Need Advice.. Please!!

[SamiT]

So I got a late start to transition..  I was finally diagnosed with GID just shortly after my 39th birthday and started HRT 15 months ago. At the same time I ended a very very successful engineering carere because I knew the industry i was in and my employer would not be accepting of my transition nor of a transgender person working there. I took a job with at the same company my wife works at. Its in the Oil and Gas industry and knowing that it would clearly be short term, at least keeping me working until I was ready to go full time. Lots of solitary field work not much contact with people so it wouldn't mater. I have started my own business and have had minor success with it for the time I have been able to put in. It is my employment plan post transition.

So now you know the back story...  Where I need advice is this. Again without intentionally doing it I have become very successfully at my daily job and have been recently appointed director of operations and appointed with a great amount of responsibility along with a great deal of respect. But now its with the company my wife works at a place where I was supposed to be able to disappear into the woodwork and my male identity disappear forever. A place where they openly condemn any type of lifestyle that parts from the biblical man and woman! I am a very calculating person and all of my plans are layed out and given a seal of approval by my therapeutic staff as well. ( A GID specialist as well as a Life coach).

I know who I am. I am not a happy man.. Transition has given me hope that I can live my life genuine and true to who I am. I am a happier person as more of the female me comes forward. My relationship with my wife and daughter has never been stronger or better. But the innate will to be a success in my career has once and maybe more forcefully than ever come up and griped me having a torturous effect on my transition. I am scheduled to have FFS in a few months and I don't want to put that off.. Even have a month of vacation/sick time approved. I know when the words come out of my mouth I'm clear on my decision. But there is more at stake here. I know killing my professional success has a very real impact on my sanity and stability not only financially but has a huge mental toll as well. 

I know I will NEVER have this type of success nor professional validation presenting as a woman and even less as a transgender person.

[Zumbagirl]

I know who I am. I am not a happy man.. Transition has given me hope that I can live my life genuine and true to who I am. I am a happier person as more of the female me comes forward. My relationship with my wife and daughter has never been stronger or better. But the innate will to be a success in my career has once and maybe more forcefully than ever come up and griped me having a torturous effect on my transition. I am scheduled to have FFS in a few months and I don't want to put that off.. Even have a month of vacation/sick time approved. I know when the words come out of my mouth I'm clear on my decision. But there is more at stake here. I know killing my professional success has a very real impact on my sanity and stability not only financially but has a huge mental toll as well. 

I know I will NEVER have this type of success nor professional validation presenting as a woman and even less as a transgender person.

You have no idea of how wrong you are. You and I sound very similar. I also have a background in engineering. Before I went fulltie I worked at a large software company as a senior director. I too as very worried about what would happen to me. And the very worst thing is exactly what happened. But let me tell you this. I thank my lucky stars because it was a incredible gift. A chance to start over and I did. It was a little hard at first, but I survived and recovered. The day I woke up from my SRS surgery, my career flew to new heights. Dont let all the negative talk put you off. I'm here to tell you that if you want to be your own worst enemy, you can, but you don't have to!

Fast forward to today and I have more than doubled my income that I ever earned in my life as a guy. It took a few career moves, but at least I had something going for m that you do as well. The "old boys" network. You will be surprised at how some people will look the other way and not even care if you came in buffalo skins if you are talented.

If you want to talk more then please email or PM me!

[Catherine Sarah]

Hi Sami,

Hummmmm. I think Joanne summed up your position quite aptly with her signature. She is between a rock and a hard place with a pile driver on her head.

It is a complex position you are in. And as best as you have described your situation, complete with background, it provides a simple 'snapshot' of a very dynamic and complex life situation you are in. Therefore it makes it very hard to even offer a worthwhile suggestion, as it may be way off target.

I'm wondering whether your life coach wouldn't be more helpful in this specific regard. As he would have seen more of your dynamic than you would be able to reasonably discuss here.

Although you are still comparatively young, with at least 30 to 40+ years ahead of you. Just how much of that time can you afford to position yourself and family into relative security while still building your own business part time in conjunction with your current employer? That's one perspective to consider.

This upcoming FFS I see will be a benchmark with respects to your employment. I hope that doesn't mask your frame of thinking and force any avoidable errors.

Keep in touch and let us know how you are coping.

Huggs
Catherine   

[Emily Aster]

It sounds like you're making decisions for other people. But, just in case you're right, if you have a job-oriented networking account, like LinkedIn, I'd make sure you get that updated with your new title and get some recommendations from people. That's one place where people probably won't notice a name change because if they're like me, they only go on there once every few months to accept new invitations. They may kick you to the curb, but that recommendation can follow you into your transition.

And, like when people say once you know how to get rich, you'll never be poor because you can always find a way to get that wealth back. It's the same thing with your skills. You found a way to reach this title because your skills speak for themselves. You know how to get there already because you've done it. This part of you doesn't change with transition. If you had the skill to get there before a transition, you won't lose it after or during a transition.

