Dying on the inside.

[imperfectlyperfect]

I broke down. I'm breaking down. Its been years and I still haven't came to terms with being "this". I can't believe it. I can't believe this happened to me. Why me? Why couldn't I just been born normal. I just wanted to live a quiet regular life. Where was the sign up list? Did I miss the date?? I feel closer to death. I came so far. Worked my ass off..finally forseeing surgery srs in a couple of months. I feel like I can't just live. Can I just live??? I see all my old hs friends haveing babies..and getting married.....but I have to spend many years trying to correct myself??? Not fair. I really want out..but I'm trying not to quit...but it gets harder. I want to die...but then again, all I ever wanted was to live...

[TanaSilver]

*hugs you tight*

You got a community here, a family, numbering in the thousands sweety who love you. I wish I could help you more concretely, all I can do is send my heart out to you.

[kyh]

*hugs*

These years that you spend/have spent transitioning will make you infinitely wiser than most of your highschool friends, and that much more able to enjoy life once your transition is complete.

It sounds like you're close to getting srs. Are you feeling nervous for that? Are you feeling like you've spent too much time transitioning, and feel it's a waste? Talk to us.

Is there anything you can do to keep your mind busy for the time being? Like exercising or participating in the forum for example?

[Sarah Blomsterhatt]

*hugs*

You've come far from the sound of things, stay strong.

[justmeinoz]

Regardless of what we would rather, we have to live in the world as it exists.  Tough as that is. 

What is important is what we do with the time ahead of us.  We can give our lives whatever meaning we desire, but we have to be ruthlessly honest with ourselves and accept our existential condition as it is now.  Once we know where we are,  then we are in a position to move forward. 

You have come a long way, and are made of tough stuff otherwise you would not have survived to date.  There are lots of friends here who can offer support, advice and encouragement.   You are as valuable as anyone else in the world, so don't put yourself down.  You can do it.

Karen.

[imperfectlyperfect]

Thanks all for your encouraging words. This was my moment of crashing. Althought I haven't done it in awhile, even strong women crash. I have worked so hard. I had nothing. Started working my butt of at age 16 to make all this possible. To finish hs was a must, but I put up with being someone who I wasn't for so long it was killing me, but I made it passed that. I been concentrating on trying to live instead of living. I don't think I could possibly live atm without things being done. Now that I worked so hard to get here, surgery is in May. Its not scary. Living atm is scary. Its a feeling when you know that you wanna give up, but then you just can't. Thanks all to your concern...I really appreciate it. This had lightened my day .

[Elsa]

Stay strong, your almost there!

It's ok to feel low sometimes - that's what makes us human but we must alway try to pick ourselves up when we fall.

Hope you are feeling better now...

::Hugs::
Ally.

[Felix]

Wow hey keep leaning on people here, it can help a lot. Grats on getting surgery. Don't worry about starting life. I worked my ass off for years and it got me somewhere but that somewhere disappeared fast when things got harder. Don't be too harsh on yourself. You've begun your life and what you are doing is as monumental and important as marriage and kids, and of course doesn't preclude those things.