The Ethicist
Should I Become a Woman and Risk Causing Pain to My Wife and Children?
By CHUCK KLOSTERMAN
Published: February 1, 2013
http://www.nytimes.com/2013/02/03/magazine/should-i-become-a-woman-and-risk-causing-pain-to-my-wife-and-children.html?_r=0I've been living the life of a married man for 20 years. I have a successful career and three children. All this time, however, I have battled gender dysphoria and the deep sadness that comes from living a lie. From the earliest age, I've been unhappy being male. I believed I would find happiness only once I was true to myself. I recently had my self-diagnosis confirmed, and I'm initiating a transition to living as the real me. There is a cost involved: pain to my family and stress on my career. Ethically, is it right to be "true to myself" even if that authenticity ends my otherwise happy marriage and damages the emotional stability of my three children? If I had to maintain the lie, the emotional cost would be tremendous; a transition would share the pain with all who love me but might result in happiness. What's the ethically correct thing to do? NAME WITHHELD, MASSACHUSETTS
The difficulty of your problem lies in the specificity of your desire. If you framed your situation in abstract terms — "Can I choose to do something for my own happiness that will potentially damage those whom I most love?" — it would seem as if the safest advice would be to place others before yourself. But this situation is unique. You're arguing that this is not so much a choice as it is a correction to your central identity. My natural impulse is to tell you that every person has the right to decide (and become) whoever they feel they are. The desire to be yourself is not a selfish impulse. But there are some mitigating details in your specific case that make the answer less straightforward.
You believe you will "find happiness" only by being your true self — but that's not exactly accurate. You describe your marriage as happy, you love your children, and your career is (at the very least) satisfying enough to make you worry about how a gender transition might complicate things. There is happiness in your life. Now, I realize what you're referring to is a deeper, existential version of happiness that all people crave (and which goes far beyond having a good relationship or a good job).
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A Response to New York Times 'Ethicist' Chuck Klosterman
by A.B. Kaplan on February 2, 2013
http://tgmentalhealth.com/2013/02/02/a-response-to-new-york-times-ethicist-chuck-klosterman/The following is my response (which I also sent the the New York Times).
In Response to Chuck Klosterman's February 3rd 'Transition Point'.
Chuck Klosterman (The New York Times 'Ethicist') response to a (natal) Massachusetts man's question on gender transition wraps itself around the idea of measuring happiness. He talks about the potential happiness of the transitioning man vs. the loss of happiness of his wife and kids. He notes that there already "is happiness in your life", and that the transition "might do damage" to the children who "lack the intellectual and emotional maturity to comprehend what's really happening".
What is really happening? As a therapist who has specialized in ->-bleeped-<- for the past 18 years I know that people of this age come to see me when they can no longer live with their Gender Dysphoria. It's not about happiness; it's about no longer being able to continue as they have in the past. Gender Dysphoria is an intense, psychologically painful and anxiety laden state which can intensify over time to the point of being intolerable. Gender is our first and most intimate identity, and to have that be wrong in some way is deeply disturbing. I have had many people say some form of: "there is no choice, it's either this or I kill myself". Furthermore, transitioning is a process of becoming who one authentically is. I think that's a pretty good lesson for kids.
The 'problems' inherent in all this is that there is significant stigma and discrimination around being transgender in our society. The only way to combat this is for brave people to acknowledge and be who they are and try and maintains good relationships with those around them. I think if we envision a person in other (and now less) stigmatized groups in Mr. Klosterman's article, the issue becomes clearer.
