Transition difficulties

[Cen]

I'm not exactly sure where to start with this.  I've been working on transition for about a year and a half now, and have made a decent amount of progress, with some belief that I have potential to get to a point where I might be happy with my body.  However, even as I do these things its caused a lot of problems within my life. 

When I first showed up here in 2011 I was really concerned about transition, and the impact that it might have on the long-term relationship I was in at the time.  The fact that I "was" in it indicates that ended up not going so well for me.  At first it seemed o.k., but in the end she just wasn't attracted to me after I began hormone replacement.  We broke up around last June, and the end of that relationship has been devastating to me.  This summer felt like a living hell.  There are so many times when I regret ever starting HRT to begin with, when I think to myself there must be some other way to be happy. 

Still, once I believed she was gone with no possibility of reconciling anything between us, I determined I should at least explore things further after coming this far.  I stayed on hormones and have proceeded to try to make changes in my life as I am comfortable with them.  Lately, I'd really started to feel more comfortable from a physical standpoint, when alone in my own home, but I've had a ton of social problems as I feel so out of place and uncomfortable around others.  I can't go anywhere without some amount of anxiety and discomfort that was far less prevalent in the past, and it influences whether or not I decide to go out at all.  I have tried to push myself, and force myself through many necessary tasks, but in the end its a form of stress I often find myself wanting to avoid whenever possible.  It doesn't seem to get better.

More recently, just prior to Christmas, my ex. suddenly showed back up.  She wanted to go out on a date, and we've been sort of hanging out off and on ever since.  I told her how much she'd hurt me, and how afraid I was of things going the same route all over again.  Yet, that is exactly what has happened.  Except, now I have her attention again, and have gone so far as deciding to try to end my transition and give life as a male another shot in order to try to make this work with her while I still have a chance.

I'm lost.  I've only been off hormones and AA's for a few days now and the dysphoria and fear of my body reverting in any way is driving me crazy.  It's more intense than it ever was in the past, but if I leave her behind to pursue this I know I'm going to regret it for years to come, as I have already regretted it the entire time we have been apart.  There aren't really any solutions, so I guess this is just venting.  I don't want transition to be the answer for me.  I just want my life to be like it used to be, and to be happy with it.

[milktea]

yes sometimes you cannot reconcile transition with continuing a relation. considering the difficulties of transitioning, it is prefrable outcome for you to willingly give up for her (since doing so means your desire to retain the relationship is greater than gender reassignment, and by giving up you have saved the relation - which you will suffer more if lost). conversely, if you value gender reassignment more than the relationship, your ex must either accept or decline going further.
you can't have a cake and eat it too.

[JoanneB]

Back in my 20's I was in a bit of a similar situation. I was "experimenting" once again with transitioning, on HRT, and going out whenever I could. All while dealing with the "Just why can't I be normal!" syndrome.

Faking normal slowly begain to win out thanks to a woman. I tried to convince myself I was just a CD, perhaps a tad more. But that was it. Fast foward some 30+ years and I look back now at a fairly successful "Normal" life which dealing with the trans issue also led to a joyless life with no sense of accomplisments since it was all faked. Nothing that was achieved was by the real me. I just got one over on the world.

I am sure you seen it said hundreds of times already ut I'll add to the count. It doesn't go away. You can use distractions, diversions and some denial to try to ignore it but that is all ou can hope for. Days will come when you absolutely cannot ignore it. In time, as it has for me, those days are in the majority

[justmeinoz]

It is true that GD doesn't go away.  You may be able to find a life path that alllows you to keep your relationship and partially transition in some  way, but it will be difficult.   It will need a lot of adjustment on the part of your partner as well.  Has she considered whether she could be happy in a "GenderQueer" relationship, outside Gender in some way?  That would be one option.
Whatever happens you will both need to be ruthlessly honest with each other and yourselves. I hope you can find a way through this.

Karen.

[Cen]

Yeah, at this point its been with me since I was a kid, so I'm fairly certain it is here to stay and progressively intensify.  I'm just not sure giving in to it is actually going to make me any happier, just sad in different ways.

[Henna]

I'm just not sure giving in to it is actually going to make me any happier, just sad in different ways.

I'm struggling with this exact same thing. Unfortunately that probably is a question to which no one can answer

I haven't lost my longterm gf yet, which however will happen once I start HRT. I'm still hoping that we can remain friends. Perhaps that would be something you could consider also with your gf?

[Catherine Sarah]

Joanne,
I love your signature.

I've never seen it expressed that way.

