Trans guilt [venting, triggering?]

[ford]

All my trans-specific guilt is built around my current partner, because it's highly unlikely that we'll stay together if I transition.

Yes, same here. If I wasn't married I think I'd have figured out/transitioned much sooner. My husband says he's supportive, but I have to wonder if that won't change once he starts getting perceived as a gay man, or once he realizes the female body he was initially attracted to is unrecognizable. Add to that his family is highly religious and openly homophobic. For my part, I'll never leave him. But if he decides to leave me that would be understandable...I hate that I feel I have to do this to him. I wish I could suppress this ridiculous urge to appear as male as I feel.

I've shed a lot of tears wishing I had figured out what all my very confusing feelings were before I got married. Because then I wouldn't be in this position where I feel I'm bound to hurt a lot of people.

[ReverseRainbow]

I always feel terrible around my mother and grandmother. I haven't the heart to tell them I'm not their 'precious little girl'. Im the only biologically female of all my cousins, so they cling to me. Comments like 'And you'll always be my baby girl' and 'Youre my only and favorite granddaughter' hurt so much.
I dont want to hurt them, I dont want want to take their little girl from them. But Im not that girl, and it hurts to try being her. And Im so afraid if I become who I really am, theyll always miss her and not want anything to do with me.
I've never actually put this into words before, and now Im in tears. I just feel so selfish half of the time.

[DeeperThanSwords]

I always feel terrible around my mother and grandmother. I haven't the heart to tell them I'm not their 'precious little girl'. Im the only biologically female of all my cousins, so they cling to me. Comments like 'And you'll always be my baby girl' and 'Youre my only and favorite granddaughter' hurt so much.
I dont want to hurt them, I dont want want to take their little girl from them. But Im not that girl, and it hurts to try being her. And Im so afraid if I become who I really am, theyll always miss her and not want anything to do with me.
I've never actually put this into words before, and now Im in tears. I just feel so selfish half of the time.

I know that feeling very well.

*huge hugs*

[ford]

...I guess what feels so bad and confusing to me is that before transitioning I was such a shell of a person, I lived the bare minimum in life and pushed everyone away, terrified of their judgment, and even then I somehow still have people to hurt by transitioning as if I owed it to them just as a fact of my existence to try to be male...

I added the bold...because I'm really struggling with that too. Like I should act like a girl because my grandmother is owed a granddaughter, my sister is owed a sister, etc.

That's fantastic that your fiance is so supportive though. Gives me warm fuzzies when I hear things like that, because it seems to me that all too often the lack of any support network is a huge cause for emotional distress in those transitioning.

I always feel terrible around my mother and grandmother. I haven't the heart to tell them I'm not their 'precious little girl'. Im the only biologically female of all my cousins, so they cling to me. Comments like 'And you'll always be my baby girl' and 'Youre my only and favorite granddaughter' hurt so much.
I dont want to hurt them, I dont want want to take their little girl from them. But Im not that girl, and it hurts to try being her. And Im so afraid if I become who I really am, theyll always miss her and not want anything to do with me.
I've never actually put this into words before, and now Im in tears. I just feel so selfish half of the time.

Ugh, hugs all around. I know exactly where you're coming from...especially the feeling selfish part.

I was doing a little closet cleaning this weekend, getting rid of some rather girly things I no longer have the stomach to wear. But there were things I couldn't get rid of - gifts I'd gotten from my spouse and my parents and my family. It's a really confusing feeling. I'll never wear them again, but if I throw them out it feels like I've completely killed off my former self. And the idea that my husband no longer has a wife, my sister no longer has a sister, or that my parents no longer have this particular daughter, is something I can't deal with. Yet. It seems too hurtful.

[Simon]

The past few messages have been about people feeling selfish for transitioning (or even wanting to transition). I don't understand the self deprecating behavior being expressed here.

Would your relatives consult you when it came to their happiness? Would they consider your feelings when it comes to their personal well being or would they do what was best for them? Would they expect you to understand their motives or would they just do what they felt was right for them?

My point is you can not live your life for other people. If you try you are going to be extremely miserable eventually. If other people are the only thing that is holding you back from being your true self then you should transition.

[Lesley_Roberta]

Trying to wrap my head around the use of the term 'guilt'.

I feel guilt for things I am responsible for if they are in some fashion negative and were avoidable.

Hmmm am I responsible for being born? Nope, that was my parents fault.

