Sex has become... Hard

[Wolf Man]

I'll start this by saying that sex with my SO has been on hold for several months for other reasons.

Aside from that I've noticed that it is hard for me to even envision having sex now due to my lack of a flesh penis. This isn't particularly a dysphoria issue I think (though ever since top surgery that has begun to bother me more). I just have a hard time imagining sex going smoothly or being spontaneous or just normal and fulfilling without having the damn thing attached to me and responding accordingly.

I guess what I'm asking for is just advice. Have you experienced this and if so, what helped you? If not, do you have any recommendations you think may help me? Should I look into a pack and play type of thing?

I think pumping would help me enormously, but I haven't been able to find too much in terms of decent pumps. Any recommendations on items or advice on how to do it?

I would appreciate any guidance. Thanks.

[Kevin Peña]

Um, I have never even been to 1st base, so I don't know anything about the fulfilling part. However, as for spontaneity, just come home one day to your significant other  and say something like, "You. Me. Bedroom. Now."

Actually, that's too predictable...

... ...

!!!

"You. Me. Shower. Now." 
(Try not to laugh)

The point of being spontaneous is to not think too much, so just take the first and the most outrageous thing you can think of. 

[Simon]

I'm not sure how long you've been with your SO, if you met before transition, or the dynamics of your relationship so it's hard to say what would or wouldn't work for you.

Sometimes life happens and sex goes on the back burner. Nothing wrong with that as long as either person doesn't feel neglected. I would say if you haven't already you do need to discuss this with your partner. There is a possibility that they could offer solutions.

As far as pumping I'm going to start doing that myself in the next month. There is a lot on it if you google around so I'm not going to go into detail here.

I will say that I have my gf convinced that performing fellatio has the same effect as pumping, lol. Maybe you could try that with your SO and kill two birds with one stone. 

[Wolf Man]

Well we've known each other for 7 years and have been officially together for 5 years. She knew me prior transition and has been with me through it all. Nothing is wrong on that front. The issue I'm attempting to resolve is trying to be my old self. That is what has put most of what makes a relationship a relationship on hold. Aside from sex it seems like we're just going through the motions.
(Note: Do not tell me to move on, that it sounds like it should end, that maybe you should take a break, etc. I am not looking to be in any other relationship than I am in. Thanks.)
A lot of that has to due with me transitioning period and with the new issue of me now caring that I don't have a functioning penis. Before top surgery, it was just another thing that I didn't have, but I wasn't going to throw myself out a window or anything. Now I can't look in a mirror without my stomach turning. I pack on the regular since I notice the lack of a penis even if no one else would, but even then I'm only comfortable when that part is covered and I can't see the straps holding it to me.

Maybe this is dysphoria? I don't know. My brain is scrambled.

@Simon: Fellatio, I have found, does indeed have the same effect as pumping. So yay for you! 

[aleon515]

I'm finding it an issue. I used to consider myself "asexual" and now I know why. I was very dysphoric, didn't know that's what was going on. I don't mind giving someone else pleasure but I think a lot of this has to be mutual.

--Jay

[Subject37]

I think pumping would help me enormously

Sorry, that line kind of made my night. But, in terms of sexual relationships, hrm, the longest relationship I've been in was a little more than a year and a half. The last few (four or five) months didn't have any sexual encounters at all. You can always talk things out with your SO. Ask her if she'd be fine with a pack n play (Have you checked out the second generation Peecocks? They look fab). I'm not sure if I can help with pumping though, as I don't know much about it either, though I've catered the thought.
Good luck ^^

[Shortman]

I don't think it unusual to shift focus to the lack of a penis once the breasts are gone.  Breasts are a huge issue, so not having the correct trouser contents doesn't get as much brain time.  Now that brain time has been freed up, so it moves on to the other issue.

I think I had a drop in sex drive after my chest surgery come to think about it.  I was so worn out from life which was hectic (doing school terms and co-op terms alternately), and the stress of getting and recovering from surgery, that I just wasn't in the mood.

Do you do weight training?  I have found that working on the rest of my body to make it buff and sexy, can help dull the obsession on not having a penis.  It also can help rejuvenate sex drive.

If things continue to be rocky, there is always couples counselling.  If anything it shows your significant other you want things to work.

Good luck sir,

Shortman

[Chaos]

Everyone is different but this is how i feel.One could say it is a form of disphoria and it may be.It is a mental state where one is not confident in their new *real* self.we live for SO many years as our birth gender,grow into it,we are comfortable because we know everything about our selves.But once that changes,its like learning all over again,being born,learning to walk,talk and everything to do with growing up.I encourage you to do confident based work outs.mentally,physically,emotionally.With your better half's help,teach yourself to do all these things and to train yourself to know in every aspect that this is who you really are.For example,when the doubt comes in *whichever way it does* then train that with doing the total opposite then it tells you.your not the only one who deals with these feelings and its the same for us all.we know who we are inside but its hard work and time to make that mind set understand.Yes it can be so strong that it effects our very everyday life,love and even sex life.But this is how i feel and i hope that regardless of what happens,you find some release.

[supremecatoverlord]

I wasn't even wiling to consider having sexual relationships until recently. And even then, I'm still not so sure it's the best idea for me.

[skakid]

I wasn't even wiling to consider having sexual relationships until recently. And even then, I'm still not so sure it's the best idea for me.

I feel the same way.

[kira21 ♡♡♡]

Sounds like you need to work on the spark and then the sex will come from this. What you are experiencing is perfectly natural I think for LTRs and its just a product of having to work at things. True, your relationship will have more to overcome than many others regarding sex, but still.

Good luck with everything :-) x

[Wolf Man]

Thanks for the replies. Hopefully I find something to help me. I've been looking in some of these pack n play things and they tend to seem to cost more than what I'm getting in return. I'll keep looking though.

I have also talked to the SO since she saw me on this thread. She was tiffed I didn't say something to her first, but she's fine now. I find it hard to just talk to her sometimes about these things though. I feel like it's a stress that I don't want to bother her with since we already have enough going in our lives.

The whole sex thing came before I had really considered transitioning, so I think that helped. She has been very supportive and it has made sex something I didn't worry too much over.

As for weight training I had been doing that prior to surgery and now I'm waiting to be healed enough so I can go back. I think it had been helping while I was getting into it.