Huggs
Catherine

[milktea]

I don't quite understand. You have all made it sound like an unresolved riddle. Maybe it is just the way I am, but when I make a decision I try to contemplate all probable consequences and base my strategy from my formulation. Feelings will be considered but they are just amongst the numerous other factors, and then all these factors will be weighed.

Your contemplating factor is the probability that your gf leave you. Do you accept yes/no. If it's me I'll accept the possibility of losing her and move on, but that is just me.

[Cen]

Either route ends in suffering.  Its not really any more complicated than that.  For now I've made my choice, but I'm not going to be happy either way.

[Catherine Sarah]

I'm struggling with this exact same thing. Unfortunately that probably is a question to which no one can answer

I haven't lost my longterm gf yet, which however will happen once I start HRT. I'm still hoping that we can remain friends. Perhaps that would be something you could consider also with your gf?

Hi Henna,

In fact, the only one that CAN answer the question is; YOU. No one else. As milktea said, transition is like a cake. You can either have it or eat it. You can't have both. Living by your decisions, allows you to move on in life and do whatever needs doing, as a result of the whatever decision was made. Living in regret helps no one.

Huggs
Catherine

[Cen]

There aren't really any solutions, so I guess this is just venting.

That's from the first post.  I have a pretty clear understanding of the situation.  Never mind.  I'm not really sure why I even bothered to write anything.  Later.

[Alex_K]

No matter how much you love somebody, keep in mind that the person you'll spend the rest of your life with is YOU. And you have to love yourself. How can you be happy with her if you're not happy with yourself? I had a girlfriend too. We broke our relationship because of my transitioning, and I miss her VERY much. But I'm not gonna compromise my peace of mind in order to keep her for... how long? A year? Ten years? How long until my dysphoria gents SO massive that it all falls apart?

Relationships come and go, but you remain. What if she leaves you a few years from now for whatever reason and you find yourself wihout her and without being yourself? You can't control what other people will do and the outcome of a relationship is always unpredictable.

Just be yourself, it'll all be ok.

[spacial]

That's from the first post.  I have a pretty clear understanding of the situation.  Never mind.  I'm not really sure why I even bothered to write anything.  Later.

That's understood. I do hope you can eventually accept that contributions from people here are meant in support.

I also want you to know, like other,s I totally understand.

This girl wasn't going to accept you, just an ideal male which you can't be.

I suspect she knows she made a mistake.

You did the right thing by being true to yourself.

[Cen]

Well, my decision was to stop and try to make it work out with her, not to keep going.  I don't know if it'll be a great idea in the end but I can't handle doing it any other way right now.

[spacial]

That's fine Cori.

Thank you for getting back to us.

Tell us how you get on.

[Cen]

It is true that GD doesn't go away.  You may be able to find a life path that alllows you to keep your relationship and partially transition in some  way, but it will be difficult.   It will need a lot of adjustment on the part of your partner as well.  Has she considered whether she could be happy in a "GenderQueer" relationship, outside Gender in some way?  That would be one option.

At the time I posted this, I hadn't really thought she would be, but she actually pointed out on her own that she preferred androgynous men (and women.)  Its a lot easier for me to work with, and means that there's a chance it can work without really giving up on being happy with myself.  It's just a chance, but that's better than nothing.

[spacial]

OK, since things have understandably move on a bit, can I ask you thin Cen?

Do you think you could cope with trying this relationship out? If it doesn't work, do you think you could cope with it ending again?

It's a senario love. Sometimes we just need to go for a ride, even when it means a long walk home.

[Cen]

Unfortunately I think that's a risk for me whenever I end up getting attached to someone, which is usually pretty difficult for me to achieve in the first place.  I grew up having to move every couple of years so I learned not to get too close to people, and it is difficult to unlearn with most.  A couple have pounded through that wall I have up, but I could walk out on pretty much everyone I currently associate with without feeling much loss for it.  When I take the time to actually connect with someone and learn to value their place in my life its really hard to accept losing that, and going back to feeling so disconnected from everyone.  Yet when I try to fix that it never seems to work, usually ending in isolation as I become more and more frustrated.  Adding transition into the mix has only made things worse, even with the acceptance I've received from those around me.

So, no, I don't really think I can cope very well, but that's not really an issue specifically with her so much as with myself.  For now, things seem to be going somewhat o.k., but its still pretty early to tell.

[spacial]

I understand Cen.

Thank you so much for sharing this with us.

Incidently, I assume that is you in the photo, you look really good. From your brief description of your female friend, I think she will think so too.

Best of luck.