[SamiT]

I have talked this thru with my life coach.. She says stay the course.. Its only professional success... But my coping mechanism has been my professional success.. It has been my addiction that has allowed me to live life as a man and not 6' under with a stone slab with a name of someone other than me above it..

Transition has allowed me to start looking in the mirror and seeing what I like... There are faint glimpses of me looking back for once in my life... Its PAINFULY slow.. seeing all these young girls moving from A to B in what seems like weeks for some overnight.. It makes me RUN back to what I know and what I'm successful at... Transition is the only thing in life that hasn't just come to me... I always take a line from the Movie Good Will Hunting... "Mozart could sit in front of the piano and just play" Well that's me in my professional life.. It just comes I don't have to try...  But transition is SO very different than that.. It doesn't just come.. It hasn't just happened.. But I know its right....

FFS is the right thing.. SRS is the right thing... Living life being genuine to WHO I am is the right thing... I know if it was easy EVERONE would do it.. But that's just it maybe they are living life right.. I know I'm the one that's not right... Most people don't have thought they are living in the wrong gender living life and NOT genuine to who they are...

Sorry to ramble a little its just where I'm at now... I have a great personal support network.. They just have NO experience with this..

[Catherine Sarah]

Hummmm

Hi Sami,

From what you've just expressed, I think you'll find the answer you are looking for. Maybe some of the points Zumbagirl mentioned about her professional career, may too, be your outcome. It's happened to many before.

The thing that is hard to factor in,is the profound change you undergo when you become true to yourself to the point you are prepared to follow through with the whole change. That is often the catalyst to a diametrically opposed and far more positive and effective personality, you may have never seen in yourself before.

Although a community like Susan's family is almost mandatory, a real life support group can be the bridge with reality you need. Maybe your surgeon or community health service can find one locally for you.

Keep on keeping on.

Huggs
Catherine

[kathy bottoms]

Sami:
I was one of those engineers that tried to disappear by working in the field when I turned 50, and it didn't pan out for me either.  I always did the best possible work, and ended up training staff and management on legal policy and improved methods.  So it doesn't  matter where you work, since your ethics for work and integrity will follow you.   For me work went on, and I didn't start transition until a bit after I retired.   My wife and I raised a family along the way, and we had some wonderful times.  But I will always regret not being honest with myself and accepting my gender earlier because it would have been wonderful to start transition in my late 30's or early 40's.  I'm happy you're getting the chance some of us didn't have.  Even if it's a struggle for you, it can and should be done. 

Since retirement I've found out that for the last 7 years of my career the HR staff knew I had a problem of some sort, but didn't know exactly what.  They tried to reach out to me a couple times without putting me on the spot, but I didn't see it, or subconsciously ignored them.  So I kept doing a good job like a dutiful robot that couldn't stop, and felt more depressed and angry as time past.   

Don't let this happen to you.  It hurts terribly to wait, and takes so long to overcome. 

Sorry if this is a little down, but today is one of the bad ones.

Hugs, Kathy

[Zumbagirl]

FFS is the right thing.. SRS is the right thing... Living life being genuine to WHO I am is the right thing... I know if it was easy EVERONE would do it.. But that's just it maybe they are living life right.. I know I'm the one that's not right... Most people don't have thought they are living in the wrong gender living life and NOT genuine to who they are...

Sorry to ramble a little its just where I'm at now... I have a great personal support network.. They just have NO experience with this..

I was a very ambitious person before my transition. I used work as a way to drown out my GID. I would work work work, and forget about myself. It was a coping mechanism for me too, until it broke down and stopped working. My moment of self realization didn't happen at home or out somewhere, it happened at work.

When I was growing up it was school. I was a book worm. Later on it was work. The I transitioned and guess what? I actually like these qualities in me. I still love my job and career and am quite successful. Don't kill yourself that being a tg person is the end of the world. It's not. It's the beginning of a whole new world. Maybe you will change maybe you won't. That's what makes the whole thing so exciting. I still like being successful and parlayed my past into a successful career all over again.

[SamiT]

Thank you for the comments... It helps me get out of my head and look forward. I think some of this it is me reverting back and being the pleaser. I have always made accommodations for those around. Hence my reluctance to hang my current employer out, even thou they wouldn't think twice about doing it to me if certain things were know. Probably the reason I waited so long to get moving on transition. I don't regret my life as male as I wouldn't have the experiences I have. I wouldn't have love in my life and I certainly wouldn't have my daughter.  My wife and my daughter are my rocks, without them I wouldn't be here...

Stepping outside of it all.. If I quit or lost my job it wouldn't be the end of the world.. My wife is secure in hers as anyone one can be. And if I had to go work at digging ditches to make it by well then I would be the best ditch digger I could be in a skirt... That's something ingrained in me and isn't going to change just because the outside world sees me differently...

[Catherine Sarah]

..........  I would be the best ditch digger I could be in a skirt... That's something ingrained in me and isn't going to change just because the outside world sees me differently...

Awesome attitude, you Go Girl.

Now just do it.

Huggs
Catheine