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Living with my transgender feelings is starting to feel unbearable.

Started by Ultimus, February 01, 2013, 09:06:02 PM

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muuu

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Elspeth

Quote from: muuu on February 02, 2013, 04:40:56 PM
I think welburtin and xanax are mostly for anxiety and panic disorders. I think panic disorders and anxiety can partly be because of neurological issues, so there might be a need to continue medication.
The other two I haven't heard of before, but for some, anti-depressants do ease on their depression.

Though, if they aren't helping you shouldn't continue to be on them... or if the benefits aren't worth the side effects.

Psychoactive pharmaceuticals can have very different effects in different people. Because it turned out I was not diagnosed as bipolar beforehand -- going manic after a week on Celexa resolved that mystery, apparently, though I had tried fairly hard to raise that as red flag before agreeing to try the Celexa prescription -- for me, Celexa was something that should NEVER have been prescribed.

No one responsible prescribes SSRIs to bipolar people. 

I meant to edit my post a bit before you had beaten me to it...

The Wellbutrin was prescribed (in my atypical case) to serve mainly as an anti-depressant, despite its being atypical, and having some odd properties that put it slightly outside the usual classes of such drugs, largely because the MD knew he no longer had the option to prescribe an SSRI, and needed to be super cautious in general about anti-depressant, and we had seen very poor results from Lithium.  Depakote was prescribed to do most of what Lithium is usually prescribed for as a mood stabilizer (read: something to prevent whatever it is that leads to mania) because Lithium literally messed me up too much to tolerate, despite trying to give it a chance over several months. 

He was very careful not to add more meds than necessary, which is where my comment was coming from... I have a hard time seeing how someone would prescribe multiples of similar drugs on the theory that "maybe another one would work in combo" -- maybe my psychiatrist was just too conservative, though?  And perhaps the caution warranted in my case might be unwarranted for others not dealing with my generally odd responsiveness to many drugs, seen over a long time.

Also, in my case they already had clear signs that throwing many different drugs at me in combinations was not a very good idea... when we changed meds, it was a change, not an addition... one would be tapered off, while something different for the same purpose was added.

My central point is, subjectively speaking, that I felt very little positive impact from any of those drugs, while I have a strong intuition the same would not be true for HRT. Granted, only actual testing (and the kind of monitoring that I can't presently afford) will really answer that question, though.  Most of the benefits I felt at all seemed to come mainly from cognitive therapy, self-monitoring and so on... I eventually tapered off all those drugs, and have remained stable, though far from euphoric... but euphoria is not something I expect I will feel until (at least) I've managed to find a way to be on HRT, and get adequate monitoring, something I don't feel is financially or socially possible at the present time.


Sorry for the extensive editing, but re-reading what I first posted seemed to indicate there was way too much room for adding further misunderstanding. One more reminder of why it's probably a good idea not to make too much from individual descriptions of prescription histories, since we do each have a unique body chemistry that may not be at all relevant to other?
"Our lives are not our own. From womb to tomb, we are bound to others. Past and present. And by each crime and every kindness, we birth our future."
- Sonmi-451 in Cloud Atlas
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muuu

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Elspeth

Quote from: muuu on February 02, 2013, 05:23:03 PM
Anyway, I don't think transitioning will magically cure all other issues, they'll still need to be worked on separately from transgender things.
Though, that doesn't mean transitioning is useless. I think for it to be possible to work on some issues you'll need motivation/reason and feel a bit more comfortable with yourself, and that transitioning could help you with.

I hope I wasn't implying that. Certainly did not mean to say that. BUT, finding some measure of congruency, and then coping with the fact of life that nothing is ever completely ideal, ought to have more of an impact on my particular depression, since in general I've tended to be a pretty positive person about most things. It's only when the problems of being assumed male have come into play that things began to pile up for me, and when I have found places and spaces where I can be open about my identity and find at least some measure of acceptance, that level of depression and anxiety that goes with that bind has had a tendency to dissipate tremendously. I wish we lived in a culture where that could actually be accomplished socially without added drugs, hormones and surgery (and perhaps to some degree it can, and all, I think, perhaps because I do have a history of bad reactions to relatively light dosages of other drugs I'm very concerned about HRT if I'm in a situation where I can't be sure that it's being well monitored and responsibly managed).

Sorry that got a bit convoluted... clearly I'm still in conflict about some of that... In simplest terms, though, it does seem to me that the changes I've heard of from many, many others who have gone through HRT are something that I'd expect to respond to positively.  (When I heard about how Alan Turing was judicially coerced to  be dosed with estrogen, my main response was jealousy (also awareness that this was something that pretty clearly was a difference between how I understand myself, and how he saw himself, one that doesn't seem to get very much attention from those who've been throwing their theories at the wall for decades and decades).
"Our lives are not our own. From womb to tomb, we are bound to others. Past and present. And by each crime and every kindness, we birth our future."
- Sonmi-451 in Cloud Atlas
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Ultimus

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Elspeth

Quote from: Ultimus on February 03, 2013, 06:37:02 PM
Elspeth, is your name a reference to the MtG character Elspeth, or is that a coincidence?

Since "MtG" doesn't ring a bell for me, I guess not. It's a kind of sideways reference to one of my ancestresses, though she didn't use the name in this particular form. I've forgotten now where I came across this form of the name, in fact.

(Okay... I should have Googled -- I'm a bit too old for Magic: the Gathering to have had much of an impact on me, except through my children.)
"Our lives are not our own. From womb to tomb, we are bound to others. Past and present. And by each crime and every kindness, we birth our future."
- Sonmi-451 in Cloud Atlas
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Shakira

Honey,I totally relate to what your going through.I just read that article and (disturbing as it is)type 3 is me too.I'm twice your age and have been going through all the same stuff as you my whole life,it really stinks.About 3 months ago something snapped in my head and I just said "f**k it,I'm a girl".The world didn't end,it got way better.All my anxiety, depression and anger levels are way down,it's like a crushing weight has been lifted off my shoulders.I'm starting to realise that my emotional problems aren't coming from my head,they stem from the fact that my head's on the wrong body.
That article was a real eye opener for me.I've been feeling a bit like I don't fit in here because my experiences are a little different from the other girls and doubting if I really am t-g.Now I know I am,I just have a few extra issues to deal with.I really hope it helps to know your not the only one like this.
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Ultimus

Thanks for all of the support! It gave me the courage to do something today... today I got my prescription refilled for HRT. This time I am prepared to face my fears that limited me in the past. Hopefully life will start to get better for me. It certainly can't get any worse!
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