Ftm denial, doubts, trying to navigate through the gender puzzle

[HawkEyes]

For a good amount of time i felt i was a ftm transgender, then realized that i might actually not be accepting and might be fearful of coming across as a lesbian, then feeling that i was actually a man and if i were to transition i would find it so much easier and i would definitely find it so much easier to express my sexuality... I am so sad about having a particular anatomy but not being able to accept it and embrace it fully especially while being intimate with my partner because i feel i can express better as a male... But i just wish i could accept myself. Ghh have any of you ever felt like this, i just find it so awkward to think of myself as a lesbian or woman when it comes to intimacy because i feel like i am not, yet i feel so sad about denying my own woman body. But is it that i am denying my woman body or moreso denying the fact that i am a male in a female body, i worry that transitioning wouldnt make me happy either. Still in limbo about transitioning and this feeling is the worst!!! Has transitioning made it easier for any of you in this way?

[spacial]

Sounds like you have a case of the second thoughts.

Well done. That is a good point to reach. It's time to stop and think about where you're going and what you hope to find.

Transision isn't about moving from one corner to the other, it's about deciding what makes you feel better about yourself, what suits your own life and relationships. Most of all, what you can reasonably deal with and achieve.

[Zumbagirl]

i worry that transitioning wouldnt make me happy either. Still in limbo about transitioning and this feeling is the worst!!! Has transitioning made it easier for any of you in this way?

The wonderful part of the transgender experience is that it doesn't have to be an all or nothing option. There is no such thing as either "do nothing" or "the whole nine yards of transitioning". There are a million shades of gray in between these two. Some people will find happiness at the extremes some in the middle. Being a transgender person is not hard, but finding out your own place on the spectrum is. Its like knowing the definition of a word that only you know, no one else can ever even guess. You fill in the definition with your own life experience, what you feel about yourself, where you think you fit and then you will know who you are because the word being defined is yourself.

Instead of worrying about physical changes, why not start with a simple proclamation  by saying "I hereby give me permission to be myself". Nobody else in the world can give you that permission, only you can. Once you get that out in the open the rest will fall into place where you want it. Maybe you end up doing nothing, maybe you end up doing everything, who knows? Maybe you end up somewhere in the middle and you find that's just as comforting to you.

This whole gender transitioning process is not for everyone, you know. I happen to be one of the extremes (the whole 9 yards) and to be honest I couldn't wait to get it over with, but that's me. I knew it was the right thing to do going in and looking back I can still say it was the right thing to do. Where you are in this spectrum, no one in the world is qualified to answer but you.

[Tessa James]

Good morning,

What thoughtful perspectives and I entirely agree that it is so individual.  I have been part of the "out" LGBTQ world for decades but only months into accepting my TG/transitioning and loving it.  For me the near universal support I have received as opposed to the monster I had created in my own mind is revealing.  We are more than our presentation and my second coming out is bringing others along.  Family and friends find my liberation enlightening and encouraging for them too.  I am not at all passable and maybe like you find parts of me uncomfortable at best.  Dressing up enfem and being in public a few times has shown me that most people around here are ok with diversity.  This is a rural area and yet we had a fantastic drag show Saturday that was locally produced with a sell out crowd lining up around the block, in the rain, for an hour.  Bearded loggers in dresses were among the attendees for Dragalution in Astoria (Dragstoria).                                         My face, figure  and genitals are not nearly as troubling as what was going on between my ears.  While accepting myself is so much better, it is sometimes unnerving for me and others to not have a definite landing zone.  I want HRT but, as I am hearing, "results and mileage vary"!  Hang in there please you are so worth it!

[bojangles]

Go at your own pace, whatever that means to you. Explore this with a gender therapist if you want...when you feel your own personal nudge toward it. There is no fire, no race.

I was a whole nine yards person who wanted everything yesterday. Part of that was how many years it took to become aware it was possible and to have the money to do anything about it. However, because of that long wait I can honestly say I did my best to accept myself as a female (attracted to females)...even going so far as to allow extremely uncomfortable situations that sometimes required disassociation to endure. Never again. By the time I woke up to transition, I knew me very well, saw how untrue I had been to myself and was ready to change. Even so, not everything has been easy or crystal clear. It's been more a matter of sticking to the plan no matter who loses you.