Hello, everyone! My, you're looking good today... did you get a haircut? Maybe a trim?
My name is Elliot, 24 years old. I've been lurking around in different communities online, trying to find a place that felt right to really dig into. After poking at a few options, such as tumblr, I realized my affection for the forum format was probably for good reason- diversity of ages, experiences, and identities are really important factors to me. I might be FTM, but I don't want that to completely define my experience with the community- which is something that seems to happen in smaller blogging groups. (Nothing wrong with that! Just not for me.)
I'm pre-everything, basically. I'm in the process of moving from the Midwest USA to the West Coast within the next couple weeks. I'll enjoy the rest of the winter with some friends in southern Oregon, then relocate to California (hopefully permanently). It's looking like Los Angeles is my destination- I'm an aspiring animator and vying to be accepted into CalArts for Fall 2014. The tuition fees are steep enough to break a sweat, but being a Californian resident definitely wouldn't hurt. LA also, from what I've researched, has a lot of progressive resources, experienced professionals, and opportunities for trans*folk- a good place to begin transitioning. (Not always the case in the Midwest.)
Part of the reason I feel so picky on where exactly to engage online is that, simply put, I'm a somewhat feminine FTM. I've had a difficult time finding a space to connect or relate to other FTM's, it's been hard to find a place where I feel like I fit in. I do have very masculine parts of my personality, and physically I inherited my father's tall frame- but I'm not a very "macho" kind of guy. In the same breath, I've found "femme FTM" communities to not be my style either, as I'm not interested in wearing make-up or dresses. (Granted, this really only goes for the femme FTM communities I've explored.) So, for me, it's more about talking with other FTMs who feel more feminine in personality than in presentation.
This seems to matter to me because I feel rather alone in my confusing experiences coming to terms with my gender identity- I love women, I adore women. Hitting puberty, for me, was absolutely horrific. However, years down the line and as I grew older I began to appreciate the female experience, almost like I was undercover. I can only describe it as a sort of a coping phase of embracing my femininity. I don't think it makes me (or anyone) less of a man to have become comfortable wearing dresses, etc. (Skirts are damn comfortable!)
But, like prolonged personas tend to do, it wore down my sense of self. I felt like a fake, a liar. My last serious relationship, which lasted several years and almost lead to marriage, was a huge wake up call. He was someone I loved deeply, but I knew he couldn't love me as my true self. I realized I couldn't do that again, it was too painful for me and caused too much pain for others.
I've spent the past couple years really reflecting on myself and my identity, giving myself plenty of thinking space. (I tend to doubt myself at every turn, so I'm quite prone to being slow to changes and thinking too much.)
Within the past 6-7 months, I've been considering transitioning, educating myself about surgeries, HRT, legal processes, expenses, etc. It felt so good, it felt so right. Still taking things slow and leaving options open, but I felt like I was soaking it all up and having more and more hope for my future. Some things I didn't know were even possible, it was a very exciting time of self discovery.
And then, in the past couple months, it's become incredibly clear that this is the path I need to take. The idea of not physically transitioning, e.g. because of health reasons, suddenly became a huge source of anxiety.
Since I'll be moving across the country in only weeks, I've decided to discuss this with my mother before I go. It's entirely possible that the next time she sees me, I will look and sound quite different. I'd like to give her plenty of time to come to terms with, prepare for and understand that. So, any tips or encouragement on coming out to parents would be appreciated! I think it'll go fine, it may be confusing and a lot to handle at first.
Also: If anyone reading this (people read intros?!) lives in the LA area (or goes to CalArts!) and wouldn't mind having their brain picked, let me know!