Am I responsible for the body I was born in? Nope.

Am I responsible for how I was raised? Nope.

Is it my fault that at age 50 I finally have realized, at an earlier age, my life might have been so much different if I had had access to hindsight earlier? Nope.

I am in no way in need of feeling guilty for just being me. That's like suggesting my brother should feel guilty for being an Oscar Madison clone. His eats sleeps and breaths sports, works as an editor and is the consummate slob. Ok maybe he can feel a bit of guilt for being a slob But the sports is likely our father's fault. I got all of dad's artistic skill, his ability to make things, and his neat freak behaviour. I can't explain my brother being a slob, because mom is a neat type too.

I have no interest in feeling guilt all because I wish I had been given a girl's body at birth.

I mean, it's like me going around being mean to people because they lack my education level and my IQ. Granted I do tend to be a problem there. But expecting me to feel guilt for being me, is like me expecting others to feel guilt for being them (for some aspect likely not of their control).

[tvc15]

Wow, your original post could have been written by me, except I'm going in the other direction. Every single word of what you said rings true to me.

I don't think I could ever be anything but stealth. To the point where if someone point-blank asked if I was trans I think I'd deny it, or act like I didn't know what they were talking about. Call it internalized transphobia, but whatever it is, I've got it pretty bad.

I've always viewed myself as a guy, so that's how I want others to see me. If they know I haven't always appeared as male they might form untrue assumptions about me that I could never cast off. Luckily for me, I seem to pass unquestionably as cis in my daily life... but you're right... you can't be "stealth" to family, or people who knew you before. And that's where the guilt and freakish feelings come in. I constantly wonder what it's like on the other side of the fence, to be the ones watching someone change so dramatically. I wonder if they are always seeking out my old female qualities (which i may or may not ever have had). If they think I'm less than. Whatever.

Thing is, my family's completely on board with me. I sometimes hear affirming things from them. At least they never mess up pronouns anymore. Some of them said terrible things in the past but they've changed their minds now. Yet those words always come back to haunt me and I have to work hard to forgive and forget.

I never even attempted to have a life as a female, so I know how you feel regarding that too. My life feels way behind everyone else's at my age. I've got a lot of catching up to do and a lot of stuff I should have learned that I just haven't yet.

[Nero]

I think we all tend to prepare for the worst hon. Sounds you had a good outcome anyway. 

[Heather]

Update:

So I came out to my dad and re-came out to my mom, and now I feel a new guilt cause they said they loved me and they don't think less of me, even if I feel like they don't really understand it yet and I'm not sure how they'll treat me in the future when push comes to shove.  They still make no effort to gender me as female or use a different name but it's only been a couple days, they asked me to give them time.

If its only been a couple of days I would not worry. It will take time for them to see you as their daughter and not as their son. I think it is hard for a parent to come to grips with that.

[Nero]

That's an awesome feeling, isn't it? 

[Heather]

Thanks I know I am gonna have to wait and see.  At least now nothing's my fault cause I don't have to tell any lies anymore.  That's what bothered me more than being accepted or not.

So true! The lying to family and friends was always the hardest thing for me to accept about being in the closet. It was such a relief when I no longer had to keep lying to them and I could just be me.

[BunnyBee]

I can relate to almost everything you are talking about.  You remind me so much of myself it's ridiculous.

[Jamie D]

@zumbagirl

I don't know about getting a job and stuff... I never got one presenting male cause I had severe anxiety problems.  They're getting a little better since transitioning but I'm still not sure about getting a job when my legal transition is way behind my social one (outing myself is never an option to me).

Someday I want to but yeah. I am kinda in the classic housewife role you talked about except a mama to 2 kitties and not kids.  I don't think it's why I feel inferior to other people... well maybe a little bit, I get jealous of people who are my age and can afford school and have future prospects etc.

I guess, yep, I feel inferior to people because in general my life seems so screwed up and behind everyone else, being trans just ruined everything in so many ways, most of it before I had even come out and it just caused all these emotional issues.

Remember this - you are NOT inferior to any other person.  One of the most basic tenets of this human experience of ours is that everyone is created equal.

I will not say our road isn't harder than most, but we don't have to erect our own obstacles!  There is nothing stopping you from improving yourself by attending a local community college, or studying through an online course. 

And many people run home-based online businesses.  No social anxiety there.

I am sure you can do it, if you put your mind to it.