I just recently found this forum but have been spending alot of time here already, and many of the topics and posts I've read have stirred up intresting thoughts in my own mind, about myself, very good and intresting.
This morning alot of these new feelings came up to a boil, so many new feelings, thoughts, old thoughts returning, repressed feelings I never allowed myself to feel before I read that others have similar thoughts and feelings. I was pretty much paralyzed with emotions, and I couldn't for the life of me get them out of my head. And that in itself was one of the main thoughts I had, I don't have, or ever had anyone trans who I could talk to about some things, things that all my cis friends would never be able to fully comprahend.
I tried talking to my girlfriend about them, but I just couldn't get myself to formulate the feelings I had into words, I couldn't get closer then saying that; I got alot of things in my head right now, so many emotions and I just can't vent. I then made the mistake of saying; "There are some things that you can't give me right now, that you can't help me with.", this to her translated into "I want to break up with you.". Now don't be too hard on her, I know her and she doesn't mean anything bad, she just have a tendency to say the wrong things at the wrong times.
Well trying to handle both my new found emotions and convincing her that I'm not trying to break up with her was just too much. I just became mute. Not sure I should say or admit this, but what the hell, I'm going with total honesty here, I don't see why not...Not being able to vent my feelings, and not getting the support I was looking for from my girlfriend this turned bad, quick. And there I found myself, with a knife against my throat, again...
That experience is abit too familiar to me, but I knew what I needed to do, call someone. So that is what I did, I called up my ex girlfriend Sofia, and it helped alot. Even thought I didn't get to speak of all the feelings I've discovered lately, just speaking to her helped. We talked for over an hour, and by the end we were laughing together, and I was gloomy no more, with new strenght to fight my battles.
After I spoke to my girlfriend again, I felt like me just going all mute on her without even saying why was bad manners. She is not a mindreader after all. We spoke, I told her why I became mute and ignored her, and she was amazing and I really love her. And she took the initative to take our relationship to a whole new level, a level that I thought we'd never reach for years, it made me so increadibly happy. Now exactly what she did I'll keep a secret because it's not really that relevent.
So it's been a intresting day today. And I was suppose to get some work done today.
/S
