad you are here.. I think you'll find people at Susan's are pretty friendly.

[V M]

Hi Holly 

Welcome to Susan's    Glad to have you here, this is a great place to find friends and information so jump on in and join the fun

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Hugs

V M

[Shantel]

Welcome Holly, you're in good hands here and it isn't Allstate! 

[peky]

Hi, Holly,

Your story echoes with many of us, including moi...so yeah girl, you are among friends...Happy postings.

Love,

Dr. Peky

[Ms. OBrien CVT]

Hi Holly,

Welcome to our little family. Over 9862  strong. That would be one heck of a family reunion.

Feel free to post your successes/failures, Hopes/dreams.  Ask questions and seek answers. Give and receive advice.

But remember we are family here, your family now. And it is always nice to have another sister.


Janet 

[Jamie D]

Welcome from southern California, Holly. 

[Catherine Sarah]

Hi Holly,

A big Aussie welcome to Susan's family. It's good of you to drop in and say "Hi". Hope you like it here, and you stay for a while.

There is a mountain of information, resources and friendship waiting for you here, you just need to jump in start talking and ask any question you like. You're quite safe here and we are very accepting.

Thank you for sharing that wonderful part of your life with us. If you're serious in transitioning,it's alway a good idea to see a gender therapist first, so you can get a better perspective of yourself, challenge some of your attitudes and understand the options that are available to you.

Looking forward to hearing more of your story in time to come, but in the meantime, be safe, well and happy.

Lotsa huggs
Catherine

[kellizgirl]

As another who just found this place and shares a similar story welcome and I pray you find the support to be the real you! 

[holly_]

Thanks everyone for your warmth and support.  I'm really glad I was able to muster up the courage and share openly about myself.  I feel a lot has been lifted off of my chest but I know there is so much more to do in the future.  I've just recently (maybe a week ago) came out to myself that I was transgender.  I didn't know the terms then when I was young and I knew wanting to be a girl was so wrong in society that I've just suppressed my true feelings.   I'm still coming to terms about it all and trying to figure things out.  I've been to a therapist once about my anxiety but I never shared with her about these other feelings I've had.  I'm just too embarrassed about it and scared to come out.  I actually have a girlfriend but we've only been dating for about a month.  I like dating girls a lot but I've also suppressed my feelings towards guys.  On rare occasions I see a guy and think to myself "dammmn he's fine!".  Confusing time in my life right now.  Thanks again everyone for the support!

[Catherine Sarah]

Hi Holly,

A really big congratulations on coming out to yourself. That is the hardest thing to do. If you are still seeing that therapist, it's OK to tell them just that. You're embarrassed and scared to tell them something. They'll soon work it out and help you come to terms with it.

Keep up the amazing work you are doing. You can do this.

Huggs
Catherine   

[Devlyn]

Hi Holly, welcome to Susan's Place! I'm hopelessly behind on Introductions, but I'll be seeing you around the site. Hugs, Devlyn