insecurities & anxiety regarding bio-males

[drifterboy]

hi everybody,
just a quick opinion scoop... dating a "bisexual" girl who has lots of guy friends.  i'm kinda small, only 5'5'', 5'6'' on a good day (haha), but athletically built, i body-build religiously (not as big as i'd like to be, but i'm pre-T so i'm about as far as i can get naturally), eat the right foods, have a good job, am a solid guy in general, pretty confident with myself for the most part (on a good day, again, haha), but occasionally get thrown into pretty gnarly (bad kind of gnarly) fits of anxiety/depression/self-doubt when she talks to/about several of her guy friends.  she's assured me plenty of times that she loves me for me & everything that comes with me, that she wants to spend the rest of her life with me & that she's never felt this way about anyone before... i trust her & i try to be really patient & understanding that she has these close guy friends because she gets along better with the male population & i'm not about to tell her she can't speak to her FRIENDS, but i just can't help these anxiety attacks & i'm afraid it's going to start chipping away at our relationship (if it already hasn't started).  the paranoia gets unbearable sometimes.

do any other transmen out there know what i'm talking about & if you've overcome it or know a way to trudge through these episodes, can you give me some tips?  i'm sure there are some smaller, less confident bio-males out there who have similar issues, but i feel like the trans/lacking-in-certain-areas-of-physical-self mentality is the main underlying cause of the insecurities.  do you think this will fade once i'm undergoing the hormone treatment?  or is it something in my head that i need to mentally get past?  would it be reasonable for me to try again to explain to her that i won't always be like this & if she could just keep the obvious communication (facebook, texting) to a minimum, i'll be able to beat this much more quickly?  or is that crossing the line into possessiveness/jealousy?

appreciate any feedback & thanks in advance,
evan

ps. just so you know, i'm not a believer in that alpha/beta male crap; i'm a lonewolf kinda guy.  i've gotten lectures about trying to please significant others in a way that seems submissive or whatever, but she's a person & i feel that we're equals, so i should be able to overcome these fears to not make it seem like i don't trust her; and though i don't have many (if any at all) female friends whose companionship i think would be worth keeping at risk of destroying my relationship (most are lesbians so i don't foresee any trouble there anyway), i can't expect my girlfriend to feel the same way about her male friends.

[Nero]

Hi and welcome Evan.
I think it's something you need to mentally get past. Even on T, you're still going to feel different to other guys. Maybe even after phallo. I don't know. No matter what you do, you weren't granted manhood at birth like all the others. And that's something that will always make you feel insecure if you let it. I'm still working on this myself.

As for your girl, while it may be good to talk about your feelings of jealousy, I don't think you should make too much of an issue of it. If she wanted a cis guy, she'd be with one.

[eVan24]

I know how you feel. I'm pre-T also and my fiancee had a TON of male friends and dated a bunch of guys in her younger days. Granted she then considered her self a lesbian (but now she will say that we are straight she just finds women very attractive). Anyways, a year ago a bunch of guys came back into her life from when she was younger and it made me super jealous. I wasn't out to her then but she knew (at least she said she's always known). But I would get so jealous because I had/have little to no sex drive and she has a pretty big one so when she would start talking/hanging out with these guys from her past I had a very hard time trying to not get upset or hurt about it. She loves me for me and assured me of that and later proved it when they tried to make a move on her and she walked away. Even now I get jealous. She went back to college to get her degree and had made a cis male friend and talks about him all the time and my blood still boils a little bit. She's even said she's not attracted to him (she's very honest with me so when she says she's not attracted she means it) but I still cringe when she says his name or is texting him. I think my jealousy is due to my insecurites but I know she loves me so I try to remind myself of that every time she mentions him so that I don't over think it (I have a huge probably of over thinking something or thinking too much into something that just is what it is).

If it's something you feel you need to talk about with her then I say talk to her but make sure it's a reasonable conversation and doesn't turn into an argument. It is something you will have to mentally get passed but she needs to be there to help you get past it, she needs to understand where you are coming from and know what you are going through. I'm not a person that particularly likes to talk about things when I feel I can work it out on my own by my girl makes me talk about them. Communication is a big deal and I think it's what saved our relationship and has kept us together for over 3 years. I wouldn't tell her to stop texting or facebooking them but I would request that she cut it down a little or at least try to figure out a way together to help you get past it or a way to deal with it better. There are plenty of options and if you two consider each other equal then she shouldn't be offended that you want to talk about it.

That's just my experience and my opinion though, I don't know your relationship or your girl so I can't really give good advice.

[spring0721]

Drifterboy, I think you should talk to her.  If she loves you she wouldn't want you to have undue stress and anxiety.  You should be able to talk to your significant other about anything, especially if you're planning to spend the rest of your life with them.  I personally don't think it's to much for you to ask her to 'limit' her interaction with these guys.  Ask her if the situation were reversed, would she be okay with you hanging around with a ton of HOT girls all the time? She shouldn't be doing something that she wouldn't be okay with you doing.   And in my opinion only, I think it's inappropriate for someone to hangout with someone they are attracted to or have dated previously if they have a current boyfriend or girlfriend.  Don't ask her to not see her friends, but why can't you hang out with them too or her go in a group with all the guys plus their girlfriends come along as well.  I think that would help keep jealousies at bay.  I mean in the end you have to trust your significant other or the relationship won't work...but neither you nor she should be giving each other a reason( like hanging out with those guys all the time) to be jealous.  I wish you luck & hope you're able to talk to her about this.  Oh and 5'5 or 5'6 is not short.

[AJarrah]

I think my anxiety as far as bio-males is more of a jealousy thing. I feel like I should feel bad for my fiance because I can't give her a baby (though we just found a donor which is cool), I can't do what her exes have as far as sex, sometimes I just don't feel good enough because I don't have the same capabilities. When in all reality, she loves me, she doesn't seem to look at me much differently, my anatomy isn't even really a subject that comes up. Seems she forgets about it even more than I do.

As far as it changing with hormone therapy, I don't know that mine's improved any from it. I suppose my physical appearance changing has helped a little bit but not in the sense that it just made my mind take a turn and I felt like a man one day. Honestly I think it's just been a matter of being around people so much that have no idea what's in my pants or what's under my shirt that I forget about it.

Lastly, trust her. She's with you for a reason. The more you trust her, the more comfortable she's going to feel and the more she's going to want you. She can hang out with whatever guy she wants, but at the end of the day you're the one with her. Be confident that your relationship is right on track and your mind should start following suit when she's around other guys. Trust that she loves you just like she says and put the negative thoughts that worry you out of your mind, you'll both be a lot happier that way. Feel better bud.

[mrdonkeykong]

just make friends with them, if she likes them they must have something you'll find in common too. then they wont seem threatening