Las Vegas trip and our talk about ear piercing

[kathy bottoms]

I seem to need advice again, or maybe just a place to cry.  Now some background, (but maybe too long?)     



My wife and I were out shopping for clothes with a friend in a Las Vegas mall on Saturday (the friends husband was home preparing for a business trip).  As we passed the Piercing Pagoda I suggested I get my ears pierced , and JoAnn angrily looked at me and said "A lot of girls don't have pierced ears."   Now, this wasn't just an idle comment, it was meant to hurt and belittle me.  And after so many years together I understood this statement as a clear warning, and it was made to me as if I was a child that needed terse correction.  I was deeply hurt by this and it ruined the entire day and evening, but I didn't discuss it until we left our friends later that night and drove to the hotel where we were staying.

As we drove I asked JoAnn why she felt she had to deliberately discourage and hurt me for suggesting ear piercing.  She went on to tell me she has a problem with me looking at, or wearing jewelry because I want to look feminine, and she can't handle it.  She also said that I'm looking at clothes that are much more feminine than the simple things she wears, and these make her feel more inadequate and rejected.  Let me say, we are a truly down-to-earth couple, and we never questioned each others poor blue jean and work clothing fashion choices.  And we were almost always comfortable with what each other wore.  But this is completely new for us.  We continued to talk for a while about what it all means, however  nothing was resolved.  So in the end she just said she needs more time and "can't deal with it now."  And she doesn't know if she ever can.

Fast forward to Monday (still in Vegas).  We talked about how our friends were open with us about their lives, and how he surprised us on Sunday when he came out as a CD in order to make me feel more comfortable around them.  Yes, we saw his clothes, and he's Flamboyant.   They've always been into sex, and the life style works for them.  But JoAnn said my changes are nothing like that since it's not a "life style" choice for me, and it's changing who I am.  She then said something about us not being able to go on at some point like our friends can because my changes are permanent, and not some sexual game or fantasy like these friends have.   

Don't get me wrong, I'm grateful that this couple made such a bold attempt to help, but they really don't understand what's happening, or why I'm transitioning.  They did make us feel better around them and we talked individually to them about my life changes.  JoAnn said she and her friend cried for hours about what's happening with me, and they have great support for each other.  But while the support of these friends is well meaning, it doesn't help me.

If this transition is going to move on it has to keep on some sort of track and time table.  I find I'm constantly delaying the things that are horribly important to me just to placate JoAnn,.  And each thing that's delayed is followed by another as soon as the previous item is resolved.  While we talked this last week I told JoAnn that eventually all these things are going to change with me  anyway, and I have to start doing more now.   But, JoAnn seems to quickly build walls in my path, as if to prevent me from leaving my life as Joe behind.   I guess I just need a little advice from someone who has been through this.  I'm afraid once again I'm going to be making a choice to leave quite soon to transition alone and lonely someplace else.  I really don't know where this is going, but it has to go someplace fast.

Thanks for listening girls, and there's no need to comment if you aren't sure you should.  Anyway, this may all just be an exercise in self pity   I was writing everything like this down in my diary until last week when JoAnn told me she's found it, and read everything.  Yes, I could continue with the diary, and pretend nothing ever happened.  But the diary pages would never have the same self cleansing honesty.  So now there's just a little void in my day.  Probably never should have started the diary to begin with. 

Oh well  ...... sigh.

Love Kathy

[Sarah Louise]

Sorry to say, I doubt things will change.  To your wife, you are threatening her expectations of life, her security.

Your wife went into marriage and old age expecting certain things, your now saying she isn't going to have these things.  Its a major change for her.  You can only hope she will be able to come to terms with it, otherwise seperation is a possibility.

I know your transition is of major importance to you, its your life being talked about.  We, all of us who married, are asking our spouses to accept monumental changes.

Only time will tell which way your marriage wil go.  I hope things work out, but if not you will need to decide what you can live with. 

[Brooke777]

When I first started shopping for women's clothes, my ex was horrified to learn that I am more feminine than her. For a while she used to put me down for it. Now, she understands that this is who I am, and she uses it as time to learn to be more feminine herself. What I'm saying Kathy, is give her some more time. It took my ex about 4 months to become comfortable with my style.

[suzifrommd]

Kathy, I can't be sure my advice is good for you, but I'm in a similar place you are.

I'm finding I can't time my transition to please others. I have little enough control as it is over things like the pace of hormonal changes, hair removal, etc. I can't turn control of the process over to my wife while she tries to figure it all out. She's a grown woman. She has all the resources she needs to get used to what's happening. If there's some specific event she's concerned about, I'll consider it (I promised to delay fulltime until our son's graduation, for example), but otherwise she needs to deal with the changes. It's who I am and I'm not going to change.

In the end, we may or may not stay together. I will need to be able to live with either possibility. I love her, but if she decides she can't stay married to a woman, that's her decision to make. I also have to decide if I'm willing never to have intimate contact for the rest of my life, since she has made it quite clear she will never again be attracted to me. That's enough for her - she seems like she's reached an asexual stage of her life - but I doubt it will be enough for me.

Good luck, Kathy. The marriage issue will end up being by far the worst of my transition. But I feel the way you do when you say that you need to stick to some sort of timetable for your transition.

BTW, if someone read my diary without my permission, I would consider it a serious violation of trust. Unless I was certain there was contrition and an ironclad commitment toward never doing it again, that would be it for me.

[kathy bottoms]

........ To your wife, you are threatening her expectations of life, her securety.  ........

........ Its a major change for her.  You can only hope she will be able to come to terms with it, otherwise seperation is a possibility.

When I first started shopping for women's clothes, my ex was horrified to learn that I am more feminine than her. For a while she used to put me down for it.  ........

I'm finding I can't time my transition to please others. I have little enough control as it is over things like the pace of hormonal changes, hair removal, etc. I can't turn control of the process over to my wife while she tries to figure it all out. She's a grown woman. She has all the resources she needs to get used to what's happening. If there's some specific event she's concerned about, I'll consider it (I promised to delay fulltime until our son's graduation, for example), but otherwise she needs to deal with the changes. It's who I am and I'm not going to change.  ........

Thank you Sarah, Brooke, and AG.  So many of the things you said are exactly what's happening here.  I know I'm not alone in this, and it's comforting to hear you talk about it. 

JoAnn will explain her needs and expectations during my transition once in a while.  And because her expectations are far different from mine it's incredibly difficult to have her understand my real needs.  She wants our finances to be unaffected by my new life, and for me to not threaten her femininity or womanhood.  So she tries to steer me in directions that are acceptable for her, and completely unacceptable to me.  The couple times we've talked about these differences in direction she begins to blame me, and piles on the guilt for what I've done to our lives.  It's almost as if she wants me to suffer a little more each time we talk. 

Oh, we already agreed that we'll break up in a friendly and pleasant way at some point.  But if she insists on guiding my transition I'll have to leave before spring.  My transition isn't an item for negotiation, and I can't stop to help JoAnn every time she starts crying about it.  THIS SOUNDS SO COLD AND SELFISH, but it's very real to me, and it's what my life is now.   There's no transition without the freedom to make changes.  And you're right, my changes and timetables can't be dictated by others, not even JoAnn.   It is "my" life.

My therapist told me many times to stop feeling guilty and taking blame for being transgender.  I think this "guilt" is the hardest thing for me because all our troubles started when I had no more workable alternatives to transition.  So I guess we'll have to talk about it this weekend.   And maybe we can get an appointment with another therapist while my GT is away. 

Love Kathy