I was quite a late bloomer in relationships. At24, and I did have my very first relationship, it was wonderful, and at no point did I feel doubt or insecurity about the relationship (I expected of myself that I would, but surprisingly I didn't). However, it had to end because he had to back to his home country and we decided not to pursue a long distance relationship, although we still talk online reasonably often, although not in the capacity of a relationship.
However, that isn't the point of this thread, I'm now 25 and while my belief in relationships has gone up a slight notch, I'm still in the battle to find contentment in single life, with my rational mind certain that I am lovable And that deep down I recognise the being that I am, and this sense has strengthened over the years, but I cannot avoid the sense of loneliness, that sometimes rears its ugly head, and almost the indulgence in loneliness which is the easiest path, the one that comes most naturally to me if I didn't attempt to fight against it everyday.
I look at my life and I can't see much rational cause to be unhappy or feel unloved and unappreciated, but I can't deny the existence of these feelings in my heart. Maybe pre transition life made me used to feeling sad as a "default" setting, I'm sure many here can relate. Sometimes I'm at a loss for what to do, as my feelings are clearly beyond even my own logic and reasoning. Sometimes I want to shake myself as I tell myself that I have friends, I'm mastering the art of singing and have performed at various concerts, I'm employed as a tax consultant at a highly reputable firm and have a decent stable career path, why on earth should I feel unfulfilled and lonely? But I do. I can't deny it. It tires my willpower as I constantly, constantly have to reaffirm to myself that I'm loved And that I love myself, And it works temporarily, as i can find many instances to prove this right, but I inevitably drift back to feeling unloved, ignored, unappreciated. And of course it's these thoughts that perpetuate themselves and probably cause me to be unsuccessful in love. I know the source of these feelings must be myself. Perhaps it's how I'm used to feeling somehow, with such a thought process becoming natural as breathing. But it's all mere conjecture, and I do not necessarily wish to diagnose myself in absolute terms because it may limit my line of thinking.
Sometimes my psyche is finely balanced, on the edge of positivity and emotional stability, perhaps a quiet confidence, but never quite completely getting there. Perhaps it's the inevitable nature of the human condition and an imperfect life but I'm coming to my wits end about how to deal with the feeling of frustration and emotional unfulfilment. It's not helped by the fact that it's difficult for me to be open with most people as I have found that very few can engage emotionally with me on the same wavelength, and that's just due to personal difference, just as I may not understand their emotional world.
I tend not to reach out to people because when I do, even though they may have the best intentions, almost everyone I know attempts to "fix" my "problem" using logic and reason, which aren't much different to the logical things I tell myself anyway. I don't want sympathy, because that just fuels negativity in the long run, but sometimes it'd be nice to have my feelings acknowledged, understood and empathised with - that's what I try to do if somebody I know feels down. I don't have that, however, so when I feel down, I'm alone and the feelings are bottled up inside.
I feel like I'm coming to love myself and in a way that's the easier bit because it only involves the relationship with myself, but affirming to myself that I'll find someone to love me is a constant everyday struggle for me to reconcile the truth I know and how I feel. I can control how I feel about myself, but I can't control how someone feels about me. It's a significant possibility that I never meet someone who I can be with, not because I'm a terrible person or anything, but sheer bad luck, and the idea of somebody being with me often feels like a foreign concept even though I *know* I shouldn't feel this way.
I've worked for years and years on confidence, but I wonder why it's just seemingly impossible to change my feelings with my thoughts, permanently. While I can feel fine temporarily, something will trigger off the feeling of being unloved and unacknowledged. I've had a lifelong problem of almost indulging in sadness and loneliness at times, it's what feels like the easiest and natural to tend towards, and I have to constantly pull myself away from it. However, I just don't know how I can set myself free from such thought patterns permanently. Everyone goes on about "having more confidence", "changing thought patterns" and so on, but nobody really goes into depth about actually how to get to that point, and stay there without lapsing.
However, I have an inescapable drive to love And be loved which is constantly unfulfilled and unsatiated and produces a background level of emotional solitude and pain every second of every day, sometimes it's quiet and I barely notice the feeling being there, but other days, it's full on, and I know the source of it is myself, perversely repeating the cycle of thoughts that lead me to feel unacknowledged, unwanted, unloved, and alone forever, that I have somehow become accustomed to. I have love and gratitude for the life I have, and the love i have in myself is what Keeps me going, but it doesn't feel like enough, and whatever I do, I don't see any way that I can completely break free from this forever.
How have other people dealt with similar feelings? (if you managed to read all that!)
